And so there it is - I wait.

I loved the training but I missed my dogs. They are such good babies. And tonight has been wonderful, they were so happy to see me and they have been being extra well-behaved. Of course I missed them so much that even if they had chewed holes in the walls I would have been happy to get their kisses. I love being home and basking in all the love abounds in its walls.

Of course I met a lot of wonderful people at the training but nothing compares to being home. And Seattle made me kind of homesick for Russia. I hadn't really expected that. The hotel I stayed at was the same type of Marriott I stayed in while in Moscow and the decor was almost entirely exact since the hotel put me in a newly renovated room. So when I stepped into the room my heart thought for a second I was back in Russia. Every time. Every single time. I guess the heart just wants what it wants. Anyway ...

Seattle is a city built on a sound much like Vladivostok so there were moments when it was like I would see a sort of echo in the way an alley would angle or how steep the street would suddenly climb away from the bay. Ironically both are located on sounds that are on the Pacific Ocean side of their countries, though in the case of Vladivostok one has to skip onto the Sea of Japan so as to hop over Japan itself before landing in the pond called the Pacific Ocean. :)

That being said I would like to be headed back to Russia soon (but not in the insane speed sense of two weeks since it really messes with good airline prices) so as to go to court and petition for the little one. From the beginning I have always been okay with this process because I know the people want to make sure, make doubly sure, that the families the children go to are the right families. I would not have it any other way. At the same time my heart hurts for my little one as he waits. He was ready to go home with his mother (me - in his mind) in March and I think that each day after that last meeting is hard for him. I wanted to introduce the little one by way of our the first meeting but the last part of the last day fits best at this time so please bear with me.

Of course I knew from the beginning I would accept him no matter the particulars. On the second day I asked Lana to work with me to explain to the little one how I was going to ask to adopt him but after our visit the following day I would have to leave for awhile after before I would be able to come back and take him to his new home. I wanted to give him the ability to know what was going on and if, when I came back tomorrow and he was mad, I wanted to give him that opportunity to tell me how he was not happy about it all. Or any part thereof. One of the things is that seems to happen to adopted children is they are not given enough "off ramps" for their emotions about thier situation so I totally wanted him to have that to the extent possible. Frankly I would have taken more time on the first trip to do that but the process does not bend to that change of pace.

He was so stoic. Such joy and then a punch to the gut. He was so hurt while being so stoic. You could see it in his face. As much I never want to hurt him, I wanted him to know how it would go so that he could have some sense of understanding and control over his situation. And if he wanted to say no he had a chance. A small possibility but I wanted to give him that opportunity because this is a life choice for both of us. After a small pause he indicated it would be okay if I adopted him.

On the last day, we got there early. The assistant director took me to her office and we chatted becasue the little one's group was still down for a nap. The teenage boy who had asked another adoptive family to adopt him (and they agreed!!) joined us and just stood there and glowed. The familythat is adopting that young man are seriously blessed. He is such a wonderful child and he was so happy to be adopted. The assistant director's happiness at my understanding Russian was so uplifting and soothing to my frazzled nerves at being in a country where I sometimes understand the language perfectly fine and at other times I get totally scrambled because I cannot understand my food choices you cannot image. :) She is such a dear, dear woman.

Anyway, someone came into the office and told us the little one was awake and had been asking if his mother was there yet! Wow! Lana and I had been very clear to tell the little one he did not have to call me mother or consider me such. There is no way I am in this for that surface ego stroke, rather I am here to get the little home for family and love. Titles are ultimately meaningless but of course love abounds.

To make a long story short, in his mind - and my heart - I am his mother. I am just there because I love him but it was never my intent that I absolutely be his mother. Of course he has a large part of my heart and the current main focus of my life is to nuture and love him. If he is okay with thinking about me as his life mother I am just more happy. Ultimately I am just happy to be able to be there for him. On to the story.

Throughout the final visit he pulled everything out of my bag and held as if it was the last time he would ever see it. Even though I told him (in Russian with the new taranslator confirming) I would be back, he did not believe at the gut level. It is hard to dissuade children from that level of response. The Cheburashka doll I had brought he just kept squezzing and playing (a first day story!) because it was clear it would dissappear with me.

Of course the toy did not disappear with me but that entire last day for him was an emotional tug-of-war about having a mother and then her leaving. In his mind the mother left despite having caught me close and telling me she loved me in Russian. And there were gifts that touched my (little one's) heart and soothed my (the little one's) need to have someone try to provide that soothing. Now she is gone. How awful. Even more awful is the wait.

So that is what I live with. I am grateful to be back home after doing something to distract me from worrying about my little one waiting. And to my little one any thing less than me showing up with a ride to take him home is not acceptable. Everyday I wait to hear that I can finalize the approach take the little one home.

Personally, my Mom has always been there to soothe even a momentary bump in the road of my life. I still wait to be there for my little one so as to soothe the bumps in his road of life as he needs them to be for balance.

Maybe it is harder adopt an older child but I would say the markers on the path are so much clearer. I do not have to guess so much. He indicates so much clearer his emotional and ego nurtureing needs so that I am less likely to miss them. I see the pain and if I miss others fill in the blanks. Even the other children. Children are not blank slates there to be reinvented, rather they look to us to just be who they are.

So there it is - I wait.

Dusting and Tidying up some last minute issues on the list ...

I traveled to Seattle this week for training since I am still waiting to go to Russia. It is kind of a cool class about leadership styles and techiques. It was on my list of things to take if I had time and seemed to be a good time. Two weeks ago I recertified for First Aid and CPR. It is interesting how things change over time and there is a lot of new and good information out there. The EMT who taught the class was fantastic and because he has two small children and was able to give the class additional tips about first aid for children which was a nice bonus. He also had an infant dummy to practice CPR with and it made a world of difference to experience what that might be like. I have read about the procedure but had never really had a chance to practice it. I personally was really happy to discover my my hands would comfortably span a baby thereby allowing me to use my thumbs for CPR while supporting the little one. Of course I am adopting an older child but I feel so much more comfortable about giving CPR to a little one.

Ironically, on the way to that class a cyclist crashed into the back of a stopped car right in front of me. As I learned in the class we all did everything right. Apparently, stopping was the first thing. Calling 911 as we were running to the downed man was another. The book from the class also listed the Russian equivlant of 911 and it is totally getting put on my phone before I go back. I so love my cell phone. Thank goodness the cyclist was conscious and the emergency people got there super fast. It made me a few minutes late to class but as the EMT said during introductions - what is being a little late to something if you save a life? At the break I told him why I was late and he just smiled.

Anyway, I am getting things done. The cross stitch project is almost done but for a few more rays on the halo. Unfortunately the orange trim awaits for my return home. Believe it or not I pretty much took the summer off from my Russian studies. Yes, I listen to Russian music and the Cheburashka CD but for the most part I took a break. Okay for I practice conversation senarios when I ride into work in the morning but I think that may not count.


That being said, I have spoken with the universty department and they are willing to work with my need to be in Russia for the little one so back to class I will go. They want me to also take the phonetics class this year to help with the little one's speech issues and I am thinking about that. I both look forward to the language class itself and dread it at the same time. I love it because I love the language which seems so lyrical to me. I love the flow of the words. I love writing it. At the same time I think all Russians must be very smart because it is such a difficult language to learn. I remember my first quarter. During finals Galina our teacher left the room (it is not as if we could cheat from one another) and one of the student finally started banging her head on the table. Literally. It made us all laugh.

It is not an easy language quickly learned. But is rewarding. Recently, at work someone introduced me to a city police officer working with my agency who was from Russia. We talked briefly and someone asked him - could you understand her? He said yes, she speaks Russian. That is good enough for me.

So as I sit and try to be patient (I was such a wiggler on Sunday mornings) I reflect on being thankful that I still have time to fuss with details in getting ready for the little one to finally be home. From the beginning it was my intent to give the child I adopted the very best life I could. I mean that from every level. Since life is never perfect I continue to find little bits I want to fuss with. Once he gets here everything will change I will have no time for all the fussing which is how it should be. Once he is here that is when it all begins and I cannot wait. Of course until then I will I just need to stop wiggling and fussing :) I hope this posts finds everyone well. I keep you in my prayers and I hope that you will keep me in either your prayers or thoughts. Have a fantastic Tuesday and take care, Sarah :)

Yeah - today was not the day ...

I want to thank everyone for keeping me in their prayers and thoughts. I treasure all that outpouring of love and support. And it will happen when it will happen. There are a couple of documents still needing to be dealt with before the date will issue from the court. I hope it all gets taken care of soon. And I will have to update the medical certification because it expires at the end of the month. Kind of a bummer but then there are still lots of stuff to take care of before the little one arrives.


My realtor was really sweet and emailed me this week wanting to throw me a shower for the little one. People at work have already insisted on throwing one so I was totally speechless. I had never even thought about it. I think I have already bought too much stuff for him. If you asked Lana, my translator in Vlad, she would definately agree. I really do not need anything other than maybe some clothing but I was kind of waiting until I was about to get on the plane because kids can grow so fast. I am actually of half a mind to wait until I get there so that I can buy stuff that will reasonably fit him.


Also, I can continue to save for what I call the SUV of the bike world, which is a nifty bike from the Netherlands and can be seen at this link http://clevercycles.com/store/?c=web2.68. I currently commute to work by bike year round. So even while there is a train just around the corner from my house that takes all of nine minutes to deliver me to work, I still insist on suiting up in the cold and rainy dark of winter so that I can bike to work. That being said, I am not inclined to subject the little one to the same extreme conditions, hence my intent to buy this SUV. It comes with a severe weather cover and the front section is roomy enough so that serious gear can be added to keep him warm. Even though he will go to the Russian elementary school immersion program in our public school system (the only one of its kind in the country - check out the link! http://enrollment.pps.k12.or.us/.docs/pg/11139) I will still use the SUV bike for commuting for the family. And fun family weekend outings with the little one and my Dalmatian Louie. The Labrador Gabrielle would never come - she might have to expend energy getting in and out of the bike. :)


I ended my week with friends. My friend Maggie suggested we take another friend, Dolena, out for a late birthday celebration. A few more friends joined and it was a wonderful time. The place we picked to meet was hosting a Red Hat Society gathering and it was an amazing experience. Some of those hats are way too gorgeous. I want one!!


So the day ended on a sweet note. That is good enough today for me. I hope that everyone has an awesome weekend. Me I will probably be painting that orange trim. A greater love has no Mom. Take care, Sarah

So it is 6 p.m. in Vlad ...

And I cannot sleep. At this moment I am not sure if I am more ready to be joyful or terrified. Oh my goodness, my son may almost be home. I guess I should really finish the orange trim in his room. (His idea not mine!!). It is moments like this when I am grateful God is in charge of it all. It is all so amazing. Take care, Sarah

Maybe I go to Russia Soon!!!

I may get a court date by the end of the week! Please keep us in your prayers. Pretty please. :) :)

And I keep working on the little one's room. The last thing to be done was the trim. When I was in Russia he indicated orange was his favorite color which is a hard option during room decoration. That being said I finally decided to use colors that match (unintentionally) the artwork on the book "The Most Precious Thing" by Gill Lewis and Illustrated by Louise Ho. :) :) :)

So I keep working on drafting a how I first met the little one but I also just sent out an email to another family who is considering adopting a cleft child. If anyone thinks what I may have said is interesting just let me know and I will post my silly thoughts on the matter. Take care, Sarh

I spent a lot of time in the gym today!!!

Believe it or not doing all those silly exercises helps to even everything out. And I did a lot of thinking about everything today. I remembered I have such a totally cool life. There are so many amazing people in my life. And there are so many people waiting for the little one to come home so that they can all meet him. I always think I live so quietly but I cannot believe how many people in my life simply expect, nay demand, up-to-the-minute news. And they have already made clear they expect to see him frequently. It is my quiet life for goodness sakes - these people even rarely see me - truly. Much less my academic studies - I live in awe of those people. :0 (I will talk about them in a later post - Dr. Freels is so totally way cool I cannot believe it!!!!!)

The total all - it is so wonderful I simply stand in awe of it all. :) I simply fell in love with a little one and then him for me. It all seemed so simple even though it is complex and difficult. I never considered anyone else would want to hear the story. After others prodded me it occurred to me that it might be helpful to others if I shared my stories from my first trip given it was such an awesome experience. The picture at the top of this page was taken on the bay in Vlad by another fantastic adopting family. They are such an inspiration to me. The sweetness of Peter telling Masha goodnight will never leave me. Of course we bring our children into our lives but his sweetness of giving her comfort while in the embrace of her new family will always make my heart remember. I was not blessed to see Peter welcome his sons after the process was done. But I know it went well!!!!

Such amazing people. That bay is edged by a small amusement park that was closed when we were there in March. I had hoped to take the little one there during the return trip since it was to be open in the summer but that may not happen.

Good thing in a way because then I would have some justification for buying that coat in the pic which while it was on a closeout sale (February in Portland is like spring in other places) but it still cost a bit. Soooo if I could use it for another really cold trip to Vlad my fiscally conservative feelings would be soothed. I am thankful that my mother, after my father died, took the family north to Montana in search of the perfect small town so that I could understand some places on the planet get really really cold - hence the coat. And the serious supply of the long underwear that helps out. And if you adopt in Vlad in the winter do not forget to get good footwear.

Tonight I will refrain from describing the most wonderful first meeting with my son simply because it needs to be done properly. It was such a wonderful experience that I want to make sure I get it all exactly right for everyone. That being said, I would note it is important to be busy and engaged while going through this process. My going to the gym is simply the tip of the iceberg. :)

One thing I did once I decided to adopt a waiting child was to read even more books on adoption and the adopted child. And the medical issues - I have read so much I can literally quote stats about the particular issues which makes me a somewhat cranky mama when people try to gloss over stuff because they see me as a non-medical person. I have read through such huge piles of stuff (in English and Russian) such that when people approach me about wanting to learn about adoption, I can pull books out addressing their specific issues. But I ultimately feel that is still a surface situation. The most important thing is being ready to love from the heart out.

I tend to do that anyway but I think we all need to remember it is how the heart loves that helps the children grow best. I have been, and continue to, work so hard to make sure I am a good mom that, even though I always keep before me the little ones absolute insistence his mother would come for him (that is a story for another day), I still fall into the trap of focusing on that which I can control in the day-to-day drone of existence.

So I try to refocus on his issues. One of the things I did when I decided to adopt him was to begin a cross-stitch design to commemorate this family event. It is totally cool and can be found at http://www.tiag.com/ (click on Angel of Mercy II). I started it the day I filed the paperwork. It was originally a design I had bought to make for my sister and her youngest but never got around to it. I worked on it to trips to D.C. for work. I worked on it on planes to Russia. I worked on it during the daily six plus hour drives from Vlad to his orphanage. This offer of love currently rules my nights and weekends. It is my gift to him. Of course I love him and I am already the mother of his heart but I wanted him to see that love is sometimes simply a gift that has nothing to do with food, clothing or shelter. :) Or even boy things because moms are simply loving and somewhat sappy. :)

And maybe when he is a young man (soon to be) and I am late taking him to school for the last time, he will remember that I have always been there making forever memories for him - even if I forget near deadlines.

So I think I have gone on just a bit so I will say good night. Take care and take love out into the world - Sarah :)

Thank you everyone! It is all good even though it may not be roses :)

So I am still trying to figure out how to respond to everyone. I know, I know, it is just a simple click (probably) but I am so overwhelmed by the love I forget to figure that part out. And I have been seriously working on the little one's issues.

And life has just been so crazy. I am sure I have told people before but I kind of work in a zoo. It pays well enough but the residents are a bit touched. And last week was a bit over top. It is like, people cannot really act like that - but of course they do.

And today - well today took a bit of work so as to get up the hill. I always say if God brings us to it he will bring us through it but geez, this one took some deep breaths. Several weeks ago a family (not CHI) who adopted a cleft child out of China recommended a doctor to contact given she specialized in international adoption. I totally love my family doctor Kathleen given she is so way cool, but she recently moved to southern Oregon due to family issues I thought I would at least talk with this new doctor that is within biking distance of my job.

I have never been one to simply settle but that doctor's visit today felt a lot like that. Even though they sent me initial paperwork in the child's name the visit today was handled as if I was the new patient. At every turn I was simply waived onto the next person as I tried to explain they had the wrong take on why I was there.

So then the visit went on. The doctor came in and took my family history of health. It was like I was being plugged into some kind of impersonal matrix of health information. It is even computerized and I was told I should be comforted by that fact. Suddenly that form I needed to sign and submit in order to keep my little one's information being subjected to anonymous genetic testing started sending off large alarm bells in my head. This situation is not the caring help and sensitive transition I am seeking for my little one.

At some point the doctor realized the visit was not about me but it was for the little one. The doctor then indicated that she did not do these kind of visits at this location but somewhere else. Then she adjusted and focused on the little one - sort of. I tried to make sure the doctor understood the little one was a bilateral cleft palate child with some in country surgery and there were other medical issues. (DuH!!!)

After not really listening to me the doctor started to review my hand written notes about what I was told in Russia about the little one's medical history (after not listening to me). Later those notes were copied. Anyway, at the start of those notes there was a note that there was smoking and alcohol consumption during pregnancy. So, ironically, I was then treated to a tentatively approached yet strongly pursued conversation about the most overt physical manifestations of FAS. Like potentially an overly flat section beneath the little one's nose. Given he was a bilateral cleft he didn't really have a nose before the wonderful doctors in Russia did two surgeries so that was not a real good help.

At this point I am seriously sad about this whole interaction but I decide to not stand up, wave my hands at the idiocy and walk out. Overt behavior can so get you in trouble. :) So then the doctor told me there was probably an unnaturally flat area around his eyes. I said I was aware this possibility and had not observed such. It really felt like I was really rowing up against the current at this point. I frankly cannot imagine what it would have felt like if I had the little one home. This is seriously hard work. And the prejudice makes me even sadder.

Anyway, finally, the doctor looked at the pics. I had only marked a couple of pics in the photo album I have prepared for court so as to show the doctor some of my specific concerns but she looked at them all. As a mom I was most concerned about discussing his need for muscle therapy, his eye sight, the need for bridge, blah, blah, blah. But she looked at all the pictures - even the one I took on day two of my beloved morning cup of coffee. And she did not address my blah, blah, blah.

So after I left, called my Mom and complained. I love my boy and I am not happy with anyone who interferes with his best interests, no matter who that may be in this world. It is obvious that this was not the doctor for us.

Life is silly. But it is good. And these children are just there, quietly waiting for us to get past it all and bring them home. Keep the faith and God bless. And I ask you to please pray for the little one - and however God decides. It really is all good in his hands - just believe. :) Sarah

Sorry for checking out for awhile ...

Some of those who I love so well reminded me that people would like updates so here I go. ALL THE PAPERWORK IS DONE!!! YEAH!!! And the little one's room is mostly done. I am not sure if I talked about it before but when I asked him what his favorite color was he indicated orange. Tangerine orange to be exact. (I personally thought - ick!!) That made this mama-to-be sad given I was hoping to paint his room in the said favorite color when the expected response was to be blue or green. A sign of what it is to be mom. I cannot wait for the horny toads of which my mother remembers so fondly. A total yuck.

I have struggled to accommodate his indication and find resolution between his preference and my inane American need to personalize his room. It seems so like such a silly thing but as many of you know those of who wait try and fix that which is in our control and let God deal with the rest. Hence, the trim in the yellow room will be orange and there are accents that should even out everything aesthetically.

The best thing about the room is that it will reflect the Russian cartoon character Chebrushka which, to the little one, is the story of his life. The little one is a cleft child and while Russia has been fantastic in giving him a functional face and nose, others still tease him. He of course thinks he is beautiful and I thank God for a picture of that moment. On the first day I met him he kept squeezing the toy I brought for him. Then the caretaker (who is so fantastic!) did the same thing so on the second day I asked to stop at a toy store and bought the only stuffed toy that made a sound when squeezed. I found out later it was a well-known Russian cartoon character. In the story, a strange creature arrives somewhere in Russia in an orange crate. To my American eyes Chebrushka looks like a cross between a monkey and a panda bear. Anyway, in the story Chebrushka has no friends because he looks kind of funny until he is befriended by a crocodile, finds a home, other friends and goes to school.

Once I gave that doll to my little one he walked around and played it non-stop until I asked the translator what the toy was singing (my Russian was not up to that!). So it all works out. God puts us on the path. It is our job simply to put one foot in front of another. And trust. And now his room is done in a monkey theme. It is nice since my favorite stuffed toy was a monkey when I was a kid. Seems like a good fit.

On to other things. I finished my art history classes with A's. Now am going to the gym daily in addition to biking to and from work. And I study Russian daily even though it often drives me to my knees. It helps to be distracted. It really does. In addition to getting the little one's room finished I painted most of the first floor of my house. While the more public rooms are done in a tasteful plum and watercolor lily, the master bath was treated to an intense pink. It is so pink it made the adjacent hallway glow. Wow. :) I might have to repaint that next year but for now it really kick starts the day.

So I continue to wait for the travel email. At 5 plus months it hurts. It is my little boy I need to bring home. But I keep finding things to handle for the little one. Portland Oregon public schools have a federal grant for full Russian immersion from kindergarden through high school and I have been working with people to get the little one in sync with it all. There is no other program like it in the country. In addition, Portland has two medical centers that have state-of-the-art, international traveling, cleft palete intervention teams one of which is connected to our Children's hospital so he is covered for medical issues as well as educational needs. As soon as we land, I call and he is in process so that we can evaluate what he needs now. He was a baby when I started this adoption and now he is a young man. My heart hurts.

I miss him so much. People ask me why I adopt internationally, and frankly I am still not sure of the answer. I know I was searching for my child and God brought me to him. He is such a wonderful child and I am so lucky. Thank you God.

I ask you all, if you will, to pray that we finish all this silly legal process stuff soon so that the little one can come home. He is the most amazing child. When I look at him all I can say is WOW.

Hello all! The paperwork continues to cycle through. I sent off over a dozen apostilled documents to St. Louis over the weekend. It still seems like there are still several left. On Friday, Children's Hope notified families adopting out of Vladivostok that there are two new requirements: an FBI check and a no Sexual Predator history certification. It is amazing how this all gets done.

Anyway I met with the group at work about the little one's shower which will now be held after he is home. I am thinking about registering at Sears because they replace clothing or shoes that a child either outgrows or destroys too soon for free. Since he will be leaving Russia with nothing, I suspect I need serious help in gettng him outfitted. Other than that I have my heart kind of set on getting him a Playmobil Airport set. And all the little extras. He and I will go through several airports before we get home and I thought it would be something he could see as a bridge from Vlad to Portland and all that entails. So that is totally going on the list.

And I am almost done with Art History classes for the year. They are hard but I may be done with those for the degree. If so, I can focus on the Russian language classes next year. I can hardly wait. Even better, with the school year ending I can pay more attention to the children I sponser in Russia. Even if children cannot be adopted they need someone to love and care for them. And I have the best and most wonderful sponser children. I am so proud of them. I am so looking forward to writing them more and letting them know I care about them.

So, off I go. I need to write at least one page on Japanese shogunate castles before I go to bed tonight. Take care and God Bless. - Sarah :)

So the paperwork goes. Hopefully it gets done soon. And the best thing of all is that people at work are meeting with me on Wednesday to plan a "shower" for my little one. How cool is that. Of course I have no idea what to ask for - just having him home would be enough. I got him that totally cool multi-directional bunkbed from America the Beautiful Dreamer AND a lifetime supply of the most excellent bubbles so I think we are set. And there are the tons of other toys (mostly gifts) and the complete children's library compliments of my dear dear friend Nancy. Everyone who sees it is blown away by its size. Thank you Nancy.

And I did the update with the social worker and she is so wonderful. That is one of the things I like most about my agency is the people. They are what helps me remain so calm and centered. Now I kind scurry around and try to be ready.

I did have a great sadness in my life recently given I put my oldest and most favorite Dalmatian to sleep at the beginning of May. Her name was Good Golly Miss Molly, Molly for short. She was ill and even though we seemed to be winning the medical battle we lost the war even with around the clock care. It was a very sad time. It seems better now but I still miss her.

And school is getting closer to being done. I woke up today dreaming about Shogon palaces and portraits of Zen buddhist monks. That was a cool place to begin a day. Work did its best to dent that morning glow but it fell short. So tonight I cuddle with my other Dalmatian, Louie and go back to dreaming.

Tonight I dream of a sunrise in Moscow. Pray for us and take care, Sarah :)