Home from the Trip

 That was a long trip.  I picked up Alex from the hospital and rushed to the airport to get on the plane.  By the end of the trip the father of a teenage boy sitting next to me was sad for me.  He was such a sweetie and offered to carry my bags for me.  A nice guy.  Every hour I checked the med list I was given at the hospital and then every hour I would pull the pills out and give them to my sweetie.  And yet, Alex was still borderline explosive.  After we transferred to the second plane I didn't think we would make it.  But we did.

We went to the facility this morning and Alex did the new typical RAD thing and pushed me away.  He got mad at me when I told staff about some of his escalation patterns.  He told me to make sure I sent a care box in the mail for him but refused to sit with me during lunch.

The facility seems like a place where some real progress can be made.  Ironically, they are considering putting Alex back on meds similar to what he was on when I adopted him.  They will run tests of course but their position is very similar to that of the Russian doctors.  Doctors here at home have known for the last year that Alex suffers from an auditory processing delay, or a processing disorder, but have done nothing to address the issue.  Where Alex is now does address issues like that as they occur within the brain.  The public school system that allowed Alex to be so horrifically bullied, assaulted, and abused refused even to consider attempting to accommodate this issue. 

So, we will see.  I wonder if the Russian doctors had it right about Alex from the beginning.  How many years has he struggled because the doctors I brought him home to were not as good as the wonderful Russian doctor I met that took care of Alex during the adoption process. 

The place Alex is now at has the same philosophy about bed-time, fun-time activities, routines and school that I have which is such a deep relief.  What is done in the home is based upon extensive training, many hours of therapy input and experience with my kids and foster kids. 

I am hopeful. 

We fly in just a few hours

Gosh I am scared.  What a big step.  So not what any of us wanted.  I think even Alex did not want this.  He keeps searching for help but wants the doctors to validate he is safe here, but they have not.

The fact that is he safe at home and no one will help him see that makes this all so much more heartbreaking.   

Yesterday, staff at Alex's hospital put him on the phone with me after he had been seriously irritated by other kids on the floor.  He was hostile and abusive towards me.   I finally ended the call calmly but I was shaken and scared.  Really scared.  I had not heard my son sound like that - ever.  It was only later staff told me there were serious problems on the unit and they had all the kids isolated in their rooms.  The problems had caused serious anxieties with Alex to escalate which then made him blow up at me.  It was not an Alex issue or a Mom issue but those staff allowed me to be abused and to be scared and didn't even bother to tell me it was their lack of ability to control the floor.   

My son is now on so much medication, which is so not appropriate, it scares even me.  Everyone, the nurses and doctors, know it is not helping but they keep pumping it into him.  My poor sweetie.

If parents think they would still have much a say at this point, please note, you do not have so much.  People will not take care of your child in the way he or she needs, rather your child will be forced to their control paradigm.  If you complain about it because it is actually the inappropriate treatment for a trauma child, they will attack you.  Be prepared.

And you would only still be in this position if you had resisted their insistence during their first meeting with you to release legal custody of your child.  All the doctors try it so they or their staff will not have to answer to you for their failure to help your child.  Stay strong.  Parents need to keep protecting their child and simply being there for them.  In this last year I have also had doctors file complaints with the child protective services in order to remove me as Alex's Mom so that I will no longer have a say about how he is treated.  They also told me that unless I released custody he could not get help for Alex which my insurance tells me is not true.  And my son still has help through my medical insurance so the doctors lied to me.

I was once a State decorated and highly touted domestic foster-to-adopt Mom, after Alex was adopted, so the agency so far has done nothing about these complaints other than investigate and watch.  There have been so many state child protective workers and adoption investigators in-and-out of my home since 2010 there is no possible way there was any basis for anything.  I was the poster Mom for adoption.  Literally.  That is now a story for another day.

I went by earlier today to pick up Alex's stuff so as to pack for the plane ride tomorrow.  His sweet sister came with me. She is so terribly worried that I will put him on a plane back to Russia, to the orphanage.  Of course I would not do that NEVER!!!!!!!!  My kids - they know when they are home - I hate the doctors and their system for not letting Alex understand he will always, ultimately, be home. 

I found the toothbrushes I sent for him plus half of his pants still in the suitcase sent almost seven weeks ago.  For weeks staff had been saying he did not have stuff, but of course he did.  The fact that they didn't care enough to check and/or lie about it, harms your child and causes them to be less than okay towards you.  Is there any recourse, no.  Does it harm your child - I would suggest it depends upon the relationship you had with your child before he/she entered care.  When Alex saw I had sent that stuff in the beginning; it validated the fact that I do take care of him and all the stuff staff had been saying about me for weeks was generally unfounded.  Seeing that stuff confirmed I do always take care of him. Seeing the stuff I had sent for him but staff had not given validated to Alex how our relationship works between mother and child. 

That is so important for these kids.  I want to say keep being the Mom to your child.  NO MATTER WHAT. 

That is worth repeating:  KEEP BEING THE MOM TO YOUR CHILD  - NO MATTER WHAT.

Keep your relationship with your child - on your terms.  Do not walk away that is what everyone will tell you, including the doctors.  That is what your child is expecting so, do not do it. 

Flying to Texas later today with Alex is simply the worse pain a Mother can ever feel.  Yet, I will do it to try and help my child.  My son is the most amazingly wonderful child to know.  He will do great things some day.  I am his third Mom and I refuse to leave him like the others did.  I simply will not.  No matter what. 

I cannot sleep.  My mom cannot sleep.  My daughter sleeps.  I hope my son does though they put him in lockdown earlier and failed to tell me in a timely manner.  Alex worries if his third Mom will stay - even while he does everything he can to push me away.  I am a mountain of love.  I will not move. 

So sweetheart did not come home today

The out-of-state placement agreed to accept Alex and then asked me to have the facility here keep him until I could fly out with him Sunday.  I made a lot of quick phone calls late in the day  and got the hospital and insurance to agree to not discharge today.  If sweetheart had come home today, the out-of-control behavior would have started again.  He told me so on Monday and I absolutely believe him.  He usually does what his says he will do, no matter what adults try to do about it.  I am hopeful that the out-of-state placement will be helpful given they understood that Alex needs to stay where he is until the transfer happens.  I hope they can listen to Alex and listen to me.  If they do, he has a real chance to get better and back to being the happy little boy we all once knew.

Nobody at the hospital could help Alex with his anxiety about it all today.  Once I got everything handled, I tried to call him from work until I could stop by but staff would not put him on the phone. (add your favorite expletive string here!) 

I went and talked to Alex about it.  He was then fine with it all.  I explained everything in detail and why the plan had changed late in the day.  I do not know why the staff did not do that.  At some level I see some marginal improvement with Alex since he did not try and hide his eyes from me.  He still struggled with looking at me and when he did the look of love mixed with intense pain from him was almost too much for me.  He and I have always been very open and honest with one another so he knows I see the pain.  That is one of the side benefits of having a medically fragile child who has had many medical procedures - you both get used to sharing the pain issue.

I see it as an improvement that he is beginning to let me see the pain.  He and I will get there. 

He and I then talked about practical stuff like where were the rest of his clothing and what did he think he was taking when he leaves?  I asked about a really messy pile of paper that is Alex's version of neatly filing papers important to him and he immediately said of course he was taking that stuff - it is the Scooby Doo papers I have brought to him.  :) 

I then went home and hugged my other little one.  And I hugged her again.  And then we went shopping for groceries.   It is something we all love to do as a family.  One lady was charmed when she saw us seriously discussing which cans of vegetables to buy.  That is our family culture - one of happiness, togetherness and everyone having an opinion that is listened to and valued.  I am sad that Alex is not with us currently - he is missing so much happiness and daily joy. 

That being said, I am still listening to his opinion and valuing it.  When he can, he will come home. 

The Hospital Will Discharge Alex Tomorrow Morning

We still do not have a place for him to get help.  It is more than likely the Texas option is not viable and the hospital and insurance company have stopped actively looking for help for Alex.  The house braces for his return.  We have normal life here at home and we are all reluctant to give it up.

Alex has put on a lot of weight given the meds they have been pumping into to him.  I weep for the destruction his physical self.  He was such a natural athletic.  Worse, the meds have made no difference for Alex.

But nobody cares.  Alex desperately wants help.  NO ENTITY will give it to him.  I am his Mom and these people make me mad.  They threaten me.  They do not help Alex. 

I have been strongly encouraged at least five times by medical doctors to give up custody of Alex to the state.  I have strongly refused each time, with explicit reasons not the least being I love him.  Doctors have attempted to report me to CPS which is ironic since I was a model adoptive/foster mom on the domestic side of adoption.  Every doctor and medical facility has made it clear I should stop being Alex's Mom so they can decide what to do with him without my input.

When I refuse, they attack me and attempt to make my life miserable.  I am pretty miserable now.

What I also found out is that the hospital currently he is in has attempted to seriously commit Alex, a child with no determination of serious mental illness, to the State Mental Hospital.  My insurance kept talking about it and the medical doctors admitted that was a serious consideration for them.  I made them do an MRI to confirm there were no brain anomalies and hence, no reason to even consider sending him to the state mental hospital.  Within a day of those findings coming back, everyone is insisting he be discharged and come home.  

When I talk to the hospital, they tell me insurance no longer covers his stay and I am racking up costs of over $2000 a day.  Beginning yesterday!

I then call the insurance company and they tell me his medical bills are covered until the hospital discharges - tomorrow. 

So I have a child, in pain, dealing with a boatload of issues, and the system is attacking me to let him go into their care.  If I had already done that Alex would be committed to the State Mental Hospital with no hope. 

Of course Alex will come home.  He still does not have the help he needs.  The house braces for his return.

I think about the facility not even calling Alex's long term mental heath doctors for over five weeks of treatment so as to consult (Alex has been there six weeks now)  and I wonder what drives this plan to send Alex home.  The doctor that told me last week he did not bother to call those doctors even though he knew them well professionally.  He is now on vacation this week. 

Is Alex better?  Alex says no.  He does not sound better to me, either.   So, while I miss and love my most beloved son, we brace for his reentry into normal life. 

I once told a Russian judge that the American system would help Alex heal and provide support.  I was wrong.

Ironically, Alex is not currently suffering from issues about his time in Russia.  Rather he currently suffers from his abuse after coming home in the public school system.  If I were the Russians I am not sure if I would trust children to the American system either. 

Alex will come home tomorrow.  Please pray for him.  And for the family, too. 

One more thing

In some states it is a criminal offense to give up custody of your child, even for medical reasons.  I found that out after I refused to do so from other sources.  No one tells you that fact either. 

Being a Warrior Mom and Unconditional Love

Once there was a little bunny who wanted to run away. So he said to his mother, "I am running away."

"If you run away," said his mother, "I will run after you. For you are my little bunny."

from The Runaway Bunny by Margaret Wise Brown.

One Attach-China Mom wrote about doing attachment parenting with her daughter:

She is clearly showing me that she likes what I do to stay connected to her, that she needs the assurance that I will not give up, and that she needs to know that I will fight for our relationship. Its almost as if she needs to see me, as her forever mom, fight as hard and as deliberately to keep her as her birth mom was deliberate in letting her go. She needs to repeat this over and over again.

We must constantly fight to win over our children and convince them that we will never break their hearts as their birthmothers did. As much as they push us away, we must pull them back harder. We must show them that we are stronger than they are and we will never give up. We must be Warrior Moms, fighting for their love and trust.  http://attach-china.org/parenting.html


Just let me say, being a warrior Mom sucks.  My son is being so hurtful during this time.  Worse yet, he has his psych nurses convinced I am the problem.  They are so terribly rude to me. 

I spoke with him face-to-face for just a few minutes this week and he is in so much pain.  And so terribly depressed.  These children that test us still hurt so much.  As a Mom it tears me apart to see him in so much terrible pain.  At one point, after looking at me for less than a minute while I inadvertently looked at him with love, Alex covered his eyes and started scrubbing them.  I think if he thought he could, he would have tried to tear his eyes from his head so that he could no longer see the look of unconditional Mama love.  I looked away and let him create space. 

Unconditional Love.  Wow.  We all need it and demand it from those we hold dear.  It comes back to us in varying degrees.  In the right families it exists within the family units and difficulties are weathered over time.  That was I experienced as a child.  There were tragedies that we weathered as a family that did not impact my ability to be an okay person on the planet.  Given the current situation family still gives me that unconditional love even when I am being less than perfectly behaved.  So many people have given me so many opportunities to be less than happy recently.

One fact no one told me when I began the process of adoption was that once I needed medical care for Alex's mental state, every doctor I encountered would attempt to talk me into giving up custody of him.  I never even considered such an option and one doctor attempted action against me for refusing to do so.  Whatever.  What I have learned by refusing to do what they try to tell me to do is that they really do not do much after a parent signs over custody.  The current facility has failed to inform and/or follow-up on several medical instances that if I no longer had custody, I would have no way to make them do what is medically necessary.  Like an EKG for the heart issues their meds create.  Or like the failure to provide him with the vitamin supplements he needs, pursuant to their own blood tests. Done over five weeks ago, without my knowledge.  They even failed to connect with his long term mental health providers so Alex is now in his sixth week of residence in an unit where he should have only been 7 days.  And we still do not have a discharge date.  Idiots.

If I had listened to even the latest doctor (he seemed so nice and sincere) I would have no voice about anything, including Alex's treatment going forward.  if I had done what the doctors had pressured me to do - that is give up custody, Alex would have no one there for him!  I did not.  Of course, not - he is my son.  Even when the doctors threatened me with no ability to get treatment for him, I refused.  I have insurance after all, so how could that not be enough especially since members of Congress have the same coverage?  I refused to listen that what I had in place for insurance was not good "enough!"  I had to have excellent insurance to begin with in order for the Russians to even allow me to adopt Alex.  That insurance has always helped get Alex the help he needs so I did not listen to the threats.  It was hard.  That was the sixth attempt by doctors to make me release custody for medical care reasons.

And I was right.  My insurance is providing help.  And care. The hospital Alex is currently in at one point explored the possibility of committing Alex to the State Mental Hospital.  Not because he has any serious illness other that extreme anxiety and RAD but because they did not want to have him in their unit anymore.  Worse they didn't tell me about it (they forgot I still retained custody because no one does) and my insurance told me.  The doctor was extremely upset that I found out about it. 

I am now having a series of tests done to protect Alex from any further attempt to hastily label him fit for easy disposal.  And I am working with my insurance company and others to find the proper care for Alex while he resolves his attachment issues as they intersect with his being bullied last year.

Alex still is mad, sad and so terribly desperate for help.  The likelihood that we can do much more cosmetic reconstruction of his face is small since we will have to wait until the bones grow in his face.  Alex will remain an easy target for those who would harm.  I will continue to do my best to stop that harm.

I remain the Warrior Mom.  That is my job after all.  My unconditional love for this child remains strong.  He is the child of my heart.  I will not let go.  That is what being a Mom means after all.

Thank you Mom for teaching me this lesson.  You rock! 

Loving from the heart out

That is something I said on this blog before Alex came home.  It still sums up my approach to Alex.  I love him from the heart out.  There are no expectations to that Mama love.  He is my hero.  My Mama eyes still see what he does.  My Mama knows why he does what he does.  I still love and adore that so stubborn little boy. 

That being said, Alex is working on attempting to break everyone in the system to his will.  He expects me to come in and slay all that oppose to his will when he determines he is done with them.  I am not doing that and letting the people who were so difficult to me while I tried to warn them suffer.  The hospital he has been at has admitted defeat.  He will not comply with their models of "what should work."  The facility has repeatedly refused to do what I tell them works.  Late today, people told me they are looking at options, some of which place sweetie out-of-state. 

I am talking to all the non-medical people I know about what they think.  I am talking to all the best Moms I know.  Decisions I make now will have ramifications to our future.  I want the normal family life we had back.  I miss Alex.  His family misses him.  His friends miss him.  His dog misses him so terribly much.  His life misses him. What we do not miss is his reign of terror. 

The meaning of love.  I still search for the meaning of love.  That being said I know that I love Alex from my heart out as I search for a meaning that can begin to encompass what I feel for this child.  Everybody knocks me down as I love this child.  I still don't care.  I love my son.  I just will not be hurt anymore.

I remember talking with another Mom who also hovered around the cameras while our sons were in the isolation rooms.  Her son was in his thirties and was living in a group home.  He had been domestically adopted.  His Mom still was there while staff worked to stabilize him.  We should have exchanged information to get together later but we did not.  We were so focused on our children and making sure they got what they needed we forget to go ahead and be there for each other. 

I do not know what the future holds for us.  Alex and the family have paid such a terrible price for the effects of him being bullied.  It is a price we all will continue to pay - every day.  It makes me cry.  And we all still have to get up every day and have a life. 

A child is lost

A mother grieves.  There is simply no other way to talk about it.  Alex has been hospitalized in the pysch unit for 11 days now.  This hospital generally only holds a patient for 7 to 10 days before transfer to home or another facility.  The hospital cannot stabilize Alex long enough to even consider transfer. 

Alex is also breaking all of the orthodontic devices out of his mouth.  What is left he can use to break teeth.  I plead with the doctors to get the rest of it out.  The psych unit does not acknowledge that his breaking of the devices in his mouth warrant a determination of actual intent to cause self-harm.

At this point staff is attempting to placate him to make the records appear he is stable enough to transfer to a facility.  So far Alex has unintentionally made their plans fail.

I grieve for my son.  When a child enters the mental health institutional roulette wheel of care, family members and prior treating doctors are disregarded.  The best interests of the child and the appropriate care for their issues is not considered.  All must comply with the boxes these new people in charge insist upon.  These people know nothing of his landscape of trauma, but they still try to tell him what to do.

My poor sweetie.  I did not teach him to comply with random dictates that counter his survival instincts.  Now Alex finds himself in a world where landscape of reality has changed - and he refuses to take my hand so that I can help him though the bewildering forest of change.  Alex is mad at the world, himself and me.  He now attacks me because I dare to love him and try to save him from himself.

This merry-go-round of drama-trauma started 13 months ago when Alex mentally broke after being assaulted at knife point on school grounds because the escalating bullying at school did not stop despite him telling me about it for over six weeks and me telling the school officials about it every day. 

It is like the phone conversations I now have with the pysch unit - I tell them, x, y and z about Alex and how to help him and then they disregard me.  It feels just like when I told the school officials like the teacher that Alex could not continue to endure what I was literally watching in her class real-time.  I told that teacher that was happening in her class to Alex was worse that what he endured in the orphanage.  Yet, that abuse of him continued until he broke. 

So my Mama heart weeps tonight.  I hope that Alex finally stopped making weapons out of his clothing and went to sleep.  Since the bullying last year he has struggled with sleeping unless he is on the family living room couch or in my bedroom.  At the same time I know that my son is right and he needs to start arming himself from those that would harm him.  He has a long way to go before his face will look normal to others.  Maybe the family loving Alex gives him the courage to start arming himself and stop hurting himself.  I know his grandmother would applaud any offensive to protect him.

A family mourns.  And a child remains lost.  May God watch over us all. 

Alex has gone to stay in the hospital for a few days

I love my son.  No matter what else happens, I love my son.  Sometimes he is the best of what I am as a person.  And then another child comes to visit our life and things go so seriously wrong. 

Alex staying in the hospital is not a decision I made lightly.  I did it to save Alex from literally killing himself in public.  Since Alex has gone to stay in the hospital during what will be a week to ten day visit, I have already gotten many calls about him.  People ask - "how did you keep him home for so long?"  I tell them - I love him.  He is my son.  And when I asked for help for him months ago, doctors simply sent him back to me.  What else was I to do?

When he was admitted into this psychiatric medical unit, I went home.  I sat down that first evening and fell asleep for over an hour and a half.  I cannot remember the last time I felt that relaxed.  The next day, after I visited my hairdresser for an appointment months overdue, I went to bring Alex some clothing and a toy.  I arrive on the unit and he is out of control.  I hear him yelling and I am still outside the unit.  They let us in and Alex is raging while they are trying to put him into seclusion.  It takes five security guards and two medical nurses to get that door closed while Alex is raging. 

Alex keeps trying to get hurt with that door and the people.  I finally leave and go home.  The next day I got several calls while I simply did stuff around the house. Alex ripped out the supports to his partially reconstructed hard palate.  I so wanted to run down to the hospital and be there with him.  But I did not.   

On Sunday, I took my daughter with a friend to Build-A-Bear.  It was supposed to be a trip for both kids.  It was a wonderful time and then my friend suggested a trip to the Oregon Coast.  It was a wonderful day.  We all had so much fun. 

I only got a call three times about Alex being in seclusion.

At the end of the day, Alex, who did not know what we were doing, called to check in.  He told me he loved me.  He then learned from his sister that he had missed the Build-A-Bear trip.  He seemed to handle the news okay though he was mad at me for not making a bear for him.  

Alex told me he had a good day.  Alex wants to be the boy I know and love.  He wants me there to make him feel better.  He misses me.  He also wants to be free of being helped.  Alex will continue to any and every thing he can to destroy himself and me.   Being a mother that is there for their child can be so terribly difficult.

I do not know what it will take, but we need to find a way to help Alex.  I have not posted on this blog but Alex had a very good reason last year to begin down this path that he has.  He was so terribly harmed last year and much of what is now our family reality has been caused by the actions of people outside our family. 

A family doing what they do

I have now been home for weeks - no working - getting things to calm down. 

Is it calmer?  More or less.  We are coming up on a month of no running with a slight recent public tantrum requiring transport.  Afterwards Alex apologized for getting mad and losing his temper.  It had been an amazingly fun day complete with rides and ice cream cones.

It seems to remain a combination of control issues, love and safety.  It is also about testing boundaries.  I often wonder what Alex has been told by kids at school about families.  In the beginning me and the school district moved Alex into the most protected environment but now I wonder about the kids he met there.  The school district destroyed all their records from his time there so all that is left is what I have from them during that time.  While what I have shows Alex was a model student, it does not tell me what he was exposed to during his time there. 

My job situation is at end of dealing with the extremes that the situation the bullying and assault in the school system last year has caused. What I do with that reality I do not yet know. 

Alex is scheduled to go summer day camp in just a few days.  He and I are so very excited about it.  The camp people are worried.  There are federal funds given to them to accommodate kids like Alex but they may not allow him to go.  I hope we all are able to work it out. 

My main focus, after the kids of course, is the fact that most people simply eat too high up on the food chain, me included.  Especially during this time of serious long-term stress.  I am working on getting back to the vegan option, which is closer to a balance with the earth.  My kids eat what they need to be what they need to be.  Ironically they independently and consistently choose the vegetarian option.  My sweeties - I will not have to worry about them being nutritionally unhealthy as they get older.  That is a blessing.

Since I always feel better when I eat what is closer to veganism, I wonder how much my struggle with eating habits mimic my children's' struggle with their life issues?  I know what feels better but then I intentionally deviate.  My kids do the same thing.  How different are our life issues - really? 

Ultimately, we are a family who loves one another.  I will probably wake up tomorrow and worry about the day and all the possible problems, but I will love my kids.  I will probably be more likely to constrain a situation that is necessary so as to ensure a sense of normalcy.   More than likely my kids will do everything to make it a good day too.  And they will love me.  I already love them - no matter what.  My Mom will add her presence to balance it all out. 

We are a family doing what we do.  We love one another.