I have to admit I am sad (and then I looked back at all the happy times)

There are some really sweet posts in 2009 that are only a small sampling of how happy this family has been since I found my miracle in Russia.  We have been happy for years and a model family.  We were the American ideal of familial bliss.

That may be what is making this all so hard.  I think that if there had been years of true difficulty, the current situation would not be so unexpected and hard to cope with.  Yet, the bullying Alex received at school last spring brought us all to a very dark place where the monsters dwell.  When the kids were allowed to hit him daily and then threaten him with a knife daily, it was too much.  Something happened.  When a male school aide threw him to the ground something happened.  Alex mentally went away from me and his family.  We were no longer safe.  Thus began this summer.

Alex woke up today, ready to run.  He was belligerent and was so angry at all of us.  He attempted to pick fights.  He told me when I turned my back that I should be glad because he could have run but did not.  Then he told me he might the next time.  I cannot even walk the to end of a room much less into another.  Alex is ready to begin the running and violence.  He is so ready to make us leave him.

My Mom and I got ready.  His little sister attempted to scold him to no avail.  I called neighbors to get ready.  And then counted down the time.  I had given him his morning meds so I was terrified to administer the heavy med the docs had prescribed on Friday.  I asked everyone to wait two hours.  And then three.  And then four hours.  We were in the middle of the afternoon danger zone when Alex normally explosively escalates and I looked into his eyes.  He was ready to kick holes in the walls in order to get out of this house and go. 

I gave him the medicine.  Then I panicked and quickly gave him Benedryl because this medicine has caused severe dystonic reactions in Alex complete with severe neck and body contortions and severe hallucinations.  As I did I then sat down, and my Mom asked me to stop crying.  I just cannot help myself.  There are so many reasons I cry of course. 

I am terrified to do anything thing, by word or deed, that may destroy my son.  I am also so deeply mad at everyone that has made all this happen.  I am even madder at the people that are supposed to help but only make it worse despite me and others paying a lot of money to them.

I hate being the one to decide whether or not to give that pill.  I so hate it that after he takes it I check on him constantly.  I do not believe in this but I need to save my son and this is the best they offer today.

Mostly, I miss my son.  My awesome little boy.  My hero.  He is pushing everything about his life away.  The wreckage is starting to pile up.  It has been months now and the medical inventions have caused further significant harm resulting in further isolating behavior by Alex.  

So I went out and harvested the wild organic garlic I have been growing in the yard this year.  It will be a welcome addition to my Mom's fall cooking.   I also trimmed the lavendar and roses, starting to get ready for fall.  I nailed up portions of the back fence that keep the possums and raccoons out of the backyard so that while my Mom watches the dogs when the rest of us are gone to Utah to help Alex she will not have a problem. 

I have been trying to get the family as ready as possible for moving to another state in order to get help for Alex.  I can be so silly sometimes, I keep trying to wash everything, like that will make us ready.  :) 

Ultimately, I think Alex is desparate for help.  He is desparate to make the monsters go away.  He is like a kid running away from them, overturning everything in his path looking for an shield or a weapon.  He is looking for a way to make them go away.   In the beginning I made the monsters leave.  With the bullying, they came back and I did not make them leave in time.  Unfortunately, the monsters became real so now it is a different game.  

So I am so sad.  And I am tired and financially at a limit.  But then I look back to the happy times.  In our living room is an entire wall decorated with pictures of the family - a happy family.   I look at that wall and I see all the many, many times we were simply filled with joy as a family.  I even see the picture Alex took of me in the Moscow airport at the end of our first trip to meet his sister - I was so tired and so somber about what I saw but I was still happy because my son was taking my picture while I was sipping a latte and waiting for our plane in a super modern airport. 

Then I look at Alex's picture on the living room wall in that same airport, happily eating a peanut butter sandwich and grinning so openly.  His sense of being in a safe world was so deeply entrenched that even going where we went to spend time with his sister did not matter.  We are a happy family.  We love each other.  We even enjoy spending time together - adopting.  It is a family tradition.

What happened to my son has been a terrible thing.  It is taking a terrible toll on us - he, I, the family and our support network.  I begin to suspect that people thought they could not do right by my son and I would just let it go - I would call it enough.    

I refused to say I was done.  This is my son.  He may break my heart over and over again but I love the little guy.

And so we go.  A happy family dealing with a difficult issue.