Still we trudge up the hill of Alex's fear of being loved

It was a war in the house today.  That hasn't happened before.  Alex started with slightly self-harming behaviors and then he tried to run.  He started to de-escalate and then trapped me in the kitchen, refusing to let me call the wrap-around services help.  It then became a war.  Alex tried to get out the front door to run even though I had called for the home support services and 911.  It took like it seemed forever for help to come.  My kid fought hard. I fought hard too - for him.  If he had gotten away at that point he would have jumped from the second story of our house.

It is every parents nightmare.  Fighting your kid to save him. 

And then the police came.  Alex walked out of the house calmly and went to the hospital - calmly.

I went dealt with all the hospital people and social workers today.  I went and brought Alex back down enough to come home - without being drugged. 

The rest of the day with Alex at home was normal life.  Like the morning had never happened.  Alex's eyes were still so wide and the pupils were extremely dilated.  It so scares me when he looks like that.

Me and the rest of the family went back to normal life too.  At the same time we all waited to see if he would re-erupt. Alex apologize to me in pieces about the day.  Life went back to normal.  The switch from the morning to the afternoon was extremely disquieting. 

We all trudge up the hill of Alex's fear of being loved.  Today our home was ground zero with me the target.  I did fight back, mostly while I was calling the community wrap-a-round services and 911.  The phone lines were open as I defended myself and attempted to contain Alex until help arrived. 

Did any of it make a difference today, I do not know.  I know Alex still fears loving me because I did not keep him safe from bullying last year. 

I want adoptive parents to hear this well - you can and will gain your children's trust of safety within the first 18 months - give or take a few.  The problem is that if your kids suffer any later inadvertent harm that they perceived you could have stopped, you will have an attachment disorder problem in your home.  At that point you, as a parent, will be required to go through every safety scenario of concern of your child from their previous life. 

It becomes a war between you and your child about love.  Your child cannot understand it and you will be the person to teach it to them again.  People will ask if your child can go to a friend or family member.  Resist!  Keep your children close.  Let your child know you will still be there no matter what.  Let your child see what love looks like every day and in the trenches.  Do not let your child think you will allow space between you and them. 

Think about it - our child did not grow in our bellies, nor did they get to nurse at our breasts.  We became their parents after they learned to handle extreme rejection and neglect.  We love them and they fear further rejection. 

I know my Mom.  She has been there all of my life.  I grew in her belly and was born into my family.  She nursed me.  She and my father had another child because they were so happy with having a baby - me.  My Mom has been there  all of my days.  Even when I have been less than a perfect child. 

I want Alex to know that kind of Mom too.  It is the most wonderful feeling.  So we trudge up the hill of Alex's fear of being loved.