Being a Warrior Mom and Unconditional Love

Once there was a little bunny who wanted to run away. So he said to his mother, "I am running away."

"If you run away," said his mother, "I will run after you. For you are my little bunny."

from The Runaway Bunny by Margaret Wise Brown.

One Attach-China Mom wrote about doing attachment parenting with her daughter:

She is clearly showing me that she likes what I do to stay connected to her, that she needs the assurance that I will not give up, and that she needs to know that I will fight for our relationship. Its almost as if she needs to see me, as her forever mom, fight as hard and as deliberately to keep her as her birth mom was deliberate in letting her go. She needs to repeat this over and over again.

We must constantly fight to win over our children and convince them that we will never break their hearts as their birthmothers did. As much as they push us away, we must pull them back harder. We must show them that we are stronger than they are and we will never give up. We must be Warrior Moms, fighting for their love and trust.  http://attach-china.org/parenting.html


Just let me say, being a warrior Mom sucks.  My son is being so hurtful during this time.  Worse yet, he has his psych nurses convinced I am the problem.  They are so terribly rude to me. 

I spoke with him face-to-face for just a few minutes this week and he is in so much pain.  And so terribly depressed.  These children that test us still hurt so much.  As a Mom it tears me apart to see him in so much terrible pain.  At one point, after looking at me for less than a minute while I inadvertently looked at him with love, Alex covered his eyes and started scrubbing them.  I think if he thought he could, he would have tried to tear his eyes from his head so that he could no longer see the look of unconditional Mama love.  I looked away and let him create space. 

Unconditional Love.  Wow.  We all need it and demand it from those we hold dear.  It comes back to us in varying degrees.  In the right families it exists within the family units and difficulties are weathered over time.  That was I experienced as a child.  There were tragedies that we weathered as a family that did not impact my ability to be an okay person on the planet.  Given the current situation family still gives me that unconditional love even when I am being less than perfectly behaved.  So many people have given me so many opportunities to be less than happy recently.

One fact no one told me when I began the process of adoption was that once I needed medical care for Alex's mental state, every doctor I encountered would attempt to talk me into giving up custody of him.  I never even considered such an option and one doctor attempted action against me for refusing to do so.  Whatever.  What I have learned by refusing to do what they try to tell me to do is that they really do not do much after a parent signs over custody.  The current facility has failed to inform and/or follow-up on several medical instances that if I no longer had custody, I would have no way to make them do what is medically necessary.  Like an EKG for the heart issues their meds create.  Or like the failure to provide him with the vitamin supplements he needs, pursuant to their own blood tests. Done over five weeks ago, without my knowledge.  They even failed to connect with his long term mental health providers so Alex is now in his sixth week of residence in an unit where he should have only been 7 days.  And we still do not have a discharge date.  Idiots.

If I had listened to even the latest doctor (he seemed so nice and sincere) I would have no voice about anything, including Alex's treatment going forward.  if I had done what the doctors had pressured me to do - that is give up custody, Alex would have no one there for him!  I did not.  Of course, not - he is my son.  Even when the doctors threatened me with no ability to get treatment for him, I refused.  I have insurance after all, so how could that not be enough especially since members of Congress have the same coverage?  I refused to listen that what I had in place for insurance was not good "enough!"  I had to have excellent insurance to begin with in order for the Russians to even allow me to adopt Alex.  That insurance has always helped get Alex the help he needs so I did not listen to the threats.  It was hard.  That was the sixth attempt by doctors to make me release custody for medical care reasons.

And I was right.  My insurance is providing help.  And care. The hospital Alex is currently in at one point explored the possibility of committing Alex to the State Mental Hospital.  Not because he has any serious illness other that extreme anxiety and RAD but because they did not want to have him in their unit anymore.  Worse they didn't tell me about it (they forgot I still retained custody because no one does) and my insurance told me.  The doctor was extremely upset that I found out about it. 

I am now having a series of tests done to protect Alex from any further attempt to hastily label him fit for easy disposal.  And I am working with my insurance company and others to find the proper care for Alex while he resolves his attachment issues as they intersect with his being bullied last year.

Alex still is mad, sad and so terribly desperate for help.  The likelihood that we can do much more cosmetic reconstruction of his face is small since we will have to wait until the bones grow in his face.  Alex will remain an easy target for those who would harm.  I will continue to do my best to stop that harm.

I remain the Warrior Mom.  That is my job after all.  My unconditional love for this child remains strong.  He is the child of my heart.  I will not let go.  That is what being a Mom means after all.

Thank you Mom for teaching me this lesson.  You rock!