Things were better and then they were not

So much good work is going on at the place Alex is at now.  It is an amazing place with amazing staff.  Sweetheart attends a normal school and is excelling at school work. So many happy indications that we were all moving forward in resolving this rift in family life. 

And then, it went sideways.  If my heart could break anymore, I think this would definitely finish the job.  The particulars do not really matter from a certain perspective.  The reality is that what happened changes the game.  It changes the fight and requires the family to adjust. 

I remain grateful to the staff where Alex is now - they work so hard at helping these children.  They are also kind towards me and they do their best to shield me from some of the worst of it. 

Life is what it is - and it continues as it is meant to be.  It doesn't mean it hurts any less. 

Dare to Love Your Child No Matter What

There are so many people in my daily life that affirm and support me as I be this Warrior Mom I am able to do what I must do.  I love my child no matter what.  I joyfully dare to do so.  My best current supports are my mother and daughter who continue to infuse each of my days with such hope and love.  And joy.  So much joy.  And I thank God for that family joy every day.

It is the unsung heroes that support me fully as I maintain the Warrior Mom stance that help me survive this challenging time.  It takes a village to raise a child.  That is a correct perspective.

Without the unsung heroes in my life, and there are many, I could not continue what I do - every day.  These unsung heroes some times just give a hug or maybe help me deal with a daily issue that threatens to make me sit down and cry.  Sometimes they just let me talk about things - things they would never care about but I need to verbally process so that I can move past it.  Sometimes these unsung heroes allow me to simply do my job and still trust I will do what needs to be done.  Sometimes these unsung heroes still offer to be my friend even though they know I struggle with difficult issues.  I am humbled by the people I know.

I know a lot of heroes.  And I am grateful that I do.  They support me as I continue to defy strangers' counsel to walk away and no longer care. 

What I am learning is that one must listen to your heart.  If you refuse to hear the calls to quit the field and stand firm on getting your child help, it will happen.  During this process people, doctors and possibly agencies will start to say less than okay things about you.  Do not abandon your child when you are attacked.  Do not let the doctors talk you into releasing custody of your child.  Help will come. 

Have faith.

Be a Warrior Mom.

Navigating public opinion will be difficult.  DO NOT give into the easy out.  Continue to stand for you child.  Refuse to let your child go.  Fight, fight, fight.  Get your child what they need to survive and thrive.

If something knocks you down, get up, dust yourself off and get back into it.  Your child knows you are doing it even when it doesn't seem like it.

Ignore the people looking from the outside.  Ignore the people that tell you to give up and walk away or that you have "done enough."

Thriving - that is what we all want for our kids.  When people ask me why I keep fighting for my son, I tell them, "so that he can live and thrive." 

My son lives.  And he is getting help.  Ironically, he sleeps tonight based upon advice I gave the nurses.  He heard that I gave it and he uses it to go to sleep at night.  It wasn't our normal home life pattern but because I suggested it, he heard I suggested it, and then he used it to go to sleep.

Aw - sleep for a traumatized child is often hard.  I know Alex has struggled with it for years.  My poor sweetie.  When he was younger I used to hold him until he dropped off.  That is no longer an option.

On the home front.  His sister worries about returning to a non-home school situation because she does not want to be hurt like her brother was when he was at school.    I don't know what to do about that. 

Be a Warrior Mom

Once there was a little bunny who wanted to run away. So he said to his mother, "I am running away."

"If you run away," said his mother, "I will run after you. For you are my little bunny."

from The Runaway Bunny by Margaret Wise Brown.

 

 

Be there for your child.  And get them help.  Where Alex is appears to be a great place.  They do what I have been taught to do for years with a trauma child.  They listen to what I say will happen and then when it does, they validate that I told it would happen.  It appears we are all on the same page about Alex.  Thank god. 

 

Staff told me that Alex was desperately missing me today and even calmed down for them so that he could call me. 

 

Finally, finally, finally - contact with me became a reward on Alex's terms.  The young one still was harsh but he kept telling me he loved me - which I told him back of course.  He had a list of stuff he wants from home.  He then hung up before I could ask staff if it was allowed. 

 

That is the trauma child - desperately needing loving reassurance, followed up with requests for stuff and then exercises in control towards the loving parent.  It takes strength to love the traumatized child.

 

I remember that on the trip down he asked me, "why are you always there for me and keep doing things for me?"  That was a question from his heart.  He needed to know why I was still there with him.  I answered, "because that is what Moms do; it is our job."  I am the Mother that runs after her little bunny because he is mine.  I will not stop.  Every bunny needs a Mother - especially Alex. 

 

I cried a lot yesterday but today I got back up on my feet.  I am a warrior Mom.  I will not stop.



Sucide Watch and Bullying

Alex tried to kill himself today at the new place.  And then the kids there started teasing him for being a cleft palate child.  I am working with the staff about how to best manage the situation. 

May God watch over my son.  If you pray, please pray for my son. 

I hate the public school system that did this to Alex.  There are several people in the public school structure that intentionally and continually placed Alex in harms way - knowingly.  Some of them even laughed at me like his last teacher Jenny.  They simply laughed about it all.  Alex now is on a suicide watch because people would not stop harm happening to him. 

May God help us all. 

Home from the Trip

 That was a long trip.  I picked up Alex from the hospital and rushed to the airport to get on the plane.  By the end of the trip the father of a teenage boy sitting next to me was sad for me.  He was such a sweetie and offered to carry my bags for me.  A nice guy.  Every hour I checked the med list I was given at the hospital and then every hour I would pull the pills out and give them to my sweetie.  And yet, Alex was still borderline explosive.  After we transferred to the second plane I didn't think we would make it.  But we did.

We went to the facility this morning and Alex did the new typical RAD thing and pushed me away.  He got mad at me when I told staff about some of his escalation patterns.  He told me to make sure I sent a care box in the mail for him but refused to sit with me during lunch.

The facility seems like a place where some real progress can be made.  Ironically, they are considering putting Alex back on meds similar to what he was on when I adopted him.  They will run tests of course but their position is very similar to that of the Russian doctors.  Doctors here at home have known for the last year that Alex suffers from an auditory processing delay, or a processing disorder, but have done nothing to address the issue.  Where Alex is now does address issues like that as they occur within the brain.  The public school system that allowed Alex to be so horrifically bullied, assaulted, and abused refused even to consider attempting to accommodate this issue. 

So, we will see.  I wonder if the Russian doctors had it right about Alex from the beginning.  How many years has he struggled because the doctors I brought him home to were not as good as the wonderful Russian doctor I met that took care of Alex during the adoption process. 

The place Alex is now at has the same philosophy about bed-time, fun-time activities, routines and school that I have which is such a deep relief.  What is done in the home is based upon extensive training, many hours of therapy input and experience with my kids and foster kids. 

I am hopeful. 

We fly in just a few hours

Gosh I am scared.  What a big step.  So not what any of us wanted.  I think even Alex did not want this.  He keeps searching for help but wants the doctors to validate he is safe here, but they have not.

The fact that is he safe at home and no one will help him see that makes this all so much more heartbreaking.   

Yesterday, staff at Alex's hospital put him on the phone with me after he had been seriously irritated by other kids on the floor.  He was hostile and abusive towards me.   I finally ended the call calmly but I was shaken and scared.  Really scared.  I had not heard my son sound like that - ever.  It was only later staff told me there were serious problems on the unit and they had all the kids isolated in their rooms.  The problems had caused serious anxieties with Alex to escalate which then made him blow up at me.  It was not an Alex issue or a Mom issue but those staff allowed me to be abused and to be scared and didn't even bother to tell me it was their lack of ability to control the floor.   

My son is now on so much medication, which is so not appropriate, it scares even me.  Everyone, the nurses and doctors, know it is not helping but they keep pumping it into him.  My poor sweetie.

If parents think they would still have much a say at this point, please note, you do not have so much.  People will not take care of your child in the way he or she needs, rather your child will be forced to their control paradigm.  If you complain about it because it is actually the inappropriate treatment for a trauma child, they will attack you.  Be prepared.

And you would only still be in this position if you had resisted their insistence during their first meeting with you to release legal custody of your child.  All the doctors try it so they or their staff will not have to answer to you for their failure to help your child.  Stay strong.  Parents need to keep protecting their child and simply being there for them.  In this last year I have also had doctors file complaints with the child protective services in order to remove me as Alex's Mom so that I will no longer have a say about how he is treated.  They also told me that unless I released custody he could not get help for Alex which my insurance tells me is not true.  And my son still has help through my medical insurance so the doctors lied to me.

I was once a State decorated and highly touted domestic foster-to-adopt Mom, after Alex was adopted, so the agency so far has done nothing about these complaints other than investigate and watch.  There have been so many state child protective workers and adoption investigators in-and-out of my home since 2010 there is no possible way there was any basis for anything.  I was the poster Mom for adoption.  Literally.  That is now a story for another day.

I went by earlier today to pick up Alex's stuff so as to pack for the plane ride tomorrow.  His sweet sister came with me. She is so terribly worried that I will put him on a plane back to Russia, to the orphanage.  Of course I would not do that NEVER!!!!!!!!  My kids - they know when they are home - I hate the doctors and their system for not letting Alex understand he will always, ultimately, be home. 

I found the toothbrushes I sent for him plus half of his pants still in the suitcase sent almost seven weeks ago.  For weeks staff had been saying he did not have stuff, but of course he did.  The fact that they didn't care enough to check and/or lie about it, harms your child and causes them to be less than okay towards you.  Is there any recourse, no.  Does it harm your child - I would suggest it depends upon the relationship you had with your child before he/she entered care.  When Alex saw I had sent that stuff in the beginning; it validated the fact that I do take care of him and all the stuff staff had been saying about me for weeks was generally unfounded.  Seeing that stuff confirmed I do always take care of him. Seeing the stuff I had sent for him but staff had not given validated to Alex how our relationship works between mother and child. 

That is so important for these kids.  I want to say keep being the Mom to your child.  NO MATTER WHAT. 

That is worth repeating:  KEEP BEING THE MOM TO YOUR CHILD  - NO MATTER WHAT.

Keep your relationship with your child - on your terms.  Do not walk away that is what everyone will tell you, including the doctors.  That is what your child is expecting so, do not do it. 

Flying to Texas later today with Alex is simply the worse pain a Mother can ever feel.  Yet, I will do it to try and help my child.  My son is the most amazingly wonderful child to know.  He will do great things some day.  I am his third Mom and I refuse to leave him like the others did.  I simply will not.  No matter what. 

I cannot sleep.  My mom cannot sleep.  My daughter sleeps.  I hope my son does though they put him in lockdown earlier and failed to tell me in a timely manner.  Alex worries if his third Mom will stay - even while he does everything he can to push me away.  I am a mountain of love.  I will not move. 

So sweetheart did not come home today

The out-of-state placement agreed to accept Alex and then asked me to have the facility here keep him until I could fly out with him Sunday.  I made a lot of quick phone calls late in the day  and got the hospital and insurance to agree to not discharge today.  If sweetheart had come home today, the out-of-control behavior would have started again.  He told me so on Monday and I absolutely believe him.  He usually does what his says he will do, no matter what adults try to do about it.  I am hopeful that the out-of-state placement will be helpful given they understood that Alex needs to stay where he is until the transfer happens.  I hope they can listen to Alex and listen to me.  If they do, he has a real chance to get better and back to being the happy little boy we all once knew.

Nobody at the hospital could help Alex with his anxiety about it all today.  Once I got everything handled, I tried to call him from work until I could stop by but staff would not put him on the phone. (add your favorite expletive string here!) 

I went and talked to Alex about it.  He was then fine with it all.  I explained everything in detail and why the plan had changed late in the day.  I do not know why the staff did not do that.  At some level I see some marginal improvement with Alex since he did not try and hide his eyes from me.  He still struggled with looking at me and when he did the look of love mixed with intense pain from him was almost too much for me.  He and I have always been very open and honest with one another so he knows I see the pain.  That is one of the side benefits of having a medically fragile child who has had many medical procedures - you both get used to sharing the pain issue.

I see it as an improvement that he is beginning to let me see the pain.  He and I will get there. 

He and I then talked about practical stuff like where were the rest of his clothing and what did he think he was taking when he leaves?  I asked about a really messy pile of paper that is Alex's version of neatly filing papers important to him and he immediately said of course he was taking that stuff - it is the Scooby Doo papers I have brought to him.  :) 

I then went home and hugged my other little one.  And I hugged her again.  And then we went shopping for groceries.   It is something we all love to do as a family.  One lady was charmed when she saw us seriously discussing which cans of vegetables to buy.  That is our family culture - one of happiness, togetherness and everyone having an opinion that is listened to and valued.  I am sad that Alex is not with us currently - he is missing so much happiness and daily joy. 

That being said, I am still listening to his opinion and valuing it.  When he can, he will come home. 

The Hospital Will Discharge Alex Tomorrow Morning

We still do not have a place for him to get help.  It is more than likely the Texas option is not viable and the hospital and insurance company have stopped actively looking for help for Alex.  The house braces for his return.  We have normal life here at home and we are all reluctant to give it up.

Alex has put on a lot of weight given the meds they have been pumping into to him.  I weep for the destruction his physical self.  He was such a natural athletic.  Worse, the meds have made no difference for Alex.

But nobody cares.  Alex desperately wants help.  NO ENTITY will give it to him.  I am his Mom and these people make me mad.  They threaten me.  They do not help Alex. 

I have been strongly encouraged at least five times by medical doctors to give up custody of Alex to the state.  I have strongly refused each time, with explicit reasons not the least being I love him.  Doctors have attempted to report me to CPS which is ironic since I was a model adoptive/foster mom on the domestic side of adoption.  Every doctor and medical facility has made it clear I should stop being Alex's Mom so they can decide what to do with him without my input.

When I refuse, they attack me and attempt to make my life miserable.  I am pretty miserable now.

What I also found out is that the hospital currently he is in has attempted to seriously commit Alex, a child with no determination of serious mental illness, to the State Mental Hospital.  My insurance kept talking about it and the medical doctors admitted that was a serious consideration for them.  I made them do an MRI to confirm there were no brain anomalies and hence, no reason to even consider sending him to the state mental hospital.  Within a day of those findings coming back, everyone is insisting he be discharged and come home.  

When I talk to the hospital, they tell me insurance no longer covers his stay and I am racking up costs of over $2000 a day.  Beginning yesterday!

I then call the insurance company and they tell me his medical bills are covered until the hospital discharges - tomorrow. 

So I have a child, in pain, dealing with a boatload of issues, and the system is attacking me to let him go into their care.  If I had already done that Alex would be committed to the State Mental Hospital with no hope. 

Of course Alex will come home.  He still does not have the help he needs.  The house braces for his return.

I think about the facility not even calling Alex's long term mental heath doctors for over five weeks of treatment so as to consult (Alex has been there six weeks now)  and I wonder what drives this plan to send Alex home.  The doctor that told me last week he did not bother to call those doctors even though he knew them well professionally.  He is now on vacation this week. 

Is Alex better?  Alex says no.  He does not sound better to me, either.   So, while I miss and love my most beloved son, we brace for his reentry into normal life. 

I once told a Russian judge that the American system would help Alex heal and provide support.  I was wrong.

Ironically, Alex is not currently suffering from issues about his time in Russia.  Rather he currently suffers from his abuse after coming home in the public school system.  If I were the Russians I am not sure if I would trust children to the American system either. 

Alex will come home tomorrow.  Please pray for him.  And for the family, too. 

One more thing

In some states it is a criminal offense to give up custody of your child, even for medical reasons.  I found that out after I refused to do so from other sources.  No one tells you that fact either. 

Being a Warrior Mom and Unconditional Love

Once there was a little bunny who wanted to run away. So he said to his mother, "I am running away."

"If you run away," said his mother, "I will run after you. For you are my little bunny."

from The Runaway Bunny by Margaret Wise Brown.

One Attach-China Mom wrote about doing attachment parenting with her daughter:

She is clearly showing me that she likes what I do to stay connected to her, that she needs the assurance that I will not give up, and that she needs to know that I will fight for our relationship. Its almost as if she needs to see me, as her forever mom, fight as hard and as deliberately to keep her as her birth mom was deliberate in letting her go. She needs to repeat this over and over again.

We must constantly fight to win over our children and convince them that we will never break their hearts as their birthmothers did. As much as they push us away, we must pull them back harder. We must show them that we are stronger than they are and we will never give up. We must be Warrior Moms, fighting for their love and trust.  http://attach-china.org/parenting.html


Just let me say, being a warrior Mom sucks.  My son is being so hurtful during this time.  Worse yet, he has his psych nurses convinced I am the problem.  They are so terribly rude to me. 

I spoke with him face-to-face for just a few minutes this week and he is in so much pain.  And so terribly depressed.  These children that test us still hurt so much.  As a Mom it tears me apart to see him in so much terrible pain.  At one point, after looking at me for less than a minute while I inadvertently looked at him with love, Alex covered his eyes and started scrubbing them.  I think if he thought he could, he would have tried to tear his eyes from his head so that he could no longer see the look of unconditional Mama love.  I looked away and let him create space. 

Unconditional Love.  Wow.  We all need it and demand it from those we hold dear.  It comes back to us in varying degrees.  In the right families it exists within the family units and difficulties are weathered over time.  That was I experienced as a child.  There were tragedies that we weathered as a family that did not impact my ability to be an okay person on the planet.  Given the current situation family still gives me that unconditional love even when I am being less than perfectly behaved.  So many people have given me so many opportunities to be less than happy recently.

One fact no one told me when I began the process of adoption was that once I needed medical care for Alex's mental state, every doctor I encountered would attempt to talk me into giving up custody of him.  I never even considered such an option and one doctor attempted action against me for refusing to do so.  Whatever.  What I have learned by refusing to do what they try to tell me to do is that they really do not do much after a parent signs over custody.  The current facility has failed to inform and/or follow-up on several medical instances that if I no longer had custody, I would have no way to make them do what is medically necessary.  Like an EKG for the heart issues their meds create.  Or like the failure to provide him with the vitamin supplements he needs, pursuant to their own blood tests. Done over five weeks ago, without my knowledge.  They even failed to connect with his long term mental health providers so Alex is now in his sixth week of residence in an unit where he should have only been 7 days.  And we still do not have a discharge date.  Idiots.

If I had listened to even the latest doctor (he seemed so nice and sincere) I would have no voice about anything, including Alex's treatment going forward.  if I had done what the doctors had pressured me to do - that is give up custody, Alex would have no one there for him!  I did not.  Of course, not - he is my son.  Even when the doctors threatened me with no ability to get treatment for him, I refused.  I have insurance after all, so how could that not be enough especially since members of Congress have the same coverage?  I refused to listen that what I had in place for insurance was not good "enough!"  I had to have excellent insurance to begin with in order for the Russians to even allow me to adopt Alex.  That insurance has always helped get Alex the help he needs so I did not listen to the threats.  It was hard.  That was the sixth attempt by doctors to make me release custody for medical care reasons.

And I was right.  My insurance is providing help.  And care. The hospital Alex is currently in at one point explored the possibility of committing Alex to the State Mental Hospital.  Not because he has any serious illness other that extreme anxiety and RAD but because they did not want to have him in their unit anymore.  Worse they didn't tell me about it (they forgot I still retained custody because no one does) and my insurance told me.  The doctor was extremely upset that I found out about it. 

I am now having a series of tests done to protect Alex from any further attempt to hastily label him fit for easy disposal.  And I am working with my insurance company and others to find the proper care for Alex while he resolves his attachment issues as they intersect with his being bullied last year.

Alex still is mad, sad and so terribly desperate for help.  The likelihood that we can do much more cosmetic reconstruction of his face is small since we will have to wait until the bones grow in his face.  Alex will remain an easy target for those who would harm.  I will continue to do my best to stop that harm.

I remain the Warrior Mom.  That is my job after all.  My unconditional love for this child remains strong.  He is the child of my heart.  I will not let go.  That is what being a Mom means after all.

Thank you Mom for teaching me this lesson.  You rock! 

Loving from the heart out

That is something I said on this blog before Alex came home.  It still sums up my approach to Alex.  I love him from the heart out.  There are no expectations to that Mama love.  He is my hero.  My Mama eyes still see what he does.  My Mama knows why he does what he does.  I still love and adore that so stubborn little boy. 

That being said, Alex is working on attempting to break everyone in the system to his will.  He expects me to come in and slay all that oppose to his will when he determines he is done with them.  I am not doing that and letting the people who were so difficult to me while I tried to warn them suffer.  The hospital he has been at has admitted defeat.  He will not comply with their models of "what should work."  The facility has repeatedly refused to do what I tell them works.  Late today, people told me they are looking at options, some of which place sweetie out-of-state. 

I am talking to all the non-medical people I know about what they think.  I am talking to all the best Moms I know.  Decisions I make now will have ramifications to our future.  I want the normal family life we had back.  I miss Alex.  His family misses him.  His friends miss him.  His dog misses him so terribly much.  His life misses him. What we do not miss is his reign of terror. 

The meaning of love.  I still search for the meaning of love.  That being said I know that I love Alex from my heart out as I search for a meaning that can begin to encompass what I feel for this child.  Everybody knocks me down as I love this child.  I still don't care.  I love my son.  I just will not be hurt anymore.

I remember talking with another Mom who also hovered around the cameras while our sons were in the isolation rooms.  Her son was in his thirties and was living in a group home.  He had been domestically adopted.  His Mom still was there while staff worked to stabilize him.  We should have exchanged information to get together later but we did not.  We were so focused on our children and making sure they got what they needed we forget to go ahead and be there for each other. 

I do not know what the future holds for us.  Alex and the family have paid such a terrible price for the effects of him being bullied.  It is a price we all will continue to pay - every day.  It makes me cry.  And we all still have to get up every day and have a life. 

A child is lost

A mother grieves.  There is simply no other way to talk about it.  Alex has been hospitalized in the pysch unit for 11 days now.  This hospital generally only holds a patient for 7 to 10 days before transfer to home or another facility.  The hospital cannot stabilize Alex long enough to even consider transfer. 

Alex is also breaking all of the orthodontic devices out of his mouth.  What is left he can use to break teeth.  I plead with the doctors to get the rest of it out.  The psych unit does not acknowledge that his breaking of the devices in his mouth warrant a determination of actual intent to cause self-harm.

At this point staff is attempting to placate him to make the records appear he is stable enough to transfer to a facility.  So far Alex has unintentionally made their plans fail.

I grieve for my son.  When a child enters the mental health institutional roulette wheel of care, family members and prior treating doctors are disregarded.  The best interests of the child and the appropriate care for their issues is not considered.  All must comply with the boxes these new people in charge insist upon.  These people know nothing of his landscape of trauma, but they still try to tell him what to do.

My poor sweetie.  I did not teach him to comply with random dictates that counter his survival instincts.  Now Alex finds himself in a world where landscape of reality has changed - and he refuses to take my hand so that I can help him though the bewildering forest of change.  Alex is mad at the world, himself and me.  He now attacks me because I dare to love him and try to save him from himself.

This merry-go-round of drama-trauma started 13 months ago when Alex mentally broke after being assaulted at knife point on school grounds because the escalating bullying at school did not stop despite him telling me about it for over six weeks and me telling the school officials about it every day. 

It is like the phone conversations I now have with the pysch unit - I tell them, x, y and z about Alex and how to help him and then they disregard me.  It feels just like when I told the school officials like the teacher that Alex could not continue to endure what I was literally watching in her class real-time.  I told that teacher that was happening in her class to Alex was worse that what he endured in the orphanage.  Yet, that abuse of him continued until he broke. 

So my Mama heart weeps tonight.  I hope that Alex finally stopped making weapons out of his clothing and went to sleep.  Since the bullying last year he has struggled with sleeping unless he is on the family living room couch or in my bedroom.  At the same time I know that my son is right and he needs to start arming himself from those that would harm him.  He has a long way to go before his face will look normal to others.  Maybe the family loving Alex gives him the courage to start arming himself and stop hurting himself.  I know his grandmother would applaud any offensive to protect him.

A family mourns.  And a child remains lost.  May God watch over us all. 

Alex has gone to stay in the hospital for a few days

I love my son.  No matter what else happens, I love my son.  Sometimes he is the best of what I am as a person.  And then another child comes to visit our life and things go so seriously wrong. 

Alex staying in the hospital is not a decision I made lightly.  I did it to save Alex from literally killing himself in public.  Since Alex has gone to stay in the hospital during what will be a week to ten day visit, I have already gotten many calls about him.  People ask - "how did you keep him home for so long?"  I tell them - I love him.  He is my son.  And when I asked for help for him months ago, doctors simply sent him back to me.  What else was I to do?

When he was admitted into this psychiatric medical unit, I went home.  I sat down that first evening and fell asleep for over an hour and a half.  I cannot remember the last time I felt that relaxed.  The next day, after I visited my hairdresser for an appointment months overdue, I went to bring Alex some clothing and a toy.  I arrive on the unit and he is out of control.  I hear him yelling and I am still outside the unit.  They let us in and Alex is raging while they are trying to put him into seclusion.  It takes five security guards and two medical nurses to get that door closed while Alex is raging. 

Alex keeps trying to get hurt with that door and the people.  I finally leave and go home.  The next day I got several calls while I simply did stuff around the house. Alex ripped out the supports to his partially reconstructed hard palate.  I so wanted to run down to the hospital and be there with him.  But I did not.   

On Sunday, I took my daughter with a friend to Build-A-Bear.  It was supposed to be a trip for both kids.  It was a wonderful time and then my friend suggested a trip to the Oregon Coast.  It was a wonderful day.  We all had so much fun. 

I only got a call three times about Alex being in seclusion.

At the end of the day, Alex, who did not know what we were doing, called to check in.  He told me he loved me.  He then learned from his sister that he had missed the Build-A-Bear trip.  He seemed to handle the news okay though he was mad at me for not making a bear for him.  

Alex told me he had a good day.  Alex wants to be the boy I know and love.  He wants me there to make him feel better.  He misses me.  He also wants to be free of being helped.  Alex will continue to any and every thing he can to destroy himself and me.   Being a mother that is there for their child can be so terribly difficult.

I do not know what it will take, but we need to find a way to help Alex.  I have not posted on this blog but Alex had a very good reason last year to begin down this path that he has.  He was so terribly harmed last year and much of what is now our family reality has been caused by the actions of people outside our family. 

A family doing what they do

I have now been home for weeks - no working - getting things to calm down. 

Is it calmer?  More or less.  We are coming up on a month of no running with a slight recent public tantrum requiring transport.  Afterwards Alex apologized for getting mad and losing his temper.  It had been an amazingly fun day complete with rides and ice cream cones.

It seems to remain a combination of control issues, love and safety.  It is also about testing boundaries.  I often wonder what Alex has been told by kids at school about families.  In the beginning me and the school district moved Alex into the most protected environment but now I wonder about the kids he met there.  The school district destroyed all their records from his time there so all that is left is what I have from them during that time.  While what I have shows Alex was a model student, it does not tell me what he was exposed to during his time there. 

My job situation is at end of dealing with the extremes that the situation the bullying and assault in the school system last year has caused. What I do with that reality I do not yet know. 

Alex is scheduled to go summer day camp in just a few days.  He and I are so very excited about it.  The camp people are worried.  There are federal funds given to them to accommodate kids like Alex but they may not allow him to go.  I hope we all are able to work it out. 

My main focus, after the kids of course, is the fact that most people simply eat too high up on the food chain, me included.  Especially during this time of serious long-term stress.  I am working on getting back to the vegan option, which is closer to a balance with the earth.  My kids eat what they need to be what they need to be.  Ironically they independently and consistently choose the vegetarian option.  My sweeties - I will not have to worry about them being nutritionally unhealthy as they get older.  That is a blessing.

Since I always feel better when I eat what is closer to veganism, I wonder how much my struggle with eating habits mimic my children's' struggle with their life issues?  I know what feels better but then I intentionally deviate.  My kids do the same thing.  How different are our life issues - really? 

Ultimately, we are a family who loves one another.  I will probably wake up tomorrow and worry about the day and all the possible problems, but I will love my kids.  I will probably be more likely to constrain a situation that is necessary so as to ensure a sense of normalcy.   More than likely my kids will do everything to make it a good day too.  And they will love me.  I already love them - no matter what.  My Mom will add her presence to balance it all out. 

We are a family doing what we do.  We love one another.

A child beginning to believe in love and back to a normal happy family life

I drafted an excellent post about our wonderful Saturday and then Sunday happened.  It started early.  The temporarily assigned crisis intervention team (who have no experience with trauma children with attachment issues) spent most of the day in our home.  Then they left and Alex erupted.  Wow.  It was a doozy.  He was transported to the hospital where they told him would be hours before he could be seen and that he should go home.  Alex went home.  Calmly.

Alex and I talked that night.  He told me he still felt sure that he could be sent back to the orphanage in Russia at any time.  I talked about how it wasn't possible but he still told me that while he believed I wouldn't do it, it could still happen.  Alex told me he tried to make it happen faster so that losing me wouldn't hurt so much. 

My poor sweetie.  Needing love so much and fearing it as it surrounds him.  No wonder he fights so hard to work out a back-up plan.  He is looking for a place nearby so that he can stay here.  Near his home and family.

Monday we went to see his long time psychologist - Wes.  That guy is brilliant about Alex and his issues.  He kindly pointed out that have such a wonderful Saturday only pushed Alex further into extreme behavior.  Pretty much textbook attachment fear reaction but it is still hard for a Mom to hear - don't make it so nice and happy. 

Tuesday I kept it as low key as possible but I had promised a trip to Alex's favorite restaurant on Monday so that plan was already agreed upon.  There was the situation where Alex's sister had gotten into his room and broken some of his stuff.  I gave a stern talk to her and as a consequence discussed with everyone in the house, she was not allowed to go to lunch with us.  Alex was hurt but he saw there were consequences given and his space was valued.  We decided how to protect his room from his sister.  We then went to lunch at Red Robin, one of his favorite restaurants.  He ate until he could eat no more.  He remembered that his grandmother wanted a to-go order for staying home with sister.  Alex was one happy kid with all those balloons from the restaurant. 

After dinner, my now very large son kept climbing into my lap and cuddling.  Something he has rarely done.  And then he went home, did some things for his grandmother and then went to bed.   

The path back to normalcy is one taken in small steps.  It is a path that makes a Mom take risks that scare her and make the heart pound faster.  There are so many choices to make - to address this issue, or that behavior in the moment - or let it go.  Do I enforce that family rule or let it go?  Do I talk more about what is happening - or let it go?  Alex is obviously struggling with issues that overwhelm him, being the one that figures out what he needs to know and hear is so hard.  But I do it.

All of us want to be happy and safe.  I know I do.  I know my kids want that too.  For the first time today Alex told me that his prior adoptive Mom had hurt him while the older bio kids looked on and the formerly discussed abusive adoptive father did nothing when Alex told him.  That is the first time he has ever, EVER, EVER, said anything negative about that former adoptive mother.  For Alex to admit that was - unbelievable. 

After that he was back at the orphanage.  I asked him if I had ever hurt him like that and he said no - and that I never would.  I told him that sometimes people try to be moms but they are not really ready.  I told him it was not his fault he had been hurt.

Alex told me that he had not done anything wrong but maybe asked for something and made that other Mom mad.  My sweetie is seeking protection from rejection.  Talking about it is the path back to normalcy.

 Do I think we are done?  Maybe yes and maybe no.  People talk about attachment but it is really about love.  Our children look to us about how to learn about love.  I know I looked to my parents about it and carry those examples into my life every day.  Does Alex yet know what it is to love - yes of course.  Is he beginning to believe that he is loved as he loves - just a bit. 

More amazing - he is trying to look just like me.  He dresses like me, he wears my extra pairs of sunglasses, and he is trying emulate my mannerisms.  I just hope I continue to show him what love and a happy life looks like in real time. 

Still we trudge up the hill of Alex's fear of being loved

It was a war in the house today.  That hasn't happened before.  Alex started with slightly self-harming behaviors and then he tried to run.  He started to de-escalate and then trapped me in the kitchen, refusing to let me call the wrap-around services help.  It then became a war.  Alex tried to get out the front door to run even though I had called for the home support services and 911.  It took like it seemed forever for help to come.  My kid fought hard. I fought hard too - for him.  If he had gotten away at that point he would have jumped from the second story of our house.

It is every parents nightmare.  Fighting your kid to save him. 

And then the police came.  Alex walked out of the house calmly and went to the hospital - calmly.

I went dealt with all the hospital people and social workers today.  I went and brought Alex back down enough to come home - without being drugged. 

The rest of the day with Alex at home was normal life.  Like the morning had never happened.  Alex's eyes were still so wide and the pupils were extremely dilated.  It so scares me when he looks like that.

Me and the rest of the family went back to normal life too.  At the same time we all waited to see if he would re-erupt. Alex apologize to me in pieces about the day.  Life went back to normal.  The switch from the morning to the afternoon was extremely disquieting. 

We all trudge up the hill of Alex's fear of being loved.  Today our home was ground zero with me the target.  I did fight back, mostly while I was calling the community wrap-a-round services and 911.  The phone lines were open as I defended myself and attempted to contain Alex until help arrived. 

Did any of it make a difference today, I do not know.  I know Alex still fears loving me because I did not keep him safe from bullying last year. 

I want adoptive parents to hear this well - you can and will gain your children's trust of safety within the first 18 months - give or take a few.  The problem is that if your kids suffer any later inadvertent harm that they perceived you could have stopped, you will have an attachment disorder problem in your home.  At that point you, as a parent, will be required to go through every safety scenario of concern of your child from their previous life. 

It becomes a war between you and your child about love.  Your child cannot understand it and you will be the person to teach it to them again.  People will ask if your child can go to a friend or family member.  Resist!  Keep your children close.  Let your child know you will still be there no matter what.  Let your child see what love looks like every day and in the trenches.  Do not let your child think you will allow space between you and them. 

Think about it - our child did not grow in our bellies, nor did they get to nurse at our breasts.  We became their parents after they learned to handle extreme rejection and neglect.  We love them and they fear further rejection. 

I know my Mom.  She has been there all of my life.  I grew in her belly and was born into my family.  She nursed me.  She and my father had another child because they were so happy with having a baby - me.  My Mom has been there  all of my days.  Even when I have been less than a perfect child. 

I want Alex to know that kind of Mom too.  It is the most wonderful feeling.  So we trudge up the hill of Alex's fear of being loved. 

God always put me in the right place

I never question the course of my life.  God brought me to my children and he always places me where he needs me to be. 

Alex had quite the spectacular run away event on Tuesday but the police tracked down Alex within 20 minutes and had him on route to the hospital.  That is quite the story but that is for another day. 

Because of the continuing Alex issues, I worked from home today and then had a friend help me go to the store with Alex.  We shopped without incident and made it home.  I took the first bag in with Daria in tow and dropped by purse on the table.  I go back out to my friend's car and all of a sudden I see a blur of young men running across the street.

Two boys started hitting a third and had him on the ground.  They hit him and kicked him in the face.  I yelled at them I was calling for the police.  I ran back into the house to grab my phone and ran back out while dialing 911. 

Those two boys were still hitting the one on the ground.  I started running toward them to stop them.  Only then did they start to leave, but they threatened the beaten young man that they would find him again tomorrow and it would be even worse. 

I called the police and attempted to comfort the young man.  He just wanted to go home.  I asked him to please stay until the police arrived.  He agreed to stay on site until the police came but he refused all aid and water.  I admit it, I called 911 back and asked where the police were.  I was afraid the boy would leave.  I finally took him out some water - it is a hot day today - but I let him have his space. 

The police came and talked with him. And then they came and talked with me.  Given Alex run history, the police officer knew us well.  For once I was grateful that everyone at the police precinct has gotten to know me so well.  After talking with me, the police officer went back across the street and took that young man's statement.

A little while ago, the father came back with his son to talk to me about it all.  He asked if I would swear to what I saw.  He is going to be filing charges.  Apparently this has happened to this young man before and nobody ever sees anything. 

God always puts me in the right place.  I saw and I will tell. 

I wish someone had done that for Alex last year. 

Sweeheart ran the other day but stayed home today

Alex climbed out of his second story bedroom window, crawled down a power line and spent the day playing before the police found him playing on a second story fire slide at the university and then attempting to jump from a window. 

That is the call I got - your son is threatening to jump from a scond story window.  I ran out of the house since it was just a mere block away yelling to my mom and daughter that Alex was jumping.  I got there he screamed at me and then the many policemen and firemen got him down.  Six people carried him and then held him to the guerney kicking and screaming while they strapped him down. 

I rode in the ambulance, just like I always do. 

We got to the new ER (the two others have banned us) and it was a different experience.  People got the attachment issue with Alex.  People were kind to me and saw me as helping instead of demonizing me.  What a difference a change of location makes.  The on call representative from the wrap-around service agency was there verifying everything.  After even enougth medication to drop a rhino was pumped into Alex he finally dropped.  The trauma brain of a child will resist much. 

I then took Alex home.  He woke up in the taxi and tried to fight before falling back asleep.  I carried into our home.  All the kids and hit the big bed in my room. 

Alex woke up today and tried really hard.  Trauma kids need  the boundaries gently set back into place after they test family love and I did that for him. We mostly sat and watched really old Disney G-rated movies like Cinderella and Peter Pan.

I made their favorite foods.  I tried to address the post-sugery issuse of Daria.  I am grateful we see our reconstructive surgeon tomorrow.  I gave the kids their preferred desserts and then put them to bed in the living room where I am.  We will all head to my room shortly for what remains of our night.

Do I worry about Alex - you bet.  The bullying trauma he suffered last year caused him to experience serever attachment issues.  Home life hasn't changed but how the trauma effected him within our home has been severe.

What happens at home really is not connected to what Alex does.  The other day when he climbed out the window, Alex woke up from a dream.  He was awake less than 10 minutes before he left that second story room.  When I later asked him why, he told me he stayed as long as he could.  And then he left.  Without shoes.  Without food.

Alex will do what he can.  I will sleep near him tonight.  I just hope I do not get that call again tomorrow. 

Children will do well if they can.  And when they cannot, parents need to be there for them. 

My little boy is still the best survivor I know.

Alex came home the other night

It was a long day.  There were lots of calls to people about what to do next.  Nobody returned the calls.

Alex's sister Daria, was in day surgery the day I went to get Alex and it took twice as long as anyone expected.  Daria is one of those kids where the surgery will always be a very rough experience.  She is really struggling with it all.  I am struggling with it all.  The poor sweetie. Even I, the seasoned cleft Mama worries.  She is our fragile angel of blown glass that we all much protect and cosset.  Alex has spent hours sitting at her side, watching over her.  He went with me to grocery store to make sure I got all the right stuff for her to eat - if she will. 

The other night, after settling her at home I went to go get Alex from the pysch hospital.  He yelled at me and tried to hit.  Finally, four of the staff members carried him out of the unit and into the ground floor waiting room, kicking and and screaming.  No one had given him a chance to know what was happening. 

So I sat down and told him we would do whatever he needed.  I told him about how much Daria needed him to be home and help her since he was the "seasoned" cleft surgery kid.  After a few minutes I had him sitting on my lap and I told him how much I loved him.  He told me how much he missed me and wanted to go home.  After awhile I called cab and we went home.  Quietly.  Peacefully.  Calmly. 

People from a privately funded organization came to the house to try and help with a community plan for when Alex runs.  It sounds like mostly they will develop a script to give to the police and doctors when Alex does his run thing.  My insurance does not cover it but the children's hospital Alex has been to many times accessed some emergency funds to provide this service to us.  I am sure they did it not for Alex but to avoid the legal liability they have incurred concerning their care of Alex.  If it works, it would be nice.  I will still pursue all avenues to strip the hospital of the ability to do what they did to us.  Another family would probably not survive what was done to us.  Families in crisis do not need the additional burdens of attacks while seeking help.  I continue to thank G-d for all my friends and family that help out while we wait for Alex to get back to center.

Frankly, I think our non-triggering Alex is back.  Did Alex find confirmation of love and commitment from me and the family he was seeking?  I certainly hope so, for his sake.  I know that at every moment he is acting out he looks to me to see if I will be that that other Mom from his failed adoption in Russia.  Will I turn away?  Will I leave him?  Did I, or the family have a limit we will set on his behavior before turning away.  Not likely.  Alex has deep emotional scars from the before time that the bullying last year brought back into his daily life. 

Families stand firm with one another.  We all love one another so much.  I stand ready and then we all get on with normal life.  Mostly the family issue has moved on to our concern about Daria, post-surgery.  I worry for my baby girl tonight.  Alex sleeps in his room, surrounded by all his stuff.  It is normal life - for us.

Sometimes people ask me - would you adopt again, knowing what you know.  Yeah, I would do it again. My son was thrown away and lost. He has been found. Here, close to my heart he will remain. My son does okay. We all do okay.

Sometimes kids just struggle

Love your children - hold them close for as long as you can.

 

For reasons known to no one, Alex started running away about three weeks ago.  There were no issues at home.  There were no changes.  It was a happy life. 

Alex ran away four times in one week.  He got lost one night and was attacked by strangers.  People gave him money even knowing he was running away.  When the police brought him back, he came with a rooster (we live in a city!).  When he ran again after returning the rooster, the police asked me to ask the doctors for help, so crying I asked. 

 

Thus began our hell that lasted 337 hours and 10 minutes or just over 15 days living in the Emergency Room of our Children's Hospital.  I have watched Alex tantrum like he never has before.  I have seen him given anti-psychotic medications at levels grown men are given - to no effect. 

 

My custody of Alex has been repeatedly threatened far reasons not made clear to me.

 

Yesterday, at 8:15 pm Alex was transferred to an inpatient facility that had discharged him unstable last year.  My concern about him being sent back there for help was one of the reasons my custody of him was repeatedly threatened.

 

At 5:12 pm today, 21 hours after that transfer, the inpatient facility called me to tell me they were ready to discharge him.  They suggested that I give up my son to the state.  They said there was nothing they could do to help.   

 

That facility also failed to note his current medications and began giving him a drug that has proven ineffective for him and then told me that his current medication schedule is too "difficult for them to maintain." 

 

Alex has asked them if he can live in their basement.  My poor sweetie.  He was locked in a cellar in the ground while still in Russia which was loaded with spiders.  He still has serious issues surrounding this.  The odds that he could be in a basement for more than a moment is low.  He will not even go into the basement of my Mom's former house.  I do not know why he would ask for that, and the doctors and staff do not even care to ask why.

 

I often wonder what the medical people think and feel as they fail this child.  Alex is lost and looking for a way out of the room of mirrors.  Alex also has a lot of rage for the two Moms before that failed him.  Every time he hits, kicks or swears at me, I know he is still raging at those who left him.  Silly boy, like I would let him live in a basement.  :) 

 

I have been home just over 24 hours now, after living on the floor of the pediatric ER and/or in the psychiatric isolation room on the adult side for over 15 days.  My house is normal life filled with family, friends, cats and a couple of dogs.  My daughter and I had a "girls day out" with some retail therapy which was awesome.  Daria is very opinionated about my preference for black (too gloomy!!!) and the fact that sparkles makes me "high fashion."  She is a joy every day. 

 

I will get up tomorrow and do what needs to be done for my children. 

 

People keep telling me to send Alex to the "farm" option.  That is permanent warehousing for children away from their families.  I simply cannot consider that option yet. 

 

I remember Alex had restraint marks on him when I picked him up from the orphanage. I took pictures and asked for explanations.  Of course there were none.  I remember Alex and I spending many hours of trauma therapy addressing him being strapped to a bed in Russia and being given drugs through needles.  I just spent 15 days watching American doctors doing the same thing to Alex.  And attacking me when I tried to get them to stop. 

 

Sometimes kids just struggle.  Parents who wade into the deep with their children are often attacked too and victimized by the people who cannot listen to the screams of a child in crisis. 

 

Some people who like labels and now call Alex RAD as well as PTSD.  Alex began having an attachment disorder about six weeks after he was brutally bullied in the public school system.  A severe attachment disorder can begin after a traumatic event such as what he experienced last year. 

 

Alex and I had beat the odds.  He deeply loves me.  During all this time, he keeps coming over to kiss me and comfort me.  He probably loves me even more than I love him - if that is possible!  Because of that, in light of last year, he will pound on me as hard as he can to see if I will walk away. 

 

What I have is a little boy whom I love so much.  If I thought it was in his best interest, I would walk.  But I do not.  It will never be the best option for Alex.   Everyone needs to know that their Mother will be there for them no matter what.  My Mom would never leave my side.  No matter what.  My Mom does that for me so how could I do any less?  I cannot.  I simply love him too much.  I will never be able to let go.  Alex needs to know the love of a mother that I know.  My parents would expect no less from me.

 

I had the most amazing parents.  Love of their children was the most important thing for them.  That is what I remember best about being a child in my family.  I pass that value onto my children every day by me living it for them. 

 

For parents that want to read more about RAD with PTSD I offer this humble link. 

http://attach-china.org/parenting.html

 

I also offer this poem by a Mom of a child in need of a warrior. 

 

Warrior Moms

by Jean MacLeod

I didn't sign up to be a Warrior Mom.
It was awarded to me by default:
I showed up to mother a baby.
I didn't sign up to be a Warrior Mom.
It was awarded to me by default:
I showed up to mother a baby.
In the early days of our adoption,
I clanked around in oversize Armor that hung heavy and slow.
It took me awhile to realize that it had been designed for me to grow into...
I'd been outfitted as a Warrior Mom
but didn't understand what I was fighting.

It was with fear and steel
that I dealt with awful knowledge:
I was fighting for the love and affection
of a baby who no longer trusted.

Making a child's world right
is all-consuming and never-ending.
I figured out why I wore Armor: it held me up at the end of the day.
So many invisible dragons to slay!
I battled for my baby
and I battled to be her mother.
I took rejection-- arrows glancing off metal-- and came back for more.
I demanded a place in the life of my daughter
and I learned to share her with her past.

I became a Warrior Mom
and ditched the Armor, but kept the shield.
Not for me, but to protect the child that became mine
through sweat and tears and years of no sleep!

Who knew this Mom could tilt at windmills
angry feelings and powerful ghosts?
I don't cook, can't sew, won't craft
but I learned I could fight
and I don't give up.
Sometimes it takes a Warrior Mom
to claim a child who has gone past love.

Untapped, under-appreciated,
a Mother's Will is Mighty.
It can make love spring from metal
And change Armor to open arms.


Love your children - hold them close for as long as you can. 

Good for Alex! A happy family

That is us - the happy ones.  This picture was taken of us during a fundraiser for families with cleft children that cannot afford the orthodontia that is necessary to get the kids ready for reconstructive surgery.  Our family does not suffer from this issue and it never fails to sadden me to see families struggle with this difficult situation. 

Alex just went back into braces and he currently has five different orthodontic devises in his mouth - all due to the ongoing reconstruction.  The sweetie - I promised him a really, really big bag of salt water taffy when it is all done.  He has no idea what that is since he has been braces and/or palate expanders since coming home.  It is his beloved babushka's favorite sweet so I cannot wait for him to try it. It will be another thing they can share together.

Daria is due to be in braces too, but we have to wait until they repair her lip so she may not get into the braces until the summer.  She needs to have some teeth straightened so that we can do the bone graft.  She is one of the lucky ones - most of her upper front teeth came in so the braces will help preserve them. 

My kids just know they have what they need when they need it.  They also try to "compete" about who has braces.  All the doctors just smile and laugh.  The reconstructive surgeon commented that he had never seen kids vie for surgery.  Then we all smile - me and the doctors.  We are the cleft family and it is a good life. 

Changing gears a bit, also awesome is Alex's healing from the horrific bullying at school.  I cannot determine who is happier that we have our Alex back - is it me, the many, many, doctors, the friends, the family members, the nanny or is it the therapists?  Actually, I think it is Alex himself.  Alex came home with a trunk full of issues and he trusted all of us to help him which we did.  And then Alex got over those issues and moved beyond them.

When the bullying happened last year and none of us outside of the school setting saw it, he thought we failed him and acted to protect himself.  Once the institutionalized bullying system in the school system was discovered and removed from his life, Alex had his life back.  The rest of us will always do what is needed for Alex of course, but the bigger issue is that Alex gained back his life for himself - on his own terms.  And his terms are simple - he wants to be happy every day and no more darkness.  He doesn't give it and he doesn't want it around him.  Just like every other normal, well-adjusted human being. 

So I am back to having a normal 10-year-old little boy.  Is the school system and those who oversee it doing what they need to do?  Not so much. 

We are the happy family.  We are also the normal family.  They have age appropriate issues and, my personal joy, sibling conflict. 

Good for Alex!

As a final note, my Mom survived the infection in her blood that less than 10 percent of people who contract it do.  That has been the most difficult time.  It took a couple of months, but she lived. While that is an issue outside of the parameters of this blog, it is worth noting it was a terribly difficult time for the family.  We endured.  We also had a lot of people help us and take care of what we needed, when we needed it.  Mostly people stood by.  My kids got so see what love looks like in the trenches.  We are a happy family.  And not just because I said so :) 

Family Life a Little More Normal

Mom continues to improve.  She sent me to Starbucks today to pick up her signature mocha.  :)  The nurses were impressed.

It is still too soon to know what we will do, but it will be all okay.  As long as she lives, I can stop crying and the rest is easy.  I took one of my favorite down napping quilts in for her because she has been so cold in the hospital and I want her warmer.  People heal faster if they are not shivering all the time.  I also told her to eat more and put so fat on.  :)  The nurses are amazed at how much I get her to do.

Rookies.  I have have dealt with so much worse.  For the rest of my life I think everything will be measured against what I personally call the Alex Standard.  He has really set the bar fairly high.  He is a normal little boy today but that took time and work.  In what I find to be the funniest interaction of all is Alex telling his babushka that the last tube needs to come out - and she should have done it days ago.  Alex has been celebrating as the number of tubes became less.  He knows about this issue well.  They are so terribly sweet with one another.  I never truly understood before now how deeply connected they are with one another. 

My mom complains that I sound too much like the nurses and they have too many rules.  Again, I have done a lot of time with the medical people so I get it and I then explain it to her in detail.  Then she does what is needed. 

After our visit today the kids and I went to a crafts store to stock up on science kits and art projects.  I think we spent a little too much but they were so happy with what we decided upon so that is what we did.  As I am swooning a little during the swiping of my debit card, Alex races back to the valentine stuff and picks out a sticker book for both him and his sister.  He then pulls out his money he has saved from chores and plops down the payment.  He was so proud.  He is a paying customer too.  And his sister was ecstatic.

My children are so terribly sweet with one another.  I would like to think it is my influence but I am not sure.  Maybe it is all the sappy Disney movies we all watch.  I do not know.  I am just so terribly grateful that we have such a wonderful family life daily.  That is our normal.

So then we went home and I stacked the projects in the work area while they tore around the house playing.   For the first time in weeks I made a dinner which had some of my creative flair with the baked chicken - and all the right portions of everything.  Given my kids were so lacking in nutrition when they came home, it has been my most important priority that they get the right foods, and plenty of them.  For instance, my children guzzle bottled water like other kids drink soda. They love broccoli.  They think snacks are always a fruit or vegetable.  Last couple of weeks it has been a struggle, with me falling back on the plan B heat and serves options, while still good, they lacked inspiration. 

The fact that I walked back into my kitchen and created food with joy, is a sign things are getting better.  Now if the eggplant in the frig can remain good for another day, I will be a happy camper. 

We are the lucky ones.  We found one another.  Our family is happy and getting back to our normal happy pace.

Alex goes to rock climbing class tomorrow.  He is always such a hoot hanging off that wall.  He races through the exercises and is absolutely fearless hanging by a mere grip and dangling.  He is amazing to watch.  Daria and I will practice her dance routine simply because she loves it so much.  Life is good. 

How Love Literally Shapes a Family - An interesting observation about how people view families

At least twice today, people mistook my kids for twins.  And then they noted how much they looked like me.  People have been saying that a lot about my kids lately.  I kind of smile and now only say they are not twins.

I no longer tell strangers they are adopted.  I am proud of my kids and want to give them full credit for being so well adjusted but I am attempting to zip my mouth and let them be known as simply "normal."  I no longer try to tell people why they are not bio siblings.  Because it does not matter of course.  

My far older brother adopted children and then he and his wife got pregnant.  Twice.  I remember being at a family function and someone attempting to point out who was adopted and who was not.  I did not see the difference and could not understand the distinction.  Since my brother David was the third generation to adopt and have bio children it was the norm in my sense of family. 

I am now seeing that happen in my house.  I will tell you, my kids did not look like me or like each other when we met.  While Alex and I had the same hair and eye color, we did not look alike - more or less.  Now he looks like me because he uses my facial expressions, verbal intonations, etc.  Before his last surgery he used to complain he could not sound like me - but now he does.  When I met my daughter, Daria, she looked so beautifully different I was in awe. 

Now it is true, we all look similar.  I think it is because my kids are being loved and cared for daily.  They now smile my smile of love.  They now make my gestures of exuberance or frustration.  They do what I do.  Just like all other kids do with their parents.  I think we all look like one another because we love one another.  It is love that makes us seem similar not our actual physical features.  Alex is so incredibly handsome and sweet the girls already swoon at his feet.  Daria is bound for stardom, I am convinced.  She just has that something "extra."  My kids are so different but yet so bound to the safety and normalcy of family life.  My children wanted a family more than anything else and they work at it every day.  I am so terribly proud of them. 

At the same time I feel kind of cheated.  I worked really hard to adopt and I didn't know it but I kind of wanted people to know I had done it.  Instead people just look at us as another family, not knowing how hard we are work at it - every day.  They just see me as a single Mom with a couple of kids and sometimes underestimate me.  They do not know I am not a woman abandoned, nor do they know my kids and I work with one another every day to create our lives.  I made the choice to have these children and my kids made the choice to be with the family. 

So I am quiet and just smile for the folks.  Adoption has been a terribly hard road for me with lots of sacrifice and loss but I still do it for the children.  When I began I thought it was about me but now I see that it has always been about them - the kids needing a home.  When I forget, the children say something to remind me.

Maybe that is how it should be - all families work at being the best family they can be.  The love found within a family is unmatchable.  It heals all. 

So it goes.  May all be well with you and your loved ones. 

Alex leaping forward

I have always likened Alex's academic ability to progress to a rubber band.  You stretch things out and nothing seems to move forward, only backward and then boom - the rubber band shoots forward.  Alex is in the process of shooting forward.  He is leapfrogging forward in reading and he is simply hungry for math.  I am running to keep up.  He is so hungry to learn.

He did a science report on eels this week and helped to dissect an octopus in class.  Totally yuck for me but he loved it.  No, he REALLY LOVED IT!   The teacher gave him portions of the octopus to take home.  Fun.  Like I want Alex to show me the eyes of it.  Yuck.

His sister's class also dissected an octopus and Daria couldn't stop talking about the multiple hearts, etc.  She has learned more about science these last several weeks than she was ever exposed to in public school.  She loves it.  Both of them are signed up for Chinese History next month.  They will love it.  I studied Chinese art and history so I am looking forward to their experiences with the classes.  So much fun.

Our day started very early today because the doctors wanted to do a procedure for my Mom at the hospital that I needed to be there about.  I consented after I talked with my Mom about it but then she refused to comply with the process.  My Mom is back.  :) 

If you looked up stubborn in the dictionary you might find her picture there.  She also is truculent and downright hostile about people, especially strangers, telling her what to do.  And the doctors thought I was the difficult one.  :)  I was simply following orders she had given me in the event of medical emergencies and I was happy to quit the field.  I just sat back with the kids and smiled as they dealt with her and she disposed of them and their ideas to her satisfaction, in short order.  It was sheer joy to watch her back in action.  She even made them give her a Pepsi as a pre-requisite for her to begin eating.  I napped in a rocker with Daria curled up with me and Alex read a book.  A nice quiet day.  After awhile we went home did some school work and then went to swimming class.  Alex is excelling at learning swimming too.

I thank God for my Mom being back.  There are still issues and many, many weeks of antibiotics needed and other medical support to deal with the weeks in the hospital but she is back and we will keep fighting to get her back to normal.  Rather, we will do what she tells us to do and what she will allow.

I strongly suspect that Alex is leaping forward in all areas is because he is no longer in harms' way at school.  Alex is so desperate to move forward and quench that thirst for knowledge I feel like I am still only handing crumbs to a starving child.  He races through his gymnastics class like it will be gone if he doesn't do it fast enough.  I will tell you this though, he never pushes another child, gets in their way or tries to make them move faster.  It is like his internal engines are on high rev and he just doesn't want to miss one more minute of his life.

Even though Alex is no longer in school, the public school district is now doing the testing I first requested in 2009 and then again last Spring.  I haven't seen the results yet, but one of the testers noted to me, a surprised tone, that Alex is a child that always chooses to do the right thing and he is kind.  I have literally being screaming, at some level, about this to them for awhile now.  Alex is this really, really good child.  He does the right thing - his choice, no one elses.  For years I have offered them specialist after specialist to help them understand this gentle child.  Such a kid that is kind and gentle is fragile, especially in light of his history, needs kindness in kind - not be allowed in a classroom where other kids hit.  Alex will respond to abuse in kind.  It was what he was taught in the orphanage when he was too small to fight back and it is what he has been taught in American public schools.  But it is not his preferred response.

When I adopted Alex in 2008, I did not understand what I was seeing.  I have had a lot of specialists and Alex to help me learn.  Now I know.  Now I see.  I can see it with other children.  Alex helped me understand him and other kids dealing with stuff.  Kids are resilient.  They get over stuff.  Remove the trauma, give them support and time and they learn to live with what they know. They become who they are and need to be. 

We are all kind of like that - we learn to live with what we know.  It is a good thing. 

Alex Continues to Impress During the Medical Crisis

My mom went went back into ICU yesterday.  What a difficult time this is becoming.  We are now in a marathon for her survival.  We all went to see her first thing this morning and Alex impressed all the medical people.  The doctor coming over from acute care remembered Alex from a couple of years ago and how wonderful he was in calming a baby that had been placed in my home in a preadoptive placement during vaccination's.  Even my Mom's ICU nurse unbent enough to note how wonderfully both my children, but especially Alex was behaving.  The doctors even did their rounds right next to them outside the room and they were wonderfully behaved.  All the doctors left smiling.  One resident even gave me a thumbs up.

Alex is like this hero that literally stands up in the face of adversity and is simply amazing.  He too is suffering because my Mom is so sick, but he is also noting when she is getting better.  And she did enough today to go back to acute care but it is work.  Because the acute care docs now know who I am as the daughter of my Mom but formerly known as the Mom to Alex, Daria and my other kids, they now make sure I know what is going on.  It is kind of sweet the way the doctor from acute care said, "I know you!" when he saw me.  He went home to Japan when then disaster hit there and he and I had talked about that part of the world because Vlad is just across the water from Japan.  I now get calls about even the most routine of risk issues from all the nurses and doctors.  It is a marathon for survival and there are lots of less than wonderful options to address. 

Alex even quiets the house down, including his still seriously loud sister, while I take the doctor consults.  A lot of it seems like the spin of a roulette wheel. The best I can say is I pray.  It looks like months and months now.  The family has to move to a place of functionality.  I just do not know what means right now.

What I remained impressed about is Alex.  He does well with crisis.  When life gets serious, he steps up.  I will again concede that he is not being hit or hurt at school and that probably helps him be the wonderful little boy he normally is in life.  That being said, we go back to his old school for testing on Tuesday so as to see where he is academically baseline and if there are additional special ed supports that should be in place.  I prepare for it to be what it will be.  After it all, we will go to swimming lessons and an outside speech therapist who is magic with Alex so I hope if it isn't a great day while at school, it will be the end of the day that will get us through. 

A family is just family

Kids and life!  They take up so much time.  My mom is doing better but what that means is too early to tell.  She is awake and she and Alex had a moment today which meant a lot to both of them.  Having him be a part of all of the hospital visits has helped his issues.  I remain convinced that no secrets from kids is the best policy.  I have seen him actually blossom emotionally during this trying family time.  Or maybe it is because he is no longer hit at school.  Being hit or teased really makes him mad.  He has already endured a lifetime of that and will not anymore.  Normal life drama does not faze him.

Alex still fusses around the edges but really, he is being so amazingly awesome.  I wake up crying and stressed which then leaves me a bit snappy because I want to go see my Mom at the acute care unit and Alex just ignores me.  Even when I am upset him he ignores me.  I apologize immediately of course because I would never even be snappy at my miracle children.  Losing a loved one, or almost losing a loved one is so terribly difficult. 

It has been so unexpected.  I buried a parent when I was six-years-old and I thought it was the hardest thing.  This has been harder.  Not because I do not have support or anything but I have just been so unprepared.  And it is my Mom, my last parent.  My kids watch how love of a family member plays out.  My kids, denied a family life for so long, see how it works and why love matters.  They have been awesome about the daily visits.  They also see normal life continue.  I think that is such an important lesson for them to know.

Everyone has to get back up and continue live in moments of tragedy.  My kids knew that fact before they came home but they are now seeing it within a circle love.

The home schooling continues daily and I met with Daria's special ed team today to determine further support.  All in all a good day.

I just want to say that I have been blessed with all sorts of people I know offering to help me.  People from every corner of my life are jumping out to help.  I have even been able to work around everything, from home.  I have just been dealing with a lot of grief.  And looming life changes.    I do not know how to ask for help with grief.  I think I must just have to cry a lot.  So I do and the kids are getting used to the Mama with red, weepy eyes.  They know it is not about them. 

The beloved kids are still having a wonderful time.  Swimming lessons are going wonderfully.  Alex is moving to the next class up already!  Alex is also an absolute whiz at gymnastics.  He is seriously talented at all of it and may even go to the Olympics someday.  I already suspected that since he has been balancing off of the edges of everything for years - just for fun.  And doing backflips over the furniture.  Oh my.

And Daria has discovered hip hop.  She cannot remember all the steps but she loves it.  She breaks out in dance every time she hears music.  When she listens in to Russian radio on my Iphone (which I listen to a lot) she is filled with joy.  My daughter destined for the Broadway stage.  :)  We are a happy family.  We are the lucky ones.  We found one anther.

 

We celebrate smiling cleft faces in our ice cream

My Mom is out of ICU and no permanent organ damage.  Praise God.  And Alex finally calmed down.  I think going to the hospital has helped him because he can see how much better his grandmother (Babushka) is doing every day. 

And we are back to kind of a regular schedule complete with eating dinner at home together.  Apparently that is really important to the kids.  I never knew but I am glad I am doing it for them.  Tonight, after a pile of veggies and other good stuff, dessert was ice cream.  After dishing it up the bowl of ice cream looked like a smiling cleft face so I added crackers for eyes and Alex was charmed.  In our house being a cleft child is a good and happy thing.  Both of my kids were positive about being cleft - it is just normal life. 

On the home schooling front, things are going well.  I cannot understand how Alex was allowed to fall so far behind academically because he pushes every day to do more and more work.  And there are interesting gaps in his knowledge so I am just going to cover everything.  And Daria has settled down and I am seeing more work from her than she has done all year.  She really does know it.  The little stinker.  :)

Tonight at dinner Daria told me about this girl in her class that had been hitting her.  Apparently she and Alex have talked about it before.  As I sat and let them talk about it while I was quiet so as to learn more, and it appeared there was no reason for the hitting.  Alex was very through on questioning his sister on that point.  He literally left no stone unturned.  Daria said the teacher put the other child in time out but it is clear it had been a regular kid-to-kid interaction.

I was right to pull both children from public school.  Alex is our canary in the coal mine if you will.  One of his doctors likened him to litmus paper - a definite test of acidity in his environment.  Any problems and he immediately shows that there is a problem.  It is like someone laying on a loud car horn - you will notice there is a problem.  Alex simply will not tolerate abuse.  While I may not appreciate his new way of dealing with the fear, stress, anxiety, or whatever, I do understand he is simply making sure he is safe.  Alex is the example of zero tolerance for abuse.

Daria hides it more.   It is like her revelation of being hurt in the orphanage - on TV and not before.  Daria will only tell once it is done and over.  When she is safe again.  But it still hurt her heart.  I didn't know kids were hitting her too. 

This stuff is happening to my children who are eight and nine.  I remember being eight.  I loved wearing a particular pretty red dress and climbing trees.  My Mom made one of those "Barbies in a Cake Dress" that were so new at the time.  At nine, I loved reading and riding my bike.  I remember working hard on handwriting that year.  I do not remember being hit by other children.  If I had been hit, I would have remembered. 

I have been worrying about my kids having all the normal stuff and normal life and I didn't see that they were having issues.

Something is wrong.  My kids are not safe and that is not normal.  It is not okay.

So, for now, the kids will be home schooled.  I HATE this option but I need to keep them safe and get them up to grade level.  The final irony of the situation is that Alex is in outside classes to bolster the home schooling effort and he is perfectly fine in a normal classroom setting with normal kids.  I wonder, how long has he been perfectly fine?

If you had asked me and his long term treating doctors, we would all say a really, really long time.  If you asked adoption specialists they would have said probably close to three years.  Even the most out-of-control kids settle down after about a year if you can get the right supports in place fast enough.  Speed and sufficiency is essential.  I did that. 

I do not know how we go on from here.  I am having to rethink family life while in the middle of dealing with serious life issues.  I do know that time is short, my kids are growing a mile a minute. I also know that being a cleft child in my house is something to celebrate.  My children see it as normal life and no longer refuse to look into mirrors or at pictures of themselves.  Alex no longer tries to smile in such a way so as to hide it.  It has been hard work to turn that corner but it is totally worth it.  It is like I tell everyone, I am the lucky one, I have the most amazing and wonderful children.  I have been blessed with these children.  My miracles that were once in Russia. 

Russian Article on American Adoption

http://lenta.ru/news/2013/01/10/oneyear/

A little bump in the road

My mom fell and then became seriously ill last week.  She developed an infection in the blood and her organs started shutting down.  Alex also started having PTSD flashbacks and had to be rushed into emergency twice during this last week because with her not in the house he felt unsafe.  He was afraid he would have to go back to school because normally I do not work from home. 

The second time he flashed we were getting off a train by a mall and he ran in and out of traffic until two teenagers chased him down and I could run up and pin him down.  It took mall security and police officers over forty minutes to respond.  The police were worried about his bare feet because I stripped the shoes and socks off before I pinned him to the ground.  Rookies.  Even Alex runs slower in bare feet on a cold wet night.  I have got to stop visiting suburbia.  :)

Anyway, Alex's trips to the ER (the first while my Mom initially went into ER) have allowed me the opportunity to spend a lot of time with her.  And then there are the standing children doctor appointments in the attached children's hospital.  Just yesterday the wonderful speech therapist wished me good luck on visiting Mom after the check-up.  It all went fine.

I am starting to get seriously sick of hospital food though. Today I absolutely insisted on bringing food from home.  The kids were healthily well fed and I got a break from the cafeteria.  We will do that again tomorrow.

I am learning a lot about PTSD.  I knew a lot before because my step-Dad was a vet and I stabilized Alex before but Alex is refining my understanding.  In some respects dealing with the orphanage trauma was so much easier than what we deal with now.  For Alex the "before time" was a category he could fit abuse into but now, with what has happened since he has been home, the monsters have leaked into our life.  If it was a simple issue of "things like that happen there but not here" he would be farther along in healing. 

I think that is an important thing for adoptive parents to understand.  Kids heal better when there is a clear demarcation between the before time and now.  And before all the caring parents jump in and over fix this, listen well - the child has to make the demarcation - and in their own time.  The parent job is to endure - and love. And be willing to calmly talk about it all when the child is ready.  I asked Daria so many times if she had been hurt and it was only when she was on TV that she told.  My daughter is not yet sure about the difference between the before time and now.  She is still currying favor and attempting to be what she thinks I expect.  She is not ready to trust.

Alex, is far from this point.  He tells all and insists on being able to trust.  All of us, even his sister, keep Alex safe in his sense of the world.  It is extremely important that he sees and knows what is happening to all of us.  Alex also sees his grandmother as an extremely important protector.  Even when she did not pick him up from school, she was at home, ready to make his day better.  And she always made him safe.  I am still the Mom that leaves him at school and works in the office.  I am farther away in his sense of the world.  I inadvertently allowed harm to happen to him before whereas my Mom just hugs him and keeps him safe at home.  She is the one that yells at the drivers that do not treat him well.

I am still having to prove to Alex that I will keep him safe.  I walk out of sight and leave him in the care of others who allow him to be hurt.  In his eyes, I fail him.  He does not see all that I try and do to correct my misplaced trust about his safety.

Parents with traumatized kids are very familiar with the child who has to be in the bathroom while you pee or has to literally hold onto your leg while you dig a hole in the garden.  I had an eighteenth- month-old preadoptive placement that did that.  Moving those rose bushes took a really long time.  That is still Alex at some level.  Hence the PTSD response this week. 

We sat in my Mom's ICU room today for a couple of hours.  I had been having people stay at my house while the kids slept so I could be with her (when we weren't already up there) but today it seemed best to let them see what has upset the applecart at home.  The kids did great.  No flashes from Alex but a lot empathy and pain when his grandmother had a few issues during care.  Alex has had issues during medical stays too.  Normal life.

This is just a bump in the road for Alex.  For me, my mother was dying this week.  I have been driven to my knees.  I cannot stop crying.  It looks like my mom will live but there is a long road ahead.  I am thinking about changes. 

While I was covering the things my Mom has normally been dealing with, I can see that Alex is fine in "home school" classes with other kids.  I sit and watch, or wait in the hall outside his new "class" and I wonder - how long has Alex been perfectly fine and the school system kept labeling him a problem? 

Time is so terribly short.  Alex is now ten and he has barely retained first grade academic skills.  His younger sister, has more advance academics skills - and she refuses to do school work!  Alex does not.  At ten I could have gone to college.  Alex is smart, like me.  He just didn't have the access to education that I had.  I worry for him academically.  But he is still trying to learn so we haven't lost the war yet.  Tomorrow I will begin again.