Nine More Documents Needed!!!

Argh!! Getting a travel date this month is pretty much out. And not my fault. Now I am starting to get a bit sad. I so just want to put my arms around the little one and let him know someone loves him. For those who know me personally I am pretty sure I told you this is the hardest part - him knowing that I am out there, somewhere, and then waiting for me to come back. And I know he knows. Every day he wakes up hoping. Every door that opens might be me. Maybe. When he saw me for the first time it was exactly like that - they suddenly opened a door and then told him I was there. Even though children at his age still believe in magic, they still seek order and reason to their world, hence by that kind of formula it may be he thinks I will just one day pop back up in his life. Adopting a older child who understands what is going on is so much harder.

As his mom I hope with all my heart he is not living life that way - in day-to-day anticipation. Knowing him it is probably exactly like that. As that last day showed me, when he knows that something he wants will happen (like a last visit with me) he will do all he can to maximize and control that moment. I love him so much more because he did not attempt to impress me or exhibit fawning behavoir. Rather he tried to soak up every nuance so that he would remember some of them. Some I know he stored away for later so that he could think about them and puzzle it all out. That self-soothing behavior our children learn in institutionalized care makes them champions at latching onto the emotional rafts they need for survival. So I miss him and keep the faith. And he and I will deal with it all at the back end.

I guess I will hit the gym before work tomorrow for an extra distracting class. I ask everyone to please, please pray for us. I know it will be what it will be but it is so hard to wait quietly, in faith. I had so wanted to get the little one home for his birthday (which is next month) but time now grows short. If not for his birthday maybe for Christmas. Caring about his birthday seems so trite in amongst everything but there you have it - I wanted him home for his birthday.

I keep you all in my prayers and I ask you all to take care. Have a wonderful rest of the week, Sarah :)