What a day - the family hunkers down

I woke up with a terrible, terrible cold today.  I could barely speak.  And there were so many calls to make today.  I called in sick because I could not even image trying to get up today.  But of course I had to do things.

Apparently life gets really complicated when a Mom allows their child to be committed to residential treatment against her best judgment, the child reports abuse, it is not addressed, the abuse escalates and the Mom then pulls her child from the harming environment and finds out even more.

It is also not okay for a residental treatment facility to tell you that sexual abuse of your child is a risk of treatment.  Lots of people have been ringing in on that statement alone.  Lots and lots of the specialists have been simply shocked that I have been repeatedly told that. 

Interestingly, others have been silent.  Trillium or Parry Center for Children, the day treatment and then residential treatment providers are the ones that have been the most open that they consider what happened to Alex a simply risk of treatment.  They are a place where no child should ever go.  They see harm to a child okay and no big deal. 

I thank the good Lord that no one else is willing to concur with that statement.  Nobody.  Nobody else thinks further harming an already tortured child is to be considered a risk of treatment. 

All parents of severely harmed children expect our children to be safe during treatment.  Part of Trillium's argument to me, the outside doctors and insurance was that Alex would be more safe in their program that they now have told me has a risk of abuse as a part of treatment and that is to be simply expected.

I think all the other professionals are in a state of shock.  Even the children's hospital where we go to when Alex is transported to the ER were of the firm opinion that the Trillium people would offer Alex either the option to return to day treatment or other in-home care.  Instead, Trillium confirmed today that Alex had been closed out of all their systems.  Their words, not mine.

I thank God for their hard stance.  I think they may actaully kill my child with their brand of care.  I am already fighting a lot harder to save him after their interaction with him.  He is already so fragile, he cannot sustain more harm.  If they had offered care, I would have been obligated to try and work with it. 

As it is, I am already worrying about who will renew his medications, that are so expensive, next month. 

That being said, people are trying to get something in place to help Alex. That being said, he is sitting home, in a lot of mental and emotional pain. 

When the mental health crisis line took the call on Sunday about Alex being the middle of a PTSD flashback, they were all so supportive about how he should have not been subjected to further abuse.  The police officers that were called in by the mental health crisis team already onsite were awesome even when Alex was threatening them with grabbing their guns and using them against them. 

It goes back to what Alex keeps telling me when I press him about it all - he cannot stand being happy.  He will destroy himself and us, his family, because he feels unworthy.

I hear what he says.  Until I can get him safe therapy, I give him what he wants.  Sort of.  I tell him I will make him unhappy (of course I won't).  I tell I will punish if he continues to act out (of course I won't).  I take away his freedom of movement and his socks and shoes.  I use harsh tones with him and it makes my heart bleed.  I make him stay in the kitchen while I cook and take him with me whenever I leave a room.  It is an approach with a quick expiration date, I would agree.  Yet, I will do anything to keep him safe and alive.  He is my most beloved son.

His sweet little sister started putting her hand up today and told us to stop arguing.  She told me to stop hurting Alex.  (Harsh words are considered hurting in my home).  I took her aside and explained Alex keeps running and the police keep having to come because he wants me act like this but it is just pretend.  I told her that babushka (my mom who now lives with us) would never let me be anything other than a good mama.  I told her we had made him too happy during the zoo visit so he just had to act out.  My wise little girl, she got it immediately and stopped being worried.  Her time in the Russian pysch ward was well spent.


So the family hunkers down.  My son desparately needs our love but feels so unworthy.  It is not RAD, it is what he was taught to believe before he came home.  It is because he is so connected to us that he would destroy it all.  He struggles with being loved.  He is stubborn and he has such a strong will.

He will use any power structure or any physical weapon he can find to drive me off.   I think he may be losing faith in finding any outside help whether it be a rock, stick, doctor, policeman or hospital setting.  That does not mean that he will cease trying.

Yet, it is too late for this family in some respects.  We are so bonded.  We are so determined to be there for one another.  We will endure. 

If I thought it was RAD (reactive attachment disorder) or FAS (fetal alcholol syndrome) I would be the first to hit the bell and talk about it all.  If was anything else, I would talk about that too. 

I went to Russia to find my son.  I found him.  The people that watched over him blessed us with their efforts and care.  They gave me my son.  And Alex will be okay.  He is home with his family.