We fly in just a few hours

Gosh I am scared.  What a big step.  So not what any of us wanted.  I think even Alex did not want this.  He keeps searching for help but wants the doctors to validate he is safe here, but they have not.

The fact that is he safe at home and no one will help him see that makes this all so much more heartbreaking.   

Yesterday, staff at Alex's hospital put him on the phone with me after he had been seriously irritated by other kids on the floor.  He was hostile and abusive towards me.   I finally ended the call calmly but I was shaken and scared.  Really scared.  I had not heard my son sound like that - ever.  It was only later staff told me there were serious problems on the unit and they had all the kids isolated in their rooms.  The problems had caused serious anxieties with Alex to escalate which then made him blow up at me.  It was not an Alex issue or a Mom issue but those staff allowed me to be abused and to be scared and didn't even bother to tell me it was their lack of ability to control the floor.   

My son is now on so much medication, which is so not appropriate, it scares even me.  Everyone, the nurses and doctors, know it is not helping but they keep pumping it into him.  My poor sweetie.

If parents think they would still have much a say at this point, please note, you do not have so much.  People will not take care of your child in the way he or she needs, rather your child will be forced to their control paradigm.  If you complain about it because it is actually the inappropriate treatment for a trauma child, they will attack you.  Be prepared.

And you would only still be in this position if you had resisted their insistence during their first meeting with you to release legal custody of your child.  All the doctors try it so they or their staff will not have to answer to you for their failure to help your child.  Stay strong.  Parents need to keep protecting their child and simply being there for them.  In this last year I have also had doctors file complaints with the child protective services in order to remove me as Alex's Mom so that I will no longer have a say about how he is treated.  They also told me that unless I released custody he could not get help for Alex which my insurance tells me is not true.  And my son still has help through my medical insurance so the doctors lied to me.

I was once a State decorated and highly touted domestic foster-to-adopt Mom, after Alex was adopted, so the agency so far has done nothing about these complaints other than investigate and watch.  There have been so many state child protective workers and adoption investigators in-and-out of my home since 2010 there is no possible way there was any basis for anything.  I was the poster Mom for adoption.  Literally.  That is now a story for another day.

I went by earlier today to pick up Alex's stuff so as to pack for the plane ride tomorrow.  His sweet sister came with me. She is so terribly worried that I will put him on a plane back to Russia, to the orphanage.  Of course I would not do that NEVER!!!!!!!!  My kids - they know when they are home - I hate the doctors and their system for not letting Alex understand he will always, ultimately, be home. 

I found the toothbrushes I sent for him plus half of his pants still in the suitcase sent almost seven weeks ago.  For weeks staff had been saying he did not have stuff, but of course he did.  The fact that they didn't care enough to check and/or lie about it, harms your child and causes them to be less than okay towards you.  Is there any recourse, no.  Does it harm your child - I would suggest it depends upon the relationship you had with your child before he/she entered care.  When Alex saw I had sent that stuff in the beginning; it validated the fact that I do take care of him and all the stuff staff had been saying about me for weeks was generally unfounded.  Seeing that stuff confirmed I do always take care of him. Seeing the stuff I had sent for him but staff had not given validated to Alex how our relationship works between mother and child. 

That is so important for these kids.  I want to say keep being the Mom to your child.  NO MATTER WHAT. 

That is worth repeating:  KEEP BEING THE MOM TO YOUR CHILD  - NO MATTER WHAT.

Keep your relationship with your child - on your terms.  Do not walk away that is what everyone will tell you, including the doctors.  That is what your child is expecting so, do not do it. 

Flying to Texas later today with Alex is simply the worse pain a Mother can ever feel.  Yet, I will do it to try and help my child.  My son is the most amazingly wonderful child to know.  He will do great things some day.  I am his third Mom and I refuse to leave him like the others did.  I simply will not.  No matter what. 

I cannot sleep.  My mom cannot sleep.  My daughter sleeps.  I hope my son does though they put him in lockdown earlier and failed to tell me in a timely manner.  Alex worries if his third Mom will stay - even while he does everything he can to push me away.  I am a mountain of love.  I will not move.