Loving from the heart out

That is something I said on this blog before Alex came home.  It still sums up my approach to Alex.  I love him from the heart out.  There are no expectations to that Mama love.  He is my hero.  My Mama eyes still see what he does.  My Mama knows why he does what he does.  I still love and adore that so stubborn little boy. 

That being said, Alex is working on attempting to break everyone in the system to his will.  He expects me to come in and slay all that oppose to his will when he determines he is done with them.  I am not doing that and letting the people who were so difficult to me while I tried to warn them suffer.  The hospital he has been at has admitted defeat.  He will not comply with their models of "what should work."  The facility has repeatedly refused to do what I tell them works.  Late today, people told me they are looking at options, some of which place sweetie out-of-state. 

I am talking to all the non-medical people I know about what they think.  I am talking to all the best Moms I know.  Decisions I make now will have ramifications to our future.  I want the normal family life we had back.  I miss Alex.  His family misses him.  His friends miss him.  His dog misses him so terribly much.  His life misses him. What we do not miss is his reign of terror. 

The meaning of love.  I still search for the meaning of love.  That being said I know that I love Alex from my heart out as I search for a meaning that can begin to encompass what I feel for this child.  Everybody knocks me down as I love this child.  I still don't care.  I love my son.  I just will not be hurt anymore.

I remember talking with another Mom who also hovered around the cameras while our sons were in the isolation rooms.  Her son was in his thirties and was living in a group home.  He had been domestically adopted.  His Mom still was there while staff worked to stabilize him.  We should have exchanged information to get together later but we did not.  We were so focused on our children and making sure they got what they needed we forget to go ahead and be there for each other. 

I do not know what the future holds for us.  Alex and the family have paid such a terrible price for the effects of him being bullied.  It is a price we all will continue to pay - every day.  It makes me cry.  And we all still have to get up every day and have a life.