A Sobering Thought ...

Many people have asked me - how many children are adopted out of Russia? I just found the total for 2008, the year Sasha came home and it is 1865 children. 1865 children made it to their forever families. That is everyone that found a home outside of Russia. That is an amazing number. It is a scary number. I know specifically of at least 10 of those children (besides Sasha) and the wonderful parents and lives they now have. That leaves 1854 that were incredibly blessed. And then I remember those left behind. And I am certain we do not do enough.

These children need homes. As difficult as this kind of choice may be, people still need to step up to the plate and "hit that ball." I will agree it is difficult. But it needs to be done.

Sasha is proof that it is worth it. He has blossomed so much in the short time he has been home. That is not to say the emotional and mental baggage he carries is not difficult at times. Recently we did a stint in emergency surgery that I suspect is tied to depression and suicidal issues. But we got through it. And we continue to get through it everyday. The most amazing thing is that there are people out there that can and will help.

That is the trick - to simply get through it. It is so worth it. I would not trade this joy for anything.

And I think of the children I saw left behind and the 1865 number terrifies me. There are over a million children in Russia alone in orphanages of which at least 60,000 are available for adoption to us in America (and other countries) today. That is a number that creates a somber moment. Even in the midst of my working to save Sasha my gaze turns back, over my shoulder, and hears the pleas of those left behind. I continue to remember the second day of the first visit when many of the older boys lined the wall facing the van and faces they made. They will haunt me until the day I die.

Because I did not adopt a baby and my son was in a remote area, when I went to the orphanage I heard the other children as they called out to "please take me too." Of course I could not. I was there to save Sasha. But I wish someone else would go with me and save these children.

I fear what the number for 2009 will be given the economy. May God watch over the babies.


And yeah, we do much better. Sasha is getting a lot of good help these days. Just last night a lot of the mental poison seemed to come forth in a sort of jumbled mass. Coming forth good, jumbled not so easy to work with. Yet it all helps to make it better.

Knowing he was sent out into the night where he thinks monsters still live gives me the understanding to show him how he is never sent out into the night here (and maybe he can stop bending the blinds looking for them!!). Just last night he told me how he was put out in the rain without cover (by the older kids). Now his obsession with umbrellas make sense!! My mom is so sweet, she now wants to buy him the next umbrella they see at the store. We live in the Pacific Northwest which is technically a rain forest so stores have umbrellas for sale at the entrance. Sasha could acquire a lot of "bumper shoots" soon.

Anyway, back to the original thought - 1865 is not an acceptable number. My Sasha is proof of that

I bought a new camera and haven't figured it out yet ...

There are new pics I want to share but I have not found the cable to connect the new camera to the computer so that I can download the new pics! Silly reason not to share, but there you go. Lots of silly things happen in life.

So we are trying new meds. Who knew a kid could be so severely depressed and suicidal at 6 but it can happen I learn things everyday. It is so hard to keep him safe. Just today he hatched a plan to hide so that he could run out into the street. I saw him, screamed and he literally hugged the shadows so as to run back into the backyard, go through the back doors and yell "why was Mama screaming?!?" The little bugger. I was in a seriously grumpy mood about the whole incident for awhile.

We have the best people helping us. New meds are being put in place and it looks better. The school psychologist from his old school could not believe the difference in him since she saw him last. Sasha is now in a special school that deals with other children who are suffering from things such as post traumatic stress disorder. While I want to set down in the kindergarten school room, cuddle all the babies and cry (who knew there were so many!!!), I am grateful Sasha is with people who know how to deal with the damage.

The best part of today is that we got lots of outdoor toys because the next couple of days are going to be pretty warm so I know how my seriously active son would love hours outside. Now he has ooddles of fun. The lady behind us in line at Target today was trying to tell Sasha how rare it is to see a child be given so much in today's economy - but of course Sasha paid her no attention. That is the attitude that got him home. It is what makes me smile everyday. It is with God's grace we continue. Thank you for all the prayers.

So what if you did not get there in time?

I may not have been in time for Sasha. That is a question I struggle with everyday. Time is such a relative question. Time and the question it poses for abused children remains dark. The question of "Am I in time?" is something I struggled through the entire adoption process. I was one of those adoptive parents that had my paperwork done within the first month. And then there were delays. And more paperwork requested. And more delays. Blah, blah, blah.

Sasha is now home and we are trying to unravel it all for him. Everyday, as the parameters of my life erode in an attempt to save him, I think how did it happen?

• Did anyone tell me this would happen if Sasha left Russia - no they did not.
• Did I do anything wrong - no I did not!
• Did family, friends or work do anything wrong - no they did not!
• Did Sasha do anything wrong - no he did not!

So every day I find nothing but hell. Sasha pretty much worsens by day. There is no real place to turn. Friends and family are done. Work keeps me on but I wonder how long. The American doctors are now turning down the mood modification drugs and starting at level one. So far so good - no seizures. Just really, really outrageous behavior.

At the end of the day I ask myself - did I get there in time? If you ask me I would say no - I did not get there in time to save the Sasha that once was. I am simply trying to save what is left.

I ask you - how hard is that? And yeah, sometimes I cry.