And so there it is - I wait.

I loved the training but I missed my dogs. They are such good babies. And tonight has been wonderful, they were so happy to see me and they have been being extra well-behaved. Of course I missed them so much that even if they had chewed holes in the walls I would have been happy to get their kisses. I love being home and basking in all the love abounds in its walls.

Of course I met a lot of wonderful people at the training but nothing compares to being home. And Seattle made me kind of homesick for Russia. I hadn't really expected that. The hotel I stayed at was the same type of Marriott I stayed in while in Moscow and the decor was almost entirely exact since the hotel put me in a newly renovated room. So when I stepped into the room my heart thought for a second I was back in Russia. Every time. Every single time. I guess the heart just wants what it wants. Anyway ...

Seattle is a city built on a sound much like Vladivostok so there were moments when it was like I would see a sort of echo in the way an alley would angle or how steep the street would suddenly climb away from the bay. Ironically both are located on sounds that are on the Pacific Ocean side of their countries, though in the case of Vladivostok one has to skip onto the Sea of Japan so as to hop over Japan itself before landing in the pond called the Pacific Ocean. :)

That being said I would like to be headed back to Russia soon (but not in the insane speed sense of two weeks since it really messes with good airline prices) so as to go to court and petition for the little one. From the beginning I have always been okay with this process because I know the people want to make sure, make doubly sure, that the families the children go to are the right families. I would not have it any other way. At the same time my heart hurts for my little one as he waits. He was ready to go home with his mother (me - in his mind) in March and I think that each day after that last meeting is hard for him. I wanted to introduce the little one by way of our the first meeting but the last part of the last day fits best at this time so please bear with me.

Of course I knew from the beginning I would accept him no matter the particulars. On the second day I asked Lana to work with me to explain to the little one how I was going to ask to adopt him but after our visit the following day I would have to leave for awhile after before I would be able to come back and take him to his new home. I wanted to give him the ability to know what was going on and if, when I came back tomorrow and he was mad, I wanted to give him that opportunity to tell me how he was not happy about it all. Or any part thereof. One of the things is that seems to happen to adopted children is they are not given enough "off ramps" for their emotions about thier situation so I totally wanted him to have that to the extent possible. Frankly I would have taken more time on the first trip to do that but the process does not bend to that change of pace.

He was so stoic. Such joy and then a punch to the gut. He was so hurt while being so stoic. You could see it in his face. As much I never want to hurt him, I wanted him to know how it would go so that he could have some sense of understanding and control over his situation. And if he wanted to say no he had a chance. A small possibility but I wanted to give him that opportunity because this is a life choice for both of us. After a small pause he indicated it would be okay if I adopted him.

On the last day, we got there early. The assistant director took me to her office and we chatted becasue the little one's group was still down for a nap. The teenage boy who had asked another adoptive family to adopt him (and they agreed!!) joined us and just stood there and glowed. The familythat is adopting that young man are seriously blessed. He is such a wonderful child and he was so happy to be adopted. The assistant director's happiness at my understanding Russian was so uplifting and soothing to my frazzled nerves at being in a country where I sometimes understand the language perfectly fine and at other times I get totally scrambled because I cannot understand my food choices you cannot image. :) She is such a dear, dear woman.

Anyway, someone came into the office and told us the little one was awake and had been asking if his mother was there yet! Wow! Lana and I had been very clear to tell the little one he did not have to call me mother or consider me such. There is no way I am in this for that surface ego stroke, rather I am here to get the little home for family and love. Titles are ultimately meaningless but of course love abounds.

To make a long story short, in his mind - and my heart - I am his mother. I am just there because I love him but it was never my intent that I absolutely be his mother. Of course he has a large part of my heart and the current main focus of my life is to nuture and love him. If he is okay with thinking about me as his life mother I am just more happy. Ultimately I am just happy to be able to be there for him. On to the story.

Throughout the final visit he pulled everything out of my bag and held as if it was the last time he would ever see it. Even though I told him (in Russian with the new taranslator confirming) I would be back, he did not believe at the gut level. It is hard to dissuade children from that level of response. The Cheburashka doll I had brought he just kept squezzing and playing (a first day story!) because it was clear it would dissappear with me.

Of course the toy did not disappear with me but that entire last day for him was an emotional tug-of-war about having a mother and then her leaving. In his mind the mother left despite having caught me close and telling me she loved me in Russian. And there were gifts that touched my (little one's) heart and soothed my (the little one's) need to have someone try to provide that soothing. Now she is gone. How awful. Even more awful is the wait.

So that is what I live with. I am grateful to be back home after doing something to distract me from worrying about my little one waiting. And to my little one any thing less than me showing up with a ride to take him home is not acceptable. Everyday I wait to hear that I can finalize the approach take the little one home.

Personally, my Mom has always been there to soothe even a momentary bump in the road of my life. I still wait to be there for my little one so as to soothe the bumps in his road of life as he needs them to be for balance.

Maybe it is harder adopt an older child but I would say the markers on the path are so much clearer. I do not have to guess so much. He indicates so much clearer his emotional and ego nurtureing needs so that I am less likely to miss them. I see the pain and if I miss others fill in the blanks. Even the other children. Children are not blank slates there to be reinvented, rather they look to us to just be who they are.

So there it is - I wait.