I drafted an excellent post about our wonderful Saturday and then Sunday happened. It started early. The temporarily assigned crisis intervention team (who have no experience with trauma children with attachment issues) spent most of the day in our home. Then they left and Alex erupted. Wow. It was a doozy. He was transported to the hospital where they told him would be hours before he could be seen and that he should go home. Alex went home. Calmly.
Alex and I talked that night. He told me he still felt sure that he could be sent back to the orphanage in Russia at any time. I talked about how it wasn't possible but he still told me that while he believed I wouldn't do it, it could still happen. Alex told me he tried to make it happen faster so that losing me wouldn't hurt so much.
My poor sweetie. Needing love so much and fearing it as it surrounds him. No wonder he fights so hard to work out a back-up plan. He is looking for a place nearby so that he can stay here. Near his home and family.
Monday we went to see his long time psychologist - Wes. That guy is brilliant about Alex and his issues. He kindly pointed out that have such a wonderful Saturday only pushed Alex further into extreme behavior. Pretty much textbook attachment fear reaction but it is still hard for a Mom to hear - don't make it so nice and happy.
Tuesday I kept it as low key as possible but I had promised a trip to Alex's favorite restaurant on Monday so that plan was already agreed upon. There was the situation where Alex's sister had gotten into his room and broken some of his stuff. I gave a stern talk to her and as a consequence discussed with everyone in the house, she was not allowed to go to lunch with us. Alex was hurt but he saw there were consequences given and his space was valued. We decided how to protect his room from his sister. We then went to lunch at Red Robin, one of his favorite restaurants. He ate until he could eat no more. He remembered that his grandmother wanted a to-go order for staying home with sister. Alex was one happy kid with all those balloons from the restaurant.
After dinner, my now very large son kept climbing into my lap and cuddling. Something he has rarely done. And then he went home, did some things for his grandmother and then went to bed.
The path back to normalcy is one taken in small steps. It is a path that makes a Mom take risks that scare her and make the heart pound faster. There are so many choices to make - to address this issue, or that behavior in the moment - or let it go. Do I enforce that family rule or let it go? Do I talk more about what is happening - or let it go? Alex is obviously struggling with issues that overwhelm him, being the one that figures out what he needs to know and hear is so hard. But I do it.
All of us want to be happy and safe. I know I do. I know my kids want that too. For the first time today Alex told me that his prior adoptive Mom had hurt him while the older bio kids looked on and the formerly discussed abusive adoptive father did nothing when Alex told him. That is the first time he has ever, EVER, EVER, said anything negative about that former adoptive mother. For Alex to admit that was - unbelievable.
After that he was back at the orphanage. I asked him if I had ever hurt him like that and he said no - and that I never would. I told him that sometimes people try to be moms but they are not really ready. I told him it was not his fault he had been hurt.
Alex told me that he had not done anything wrong but maybe asked for something and made that other Mom mad. My sweetie is seeking protection from rejection. Talking about it is the path back to normalcy.
Do I think we are done? Maybe yes and maybe no. People talk about attachment but it is really about love. Our children look to us about how to learn about love. I know I looked to my parents about it and carry those examples into my life every day. Does Alex yet know what it is to love - yes of course. Is he beginning to believe that he is loved as he loves - just a bit.
More amazing - he is trying to look just like me. He dresses like me, he wears my extra pairs of sunglasses, and he is trying emulate my mannerisms. I just hope I continue to show him what love and a happy life looks like in real time.
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