Mom continues to improve. She sent me to Starbucks today to pick up her signature mocha. :) The nurses were impressed.
It is still too soon to know what we will do, but it will be all okay. As long as she lives, I can stop crying and the rest is easy. I took one of my favorite down napping quilts in for her because she has been so cold in the hospital and I want her warmer. People heal faster if they are not shivering all the time. I also told her to eat more and put so fat on. :) The nurses are amazed at how much I get her to do.
Rookies. I have have dealt with so much worse. For the rest of my life I think everything will be measured against what I personally call the Alex Standard. He has really set the bar fairly high. He is a normal little boy today but that took time and work. In what I find to be the funniest interaction of all is Alex telling his babushka that the last tube needs to come out - and she should have done it days ago. Alex has been celebrating as the number of tubes became less. He knows about this issue well. They are so terribly sweet with one another. I never truly understood before now how deeply connected they are with one another.
My mom complains that I sound too much like the nurses and they have too many rules. Again, I have done a lot of time with the medical people so I get it and I then explain it to her in detail. Then she does what is needed.
After our visit today the kids and I went to a crafts store to stock up on science kits and art projects. I think we spent a little too much but they were so happy with what we decided upon so that is what we did. As I am swooning a little during the swiping of my debit card, Alex races back to the valentine stuff and picks out a sticker book for both him and his sister. He then pulls out his money he has saved from chores and plops down the payment. He was so proud. He is a paying customer too. And his sister was ecstatic.
My children are so terribly sweet with one another. I would like to think it is my influence but I am not sure. Maybe it is all the sappy Disney movies we all watch. I do not know. I am just so terribly grateful that we have such a wonderful family life daily. That is our normal.
So then we went home and I stacked the projects in the work area while they tore around the house playing. For the first time in weeks I made a dinner which had some of my creative flair with the baked chicken - and all the right portions of everything. Given my kids were so lacking in nutrition when they came home, it has been my most important priority that they get the right foods, and plenty of them. For instance, my children guzzle bottled water like other kids drink soda. They love broccoli. They think snacks are always a fruit or vegetable. Last couple of weeks it has been a struggle, with me falling back on the plan B heat and serves options, while still good, they lacked inspiration.
The fact that I walked back into my kitchen and created food with joy, is a sign things are getting better. Now if the eggplant in the frig can remain good for another day, I will be a happy camper.
We are the lucky ones. We found one another. Our family is happy and getting back to our normal happy pace.
Alex goes to rock climbing class tomorrow. He is always such a hoot hanging off that wall. He races through the exercises and is absolutely fearless hanging by a mere grip and dangling. He is amazing to watch. Daria and I will practice her dance routine simply because she loves it so much. Life is good.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
How Love Literally Shapes a Family - An interesting observation about how people view families
At least twice today, people mistook my kids for twins. And then they noted how much they looked like me. People have been saying that a lot about my kids lately. I kind of smile and now only say they are not twins.
I no longer tell strangers they are adopted. I am proud of my kids and want to give them full credit for being so well adjusted but I am attempting to zip my mouth and let them be known as simply "normal." I no longer try to tell people why they are not bio siblings. Because it does not matter of course.
My far older brother adopted children and then he and his wife got pregnant. Twice. I remember being at a family function and someone attempting to point out who was adopted and who was not. I did not see the difference and could not understand the distinction. Since my brother David was the third generation to adopt and have bio children it was the norm in my sense of family.
I am now seeing that happen in my house. I will tell you, my kids did not look like me or like each other when we met. While Alex and I had the same hair and eye color, we did not look alike - more or less. Now he looks like me because he uses my facial expressions, verbal intonations, etc. Before his last surgery he used to complain he could not sound like me - but now he does. When I met my daughter, Daria, she looked so beautifully different I was in awe.
Now it is true, we all look similar. I think it is because my kids are being loved and cared for daily. They now smile my smile of love. They now make my gestures of exuberance or frustration. They do what I do. Just like all other kids do with their parents. I think we all look like one another because we love one another. It is love that makes us seem similar not our actual physical features. Alex is so incredibly handsome and sweet the girls already swoon at his feet. Daria is bound for stardom, I am convinced. She just has that something "extra." My kids are so different but yet so bound to the safety and normalcy of family life. My children wanted a family more than anything else and they work at it every day. I am so terribly proud of them.
At the same time I feel kind of cheated. I worked really hard to adopt and I didn't know it but I kind of wanted people to know I had done it. Instead people just look at us as another family, not knowing how hard we are work at it - every day. They just see me as a single Mom with a couple of kids and sometimes underestimate me. They do not know I am not a woman abandoned, nor do they know my kids and I work with one another every day to create our lives. I made the choice to have these children and my kids made the choice to be with the family.
So I am quiet and just smile for the folks. Adoption has been a terribly hard road for me with lots of sacrifice and loss but I still do it for the children. When I began I thought it was about me but now I see that it has always been about them - the kids needing a home. When I forget, the children say something to remind me.
Maybe that is how it should be - all families work at being the best family they can be. The love found within a family is unmatchable. It heals all.
So it goes. May all be well with you and your loved ones.
I no longer tell strangers they are adopted. I am proud of my kids and want to give them full credit for being so well adjusted but I am attempting to zip my mouth and let them be known as simply "normal." I no longer try to tell people why they are not bio siblings. Because it does not matter of course.
My far older brother adopted children and then he and his wife got pregnant. Twice. I remember being at a family function and someone attempting to point out who was adopted and who was not. I did not see the difference and could not understand the distinction. Since my brother David was the third generation to adopt and have bio children it was the norm in my sense of family.
I am now seeing that happen in my house. I will tell you, my kids did not look like me or like each other when we met. While Alex and I had the same hair and eye color, we did not look alike - more or less. Now he looks like me because he uses my facial expressions, verbal intonations, etc. Before his last surgery he used to complain he could not sound like me - but now he does. When I met my daughter, Daria, she looked so beautifully different I was in awe.
Now it is true, we all look similar. I think it is because my kids are being loved and cared for daily. They now smile my smile of love. They now make my gestures of exuberance or frustration. They do what I do. Just like all other kids do with their parents. I think we all look like one another because we love one another. It is love that makes us seem similar not our actual physical features. Alex is so incredibly handsome and sweet the girls already swoon at his feet. Daria is bound for stardom, I am convinced. She just has that something "extra." My kids are so different but yet so bound to the safety and normalcy of family life. My children wanted a family more than anything else and they work at it every day. I am so terribly proud of them.
At the same time I feel kind of cheated. I worked really hard to adopt and I didn't know it but I kind of wanted people to know I had done it. Instead people just look at us as another family, not knowing how hard we are work at it - every day. They just see me as a single Mom with a couple of kids and sometimes underestimate me. They do not know I am not a woman abandoned, nor do they know my kids and I work with one another every day to create our lives. I made the choice to have these children and my kids made the choice to be with the family.
So I am quiet and just smile for the folks. Adoption has been a terribly hard road for me with lots of sacrifice and loss but I still do it for the children. When I began I thought it was about me but now I see that it has always been about them - the kids needing a home. When I forget, the children say something to remind me.
Maybe that is how it should be - all families work at being the best family they can be. The love found within a family is unmatchable. It heals all.
So it goes. May all be well with you and your loved ones.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Alex leaping forward
I have always likened Alex's academic ability to progress to a rubber band. You stretch things out and nothing seems to move forward, only backward and then boom - the rubber band shoots forward. Alex is in the process of shooting forward. He is leapfrogging forward in reading and he is simply hungry for math. I am running to keep up. He is so hungry to learn.
He did a science report on eels this week and helped to dissect an octopus in class. Totally yuck for me but he loved it. No, he REALLY LOVED IT! The teacher gave him portions of the octopus to take home. Fun. Like I want Alex to show me the eyes of it. Yuck.
His sister's class also dissected an octopus and Daria couldn't stop talking about the multiple hearts, etc. She has learned more about science these last several weeks than she was ever exposed to in public school. She loves it. Both of them are signed up for Chinese History next month. They will love it. I studied Chinese art and history so I am looking forward to their experiences with the classes. So much fun.
Our day started very early today because the doctors wanted to do a procedure for my Mom at the hospital that I needed to be there about. I consented after I talked with my Mom about it but then she refused to comply with the process. My Mom is back. :)
If you looked up stubborn in the dictionary you might find her picture there. She also is truculent and downright hostile about people, especially strangers, telling her what to do. And the doctors thought I was the difficult one. :) I was simply following orders she had given me in the event of medical emergencies and I was happy to quit the field. I just sat back with the kids and smiled as they dealt with her and she disposed of them and their ideas to her satisfaction, in short order. It was sheer joy to watch her back in action. She even made them give her a Pepsi as a pre-requisite for her to begin eating. I napped in a rocker with Daria curled up with me and Alex read a book. A nice quiet day. After awhile we went home did some school work and then went to swimming class. Alex is excelling at learning swimming too.
I thank God for my Mom being back. There are still issues and many, many weeks of antibiotics needed and other medical support to deal with the weeks in the hospital but she is back and we will keep fighting to get her back to normal. Rather, we will do what she tells us to do and what she will allow.
I strongly suspect that Alex is leaping forward in all areas is because he is no longer in harms' way at school. Alex is so desperate to move forward and quench that thirst for knowledge I feel like I am still only handing crumbs to a starving child. He races through his gymnastics class like it will be gone if he doesn't do it fast enough. I will tell you this though, he never pushes another child, gets in their way or tries to make them move faster. It is like his internal engines are on high rev and he just doesn't want to miss one more minute of his life.
Even though Alex is no longer in school, the public school district is now doing the testing I first requested in 2009 and then again last Spring. I haven't seen the results yet, but one of the testers noted to me, a surprised tone, that Alex is a child that always chooses to do the right thing and he is kind. I have literally being screaming, at some level, about this to them for awhile now. Alex is this really, really good child. He does the right thing - his choice, no one elses. For years I have offered them specialist after specialist to help them understand this gentle child. Such a kid that is kind and gentle is fragile, especially in light of his history, needs kindness in kind - not be allowed in a classroom where other kids hit. Alex will respond to abuse in kind. It was what he was taught in the orphanage when he was too small to fight back and it is what he has been taught in American public schools. But it is not his preferred response.
When I adopted Alex in 2008, I did not understand what I was seeing. I have had a lot of specialists and Alex to help me learn. Now I know. Now I see. I can see it with other children. Alex helped me understand him and other kids dealing with stuff. Kids are resilient. They get over stuff. Remove the trauma, give them support and time and they learn to live with what they know. They become who they are and need to be.
We are all kind of like that - we learn to live with what we know. It is a good thing.
He did a science report on eels this week and helped to dissect an octopus in class. Totally yuck for me but he loved it. No, he REALLY LOVED IT! The teacher gave him portions of the octopus to take home. Fun. Like I want Alex to show me the eyes of it. Yuck.
His sister's class also dissected an octopus and Daria couldn't stop talking about the multiple hearts, etc. She has learned more about science these last several weeks than she was ever exposed to in public school. She loves it. Both of them are signed up for Chinese History next month. They will love it. I studied Chinese art and history so I am looking forward to their experiences with the classes. So much fun.
Our day started very early today because the doctors wanted to do a procedure for my Mom at the hospital that I needed to be there about. I consented after I talked with my Mom about it but then she refused to comply with the process. My Mom is back. :)
If you looked up stubborn in the dictionary you might find her picture there. She also is truculent and downright hostile about people, especially strangers, telling her what to do. And the doctors thought I was the difficult one. :) I was simply following orders she had given me in the event of medical emergencies and I was happy to quit the field. I just sat back with the kids and smiled as they dealt with her and she disposed of them and their ideas to her satisfaction, in short order. It was sheer joy to watch her back in action. She even made them give her a Pepsi as a pre-requisite for her to begin eating. I napped in a rocker with Daria curled up with me and Alex read a book. A nice quiet day. After awhile we went home did some school work and then went to swimming class. Alex is excelling at learning swimming too.
I thank God for my Mom being back. There are still issues and many, many weeks of antibiotics needed and other medical support to deal with the weeks in the hospital but she is back and we will keep fighting to get her back to normal. Rather, we will do what she tells us to do and what she will allow.
I strongly suspect that Alex is leaping forward in all areas is because he is no longer in harms' way at school. Alex is so desperate to move forward and quench that thirst for knowledge I feel like I am still only handing crumbs to a starving child. He races through his gymnastics class like it will be gone if he doesn't do it fast enough. I will tell you this though, he never pushes another child, gets in their way or tries to make them move faster. It is like his internal engines are on high rev and he just doesn't want to miss one more minute of his life.
Even though Alex is no longer in school, the public school district is now doing the testing I first requested in 2009 and then again last Spring. I haven't seen the results yet, but one of the testers noted to me, a surprised tone, that Alex is a child that always chooses to do the right thing and he is kind. I have literally being screaming, at some level, about this to them for awhile now. Alex is this really, really good child. He does the right thing - his choice, no one elses. For years I have offered them specialist after specialist to help them understand this gentle child. Such a kid that is kind and gentle is fragile, especially in light of his history, needs kindness in kind - not be allowed in a classroom where other kids hit. Alex will respond to abuse in kind. It was what he was taught in the orphanage when he was too small to fight back and it is what he has been taught in American public schools. But it is not his preferred response.
When I adopted Alex in 2008, I did not understand what I was seeing. I have had a lot of specialists and Alex to help me learn. Now I know. Now I see. I can see it with other children. Alex helped me understand him and other kids dealing with stuff. Kids are resilient. They get over stuff. Remove the trauma, give them support and time and they learn to live with what they know. They become who they are and need to be.
We are all kind of like that - we learn to live with what we know. It is a good thing.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Alex Continues to Impress During the Medical Crisis
My mom went went back into ICU yesterday. What a difficult time this is becoming. We are now in a marathon for her survival. We all went to see her first thing this morning and Alex impressed all the medical people. The doctor coming over from acute care remembered Alex from a couple of years ago and how wonderful he was in calming a baby that had been placed in my home in a preadoptive placement during vaccination's. Even my Mom's ICU nurse unbent enough to note how wonderfully both my children, but especially Alex was behaving. The doctors even did their rounds right next to them outside the room and they were wonderfully behaved. All the doctors left smiling. One resident even gave me a thumbs up.
Alex is like this hero that literally stands up in the face of adversity and is simply amazing. He too is suffering because my Mom is so sick, but he is also noting when she is getting better. And she did enough today to go back to acute care but it is work. Because the acute care docs now know who I am as the daughter of my Mom but formerly known as the Mom to Alex, Daria and my other kids, they now make sure I know what is going on. It is kind of sweet the way the doctor from acute care said, "I know you!" when he saw me. He went home to Japan when then disaster hit there and he and I had talked about that part of the world because Vlad is just across the water from Japan. I now get calls about even the most routine of risk issues from all the nurses and doctors. It is a marathon for survival and there are lots of less than wonderful options to address.
Alex even quiets the house down, including his still seriously loud sister, while I take the doctor consults. A lot of it seems like the spin of a roulette wheel. The best I can say is I pray. It looks like months and months now. The family has to move to a place of functionality. I just do not know what means right now.
What I remained impressed about is Alex. He does well with crisis. When life gets serious, he steps up. I will again concede that he is not being hit or hurt at school and that probably helps him be the wonderful little boy he normally is in life. That being said, we go back to his old school for testing on Tuesday so as to see where he is academically baseline and if there are additional special ed supports that should be in place. I prepare for it to be what it will be. After it all, we will go to swimming lessons and an outside speech therapist who is magic with Alex so I hope if it isn't a great day while at school, it will be the end of the day that will get us through.
Alex is like this hero that literally stands up in the face of adversity and is simply amazing. He too is suffering because my Mom is so sick, but he is also noting when she is getting better. And she did enough today to go back to acute care but it is work. Because the acute care docs now know who I am as the daughter of my Mom but formerly known as the Mom to Alex, Daria and my other kids, they now make sure I know what is going on. It is kind of sweet the way the doctor from acute care said, "I know you!" when he saw me. He went home to Japan when then disaster hit there and he and I had talked about that part of the world because Vlad is just across the water from Japan. I now get calls about even the most routine of risk issues from all the nurses and doctors. It is a marathon for survival and there are lots of less than wonderful options to address.
Alex even quiets the house down, including his still seriously loud sister, while I take the doctor consults. A lot of it seems like the spin of a roulette wheel. The best I can say is I pray. It looks like months and months now. The family has to move to a place of functionality. I just do not know what means right now.
What I remained impressed about is Alex. He does well with crisis. When life gets serious, he steps up. I will again concede that he is not being hit or hurt at school and that probably helps him be the wonderful little boy he normally is in life. That being said, we go back to his old school for testing on Tuesday so as to see where he is academically baseline and if there are additional special ed supports that should be in place. I prepare for it to be what it will be. After it all, we will go to swimming lessons and an outside speech therapist who is magic with Alex so I hope if it isn't a great day while at school, it will be the end of the day that will get us through.
Friday, January 18, 2013
A family is just family
Kids and life! They take up so much time. My mom is doing better but what that means is too early to tell. She is awake and she and Alex had a moment today which meant a lot to both of them. Having him be a part of all of the hospital visits has helped his issues. I remain convinced that no secrets from kids is the best policy. I have seen him actually blossom emotionally during this trying family time. Or maybe it is because he is no longer hit at school. Being hit or teased really makes him mad. He has already endured a lifetime of that and will not anymore. Normal life drama does not faze him.
Alex still fusses around the edges but really, he is being so amazingly awesome. I wake up crying and stressed which then leaves me a bit snappy because I want to go see my Mom at the acute care unit and Alex just ignores me. Even when I am upset him he ignores me. I apologize immediately of course because I would never even be snappy at my miracle children. Losing a loved one, or almost losing a loved one is so terribly difficult.
It has been so unexpected. I buried a parent when I was six-years-old and I thought it was the hardest thing. This has been harder. Not because I do not have support or anything but I have just been so unprepared. And it is my Mom, my last parent. My kids watch how love of a family member plays out. My kids, denied a family life for so long, see how it works and why love matters. They have been awesome about the daily visits. They also see normal life continue. I think that is such an important lesson for them to know.
Everyone has to get back up and continue live in moments of tragedy. My kids knew that fact before they came home but they are now seeing it within a circle love.
The home schooling continues daily and I met with Daria's special ed team today to determine further support. All in all a good day.
I just want to say that I have been blessed with all sorts of people I know offering to help me. People from every corner of my life are jumping out to help. I have even been able to work around everything, from home. I have just been dealing with a lot of grief. And looming life changes. I do not know how to ask for help with grief. I think I must just have to cry a lot. So I do and the kids are getting used to the Mama with red, weepy eyes. They know it is not about them.
The beloved kids are still having a wonderful time. Swimming lessons are going wonderfully. Alex is moving to the next class up already! Alex is also an absolute whiz at gymnastics. He is seriously talented at all of it and may even go to the Olympics someday. I already suspected that since he has been balancing off of the edges of everything for years - just for fun. And doing backflips over the furniture. Oh my.
And Daria has discovered hip hop. She cannot remember all the steps but she loves it. She breaks out in dance every time she hears music. When she listens in to Russian radio on my Iphone (which I listen to a lot) she is filled with joy. My daughter destined for the Broadway stage. :) We are a happy family. We are the lucky ones. We found one anther.
Alex still fusses around the edges but really, he is being so amazingly awesome. I wake up crying and stressed which then leaves me a bit snappy because I want to go see my Mom at the acute care unit and Alex just ignores me. Even when I am upset him he ignores me. I apologize immediately of course because I would never even be snappy at my miracle children. Losing a loved one, or almost losing a loved one is so terribly difficult.
It has been so unexpected. I buried a parent when I was six-years-old and I thought it was the hardest thing. This has been harder. Not because I do not have support or anything but I have just been so unprepared. And it is my Mom, my last parent. My kids watch how love of a family member plays out. My kids, denied a family life for so long, see how it works and why love matters. They have been awesome about the daily visits. They also see normal life continue. I think that is such an important lesson for them to know.
Everyone has to get back up and continue live in moments of tragedy. My kids knew that fact before they came home but they are now seeing it within a circle love.
The home schooling continues daily and I met with Daria's special ed team today to determine further support. All in all a good day.
I just want to say that I have been blessed with all sorts of people I know offering to help me. People from every corner of my life are jumping out to help. I have even been able to work around everything, from home. I have just been dealing with a lot of grief. And looming life changes. I do not know how to ask for help with grief. I think I must just have to cry a lot. So I do and the kids are getting used to the Mama with red, weepy eyes. They know it is not about them.
The beloved kids are still having a wonderful time. Swimming lessons are going wonderfully. Alex is moving to the next class up already! Alex is also an absolute whiz at gymnastics. He is seriously talented at all of it and may even go to the Olympics someday. I already suspected that since he has been balancing off of the edges of everything for years - just for fun. And doing backflips over the furniture. Oh my.
And Daria has discovered hip hop. She cannot remember all the steps but she loves it. She breaks out in dance every time she hears music. When she listens in to Russian radio on my Iphone (which I listen to a lot) she is filled with joy. My daughter destined for the Broadway stage. :) We are a happy family. We are the lucky ones. We found one anther.
Monday, January 14, 2013
We celebrate smiling cleft faces in our ice cream
My Mom is out of ICU and no permanent organ damage. Praise God. And Alex finally calmed down. I think going to the hospital has helped him because he can see how much better his grandmother (Babushka) is doing every day.
And we are back to kind of a regular schedule complete with eating dinner at home together. Apparently that is really important to the kids. I never knew but I am glad I am doing it for them. Tonight, after a pile of veggies and other good stuff, dessert was ice cream. After dishing it up the bowl of ice cream looked like a smiling cleft face so I added crackers for eyes and Alex was charmed. In our house being a cleft child is a good and happy thing. Both of my kids were positive about being cleft - it is just normal life.
On the home schooling front, things are going well. I cannot understand how Alex was allowed to fall so far behind academically because he pushes every day to do more and more work. And there are interesting gaps in his knowledge so I am just going to cover everything. And Daria has settled down and I am seeing more work from her than she has done all year. She really does know it. The little stinker. :)
Tonight at dinner Daria told me about this girl in her class that had been hitting her. Apparently she and Alex have talked about it before. As I sat and let them talk about it while I was quiet so as to learn more, and it appeared there was no reason for the hitting. Alex was very through on questioning his sister on that point. He literally left no stone unturned. Daria said the teacher put the other child in time out but it is clear it had been a regular kid-to-kid interaction.
I was right to pull both children from public school. Alex is our canary in the coal mine if you will. One of his doctors likened him to litmus paper - a definite test of acidity in his environment. Any problems and he immediately shows that there is a problem. It is like someone laying on a loud car horn - you will notice there is a problem. Alex simply will not tolerate abuse. While I may not appreciate his new way of dealing with the fear, stress, anxiety, or whatever, I do understand he is simply making sure he is safe. Alex is the example of zero tolerance for abuse.
Daria hides it more. It is like her revelation of being hurt in the orphanage - on TV and not before. Daria will only tell once it is done and over. When she is safe again. But it still hurt her heart. I didn't know kids were hitting her too.
This stuff is happening to my children who are eight and nine. I remember being eight. I loved wearing a particular pretty red dress and climbing trees. My Mom made one of those "Barbies in a Cake Dress" that were so new at the time. At nine, I loved reading and riding my bike. I remember working hard on handwriting that year. I do not remember being hit by other children. If I had been hit, I would have remembered.
I have been worrying about my kids having all the normal stuff and normal life and I didn't see that they were having issues.
Something is wrong. My kids are not safe and that is not normal. It is not okay.
So, for now, the kids will be home schooled. I HATE this option but I need to keep them safe and get them up to grade level. The final irony of the situation is that Alex is in outside classes to bolster the home schooling effort and he is perfectly fine in a normal classroom setting with normal kids. I wonder, how long has he been perfectly fine?
If you had asked me and his long term treating doctors, we would all say a really, really long time. If you asked adoption specialists they would have said probably close to three years. Even the most out-of-control kids settle down after about a year if you can get the right supports in place fast enough. Speed and sufficiency is essential. I did that.
I do not know how we go on from here. I am having to rethink family life while in the middle of dealing with serious life issues. I do know that time is short, my kids are growing a mile a minute. I also know that being a cleft child in my house is something to celebrate. My children see it as normal life and no longer refuse to look into mirrors or at pictures of themselves. Alex no longer tries to smile in such a way so as to hide it. It has been hard work to turn that corner but it is totally worth it. It is like I tell everyone, I am the lucky one, I have the most amazing and wonderful children. I have been blessed with these children. My miracles that were once in Russia.
And we are back to kind of a regular schedule complete with eating dinner at home together. Apparently that is really important to the kids. I never knew but I am glad I am doing it for them. Tonight, after a pile of veggies and other good stuff, dessert was ice cream. After dishing it up the bowl of ice cream looked like a smiling cleft face so I added crackers for eyes and Alex was charmed. In our house being a cleft child is a good and happy thing. Both of my kids were positive about being cleft - it is just normal life.
On the home schooling front, things are going well. I cannot understand how Alex was allowed to fall so far behind academically because he pushes every day to do more and more work. And there are interesting gaps in his knowledge so I am just going to cover everything. And Daria has settled down and I am seeing more work from her than she has done all year. She really does know it. The little stinker. :)
Tonight at dinner Daria told me about this girl in her class that had been hitting her. Apparently she and Alex have talked about it before. As I sat and let them talk about it while I was quiet so as to learn more, and it appeared there was no reason for the hitting. Alex was very through on questioning his sister on that point. He literally left no stone unturned. Daria said the teacher put the other child in time out but it is clear it had been a regular kid-to-kid interaction.
I was right to pull both children from public school. Alex is our canary in the coal mine if you will. One of his doctors likened him to litmus paper - a definite test of acidity in his environment. Any problems and he immediately shows that there is a problem. It is like someone laying on a loud car horn - you will notice there is a problem. Alex simply will not tolerate abuse. While I may not appreciate his new way of dealing with the fear, stress, anxiety, or whatever, I do understand he is simply making sure he is safe. Alex is the example of zero tolerance for abuse.
Daria hides it more. It is like her revelation of being hurt in the orphanage - on TV and not before. Daria will only tell once it is done and over. When she is safe again. But it still hurt her heart. I didn't know kids were hitting her too.
This stuff is happening to my children who are eight and nine. I remember being eight. I loved wearing a particular pretty red dress and climbing trees. My Mom made one of those "Barbies in a Cake Dress" that were so new at the time. At nine, I loved reading and riding my bike. I remember working hard on handwriting that year. I do not remember being hit by other children. If I had been hit, I would have remembered.
I have been worrying about my kids having all the normal stuff and normal life and I didn't see that they were having issues.
Something is wrong. My kids are not safe and that is not normal. It is not okay.
So, for now, the kids will be home schooled. I HATE this option but I need to keep them safe and get them up to grade level. The final irony of the situation is that Alex is in outside classes to bolster the home schooling effort and he is perfectly fine in a normal classroom setting with normal kids. I wonder, how long has he been perfectly fine?
If you had asked me and his long term treating doctors, we would all say a really, really long time. If you asked adoption specialists they would have said probably close to three years. Even the most out-of-control kids settle down after about a year if you can get the right supports in place fast enough. Speed and sufficiency is essential. I did that.
I do not know how we go on from here. I am having to rethink family life while in the middle of dealing with serious life issues. I do know that time is short, my kids are growing a mile a minute. I also know that being a cleft child in my house is something to celebrate. My children see it as normal life and no longer refuse to look into mirrors or at pictures of themselves. Alex no longer tries to smile in such a way so as to hide it. It has been hard work to turn that corner but it is totally worth it. It is like I tell everyone, I am the lucky one, I have the most amazing and wonderful children. I have been blessed with these children. My miracles that were once in Russia.
Friday, January 11, 2013
A little bump in the road
My mom fell and then became seriously ill last week. She developed an infection in the blood and her organs started shutting down. Alex also started having PTSD flashbacks and had to be rushed into emergency twice during this last week because with her not in the house he felt unsafe. He was afraid he would have to go back to school because normally I do not work from home.
The second time he flashed we were getting off a train by a mall and he ran in and out of traffic until two teenagers chased him down and I could run up and pin him down. It took mall security and police officers over forty minutes to respond. The police were worried about his bare feet because I stripped the shoes and socks off before I pinned him to the ground. Rookies. Even Alex runs slower in bare feet on a cold wet night. I have got to stop visiting suburbia. :)
Anyway, Alex's trips to the ER (the first while my Mom initially went into ER) have allowed me the opportunity to spend a lot of time with her. And then there are the standing children doctor appointments in the attached children's hospital. Just yesterday the wonderful speech therapist wished me good luck on visiting Mom after the check-up. It all went fine.
I am starting to get seriously sick of hospital food though. Today I absolutely insisted on bringing food from home. The kids were healthily well fed and I got a break from the cafeteria. We will do that again tomorrow.
I am learning a lot about PTSD. I knew a lot before because my step-Dad was a vet and I stabilized Alex before but Alex is refining my understanding. In some respects dealing with the orphanage trauma was so much easier than what we deal with now. For Alex the "before time" was a category he could fit abuse into but now, with what has happened since he has been home, the monsters have leaked into our life. If it was a simple issue of "things like that happen there but not here" he would be farther along in healing.
I think that is an important thing for adoptive parents to understand. Kids heal better when there is a clear demarcation between the before time and now. And before all the caring parents jump in and over fix this, listen well - the child has to make the demarcation - and in their own time. The parent job is to endure - and love. And be willing to calmly talk about it all when the child is ready. I asked Daria so many times if she had been hurt and it was only when she was on TV that she told. My daughter is not yet sure about the difference between the before time and now. She is still currying favor and attempting to be what she thinks I expect. She is not ready to trust.
Alex, is far from this point. He tells all and insists on being able to trust. All of us, even his sister, keep Alex safe in his sense of the world. It is extremely important that he sees and knows what is happening to all of us. Alex also sees his grandmother as an extremely important protector. Even when she did not pick him up from school, she was at home, ready to make his day better. And she always made him safe. I am still the Mom that leaves him at school and works in the office. I am farther away in his sense of the world. I inadvertently allowed harm to happen to him before whereas my Mom just hugs him and keeps him safe at home. She is the one that yells at the drivers that do not treat him well.
I am still having to prove to Alex that I will keep him safe. I walk out of sight and leave him in the care of others who allow him to be hurt. In his eyes, I fail him. He does not see all that I try and do to correct my misplaced trust about his safety.
Parents with traumatized kids are very familiar with the child who has to be in the bathroom while you pee or has to literally hold onto your leg while you dig a hole in the garden. I had an eighteenth- month-old preadoptive placement that did that. Moving those rose bushes took a really long time. That is still Alex at some level. Hence the PTSD response this week.
We sat in my Mom's ICU room today for a couple of hours. I had been having people stay at my house while the kids slept so I could be with her (when we weren't already up there) but today it seemed best to let them see what has upset the applecart at home. The kids did great. No flashes from Alex but a lot empathy and pain when his grandmother had a few issues during care. Alex has had issues during medical stays too. Normal life.
This is just a bump in the road for Alex. For me, my mother was dying this week. I have been driven to my knees. I cannot stop crying. It looks like my mom will live but there is a long road ahead. I am thinking about changes.
While I was covering the things my Mom has normally been dealing with, I can see that Alex is fine in "home school" classes with other kids. I sit and watch, or wait in the hall outside his new "class" and I wonder - how long has Alex been perfectly fine and the school system kept labeling him a problem?
Time is so terribly short. Alex is now ten and he has barely retained first grade academic skills. His younger sister, has more advance academics skills - and she refuses to do school work! Alex does not. At ten I could have gone to college. Alex is smart, like me. He just didn't have the access to education that I had. I worry for him academically. But he is still trying to learn so we haven't lost the war yet. Tomorrow I will begin again.
The second time he flashed we were getting off a train by a mall and he ran in and out of traffic until two teenagers chased him down and I could run up and pin him down. It took mall security and police officers over forty minutes to respond. The police were worried about his bare feet because I stripped the shoes and socks off before I pinned him to the ground. Rookies. Even Alex runs slower in bare feet on a cold wet night. I have got to stop visiting suburbia. :)
Anyway, Alex's trips to the ER (the first while my Mom initially went into ER) have allowed me the opportunity to spend a lot of time with her. And then there are the standing children doctor appointments in the attached children's hospital. Just yesterday the wonderful speech therapist wished me good luck on visiting Mom after the check-up. It all went fine.
I am starting to get seriously sick of hospital food though. Today I absolutely insisted on bringing food from home. The kids were healthily well fed and I got a break from the cafeteria. We will do that again tomorrow.
I am learning a lot about PTSD. I knew a lot before because my step-Dad was a vet and I stabilized Alex before but Alex is refining my understanding. In some respects dealing with the orphanage trauma was so much easier than what we deal with now. For Alex the "before time" was a category he could fit abuse into but now, with what has happened since he has been home, the monsters have leaked into our life. If it was a simple issue of "things like that happen there but not here" he would be farther along in healing.
I think that is an important thing for adoptive parents to understand. Kids heal better when there is a clear demarcation between the before time and now. And before all the caring parents jump in and over fix this, listen well - the child has to make the demarcation - and in their own time. The parent job is to endure - and love. And be willing to calmly talk about it all when the child is ready. I asked Daria so many times if she had been hurt and it was only when she was on TV that she told. My daughter is not yet sure about the difference between the before time and now. She is still currying favor and attempting to be what she thinks I expect. She is not ready to trust.
Alex, is far from this point. He tells all and insists on being able to trust. All of us, even his sister, keep Alex safe in his sense of the world. It is extremely important that he sees and knows what is happening to all of us. Alex also sees his grandmother as an extremely important protector. Even when she did not pick him up from school, she was at home, ready to make his day better. And she always made him safe. I am still the Mom that leaves him at school and works in the office. I am farther away in his sense of the world. I inadvertently allowed harm to happen to him before whereas my Mom just hugs him and keeps him safe at home. She is the one that yells at the drivers that do not treat him well.
I am still having to prove to Alex that I will keep him safe. I walk out of sight and leave him in the care of others who allow him to be hurt. In his eyes, I fail him. He does not see all that I try and do to correct my misplaced trust about his safety.
Parents with traumatized kids are very familiar with the child who has to be in the bathroom while you pee or has to literally hold onto your leg while you dig a hole in the garden. I had an eighteenth- month-old preadoptive placement that did that. Moving those rose bushes took a really long time. That is still Alex at some level. Hence the PTSD response this week.
We sat in my Mom's ICU room today for a couple of hours. I had been having people stay at my house while the kids slept so I could be with her (when we weren't already up there) but today it seemed best to let them see what has upset the applecart at home. The kids did great. No flashes from Alex but a lot empathy and pain when his grandmother had a few issues during care. Alex has had issues during medical stays too. Normal life.
This is just a bump in the road for Alex. For me, my mother was dying this week. I have been driven to my knees. I cannot stop crying. It looks like my mom will live but there is a long road ahead. I am thinking about changes.
While I was covering the things my Mom has normally been dealing with, I can see that Alex is fine in "home school" classes with other kids. I sit and watch, or wait in the hall outside his new "class" and I wonder - how long has Alex been perfectly fine and the school system kept labeling him a problem?
Time is so terribly short. Alex is now ten and he has barely retained first grade academic skills. His younger sister, has more advance academics skills - and she refuses to do school work! Alex does not. At ten I could have gone to college. Alex is smart, like me. He just didn't have the access to education that I had. I worry for him academically. But he is still trying to learn so we haven't lost the war yet. Tomorrow I will begin again.
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