So Life goes ...

I would like to apologize to those who check this site or who have been concerned when I went silent after returning home. Things may be getting better now but wow!!!

We are home

I am sorry it has taken me so long to let everyone know we are home. I want to thank everyone for all your kind thoughts. Getting home was a nightmare. He pretty much tantrumed non-stop throughout the entire trip home. Customs just waived us through. He broke loose while we were going back through airport security and we basically destroyed the line markers in the chase. He just raged about everything. My airline got us on an earlier flight because until then he did better on the plane than in the airports. People were so sweet in helping me. At one point it took me over 40 minutes to walk across the way to the bathroom. And then we were home.

I am working on getting him help. And I hope time will help. He is struggling so hard. So I will not be posting much in the near future so that I can focus on helping Sasha.

We cleared the U.S. Embassy Today - Yeah!!

So Sasha and I did the embassy visit today to get his visa for entry into the United States. It is a pretty amazing experience. And I really did feel like I was walking back onto American soil even though a lot of the gatekeepers were Russian and there were a lot of Russians (waiting for their own immigration visas) right next to where the "baby people" were waiting. And most of the other families were there with babies. There was one other older boy but of course he was much calmer than Sasha. My son is one live wire. I felt really, really sorry for the other adoptive family that had to ride with us today because of course Sasha threw a totally outrageous tantrum in the van on the way to and from the embassy. And he was quite the little run-about crazy boy during the waiting process. He is still so overwhelmed that the new experiences really push his behavior out of bounds. But you know he is coping. At one point he set on my lap in the waiting room and we just kind of made sillies at one another. When I went to visit him in the orphanage back in March he would never show how important it was for me to be there when others were around. Yet, when everyone wasn't looking or out of the room, he would cuddle close and I would tell him I loved him in Russian.

It has become a kind of a game for us. He sits on my lap, leans back and then I am to whisper that I love him in Russian. He gives me the look, I repeat and then he leans in close to actually hear the words. It is kind of cute actually. And it is something he needs to hear. For me, I am happy to do that and it is often one of the few moments of calm in this really stressed out kid's day. At one point some of the other parents waiting at the embassy were looking at me sort of like - "are you insane - why this kid?" It is because of the moment when he smiles because he knows I really do love him. No matter what.

Enough of the mushy stuff. For most of the day he was a real problem. But then we got home (for him hotel rooms are home now) and while he wanted a bath and to go to bed he was a real trooper when I told we had to go to the pharmacy and the grocery store. And the bank.

My agency is still doing an awful job of actually helping with getting Sasha taken care of in the way he needs - medically. I told them when I got off the plane from Vlad that most of his liquid meds had spilled during the flight and that I needed help replacing them otherwise he tantrums non-stop. After I was dropped off with the other family by the driver today I called the agency and told them I still needed to replace those meds!!!! A few minutes later, they had a young translator call me and tell me to go to the pharmacy and then call her so she could talk to the pharmacist. And I needed to find Sasha apple juice. Hence the list of stops to make.

We went to the pharmacy first. It is difficult to juggle a young boy and tiny cell phone and try to tell the pharmacist, in my very broken Russian, what I needed. A really wonderful Russian man stepped in and translated everything for me. Apparently there is no way to get those meds without seeing a doctor. When I then called the translator to confirm, she said there was not a way that could be done. Clinics were closed and they were not open on the weekends. I told her the agency had to figure out something tomorrow - because the tantrums she has already witnessed are nothing if he is not medicated. I cannot get on planes without it. She did not leave me hopeful. My adoption agency totally sucks. I mean they totally suck.

Anyway, Sasha still needed apple juice and there just happened to be a market below the pharmacy. The front desk man had directed me to a local Russian pharmacy so that I could get a better price. What a sweetie. So we went to the seriously Russian local market. I loved it. It was so Russian. The stores we saw in Vlad were so "western" in comparison. Here produce was still in the boxes and things were either there or they were not. Since Sasha had helped me figure out what we needed earlier he was such a jewel at letting me know what we needed to find next.
And then there was the checkout line. In a typical Russian line formation.

We then went to the bank to exchange more dollars into rubles. Sasha and I had popped in earlier, before the pharmacy, saw the long line and left. When we came back Sasha and I sat down for a long wait. He was getting tired so he was doing a very good imitation of being a quiet boy. An older lady finishing up remembered us from before and turned to lecture the men in front of us about letting the mama with a little boy go before them. She was very, very stern to them. Made me sit up even straighter and caused my eyes to widen. Even I knew enough Russian to knew they were given strict marching orders. :) Then she left, in full glory. When the next person left a bank manager was on her feet motioning me into the exchange booth even before the men gestured for me to go ahead of them. It was so sweet. I, being the silly American, kept thanking everyone in Russian. And I could not believe Sasha was so good!!!!

That is the best thing about this whole process - the actual Russians on the street. I am so scared, especially with this little boy tagging along who has his moments, but the people have been absolutely wonderful. To a person. This morning, when we were checking out of the first hotel in Moscow, when people found out he was adopted, they gave him a stuffed toy from their gift shop. When I finally got to our new hotel in Moscow after the embassy visit the front desk person (his name was Alexander too - Sasha is the nickname) was elated to find out Sasha's name and that he was keeping it. He then let me know the bell hop who was going to help me to the room was also a Sasha. And I think he gave me a really nice room on purpose. It has a little hallway at the entrance that overlooks the front of the hotel which is a very, very nice view. I get so much crap from the agency who is actually supposed to help me with problems that the generosity of spirit from strangers in a strange land almost drops me to my knees.

And I think it has actually been good for Sasha. He sees the difficulty of daily life. Just finding apple juice, from his perspective is difficult. And he sees me being respected by other Russians and how hard I am working at it all. I had stopped in at a second pharmacy to see if we could get a better answer concerning the meds and the crush of humanity in there was horrific. And he sees how other Russian children act in public, also something he has never seen.

When we finally got to where he calls home tonight he was a real sweetie. He patiently waited for me to kind of whirl about the room while I unpacked and tried to decide about what to order from room service. He finally got to bathe which is his favorite thing to do of the day. Then he ate Siberian pelmani with me. And then off to bed. He looked for all his favorite stuffed toys. Three weeks ago he had none he could call his own. He went to sleep tonight without rocking. I actually cried a little when I saw that happen. So he sleeps. Thank god. And hopefully he will not start his day at 2 a.m. tomorrow.

Anyway, enough of the sappy stuff. It is pretty clear the adoption agency people will not help me get what Sasha needs before I leave Russia. They totally suck. I do not even know who to complain to - they were the resource for when things went wrong. But you know I got a glass ball from them that will probably put me over the weight limit so it is all good - right? Not. Not even a little bit.

Tomorrow We Fly to Moscow

Yesterday we got Sasha's birth certificate and today we recieved his Russian passport and the medical report for the embassy. I also managed to go back to the toy store and buy another version of the doll that sings hims to sleep (the other one got broken). In a little while I will begin the packing for the trip. I did pretty good at not buying too much food for the room while I was here but I still over bought on milk and juice. Oh well.

That is one of the nice things about the Vlad Inn is that if the suites are available they give them to adoptive families. So Sash and I began in a small hotel room and then moved to a suite which is pretty nice. The kitchen is a special blessing with its full refrigerator and stove. And it has dishes which is really nice. The extra room was deeply appreciated, especially in the beginning given it helped with all the running and screaming.

But we never figured out how to use two tvs. When the tv is on Sasha is in the room with me. There is no real time spent apart. Which is okay by me. We have already spent most of his life apart so I figure he is making up for lost time. Please think good thoughts for us as we get on that nine hour flight to Moscow tomorrow. It should be an interesting flight. :) Take care, Sarah

Sasha is home

I want to thank everyone for all your kind support. Of course it is not my fault and it just underlines the agency problems given that was the respone. Everyone's kind support is so helpful to me as I struggle through getting this all done. And just in case you all do not know MamaSten is the most amazing person I have ever met. So inspiring. While I would say that what I am going through is not impacted whether I am here alone or with a posse, I would say that if I wanted anyone here (other than Mom) it would be MamaSten. That being said she is home with her little ones and being here would not change reality.

It has been hard. Not because I am alone here but it is hard because of the serious and long term ramifications of it all. As if adopting a bi-lateral cleft child was not enough. There is no question, Sasha is still pretty off the charts bahvoir-wise. Everybody sees it. It is not just transition stress or blah, blah, blah but something more. And because the behavoir is off the charts I had to do a lot of thinking the last several days. I love him so much. And he needs help so much. And it is so much work - and we are not even home yet!!!

Tonght we did the american family thing - pretty much. After everything, he took a bath, he refused to sleep, laid down in front of the tv and slept. Thank god. He did not violently rock tonight. That is the worst thing in the world for me to see -that self soothing behavior. I know it is typical for children that have been institutionalized for life but I still do not like it.

So now he sleeps. I so love him so - may God bless us.

We are in a difficult time right now. Sasha is in the process of totally flipping out. Things are hard. For a little boy who is having to take in so much there is an overload in process. Bathroom ettiquette, while joyfully embraced (he loves washing and drying his hands) was still so painfully new.

One night, when it was bathtime I noticed blisters on his feet and he told me the shoes the orphanage sent him in were too small. So the next day we went to buy him shoes and when I asked Irina to make sure he was okay with them (believe it or not he has clothing preferences which I learned about on a previous clothing buying trip) he told her he loved them because they were new. I do not know about you, the reader, but that is something that touched my heart. I never knew that the shoes put on my feet for the first time would be nothing if not new. Sasha's innocent observation is so deeply humbling.

The first time we went to the corner store he ran everywhere and touched everything. I bought so many bags of chip-like things he later refused to eat. It was all so overwhelming he could not listen to me and ran out the front door of the store and other adopting parents caught him (thank you Daniela, Chris and Chad - all parents of boys). The Babushka in the store lectured him about his behavoir and that he had to listen to his Mom. By the third trip he was still antsy but I had him accepting that he was responsible for a basket for our goods so that kind of kept him grounded. Of course the corner store trip is the tip of the iceberg.

There is the total lack of any life experience on his part. He has never seen a bald light bulb in a lamp so it took two attempted burns and other subsequent tries before he began to believe he could not touch a lit bulb. And the stovetop continues to be a source of neverending conflict. And then there is the microwave. It has a light and makes a ding when it stops. Sasha cannot wait work those buttons and heat things. Like for hours.

Sasha finally started to understand there was a different word for the park than the street. His life has been so isolated that he only knew the Russian word for street when he wanted to go outside. He does not understand the word for path (and I cannot find a Russian word for sidewalk). It took days for me to get him to understand the park was a separate place from the path.

That being said his behavoir has gotten way off the charts. The agency I adopted through only let me get about a sentence and a half out before they tell me it is my fault. They don't even know the problem and they still lay the blame at my feet. That is not helpful now.

And being at Vlad Inn has not been helpful for him. He has missed being with other children terribly. When we have found other children at the playground (it is a favorite for local parents to take their children to) it has not been enough since he is used to an orhanage full of children. Most of the other adopting families are here for young children so they are not really out about looking for playmates. When there are children here, our experience has been they are here for a birthday party so there are lots of children, balloons (which Sasha loves) and clowns. All of which he has not been invited to - so I am left with dragging Sasha past all of this. That totally sucks.

And that particular type of experience has sparked off at least three huge tantrums. The last one of which lasted for hours and hours. When I finally called one of the representatives here in Vlad so she could explain and verify what I had told him in Russian, it helped but for only a little while. So we struggle.

It was decided yesterday that Sasha should return to the orphanage for a few days. That was hard. I cried all the way through that. And I was so mad at everyone because they would not listen to me or help me and Sasha communicate. But in the end I decided it was best to go with all because it would give Sasha a way to create closure for himself. That is something I cannot do for him and others were reluctant to help with. But that is okay because my son is one self-sufficent dude. And closure he did. The night when it was decided I talked to Sasha about it and he was okay. I let him pack a bag with all his favorite food and toys.

I hear he was the hit of the orphanage. He spread all his treasures out on his old bed and regaled all with his stories of all his new experiences. The next day he asked about me and when I was coming back to get him. I miss him so much.

But for now I think it is best to leave him in the far away place. I miss him so much. I am so bored because everything I brought was for him (except my current cross stitch project) so I have nothing to do. I am able to watch the Russian and Asian stock markets here as the world teeters on word from America about the bailout but I am still bored, bored, bored. And heart-broken as I miss my son. I so hope this time gives him the closure he needs for his transition ahead. And so I wait.

Sasha wants his life to be full of Balloons!

I am sorry this will be a long post. This is the first day Sasha has been relaxed enough to let me get on the computer. The quantity of balloons in his life to come in America was a major concern for him on Friday. Irina assured him there would be lots of balloons. So far so good. People at Vlad Inn have been wonderful at helping me keep him supplied in balloons. Cindy who also had court on Tuesday gave Sasha a beach ball that he found to be "very beautiful." So we work on being a family. I finally got a suite yesterday and it has made a huge difference for us. Ironically, Sasha tends to stay in the main room even with a bedroom so the main benefit to the space is that when he needs to run around like all little boys do, there is some space.

And we have a full size frig which Sasha totally adores. Of course he can go and get anything out of it he wants. He is going through serious amounts of sweet yogurt and what I can best translate as "sweet cheese." He also has his own shelf for food that he can control. That is where he has his chips, something that looks like mini-doughnuts but is a hard sweet bread and fruit. Lots of fruit.

For the most part we are getting on famously. He adores bath time. If it were up to him there would be several baths a day. :) There are moments when it is still hard for him. He misses having lots of children around. There is a playground here at the Vlad Inn that is very popular with the locals. Yesterday, we went there and he found kids to play with which seemed to help enormously. And there are so many things for him to get used to that it must sometimes seem overwhelming to him. Silly stuff that I forget about, frankly. Things like there is no negotiation when it comes to not turning on the stove. One of those things that we all learn so young. That was a difficult conversation let me tell you. My ability to speak Russian is still pretty limited but he is usually good about letting me grab the dictionary to find the words I do not know. In the case of the stove it wasn't the vocabulary, it was a fundamental difference of opinion. The stove has a light he just loved to see turn on. Me, I do not care about the light, I care about him not getting hurt. Eventually, I prevailed but he sure was mad.

For the most part he and I have worked out boundaries so now it is quieter. I feel for the people around us the first couple of days (he actually came to stay with me last Wednesday) given all the yelling and door slamming. I think that in the beginning all of it seemed like a one time thing so he was over reacting to everything. Sort of like when we went to the corner store. The first two times he was everywhere, running, poking at everything and generally being a crazy boy. The babushka lectured him severely but winked at me as we left. Today the visit to the store went beautifully. He helped to carry things and he was a jewel when we went to check out. And he knows he gets an ice cream for being a good boy.

Oh oh he seems to be getting ants in his pants so I should go.

For those that want to know more about Vlad Inn I would say to generally check out their website. The staff speak English and the menu in the restaurant is limited but American for the most part. I would, however, suggest skipping the seafood medley given it includes calamari and octopus (unless you normally eat that then go for it). There is a beautiful playground at the back of the property for the children. The rooms are nice and the suite comes with a kitchen, a baby bedroom a regular bedroom and bathroom. There is a second bed in the main part of the suite. All in all a nice place to spend time with your child. Take care, Sarah

Finally - he is my son legally

I went to court Friday, after it was moved from Thursday, and they awarded custody. Yeah!!!!! And I am one of the lucky ones, he will spend the ten day wait with me at the Vlad Inn. Of course when we picked him up from the orphanage they did not send his meds with us so the first few days were rough until they gave me meds here in Vlad. And they refused to tell me his schedule or foods that he eats but he and I are working it all out.

Just now, he opened the frig and then ran over and hugged me. He can eat anything he wants out of it and is seriously happy. He mostly sticks to the yogurt, sweet cheese, juice and fruit but every once in awhile the ham becomes a favorite. And he loves my granola bars. Yeah!!!

As for the tight connection in Moscow, it did not happen. It took over four hours to clear passport control and it was an absolute crush. When it became clear I would not make the flight to Vlad it was impossible for me to back up and get out of the crush of people. It was a bit scary. But I got through, bought a new ticket for the east and eventually found a room for the night.

Anyway, it is all good. It is time to pick up the laundry and go to dinner. Yeah!!!!

I sleep in D.C. tonight!!!!

Tomorrow I will get on the first of several planes for Russia. The first one leaves Dulles around noon. I spent the whole day today getting from the west coast to the east coast. Everything seemed to be delayed today. Once the first plane was late I thought I would miss my connection in Denver but no, that plane was late too. Which was wonderful except for the fact that the gate assignment changed every time I checked a monitor. So I went to the food court and stocked up on Paradise Bakery sandwiches. I made that plane but then the next had engine trouble and we were delayed even further. Oh my goodness. I finally made it to my hotel for the stay over in D.C.

Staying in a hotel before flying to Russia (or Europe) is an idea my dear friend Gabrielle suggested months ago. And it is a most excellent idea. Tomorrow the marathon begins. I fly straight through (more or less) from Washington D.C. to Vlad. That connection in Moscow is seriously tight with me having to go through customs and recheck into the domestic side of the airport before I reboard. I ask everyone to please keep me in your thoughts and prayers for that tight travel maneuver. I had hoped to spend a night in Moscow before catching an Aeroflot flight to Vlad but seat availability did not allow for that possibility. So now I get to sprint from SVO 1 to SVO 2 while going through customs. What fun. And the wonderful people who helped with the visa informed me that I need to register in Moscow before heading east. They are there in the airport ready to help thank goodness. Does that sound like fun or what??? :)

But you know it is all worth it. There is a little boy who still does not know if I will come back through the door for him. And he has been insisting people find her for him for years. Since my Mom has always been there for me, I can only image how he must feel. And he is such an excellent little boy it really breaks my heart he had to wait so long for his mother to come for him. Of course as many know I firmly believe that all children need a home and love. If people could have seen the children line up by my van after the second day visit they would understand and adopt at least one child.

That being said, time grows short. I will be in court a week from today. Wow. And I refuse to check anything I need for that day. No matter how many looks I get. I will not check the paperwork. And not my nice outfit. And not the photo album that I finally scrap-booked. And certainly not a change of clothing with which to bring the little out of the orphanage. Oh yeah and the Crocodile which is a friend of the cartoon character Cheburashka which the little one so loves. I lugged that thing around all day today. I was seriously tired after being a pack mule all day but I did not want to lose anything at this point. Given my lovely flight schedule tomorrow, I look forward to another "pack mule" day. Once I hit the domestic side of Moscow I am totally checking the roll on piece since it is a direct flight to Vlad. Thank goodness.

I am so looking forward to seeing Irina and Lana again. I will be sure to pass on everyones kind thoughts to them. They are such an awesome team. They really made my adoption experience something wonderful. They both work so hard to help our children come home.

Wow it is totally happening. I worked so long and hard for this day it is actually hard to believe it is here. Tomorrow Moscow! Yeah baby!

And I get to see my son-to-be in a couple of days. I cannot wait. I miss him so.
He is such a truly wonderful child. Take care all, Mame Sarah

It is all so wonderful and crazy!! :)

I was in Target finally buying clothing for the little one and it was hysterical (I think) watching me and Mom shop for little boy underwear. Mom raised three girls. We were so serious about it all - comparing all the options and my Mom thinking maybe we should also get the little undershirts and it suddenly hit me - he is coming home. I almost sat down in the middle of the store and cried. And the jammies are so adorable. And then there is the grey hoodie that Mom absolutely insisted he needed to be "cool." Me I kept wanting to get the blue-striped shirts but of course Mom is right - he is a little boy and he needs the "get dirty in" clothing. He now has cargo pants with pockets for lots of cool stuff. Yeah!

And I finally let go of taking him the log and fiddlestixs set I found months ago. It is just too heavy. Instead I will take a plastic replacement that is much lighter. And my friend ZoeAnne had gotten him a viewfinder months ago and I made sure I bought many more "films" for all those times we will wait between Vlad and home. It is a quiet game. My little one is an audio processor so I suspect I have already gotten him way too much stuff that will annoy others. Me not so much.

I ran into an old friend who is a bit older last winter who is now married with a young boy. The little one was everywhere and my friend was so patient at entertaining the boy while we waited in a really long line at Petco for our pets. I finally told him as we rounded the corner of the second hour how terrific he was with his son. He smiled at me and said that when we become parents at an older age we more generally tend to have things figured out and may have slowed down enough in life so as to be there for, value, and spend time with our children. I hadn't thought about it before but he might have a point. My life is wonderful and full but aches for a child to be home. And I did finish the orange trim in his room.

And being there for him will be the highlight of life for me. I will be one seriously lucky duck if I am to be a Mom that can be there for him. He is really one cool dude. :)

So now onto the icky things. I do not want people to think I only paint rainbows in the sky because life is not like that. I will do everything in my power to make sure my little has nothing but opportunity and joy in his life but then of course life happens. Even in this glorious time in our lives.

United Airlines (I knew, just knew I should have gone with Aeroflot!!) almost missed ticketing my flights from Portland to Dulles. That was a serious moment of panic tonight. And there was the jaw-dropping behavior of my supervisor last Friday when he denied my leave request under the Family Leave Act. Hard to believe he is an attorney. Anyway the boss changed his mind over the weekend and "granted" the leave request. What a jerk. But it is not like I listened to him anyway. This is my son (maybe) and I will be there no matter what.

And I am getting on a plane to Russia (eventually) on Friday. I cannot wait!!!! Thank you God.

I am going to get My Son!

So I fly out on September 19th and will eventually arrive Vlad on the 23rd (I think). My court date is the 25th so one way or another I will be there. I am so looking forward to seeing my son before then. His home is so far from Vlad that may not happen but I hope it does!!! :) :)

And I hear that maybe my court date coincides with a family who may be adopting the most wonderful youth I met during my first trip to meet the little one. Everyday I was in the little one's home a child would enter the room and simply glow and smile. I learned from the Assistant Director and my translator his story. When another family came to adopt he eventually asked them if they would adopt him. That family said yes!!!!! When I was on my first trip the home was still waiting to hear that the family had started processing paperwork.

To think that I might have the same court date with that most amazing young man brings joy and then tears to my eyes. I was so worried I would go back to Spaack and see him still waiting. He had such peace and joy because people loved him enough to come back for him. I did not want to now see him hurting. It is such a blessing to have my court date with the family that gave that young man such joy.

I want to thank everyone for takng time to read this posting. I want as many children as it is possible to have a permanent loving home. When I was getting into the van from my second visit to the little one in March all the older male children jumped the orphanage grounds fence so as to run across road and visually "confront" the van. I never saw so much hurt and pain in the faces of children. They stood in a row. And the raw pain hurt me so much. I would ask anyone who can to please find these children and give them a good home. They are so wonderful in their own way. And I get to maybe have a court date wherein the child I saw in March, a child so full of hope and peace, gets his forever family. Life is never better than this. :) :)

Thank you eveyone for your kind thoughts and commnts. Take care and God bless, Mame Sarah

I have tickets for me and the little one!

At least part of the way. I still need to book Aeroflot for the Moscow-Vlad run. I so love United Airlines. I just spent several hours with them, off and on (and when I was "off" I so was not "happy"). Now have tickets in and of Moscow for both me and the little one. What a struggle. First there is one person and then there are two. But the United people were wonderful. Each one worked so hard and then wished me luck. And then they helped me to the next step even though they didn't need to - afterall who would know but me. Not once did anyone ask me to give them something for helping me get the litttle home. Each step was hard won. But they did it!! Not me but them. And that is why I fly United. United is bringing my little one home. Thank god! Thank you for your prayers and thoughts. Take care, Mama Sarah

I HAVE A COURT DATE - YEAH!!!!!!!!!

Oh my goodness - it finally happened!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I get to go and bring my little boy home. Yeah!!! Of course now I have to get myself to Russia in a little less than 10 days. Wow. That makes one head kind of spin. :) :) In a good way. I guess. Maybe not. So far I got a plane trip out of Moscow for me and the little one. The rest will come.

I got the call on my cell while I was biking to work from the gym. I cried in the shower with tears of joy. And then I got to work. There are so many people who are supportive where I work and today was a day where I tried to work, tried to figure out what to do first so that I can leave for Russia in 10 days and then deal with everyone being so happy for me. I actually kicked my beloved secretary out of my office this morning when she came to ask me why I wasn't in a meeting. I did it because I was busy calling the adoption agency and trying get moving. And then people kept walking me to coffee. (I do love a good latte!) At one point my mother observed that there was no way I should be having any more caffeine because I was already so over the moon.

My mom is so cool. She went to my house today to get my passport so that I could express mail it off to get the business visa I need to return to Russia. She is so way cool. I hope to be at least as half as good of a mom to the little one as she is to me. If I can pull that off he will be one lucky child.

Anyway, I need to go and try to get something more done. I just called United and they said to call back in an hour to see if they can give me a seat from Portland to Moscow. I certainly hope so!!! So far I have a ticket for me and the little out of Moscow so one way or another I will get there. I just really wanted to use all those frequent flyer miles I have been saving for this day!

I am so happy I will probably not be able to sleep! I miss the little one so and now he can come home. Life is Good.

I know everyone always talks about asking to waive the post court ten-day waiting period but I think that is an excellent time to bond with your child. I don't know about everyone else but my life kind of moves at very fast speeds. If nothing else, I have all these people that cannot wait to meet and love the little one. And help me out. And hang out while we work on being a family. Wow - I didn't even know I knew so many caring people. That being said, I think having that time in Russia with just me and the little one would be a good thing. No getting him up early for school before I rush off to my day. No kitties or dogs to ask for their personal quality time. Of course the little one loves animals but maybe just a few days where he and I spend time together would be nice.

He and I have a lot of catching time to do. His lifetime in fact. Spending that extra time in Vlad with him would be a blessing. That assumes that the director of his home would release him to me during the waiting period. I did not meet the director when I was there because she was sick. I had a wonderful time with the assistant director. What a totally amazing woman. Yet, I did not meet the person who can agree or disagree to the ten-day wait happening at the Vlad Inn so I do not know what to expect. The home is so far from Vlad that if the director will not release him, I will not spend too much time with him.

But you know the children I saw there were well cared for and well loved by those who have been charged with their care. If it is thier determination that it is in the best interest of all for me to wait alone, I will. I have been so totally impressed with the dedication and love of this staff I will of course agree with them about all of this. So there is the judge step and then the director step. I see my doctor Monday and have no intention of asking for the 10 day medical waiver even though my child is bilateral cleft for the reasons alluded to above.

It will all be as it needs to be and I will not worry this further. I have plane tickets out of Russia!!!! One with his name on it!!! I suspect I have gone on too long once again so I will let you go. I have a court date - yeah!!!!!!!

Nine More Documents Needed!!!

Argh!! Getting a travel date this month is pretty much out. And not my fault. Now I am starting to get a bit sad. I so just want to put my arms around the little one and let him know someone loves him. For those who know me personally I am pretty sure I told you this is the hardest part - him knowing that I am out there, somewhere, and then waiting for me to come back. And I know he knows. Every day he wakes up hoping. Every door that opens might be me. Maybe. When he saw me for the first time it was exactly like that - they suddenly opened a door and then told him I was there. Even though children at his age still believe in magic, they still seek order and reason to their world, hence by that kind of formula it may be he thinks I will just one day pop back up in his life. Adopting a older child who understands what is going on is so much harder.

As his mom I hope with all my heart he is not living life that way - in day-to-day anticipation. Knowing him it is probably exactly like that. As that last day showed me, when he knows that something he wants will happen (like a last visit with me) he will do all he can to maximize and control that moment. I love him so much more because he did not attempt to impress me or exhibit fawning behavoir. Rather he tried to soak up every nuance so that he would remember some of them. Some I know he stored away for later so that he could think about them and puzzle it all out. That self-soothing behavior our children learn in institutionalized care makes them champions at latching onto the emotional rafts they need for survival. So I miss him and keep the faith. And he and I will deal with it all at the back end.

I guess I will hit the gym before work tomorrow for an extra distracting class. I ask everyone to please, please pray for us. I know it will be what it will be but it is so hard to wait quietly, in faith. I had so wanted to get the little one home for his birthday (which is next month) but time now grows short. If not for his birthday maybe for Christmas. Caring about his birthday seems so trite in amongst everything but there you have it - I wanted him home for his birthday.

I keep you all in my prayers and I ask you all to take care. Have a wonderful rest of the week, Sarah :)

And so there it is - I wait.

I loved the training but I missed my dogs. They are such good babies. And tonight has been wonderful, they were so happy to see me and they have been being extra well-behaved. Of course I missed them so much that even if they had chewed holes in the walls I would have been happy to get their kisses. I love being home and basking in all the love abounds in its walls.

Of course I met a lot of wonderful people at the training but nothing compares to being home. And Seattle made me kind of homesick for Russia. I hadn't really expected that. The hotel I stayed at was the same type of Marriott I stayed in while in Moscow and the decor was almost entirely exact since the hotel put me in a newly renovated room. So when I stepped into the room my heart thought for a second I was back in Russia. Every time. Every single time. I guess the heart just wants what it wants. Anyway ...

Seattle is a city built on a sound much like Vladivostok so there were moments when it was like I would see a sort of echo in the way an alley would angle or how steep the street would suddenly climb away from the bay. Ironically both are located on sounds that are on the Pacific Ocean side of their countries, though in the case of Vladivostok one has to skip onto the Sea of Japan so as to hop over Japan itself before landing in the pond called the Pacific Ocean. :)

That being said I would like to be headed back to Russia soon (but not in the insane speed sense of two weeks since it really messes with good airline prices) so as to go to court and petition for the little one. From the beginning I have always been okay with this process because I know the people want to make sure, make doubly sure, that the families the children go to are the right families. I would not have it any other way. At the same time my heart hurts for my little one as he waits. He was ready to go home with his mother (me - in his mind) in March and I think that each day after that last meeting is hard for him. I wanted to introduce the little one by way of our the first meeting but the last part of the last day fits best at this time so please bear with me.

Of course I knew from the beginning I would accept him no matter the particulars. On the second day I asked Lana to work with me to explain to the little one how I was going to ask to adopt him but after our visit the following day I would have to leave for awhile after before I would be able to come back and take him to his new home. I wanted to give him the ability to know what was going on and if, when I came back tomorrow and he was mad, I wanted to give him that opportunity to tell me how he was not happy about it all. Or any part thereof. One of the things is that seems to happen to adopted children is they are not given enough "off ramps" for their emotions about thier situation so I totally wanted him to have that to the extent possible. Frankly I would have taken more time on the first trip to do that but the process does not bend to that change of pace.

He was so stoic. Such joy and then a punch to the gut. He was so hurt while being so stoic. You could see it in his face. As much I never want to hurt him, I wanted him to know how it would go so that he could have some sense of understanding and control over his situation. And if he wanted to say no he had a chance. A small possibility but I wanted to give him that opportunity because this is a life choice for both of us. After a small pause he indicated it would be okay if I adopted him.

On the last day, we got there early. The assistant director took me to her office and we chatted becasue the little one's group was still down for a nap. The teenage boy who had asked another adoptive family to adopt him (and they agreed!!) joined us and just stood there and glowed. The familythat is adopting that young man are seriously blessed. He is such a wonderful child and he was so happy to be adopted. The assistant director's happiness at my understanding Russian was so uplifting and soothing to my frazzled nerves at being in a country where I sometimes understand the language perfectly fine and at other times I get totally scrambled because I cannot understand my food choices you cannot image. :) She is such a dear, dear woman.

Anyway, someone came into the office and told us the little one was awake and had been asking if his mother was there yet! Wow! Lana and I had been very clear to tell the little one he did not have to call me mother or consider me such. There is no way I am in this for that surface ego stroke, rather I am here to get the little home for family and love. Titles are ultimately meaningless but of course love abounds.

To make a long story short, in his mind - and my heart - I am his mother. I am just there because I love him but it was never my intent that I absolutely be his mother. Of course he has a large part of my heart and the current main focus of my life is to nuture and love him. If he is okay with thinking about me as his life mother I am just more happy. Ultimately I am just happy to be able to be there for him. On to the story.

Throughout the final visit he pulled everything out of my bag and held as if it was the last time he would ever see it. Even though I told him (in Russian with the new taranslator confirming) I would be back, he did not believe at the gut level. It is hard to dissuade children from that level of response. The Cheburashka doll I had brought he just kept squezzing and playing (a first day story!) because it was clear it would dissappear with me.

Of course the toy did not disappear with me but that entire last day for him was an emotional tug-of-war about having a mother and then her leaving. In his mind the mother left despite having caught me close and telling me she loved me in Russian. And there were gifts that touched my (little one's) heart and soothed my (the little one's) need to have someone try to provide that soothing. Now she is gone. How awful. Even more awful is the wait.

So that is what I live with. I am grateful to be back home after doing something to distract me from worrying about my little one waiting. And to my little one any thing less than me showing up with a ride to take him home is not acceptable. Everyday I wait to hear that I can finalize the approach take the little one home.

Personally, my Mom has always been there to soothe even a momentary bump in the road of my life. I still wait to be there for my little one so as to soothe the bumps in his road of life as he needs them to be for balance.

Maybe it is harder adopt an older child but I would say the markers on the path are so much clearer. I do not have to guess so much. He indicates so much clearer his emotional and ego nurtureing needs so that I am less likely to miss them. I see the pain and if I miss others fill in the blanks. Even the other children. Children are not blank slates there to be reinvented, rather they look to us to just be who they are.

So there it is - I wait.

Dusting and Tidying up some last minute issues on the list ...

I traveled to Seattle this week for training since I am still waiting to go to Russia. It is kind of a cool class about leadership styles and techiques. It was on my list of things to take if I had time and seemed to be a good time. Two weeks ago I recertified for First Aid and CPR. It is interesting how things change over time and there is a lot of new and good information out there. The EMT who taught the class was fantastic and because he has two small children and was able to give the class additional tips about first aid for children which was a nice bonus. He also had an infant dummy to practice CPR with and it made a world of difference to experience what that might be like. I have read about the procedure but had never really had a chance to practice it. I personally was really happy to discover my my hands would comfortably span a baby thereby allowing me to use my thumbs for CPR while supporting the little one. Of course I am adopting an older child but I feel so much more comfortable about giving CPR to a little one.

Ironically, on the way to that class a cyclist crashed into the back of a stopped car right in front of me. As I learned in the class we all did everything right. Apparently, stopping was the first thing. Calling 911 as we were running to the downed man was another. The book from the class also listed the Russian equivlant of 911 and it is totally getting put on my phone before I go back. I so love my cell phone. Thank goodness the cyclist was conscious and the emergency people got there super fast. It made me a few minutes late to class but as the EMT said during introductions - what is being a little late to something if you save a life? At the break I told him why I was late and he just smiled.

Anyway, I am getting things done. The cross stitch project is almost done but for a few more rays on the halo. Unfortunately the orange trim awaits for my return home. Believe it or not I pretty much took the summer off from my Russian studies. Yes, I listen to Russian music and the Cheburashka CD but for the most part I took a break. Okay for I practice conversation senarios when I ride into work in the morning but I think that may not count.


That being said, I have spoken with the universty department and they are willing to work with my need to be in Russia for the little one so back to class I will go. They want me to also take the phonetics class this year to help with the little one's speech issues and I am thinking about that. I both look forward to the language class itself and dread it at the same time. I love it because I love the language which seems so lyrical to me. I love the flow of the words. I love writing it. At the same time I think all Russians must be very smart because it is such a difficult language to learn. I remember my first quarter. During finals Galina our teacher left the room (it is not as if we could cheat from one another) and one of the student finally started banging her head on the table. Literally. It made us all laugh.

It is not an easy language quickly learned. But is rewarding. Recently, at work someone introduced me to a city police officer working with my agency who was from Russia. We talked briefly and someone asked him - could you understand her? He said yes, she speaks Russian. That is good enough for me.

So as I sit and try to be patient (I was such a wiggler on Sunday mornings) I reflect on being thankful that I still have time to fuss with details in getting ready for the little one to finally be home. From the beginning it was my intent to give the child I adopted the very best life I could. I mean that from every level. Since life is never perfect I continue to find little bits I want to fuss with. Once he gets here everything will change I will have no time for all the fussing which is how it should be. Once he is here that is when it all begins and I cannot wait. Of course until then I will I just need to stop wiggling and fussing :) I hope this posts finds everyone well. I keep you in my prayers and I hope that you will keep me in either your prayers or thoughts. Have a fantastic Tuesday and take care, Sarah :)

Yeah - today was not the day ...

I want to thank everyone for keeping me in their prayers and thoughts. I treasure all that outpouring of love and support. And it will happen when it will happen. There are a couple of documents still needing to be dealt with before the date will issue from the court. I hope it all gets taken care of soon. And I will have to update the medical certification because it expires at the end of the month. Kind of a bummer but then there are still lots of stuff to take care of before the little one arrives.


My realtor was really sweet and emailed me this week wanting to throw me a shower for the little one. People at work have already insisted on throwing one so I was totally speechless. I had never even thought about it. I think I have already bought too much stuff for him. If you asked Lana, my translator in Vlad, she would definately agree. I really do not need anything other than maybe some clothing but I was kind of waiting until I was about to get on the plane because kids can grow so fast. I am actually of half a mind to wait until I get there so that I can buy stuff that will reasonably fit him.


Also, I can continue to save for what I call the SUV of the bike world, which is a nifty bike from the Netherlands and can be seen at this link http://clevercycles.com/store/?c=web2.68. I currently commute to work by bike year round. So even while there is a train just around the corner from my house that takes all of nine minutes to deliver me to work, I still insist on suiting up in the cold and rainy dark of winter so that I can bike to work. That being said, I am not inclined to subject the little one to the same extreme conditions, hence my intent to buy this SUV. It comes with a severe weather cover and the front section is roomy enough so that serious gear can be added to keep him warm. Even though he will go to the Russian elementary school immersion program in our public school system (the only one of its kind in the country - check out the link! http://enrollment.pps.k12.or.us/.docs/pg/11139) I will still use the SUV bike for commuting for the family. And fun family weekend outings with the little one and my Dalmatian Louie. The Labrador Gabrielle would never come - she might have to expend energy getting in and out of the bike. :)


I ended my week with friends. My friend Maggie suggested we take another friend, Dolena, out for a late birthday celebration. A few more friends joined and it was a wonderful time. The place we picked to meet was hosting a Red Hat Society gathering and it was an amazing experience. Some of those hats are way too gorgeous. I want one!!


So the day ended on a sweet note. That is good enough today for me. I hope that everyone has an awesome weekend. Me I will probably be painting that orange trim. A greater love has no Mom. Take care, Sarah

So it is 6 p.m. in Vlad ...

And I cannot sleep. At this moment I am not sure if I am more ready to be joyful or terrified. Oh my goodness, my son may almost be home. I guess I should really finish the orange trim in his room. (His idea not mine!!). It is moments like this when I am grateful God is in charge of it all. It is all so amazing. Take care, Sarah

Maybe I go to Russia Soon!!!

I may get a court date by the end of the week! Please keep us in your prayers. Pretty please. :) :)

And I keep working on the little one's room. The last thing to be done was the trim. When I was in Russia he indicated orange was his favorite color which is a hard option during room decoration. That being said I finally decided to use colors that match (unintentionally) the artwork on the book "The Most Precious Thing" by Gill Lewis and Illustrated by Louise Ho. :) :) :)

So I keep working on drafting a how I first met the little one but I also just sent out an email to another family who is considering adopting a cleft child. If anyone thinks what I may have said is interesting just let me know and I will post my silly thoughts on the matter. Take care, Sarh

I spent a lot of time in the gym today!!!

Believe it or not doing all those silly exercises helps to even everything out. And I did a lot of thinking about everything today. I remembered I have such a totally cool life. There are so many amazing people in my life. And there are so many people waiting for the little one to come home so that they can all meet him. I always think I live so quietly but I cannot believe how many people in my life simply expect, nay demand, up-to-the-minute news. And they have already made clear they expect to see him frequently. It is my quiet life for goodness sakes - these people even rarely see me - truly. Much less my academic studies - I live in awe of those people. :0 (I will talk about them in a later post - Dr. Freels is so totally way cool I cannot believe it!!!!!)

The total all - it is so wonderful I simply stand in awe of it all. :) I simply fell in love with a little one and then him for me. It all seemed so simple even though it is complex and difficult. I never considered anyone else would want to hear the story. After others prodded me it occurred to me that it might be helpful to others if I shared my stories from my first trip given it was such an awesome experience. The picture at the top of this page was taken on the bay in Vlad by another fantastic adopting family. They are such an inspiration to me. The sweetness of Peter telling Masha goodnight will never leave me. Of course we bring our children into our lives but his sweetness of giving her comfort while in the embrace of her new family will always make my heart remember. I was not blessed to see Peter welcome his sons after the process was done. But I know it went well!!!!

Such amazing people. That bay is edged by a small amusement park that was closed when we were there in March. I had hoped to take the little one there during the return trip since it was to be open in the summer but that may not happen.

Good thing in a way because then I would have some justification for buying that coat in the pic which while it was on a closeout sale (February in Portland is like spring in other places) but it still cost a bit. Soooo if I could use it for another really cold trip to Vlad my fiscally conservative feelings would be soothed. I am thankful that my mother, after my father died, took the family north to Montana in search of the perfect small town so that I could understand some places on the planet get really really cold - hence the coat. And the serious supply of the long underwear that helps out. And if you adopt in Vlad in the winter do not forget to get good footwear.

Tonight I will refrain from describing the most wonderful first meeting with my son simply because it needs to be done properly. It was such a wonderful experience that I want to make sure I get it all exactly right for everyone. That being said, I would note it is important to be busy and engaged while going through this process. My going to the gym is simply the tip of the iceberg. :)

One thing I did once I decided to adopt a waiting child was to read even more books on adoption and the adopted child. And the medical issues - I have read so much I can literally quote stats about the particular issues which makes me a somewhat cranky mama when people try to gloss over stuff because they see me as a non-medical person. I have read through such huge piles of stuff (in English and Russian) such that when people approach me about wanting to learn about adoption, I can pull books out addressing their specific issues. But I ultimately feel that is still a surface situation. The most important thing is being ready to love from the heart out.

I tend to do that anyway but I think we all need to remember it is how the heart loves that helps the children grow best. I have been, and continue to, work so hard to make sure I am a good mom that, even though I always keep before me the little ones absolute insistence his mother would come for him (that is a story for another day), I still fall into the trap of focusing on that which I can control in the day-to-day drone of existence.

So I try to refocus on his issues. One of the things I did when I decided to adopt him was to begin a cross-stitch design to commemorate this family event. It is totally cool and can be found at http://www.tiag.com/ (click on Angel of Mercy II). I started it the day I filed the paperwork. It was originally a design I had bought to make for my sister and her youngest but never got around to it. I worked on it to trips to D.C. for work. I worked on it on planes to Russia. I worked on it during the daily six plus hour drives from Vlad to his orphanage. This offer of love currently rules my nights and weekends. It is my gift to him. Of course I love him and I am already the mother of his heart but I wanted him to see that love is sometimes simply a gift that has nothing to do with food, clothing or shelter. :) Or even boy things because moms are simply loving and somewhat sappy. :)

And maybe when he is a young man (soon to be) and I am late taking him to school for the last time, he will remember that I have always been there making forever memories for him - even if I forget near deadlines.

So I think I have gone on just a bit so I will say good night. Take care and take love out into the world - Sarah :)

Thank you everyone! It is all good even though it may not be roses :)

So I am still trying to figure out how to respond to everyone. I know, I know, it is just a simple click (probably) but I am so overwhelmed by the love I forget to figure that part out. And I have been seriously working on the little one's issues.

And life has just been so crazy. I am sure I have told people before but I kind of work in a zoo. It pays well enough but the residents are a bit touched. And last week was a bit over top. It is like, people cannot really act like that - but of course they do.

And today - well today took a bit of work so as to get up the hill. I always say if God brings us to it he will bring us through it but geez, this one took some deep breaths. Several weeks ago a family (not CHI) who adopted a cleft child out of China recommended a doctor to contact given she specialized in international adoption. I totally love my family doctor Kathleen given she is so way cool, but she recently moved to southern Oregon due to family issues I thought I would at least talk with this new doctor that is within biking distance of my job.

I have never been one to simply settle but that doctor's visit today felt a lot like that. Even though they sent me initial paperwork in the child's name the visit today was handled as if I was the new patient. At every turn I was simply waived onto the next person as I tried to explain they had the wrong take on why I was there.

So then the visit went on. The doctor came in and took my family history of health. It was like I was being plugged into some kind of impersonal matrix of health information. It is even computerized and I was told I should be comforted by that fact. Suddenly that form I needed to sign and submit in order to keep my little one's information being subjected to anonymous genetic testing started sending off large alarm bells in my head. This situation is not the caring help and sensitive transition I am seeking for my little one.

At some point the doctor realized the visit was not about me but it was for the little one. The doctor then indicated that she did not do these kind of visits at this location but somewhere else. Then she adjusted and focused on the little one - sort of. I tried to make sure the doctor understood the little one was a bilateral cleft palate child with some in country surgery and there were other medical issues. (DuH!!!)

After not really listening to me the doctor started to review my hand written notes about what I was told in Russia about the little one's medical history (after not listening to me). Later those notes were copied. Anyway, at the start of those notes there was a note that there was smoking and alcohol consumption during pregnancy. So, ironically, I was then treated to a tentatively approached yet strongly pursued conversation about the most overt physical manifestations of FAS. Like potentially an overly flat section beneath the little one's nose. Given he was a bilateral cleft he didn't really have a nose before the wonderful doctors in Russia did two surgeries so that was not a real good help.

At this point I am seriously sad about this whole interaction but I decide to not stand up, wave my hands at the idiocy and walk out. Overt behavior can so get you in trouble. :) So then the doctor told me there was probably an unnaturally flat area around his eyes. I said I was aware this possibility and had not observed such. It really felt like I was really rowing up against the current at this point. I frankly cannot imagine what it would have felt like if I had the little one home. This is seriously hard work. And the prejudice makes me even sadder.

Anyway, finally, the doctor looked at the pics. I had only marked a couple of pics in the photo album I have prepared for court so as to show the doctor some of my specific concerns but she looked at them all. As a mom I was most concerned about discussing his need for muscle therapy, his eye sight, the need for bridge, blah, blah, blah. But she looked at all the pictures - even the one I took on day two of my beloved morning cup of coffee. And she did not address my blah, blah, blah.

So after I left, called my Mom and complained. I love my boy and I am not happy with anyone who interferes with his best interests, no matter who that may be in this world. It is obvious that this was not the doctor for us.

Life is silly. But it is good. And these children are just there, quietly waiting for us to get past it all and bring them home. Keep the faith and God bless. And I ask you to please pray for the little one - and however God decides. It really is all good in his hands - just believe. :) Sarah

Sorry for checking out for awhile ...

Some of those who I love so well reminded me that people would like updates so here I go. ALL THE PAPERWORK IS DONE!!! YEAH!!! And the little one's room is mostly done. I am not sure if I talked about it before but when I asked him what his favorite color was he indicated orange. Tangerine orange to be exact. (I personally thought - ick!!) That made this mama-to-be sad given I was hoping to paint his room in the said favorite color when the expected response was to be blue or green. A sign of what it is to be mom. I cannot wait for the horny toads of which my mother remembers so fondly. A total yuck.

I have struggled to accommodate his indication and find resolution between his preference and my inane American need to personalize his room. It seems so like such a silly thing but as many of you know those of who wait try and fix that which is in our control and let God deal with the rest. Hence, the trim in the yellow room will be orange and there are accents that should even out everything aesthetically.

The best thing about the room is that it will reflect the Russian cartoon character Chebrushka which, to the little one, is the story of his life. The little one is a cleft child and while Russia has been fantastic in giving him a functional face and nose, others still tease him. He of course thinks he is beautiful and I thank God for a picture of that moment. On the first day I met him he kept squeezing the toy I brought for him. Then the caretaker (who is so fantastic!) did the same thing so on the second day I asked to stop at a toy store and bought the only stuffed toy that made a sound when squeezed. I found out later it was a well-known Russian cartoon character. In the story, a strange creature arrives somewhere in Russia in an orange crate. To my American eyes Chebrushka looks like a cross between a monkey and a panda bear. Anyway, in the story Chebrushka has no friends because he looks kind of funny until he is befriended by a crocodile, finds a home, other friends and goes to school.

Once I gave that doll to my little one he walked around and played it non-stop until I asked the translator what the toy was singing (my Russian was not up to that!). So it all works out. God puts us on the path. It is our job simply to put one foot in front of another. And trust. And now his room is done in a monkey theme. It is nice since my favorite stuffed toy was a monkey when I was a kid. Seems like a good fit.

On to other things. I finished my art history classes with A's. Now am going to the gym daily in addition to biking to and from work. And I study Russian daily even though it often drives me to my knees. It helps to be distracted. It really does. In addition to getting the little one's room finished I painted most of the first floor of my house. While the more public rooms are done in a tasteful plum and watercolor lily, the master bath was treated to an intense pink. It is so pink it made the adjacent hallway glow. Wow. :) I might have to repaint that next year but for now it really kick starts the day.

So I continue to wait for the travel email. At 5 plus months it hurts. It is my little boy I need to bring home. But I keep finding things to handle for the little one. Portland Oregon public schools have a federal grant for full Russian immersion from kindergarden through high school and I have been working with people to get the little one in sync with it all. There is no other program like it in the country. In addition, Portland has two medical centers that have state-of-the-art, international traveling, cleft palete intervention teams one of which is connected to our Children's hospital so he is covered for medical issues as well as educational needs. As soon as we land, I call and he is in process so that we can evaluate what he needs now. He was a baby when I started this adoption and now he is a young man. My heart hurts.

I miss him so much. People ask me why I adopt internationally, and frankly I am still not sure of the answer. I know I was searching for my child and God brought me to him. He is such a wonderful child and I am so lucky. Thank you God.

I ask you all, if you will, to pray that we finish all this silly legal process stuff soon so that the little one can come home. He is the most amazing child. When I look at him all I can say is WOW.

Hello all! The paperwork continues to cycle through. I sent off over a dozen apostilled documents to St. Louis over the weekend. It still seems like there are still several left. On Friday, Children's Hope notified families adopting out of Vladivostok that there are two new requirements: an FBI check and a no Sexual Predator history certification. It is amazing how this all gets done.

Anyway I met with the group at work about the little one's shower which will now be held after he is home. I am thinking about registering at Sears because they replace clothing or shoes that a child either outgrows or destroys too soon for free. Since he will be leaving Russia with nothing, I suspect I need serious help in gettng him outfitted. Other than that I have my heart kind of set on getting him a Playmobil Airport set. And all the little extras. He and I will go through several airports before we get home and I thought it would be something he could see as a bridge from Vlad to Portland and all that entails. So that is totally going on the list.

And I am almost done with Art History classes for the year. They are hard but I may be done with those for the degree. If so, I can focus on the Russian language classes next year. I can hardly wait. Even better, with the school year ending I can pay more attention to the children I sponser in Russia. Even if children cannot be adopted they need someone to love and care for them. And I have the best and most wonderful sponser children. I am so proud of them. I am so looking forward to writing them more and letting them know I care about them.

So, off I go. I need to write at least one page on Japanese shogunate castles before I go to bed tonight. Take care and God Bless. - Sarah :)

So the paperwork goes. Hopefully it gets done soon. And the best thing of all is that people at work are meeting with me on Wednesday to plan a "shower" for my little one. How cool is that. Of course I have no idea what to ask for - just having him home would be enough. I got him that totally cool multi-directional bunkbed from America the Beautiful Dreamer AND a lifetime supply of the most excellent bubbles so I think we are set. And there are the tons of other toys (mostly gifts) and the complete children's library compliments of my dear dear friend Nancy. Everyone who sees it is blown away by its size. Thank you Nancy.

And I did the update with the social worker and she is so wonderful. That is one of the things I like most about my agency is the people. They are what helps me remain so calm and centered. Now I kind scurry around and try to be ready.

I did have a great sadness in my life recently given I put my oldest and most favorite Dalmatian to sleep at the beginning of May. Her name was Good Golly Miss Molly, Molly for short. She was ill and even though we seemed to be winning the medical battle we lost the war even with around the clock care. It was a very sad time. It seems better now but I still miss her.

And school is getting closer to being done. I woke up today dreaming about Shogon palaces and portraits of Zen buddhist monks. That was a cool place to begin a day. Work did its best to dent that morning glow but it fell short. So tonight I cuddle with my other Dalmatian, Louie and go back to dreaming.

Tonight I dream of a sunrise in Moscow. Pray for us and take care, Sarah :)

I am a bit sad today. I finally admitted to myself that I was not happy to hear from CHI last week that I will probably wait a minimum of 5 to 7 months before I return and complete the process. Given my experience with this agency that could well mean the year will be gone and we could be into the next one before I go back for little dude. On top of that pretty much all of the documents are expiring in May because I rushed and got paperwork done within a month once I decided to adopt a special needs child. And there is some anomaly with agency docs that is causing additional attention from me. It is really hard to be here a year later and still not be done. If you had met the little one it would become clear that it is not me who carries the most pain in this continuing saga.

That being said, I missed the final months of little dude's babyhood and I gave that over to the higher one to be what it will be. What I now find hard to endure is knowing that everyday he waits for me to walk back through the door. Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers. That being said, friends have been so wonderful about being there for me while I wander this difficult path.

I want to give a shout out to my friend Ruth who I think has moved mountains for me so that I can go and hang out with some of favorite people by way of distraction. Thank you Ruth, you are totally the tops. :) And Carey for asking me the same "why" questions that circle around in my mind everyday. Please say hi! to Mimi. :) And give a big hug to Audrey.

And there are the people at work who help me remember how totally excellent life is and to never lose sight of that simple life fact. I thank God everyday for Eileen - she is such a rock! And there is Ann who with her simple assumption that of course there would be a baby shower for the little one that laid me out totally flat. I never even thought about how of course people would want to show their support by being there in such a wonderful way. How cool is that!!! And there are so many others who, by just simply being there as colleagues, make all the silliness okay.

And there is Mom. She puts up with a lot with me. She is the front line on what happens when I cope with all this silliness. She gets the crankiness, the sharpness and the general venting about all of it but she is still totally there for me. I cannot wait to try and be such a great mom.

It will all work out and will be what it was meant to be. And the flowers are blooming. :) The daffodils and grape hyacinth along with my star magnolia are almost done but the roses are going gang busters. The butterfly bushes are also seriously getting serious. And the bleeding hearts are out of control. I totally love the form and beauty of the flower. While it is still too early for tomatoes to be in the ground it is getting close. It all works out and I guess that is the final message of the day - it all works out. Thanks for reading this and being there for me. I totally appreciate it.

Life is a funny thing

I really love what I do or I would have quit years ago. This has been an interesting day for me. I kind of go through my day I as I will. Today, went lunch with my secretary. There is nothing better than lunching with a valued colleague. I get back to my office and my big boss tells me the work environment is supportive of the adoption and I simply need to idenfity the particulars. HOW GREAT IS THAT!!!!!
One of the things this site has yet to reflect is all the wonderful people I work with at Bonneville. They say it takes a village to raise a child but I say it takes a loving extended family to create a positive situation for change in the world. The people I live next to every day at Bonneville are those who, in their own way, change the world. They have been doing it for the better, and quietly, for years. They changed me and help me continue to change the world.

Hello all! Just after I got this blog started I came down with a trifeca of illness. There was the chest cold combined with a sinus infection topped by an ear infection. Wow, I was really sick. I suspect the 40+ hours I spent on planes caused my immune shield to go down once I was home and bang - I got really sick. Finally, I am getting better and can turn back to bringing the little dude home. I have been in contact with the agency and I have a pile of documents to get redone. For those of you looking to adopt the notarized documents are only good for a year. The criminal check is only valid for 6 months and the medical cert 90 days. What fun.

On to better things. I had bought a bunkbed about two years ago when I was ramping up for the adoption so imagine my surprise that I bought yet another bed set when I was out shopping with Mom. Mom is no help in my attempts to try and keep money from flying out of my pocket. There is always something she finds that I absolutely must have. Of course to be totally redundant the new bed is a bunk bed set too. But this one is way cooler with a built in desk, drawers and shelving. I wish my bed had been so cool when I was little. Oh wait, I went with the pink/white canopy room approach. No cool "fort" options in that genre. Bummer.

Anyway the new and improved set has that orange/maple tone that is sure to bring a smile to the little one. Then on the last day of my visit with him I asked what his favorite color was to which he replied "orange." Me, being the designy artistic type that I am had hoped that there would be a color choice more likely to actually become a wall color. Orange is not that kind of color. But the bed will get us a long way there and with something like a sun mural on one of the walls I think we are good. Of course I have an extra bunk bed but that is what the empty rooms are for :). Beware - all who visit the Westenberg home will be using a guestroom outfitted in multiple sleeping options. :) And it will be done in a Dalmatian theme because I have way too much of the stuff and I have to get serious about being an adult now. Yeah, right. :)

Hello to the world. I am an adopting mother waiting for the second call to travel to Russia so that I can finalize my adoption of a child who has waited for a mother for a very long time. I was so moved by the CHI second trip families that I decided to begin this blog - something quite out of character for me. Yet, I found their strength and willingness to share about this process so awe inspiring I decided to try and let others know about my experiences in the hopes they find the comfort and joy the others gave to me.

Postings to follow will probably be a mixture of stories from the trip and updates on the ongoing paper chase. Immediately following this trip I was laid low by a flu the likes of which I haven't experienced in many a year. I hurt in so many places I lost count. Anyway, I am now behind in the paper chase. My recommendation is to never knowingly allow yourself to fall behind because the paper mountain is always far steeper than it seems.

The housekeeping matter attended to, I want to let people know this whole process has fundamentally changed something deep inside of me. The child I hope to be a mother to is the most amazing child. Now that I am back home I often tell people this is a child that has something really special to give to the world.

Even more wonderful are the people in Russia that take care of him everyday. One of his primary caregivers is such a phenomenal person, I get tears in my eyes everytime I think of her. Almost to a person I was welcomed with open arms by the people that care for these great children. They were such wonderful people. And they did not mind my broken Russian and were more than happy to talk more than I did (I still understand better than I speak :) ) . And the other families - Wow. They are such a total wow. I am so in awe of them and at the same time I feel as though I finally found my Tribe. And I did not even know I was in need of finding connection to such wonderful people.

I have been so blessed with family, friends, and others in this quest. As I often say, my little guy has a whole city working for him. And I thought I would just quietly tuck a child into my life. Not likely!!!!!

And no matter what anyone thinks - it is all so totally worth it. I came home awed and humbled on so many levels. And so inspired on so many levels. The kids are fantastic and all involved are wonderful.

Finally - when did Americans get to be so rude? It took me many days to readjust to American abruptness. Even when I got lost in the Moscow Metro for a couple of hours people were polite. I had a harder time navigating LAX and home. Who knew????