I got a call from the school today that Sasha had threatened staff and was running the halls. I called my mom to go get him since she lives two blocks away from the school. She then calls me and says he will not come to her and she has been chasing him up and down the halls and up and down the stairs. By this time I am on my way. I walk into the school and there is Sasha running down the stairs from the second floor, looking back and laughing. There is no teacher, no principal in sight. It is really funny to him at this point. He sees me, he gets that look like "I am not done with my fun yet - go away Mom" and runs back up the stairs.
So off I go. No school official helped. They hid in their offices. I called my mother on her cell and she manned the first floor while I took the second. A nice sixth grader ran out of his class to try and help but I shooed him back in. That school has five staircases. Finally, I caught him and started to walk him home. He then kicks off his shoes and starts swearing at me. Setting on a bench inside the door is another school official and she does nothing, she just watches. So I put the shoes back on and start to walk him home. I am so furious I decide to walk home (we live four blocks away) rather than wait for Mom to gather his coat and backpack so that she can drive us home. I need the cold air on my face.
We get home and away go the toys and books in his room that he uses as weapons when he is mad. I am tired of my Mom having dark bruises because he threw something hard at her. And away go his beloved SpongeBob dvds and the rest. My heart hurts so much at this point because all I have wanted to do is have him have a good life. But of course he is so damaged he cannot let it be possible.
So back to work I go because those people are what they are. I call Mom to check on things and he is screaming in the background. He is cursing and threatening all sorts of things. I thank god at this point she cannot understand him. So I ask her to come get me if she can (he usually quiets when he is in a vehicle). I get picked up from work and from the time I am in the car he is quiet. If I had not heard him on the phone I would not believe he had been being such a total monster.
We get home and I have him clean the floors. For the rest of the day. I refuse yell at this child any longer. I refuse to do anything that will make me be anything other than the mother I wanted to be to a child. So he cleans the floor. Tomorrow, he will scrub the toilets, clean the yard and flower beds. I will not be what he tries to push me to be. And I will try to not cry so much.
I so want everything to be a normal problem so I am happy when I think I see the more normal issues for an adoptive family. Yet, that is not what this family has been given. No matter how much love goes toward Sasha and surrounds him it does not matter. I am simply warehousing him. If I think anything else I am kidding myself. So I cry. And cry and cry. Then I try to live a life on the edges of this disaster.
I now sometimes think I should have shushed my need to nurture children and simply bought the Jag. Life would have been a lot simpler emotionally.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Every Day Sasha makes progress!!!
First - Thank you everyone!!! Knowing you all are there helps so much. I take your words, prayers and love and hold them close as I try and get through each day. Thank you. :) :) :)
On to Sasha stuff. Believe it or not I do try not to over share.
That being said, he had a good day yesterday. His day was so good that I brought home the game Operation in the guise of Sponge Bob which someone had given me at work. He loved it and it really helped cement what a good day looks like for him. Then, last night as I am tucking Sasha into bed,he is laying there snarling, grinding his teeth with his body rigid as a board. I asked him - what's up? It has been a good night and the music is playing. His dalmatian has just kissed him goodnight. And so he starts. He tells me about all the stuff his orphanage did not have and how mad he is about that. And then he talks about how bad the other kids were there and what he wants to do with them - like throw them away or shoot magic bolts at them to make them disappear. And he cries and he rants. I just soothe him and finally there is a break in the drama and I convince him to sleep. I think that most of his nightmares happen in the land just before sleep so I try to really watch that part of his night.
So anyway off he goes. Then this morning he is his usually happy (and very active) self. We go through the loop of what happens if he stays home and no school (no tv, not dvds, which means of course no Sponge Bob). He decides to go. Then during breakfast he sees one of our packages from Michael's on the table and asks to see what is in it. One of the objects was a cross-stitch project I bought after Christmas because he loved the cats in the picture. So we then negotiate that if he is good today in school, and maybe even tried sitting with the other children, I would start it at home tonight for him. And, as an added bonus, he could take the picture of the project in his backpack to school today so that when he was having a hard time he could pull it out and look at it and think about everything (that was quite a bit of discussion given my limited Russian let me tell you!!!).
AND it worked!!!!!
I went off to do that silly work thing so my Mom took him to class and then dithered. She is so protective of the little one it is hard for me to get her to let go. Anyway, she saw Sasha pull the picture out and look at it. And then he went back to the circle of children with the teacher. Of course I had to start that project as soon as I got home tonight but it was well worth it.
He is leaving his protective huddle and joining the other children. Those other children so want to be his friends. And he wants to be their friends too, he is just to scared to reach out which is a direct result of prior experience. So, me being Mom, found a safe place for him and then I do everything I can think of to get him to where he wants to be.
Of course we had some drama tonight but I expected that because I have found as we go forward in love, Sasha still needs to reach back in negativity to see if his new life is real or just another lie. Of course his life is real, it will just take time for him to know that it is real.
And so it goes. I want to thank everyone again for all the prayers and kind thoughts. I could not do this without you. And I keep you all close in my prayers too. We all have such wonderful children and our children all have such wonderful parents. Good night and God Bless, Sarah
On to Sasha stuff. Believe it or not I do try not to over share.
That being said, he had a good day yesterday. His day was so good that I brought home the game Operation in the guise of Sponge Bob which someone had given me at work. He loved it and it really helped cement what a good day looks like for him. Then, last night as I am tucking Sasha into bed,he is laying there snarling, grinding his teeth with his body rigid as a board. I asked him - what's up? It has been a good night and the music is playing. His dalmatian has just kissed him goodnight. And so he starts. He tells me about all the stuff his orphanage did not have and how mad he is about that. And then he talks about how bad the other kids were there and what he wants to do with them - like throw them away or shoot magic bolts at them to make them disappear. And he cries and he rants. I just soothe him and finally there is a break in the drama and I convince him to sleep. I think that most of his nightmares happen in the land just before sleep so I try to really watch that part of his night.
So anyway off he goes. Then this morning he is his usually happy (and very active) self. We go through the loop of what happens if he stays home and no school (no tv, not dvds, which means of course no Sponge Bob). He decides to go. Then during breakfast he sees one of our packages from Michael's on the table and asks to see what is in it. One of the objects was a cross-stitch project I bought after Christmas because he loved the cats in the picture. So we then negotiate that if he is good today in school, and maybe even tried sitting with the other children, I would start it at home tonight for him. And, as an added bonus, he could take the picture of the project in his backpack to school today so that when he was having a hard time he could pull it out and look at it and think about everything (that was quite a bit of discussion given my limited Russian let me tell you!!!).
AND it worked!!!!!
I went off to do that silly work thing so my Mom took him to class and then dithered. She is so protective of the little one it is hard for me to get her to let go. Anyway, she saw Sasha pull the picture out and look at it. And then he went back to the circle of children with the teacher. Of course I had to start that project as soon as I got home tonight but it was well worth it.
He is leaving his protective huddle and joining the other children. Those other children so want to be his friends. And he wants to be their friends too, he is just to scared to reach out which is a direct result of prior experience. So, me being Mom, found a safe place for him and then I do everything I can think of to get him to where he wants to be.
Of course we had some drama tonight but I expected that because I have found as we go forward in love, Sasha still needs to reach back in negativity to see if his new life is real or just another lie. Of course his life is real, it will just take time for him to know that it is real.
And so it goes. I want to thank everyone again for all the prayers and kind thoughts. I could not do this without you. And I keep you all close in my prayers too. We all have such wonderful children and our children all have such wonderful parents. Good night and God Bless, Sarah
Monday, January 26, 2009
We may be settling down just a bit ...
First - THANK YOU EVERYONE for the prayers and kind thoughts. It makes a difference for me. When the days are especially hard I look at the kind thoughts. This has been the hardest thing for me and I doubly appreciate everyone while I am being such a sad sack about it all. Now onto the important stuff. :)
Don't get me wrong, we still have drama and trauma but things seem better for Sasha. I spent all of last week in his class and he has seriously relaxed. He still will have nothing to do with the other children but they plugged him into a computer program that is teaching him English and he is now much better around the other kids. He is no longer scared of the children in his class which I find to be a godsend. And his hyper-awareness switch seems to be flipped "off." Much better. Of course he still does not respect anyone who does not speak Russian so there are still uphill opportunities in each day.
I just made Sasha a sandwich and he told me he feels safe. Of course, being the tough mom, I keep buttering the bread and say nothing. (In my heart I sing for joy (!!!)). And then he launches into the dances they do in P.E. class. He will not do them in school but the music really speaks to him so I think he is trying them out in his safe home.
So there are two things I have learned. The first is more general - As for that rocking thing most orphanage children do at bedtime - music seems to help. Often I have heard Sasha sing to himself at some point in the rocking process so I thought I would try and see if I could redirect that self-soothing behavior. Sure enough, it worked. Of course I got Sasha all involved in the process of buying a cd player and the lullaby cds. Simply put, I let Sasha have control of it so it became something of value to him. And then we play one cd when he goes to bed. It totally works. Gone are the hours and hours of drama around bedtime.
The second thing I have learned is that Sasha has been told he is stupid so he is afraid to try anything. The first time I heard him say stupid (in English!) I totally freaked out. When I talked to him I found out that is what the kids in Russia told him. Given his hard palate was closed so late (he is a cleft child), his speech is still pretty garbled which probably led to what I imagine to be pretty extreme teasing about not speaking clearly. Maybe all institutionalized children are told they are stupid but I hope not. I think hearing that word in his head has made the transition to school all the more difficult. One nice thing is that his English pronunciation is way clearer than his Russian pronouncation probably because he is learning English post-surgery.
One thing I wish though - I wish they had told me anything about his days. We are building new ways to go through the day but if I knew what he expected every morning when he woke up it would be way easier. For him and for me.
Don't get me wrong, we still have drama and trauma but things seem better for Sasha. I spent all of last week in his class and he has seriously relaxed. He still will have nothing to do with the other children but they plugged him into a computer program that is teaching him English and he is now much better around the other kids. He is no longer scared of the children in his class which I find to be a godsend. And his hyper-awareness switch seems to be flipped "off." Much better. Of course he still does not respect anyone who does not speak Russian so there are still uphill opportunities in each day.
I just made Sasha a sandwich and he told me he feels safe. Of course, being the tough mom, I keep buttering the bread and say nothing. (In my heart I sing for joy (!!!)). And then he launches into the dances they do in P.E. class. He will not do them in school but the music really speaks to him so I think he is trying them out in his safe home.
So there are two things I have learned. The first is more general - As for that rocking thing most orphanage children do at bedtime - music seems to help. Often I have heard Sasha sing to himself at some point in the rocking process so I thought I would try and see if I could redirect that self-soothing behavior. Sure enough, it worked. Of course I got Sasha all involved in the process of buying a cd player and the lullaby cds. Simply put, I let Sasha have control of it so it became something of value to him. And then we play one cd when he goes to bed. It totally works. Gone are the hours and hours of drama around bedtime.
The second thing I have learned is that Sasha has been told he is stupid so he is afraid to try anything. The first time I heard him say stupid (in English!) I totally freaked out. When I talked to him I found out that is what the kids in Russia told him. Given his hard palate was closed so late (he is a cleft child), his speech is still pretty garbled which probably led to what I imagine to be pretty extreme teasing about not speaking clearly. Maybe all institutionalized children are told they are stupid but I hope not. I think hearing that word in his head has made the transition to school all the more difficult. One nice thing is that his English pronunciation is way clearer than his Russian pronouncation probably because he is learning English post-surgery.
One thing I wish though - I wish they had told me anything about his days. We are building new ways to go through the day but if I knew what he expected every morning when he woke up it would be way easier. For him and for me.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Children's Hope International removed us from their Blog listing today
Apparently, I have not been good enough about omitting the failures of CHI from this blog so I have been removed from their listing "since [they] believe that [my] representation of Children’s Hope International is not a correct one." They were silent about what I "got wrong." If they tell me what I got wrong I will post it and respond. I am personally honest enough that if they point out silliness on my part I will post that too. I face too many demons for my son these days to create anymore for anyone else ever. No exceptions.
Of course CHI did not ask after Sasha. That is not their focus. They do not care about him and never did. They are only focused upon themselves and the kids are an afterthought - only sometimes.
CHI has known about the violence and self-destructive tendencies from the beginning but have done nothing to help or provide support. I thank god everyday that I found Sasha but it seems to be a special cross I must bear that it was through such an inadequate source which pinpoints my dilemma. Without these losers I would have never been able to locate Sasha but man, do not think they have your backside. You are the first person they will target if anything goes amiss.
Ironically, I was given the direction today by CHI to contact Leslie Broome because she is a resource for us. Like I would contact that woman again after the repeated attempts to blame me for Sasha's damage. A day and half into having physical custody of Sasha in Russia I called her in desperation because he was so "out there." She told me I was the problem because I had provided him with "inconsistent parenting." After a day and half!!!!! I hadn't even had a chance to wake him up two days in a row. Hard to be inconsistent but hey that is the kind of support I got from the CHI. Sounds like a canned response from an agency that knows they facilitate damage. Ironically, CHI did not get better at providing support, only worse.
Whatever. On to the important stuff. I would like to clarify that not all children may come out of Russian orphanages this damaged. I have this child plugged into a lot of help and while some find this to be normal damage others offer that maybe he is at an extreme end of the bell curve (ALL THE MORE REASON FOR MY AGENCY TO BE THERE!!!). Sorry, sometimes the rants still slip out. In beginning people and doctors told me it was transition. I didn't buy it - no kid would go this far and I was right. Do not let people distract you.
But you know, letting Sasha know we know is an amazing thing. He is still too terrified to tell us the names or even most of particulars but having us there is helping him be better. I frankly would prefer not to know but he needs to be heard so listen I will - and try not to cry too much.
I was in his kindergarten class the other day and my heart broke when I saw Sasha throw himself to the ground and cower when a boy simply pointed at him in the circle when he was counting. Oh my god. I think he was only that reactive because I was there protecting him. As he tells us, all children are bad who will hurt him if they can. My task is now to find a child who will interact with him gently so that he knows he is safe with the other little ones. Not my idea - the doctors!
If I had my way I would waive a magic wand and make it all go away. Of course that is not possible so we cope. If you adopt a child from Russia (or another country) please find them a professional to work with them in their language. Even though I speak some Russian (with what I am now told is with a heavy accent), having medical professionals that speak his language help validate his new life for him. In the good ways and the bad. One of the specialists told me that it takes a child five years to be able to think in a new language. From my personal experience with Russian that may be an optimistic guess. For me, I was not willing to wait FIVE YEARS to figure out what my son had to say about everything in English. Do you want to wait???
I did not. So I talk with him in my heavily accented and broken Russian. I FOUND HIM SPECIALISTS AND INTERPRETERS to help. From my perspective, I found native Russians to be the most supportive in this situation both in country and out. They are the most wonderful and amazing people. I thank god there are so many Russian immigrants in my area so that I have hands I can reach out to and they hold on. Without them, some days would be even more hell than they are already are. And they give me the best "atta girls" for taking this life choice. So things go. Tomorrow I will see if we set a record for days in school before suspension. Pray for us, Sarah
Of course CHI did not ask after Sasha. That is not their focus. They do not care about him and never did. They are only focused upon themselves and the kids are an afterthought - only sometimes.
CHI has known about the violence and self-destructive tendencies from the beginning but have done nothing to help or provide support. I thank god everyday that I found Sasha but it seems to be a special cross I must bear that it was through such an inadequate source which pinpoints my dilemma. Without these losers I would have never been able to locate Sasha but man, do not think they have your backside. You are the first person they will target if anything goes amiss.
Ironically, I was given the direction today by CHI to contact Leslie Broome because she is a resource for us. Like I would contact that woman again after the repeated attempts to blame me for Sasha's damage. A day and half into having physical custody of Sasha in Russia I called her in desperation because he was so "out there." She told me I was the problem because I had provided him with "inconsistent parenting." After a day and half!!!!! I hadn't even had a chance to wake him up two days in a row. Hard to be inconsistent but hey that is the kind of support I got from the CHI. Sounds like a canned response from an agency that knows they facilitate damage. Ironically, CHI did not get better at providing support, only worse.
Whatever. On to the important stuff. I would like to clarify that not all children may come out of Russian orphanages this damaged. I have this child plugged into a lot of help and while some find this to be normal damage others offer that maybe he is at an extreme end of the bell curve (ALL THE MORE REASON FOR MY AGENCY TO BE THERE!!!). Sorry, sometimes the rants still slip out. In beginning people and doctors told me it was transition. I didn't buy it - no kid would go this far and I was right. Do not let people distract you.
But you know, letting Sasha know we know is an amazing thing. He is still too terrified to tell us the names or even most of particulars but having us there is helping him be better. I frankly would prefer not to know but he needs to be heard so listen I will - and try not to cry too much.
I was in his kindergarten class the other day and my heart broke when I saw Sasha throw himself to the ground and cower when a boy simply pointed at him in the circle when he was counting. Oh my god. I think he was only that reactive because I was there protecting him. As he tells us, all children are bad who will hurt him if they can. My task is now to find a child who will interact with him gently so that he knows he is safe with the other little ones. Not my idea - the doctors!
If I had my way I would waive a magic wand and make it all go away. Of course that is not possible so we cope. If you adopt a child from Russia (or another country) please find them a professional to work with them in their language. Even though I speak some Russian (with what I am now told is with a heavy accent), having medical professionals that speak his language help validate his new life for him. In the good ways and the bad. One of the specialists told me that it takes a child five years to be able to think in a new language. From my personal experience with Russian that may be an optimistic guess. For me, I was not willing to wait FIVE YEARS to figure out what my son had to say about everything in English. Do you want to wait???
I did not. So I talk with him in my heavily accented and broken Russian. I FOUND HIM SPECIALISTS AND INTERPRETERS to help. From my perspective, I found native Russians to be the most supportive in this situation both in country and out. They are the most wonderful and amazing people. I thank god there are so many Russian immigrants in my area so that I have hands I can reach out to and they hold on. Without them, some days would be even more hell than they are already are. And they give me the best "atta girls" for taking this life choice. So things go. Tomorrow I will see if we set a record for days in school before suspension. Pray for us, Sarah
Friday, January 9, 2009
So Thursday didn't go so well
Sasha was suspended from school again today. This time I am not so sympathetic. He started almost as soon as we left him at school. Everyone at school is trying hard to be there for this child but I sometimes think that only makes it worse.
Anyway, I had talked to Sasha about things Wednesday night and again on Thursday before he went to school. I asked if he was having problems. No. We then went over the fact that if he misbehaved again he would lose privileges and his beloved dvds. Things were fine. He agreed to go to school and then when at school was amazingly disruptive. He openly threatened children with a toy used as a weapon without provocation. One of the new twists on everything is the very, very, very loud high pitched screaming. He does not scream because he is hurt or scared, he does it because it scares everyone else. The little bugger.
So home he went. And that was his intention. He wants to stay home, watch dvds and play with his stuff. And hunt cats in the house. Once that was all taken away (we discussed that before he went back to school) then the real drama began. My poor Mom is taking the brunt of it right now because some days I have to go to work and today was one of those days. He starts as soon as he sees her. He acts just like he does at school and it happens with no provocation. I did come home today at lunch to deal with the screaming, the throwing of objects, hitting, spitting, swearing and attempting to hurt the animals. After dealing with Sasha's issues, I ate my lunch at home so that my Mom could have a break. And then he just stopped the acting out.
I thank everyone for their offering of therapists. I have written it all down and will probably contact one or all at some point. I did find an adoption therapist here who deals with traumatized children and she is pretty fantastic. I also continue to seek other specialists help because it is only way I know to keep fighting for this little boy.
It is truly hard work and I wish someone had told me before I got in this deep. It is a serious commitment of your life to get to the other side of adoption (actually bringing them home). I love Sasha but it is really hard to go from day to day. Ironically, Sasha was a waiting list child with a laundry list of medical issues - all of which I have to keep deferring to a later date because he is so emotionally unstable. Those medial issues I was prepared for and had plans to accommodate. Once home, they were not the problems I have to deal with on a day-to-day basis.
Forget the simple check-up physical or medicating for possible parasites. Forget the treatment for exposure to TB. Forget even testing for the seizures that may or may not exist. And that does not even get at why he is considered to have medical needs.
I am not sure if it makes any difference to me at this point to write about it all because I am engaged in what seems to be a fight to the death to not let this adoption disrupt. That is a problem I knew we had just a few days after getting physical custody in Russia which is why I was so seriously disappointed at the myriad of ways in which my adoption agency failed - they failed again and again. I often say that despite them Sasha and I made it home.
And I have so many people in my daily life trying to help me and Sasha avoid disruption. And they are all such wonderful people. Consequently, I find little comfort in actually documenting it. At the same time, if one person is helped or comforted by all these words then it will have been worth it. I know that I have risked much of my life financially, professionally, personally, emotionally and spiritually to adopt this child. When a person sacrifices that much they should at least know of what it actually looks like when building of a family takes a downward turn. If you asked me today if I would still adopt Sasha I would say yes. The other day, if it were possible to undo everything I maybe would have asked for that opportunity.
And so it goes. Take care and God bless. - Sarah
Anyway, I had talked to Sasha about things Wednesday night and again on Thursday before he went to school. I asked if he was having problems. No. We then went over the fact that if he misbehaved again he would lose privileges and his beloved dvds. Things were fine. He agreed to go to school and then when at school was amazingly disruptive. He openly threatened children with a toy used as a weapon without provocation. One of the new twists on everything is the very, very, very loud high pitched screaming. He does not scream because he is hurt or scared, he does it because it scares everyone else. The little bugger.
So home he went. And that was his intention. He wants to stay home, watch dvds and play with his stuff. And hunt cats in the house. Once that was all taken away (we discussed that before he went back to school) then the real drama began. My poor Mom is taking the brunt of it right now because some days I have to go to work and today was one of those days. He starts as soon as he sees her. He acts just like he does at school and it happens with no provocation. I did come home today at lunch to deal with the screaming, the throwing of objects, hitting, spitting, swearing and attempting to hurt the animals. After dealing with Sasha's issues, I ate my lunch at home so that my Mom could have a break. And then he just stopped the acting out.
I thank everyone for their offering of therapists. I have written it all down and will probably contact one or all at some point. I did find an adoption therapist here who deals with traumatized children and she is pretty fantastic. I also continue to seek other specialists help because it is only way I know to keep fighting for this little boy.
It is truly hard work and I wish someone had told me before I got in this deep. It is a serious commitment of your life to get to the other side of adoption (actually bringing them home). I love Sasha but it is really hard to go from day to day. Ironically, Sasha was a waiting list child with a laundry list of medical issues - all of which I have to keep deferring to a later date because he is so emotionally unstable. Those medial issues I was prepared for and had plans to accommodate. Once home, they were not the problems I have to deal with on a day-to-day basis.
Forget the simple check-up physical or medicating for possible parasites. Forget the treatment for exposure to TB. Forget even testing for the seizures that may or may not exist. And that does not even get at why he is considered to have medical needs.
I am not sure if it makes any difference to me at this point to write about it all because I am engaged in what seems to be a fight to the death to not let this adoption disrupt. That is a problem I knew we had just a few days after getting physical custody in Russia which is why I was so seriously disappointed at the myriad of ways in which my adoption agency failed - they failed again and again. I often say that despite them Sasha and I made it home.
And I have so many people in my daily life trying to help me and Sasha avoid disruption. And they are all such wonderful people. Consequently, I find little comfort in actually documenting it. At the same time, if one person is helped or comforted by all these words then it will have been worth it. I know that I have risked much of my life financially, professionally, personally, emotionally and spiritually to adopt this child. When a person sacrifices that much they should at least know of what it actually looks like when building of a family takes a downward turn. If you asked me today if I would still adopt Sasha I would say yes. The other day, if it were possible to undo everything I maybe would have asked for that opportunity.
And so it goes. Take care and God bless. - Sarah
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
So Maybe School Could Have Gone Better Today
Sasha had a hard day today and was sent home early. Apparently he hit a classmate who was waiving their arms in a windmill fashion. Thank goodness they did not suspend him again for what may have been a purely "percieved" defensive action. For those of you who adopt these babies please, please, please get them into therapy. At least when they run screaming from the other children (or hit them) the school has specialists to talk to about how the kids are readjusting to our safe and happy sense of reality.
And if you are lucky enough to have your kids trust "you enough" (like that is not a loaded term :) ) then you will need resources to help when they tell you of the terrors inside them.
He is acquiring all the somewhat icky American childrn traits in addtion to lying, stealing, running away, spilling whatever he is drinking all over the dining room table (sometimes 3 times in 1 sitting) and playing the victim of the moment at the drop of a hat. Also his behavoir totally seems like testing to me. I suspect the principal of his school would like him gone but she cannot do that. So then I often get the call that "Sasha needs to come home" for the day. So today was one of those days.
And if you are lucky enough to have your kids trust "you enough" (like that is not a loaded term :) ) then you will need resources to help when they tell you of the terrors inside them.
He is acquiring all the somewhat icky American childrn traits in addtion to lying, stealing, running away, spilling whatever he is drinking all over the dining room table (sometimes 3 times in 1 sitting) and playing the victim of the moment at the drop of a hat. Also his behavoir totally seems like testing to me. I suspect the principal of his school would like him gone but she cannot do that. So then I often get the call that "Sasha needs to come home" for the day. So today was one of those days.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Back to the Important Stuff
Sasha is suffering from, at the very least PTSD. Not transition or "inconsistant parenting" issues. And the abuse is clearly evident. Even in Russia, after I went back to the orphanage to pick him up there were signs. My wee son had bruises under his arms of which I took photographs. Then we went to the latest doctor in Vlad I pointed them out to the doctor and the CHI rep and then I asked them to ask Sasha about the marks. He bowed his head even further and told us in a whisper the other children did it to him. My little boy is such a strong little boy. Both the CHI rep and the CHI paid doctor told that "the bruising would go away in a little while."
Of course it does not. Surface manifestations disappear but the paths they mark remain. My little one was severely harmed in the system. And not just in a purely sane way. My son is damaged in ways no child should be damaged. All lights in the house must be turned on, no exections. He screams at the sight of his kindergarten class coming to meet him. All of his screams, in pubic or at home, strike absolute terror in my heart. And he is totally obsessed with cats to the extent he even mimics them. He confines, traps and/or constrains them while "meowing" to them. He also often sits down, on the floor and precedes to use his "back leg" to clean himself. Oh my god.
But it would probably all be okay but for the myriad of changes of personality I see. The specialists have told me to watch for the possibility of multiple personalities but it is totally creepy to see.
So, that is how it goes. Because I speak Russian I spent days working with Sasha about Father Frost for Christmas so that day was great but then the next two days were a living hell. So now we prepare for school. Please pray for us. Now that I have totally written off the adoption agency maybe I will post more often.
Last night was a session in hell to get Sasha to go to sleep. It lasted 3 1/2 hours with all the drama one could expect from such a tramatized child. And then tonight it took ten minutes. Of course tonight had embedded in it the rescue of a dog from the local humane society. While that is a story for another day, the Mimis in the world do good. Thank you to all our mothers. I could not do it without you.
Of course it does not. Surface manifestations disappear but the paths they mark remain. My little one was severely harmed in the system. And not just in a purely sane way. My son is damaged in ways no child should be damaged. All lights in the house must be turned on, no exections. He screams at the sight of his kindergarten class coming to meet him. All of his screams, in pubic or at home, strike absolute terror in my heart. And he is totally obsessed with cats to the extent he even mimics them. He confines, traps and/or constrains them while "meowing" to them. He also often sits down, on the floor and precedes to use his "back leg" to clean himself. Oh my god.
But it would probably all be okay but for the myriad of changes of personality I see. The specialists have told me to watch for the possibility of multiple personalities but it is totally creepy to see.
So, that is how it goes. Because I speak Russian I spent days working with Sasha about Father Frost for Christmas so that day was great but then the next two days were a living hell. So now we prepare for school. Please pray for us. Now that I have totally written off the adoption agency maybe I will post more often.
Last night was a session in hell to get Sasha to go to sleep. It lasted 3 1/2 hours with all the drama one could expect from such a tramatized child. And then tonight it took ten minutes. Of course tonight had embedded in it the rescue of a dog from the local humane society. While that is a story for another day, the Mimis in the world do good. Thank you to all our mothers. I could not do it without you.
As to Why I Have Not Been Posting
So I have mostly not been posting on this blog because of my adoption agency. They were not happy about my posts. Of course if an agency is going to accuse an adoptive parant of "inconsistant" parenting a two days into physical custody so as to explain away the very real problems of a child then I guess CHI needs to leave.
My adoption agency was horrible, absolutely horrible, about helping with this severely traumatized child. At every turn I was shooed away, blamed or simply abandoned. If you follow this blog for education of foreign adoption then please bookmark it now if you link through the CHI site. They have been aweful about everything, even my right to talk. And they do not do their job!!!
My adoption agency was horrible, absolutely horrible, about helping with this severely traumatized child. At every turn I was shooed away, blamed or simply abandoned. If you follow this blog for education of foreign adoption then please bookmark it now if you link through the CHI site. They have been aweful about everything, even my right to talk. And they do not do their job!!!
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