Being unlovable - the others sat down and were quiet

The day treatment team finally talked to the doctors that have known Alex for years.  He stays where he is for now.  He is getting better and that is not just me talking.  The whole thing kind of makes me want to stick my tongue out at them.  Nah, nah.  As the boy wonder would say, "I was right and you were wrong."

So they sat down and were quiet.  And they started doing some substantive therapy to deal with his monsters. 

After the school/hospital session Alex and I went to Belmont Street and grabbed a slice of pizza and sat out in the nice summer afternoon.  At one point Alex told me he wanted me to stop loving him.  When I asked why, he said it was because he was unlovable.  I told him that I couldn't of course because once I love, I love for life.  It was too late for me. And then we finished eating pizza.

A man that had entered the back patio at some point and was eating at another table alone heard it all.  As we got up to eat, he made a big pretense with Alex that he wanted to move to our table since we were leaving.  The entire area was empty and there was no shortage of places to sit.  I had walked a little ahead and Alex was scrambling just a bit to juggle all the stuff he had.  The guy stepped in and offered to take care of boy wonder's empty plate and other stuff.  That man just wanted to help in some way.  Alex is awe-inspiring and that man saw the humanity and strength that the boy wonder exhibits every day and simply wanted to support it in some way.  It is kind of a Pacific-Northwest sub-culture kind of thing.  Some of us are just about humanity.


My mind circles back to Alex.  It has been almost four years and he still feels unlovable.  It makes me weep.  Worse yet, he feels that what he has, me and his life, is something he should not have.  A child I would hang the moon for feels he doesn't deserve it.  What if all those very large rocks thrown and 911 desperate calls were because Alex is trying to save me from loving him?

What if all this drama stuff, after his primary goal of not being hit in the face anymore, is somehow tied to him trying to get me to stop loving a child who feels unlovable.  omg.

That would certainly explain a lot.  Despite all the many, many, many doctors and multi-level therapists trying to help, nobody thought about that angle.  What if the boy wonder is attacking me and our life in order to save me from loving an unlovable kid?   I think he is trying to save me from loving him. 

I am humbled by his love and strength.  I am humbled by his estimation of me.  I am humbled by his attempts to sacrifice that which he values most.   I am without words about the fact that he may be willing to go to any length to try and stop me from loving him.  If I am right, then the real focus may not be the emerging repressed memories that are currently appearing as nightmares, but it may be his deep feelings of being unlovable.

Damn them all.  Damn them all for lying to my son and convincing him he is unlovable.   The boy wonder would do all he can to save innocent people from loving the unlovable.  He is just that kind of boy.  A superhero. 

My son has hardened my position about adoption.  I hope that people hear his message.  I remain a blessed mom.  I got the best son of the bunch.  He is the perfect child for me.

Now everyone should just go out there and find their child.  Those children are waiting and hoping for us.