Alex has gone to stay in the hospital for a few days

I love my son.  No matter what else happens, I love my son.  Sometimes he is the best of what I am as a person.  And then another child comes to visit our life and things go so seriously wrong. 

Alex staying in the hospital is not a decision I made lightly.  I did it to save Alex from literally killing himself in public.  Since Alex has gone to stay in the hospital during what will be a week to ten day visit, I have already gotten many calls about him.  People ask - "how did you keep him home for so long?"  I tell them - I love him.  He is my son.  And when I asked for help for him months ago, doctors simply sent him back to me.  What else was I to do?

When he was admitted into this psychiatric medical unit, I went home.  I sat down that first evening and fell asleep for over an hour and a half.  I cannot remember the last time I felt that relaxed.  The next day, after I visited my hairdresser for an appointment months overdue, I went to bring Alex some clothing and a toy.  I arrive on the unit and he is out of control.  I hear him yelling and I am still outside the unit.  They let us in and Alex is raging while they are trying to put him into seclusion.  It takes five security guards and two medical nurses to get that door closed while Alex is raging. 

Alex keeps trying to get hurt with that door and the people.  I finally leave and go home.  The next day I got several calls while I simply did stuff around the house. Alex ripped out the supports to his partially reconstructed hard palate.  I so wanted to run down to the hospital and be there with him.  But I did not.   

On Sunday, I took my daughter with a friend to Build-A-Bear.  It was supposed to be a trip for both kids.  It was a wonderful time and then my friend suggested a trip to the Oregon Coast.  It was a wonderful day.  We all had so much fun. 

I only got a call three times about Alex being in seclusion.

At the end of the day, Alex, who did not know what we were doing, called to check in.  He told me he loved me.  He then learned from his sister that he had missed the Build-A-Bear trip.  He seemed to handle the news okay though he was mad at me for not making a bear for him.  

Alex told me he had a good day.  Alex wants to be the boy I know and love.  He wants me there to make him feel better.  He misses me.  He also wants to be free of being helped.  Alex will continue to any and every thing he can to destroy himself and me.   Being a mother that is there for their child can be so terribly difficult.

I do not know what it will take, but we need to find a way to help Alex.  I have not posted on this blog but Alex had a very good reason last year to begin down this path that he has.  He was so terribly harmed last year and much of what is now our family reality has been caused by the actions of people outside our family.