Today I stayed home

I would have preferred work. The day started like any other Sasha "out of control" day. Some danger to a cat was involved. So I stayed home. When he is like this only I can deal with him. And I am the only one he will let deal. So it goes.

And Sasha's hand is in my jacket pocket and I am trying to not cry because today is another day I will not bike to work. Today is another day I will not actually be at work to do what I love. Today is another day I will not hit the gym or treadmill. Today is a day I will be there for Sasha. It is gruelling. Mom and I sort of trade off on catnaps to deal.

At some point all that early work I did in law comes out and I start asking Sasha how did the orphanage deal with all of his behavior? Yeah I am pretty miserable but mostly I just want to know what he can tell me. I am not proud but I used all those silly litigator tricks I so hate. I was so tired of him hurting not just me but my Mom and those who once thought of me as a professional. So I probed. God forgive me.

It started all coming out. Oh my god. At one point when Sasha is telling me, I do not believe I correctly understand so I reach for the dictionary as he continues to tell. I did not misunderstand. He has the scars to provide proof. Small and almost indiscernible but there. And so not natural. I look as he shows. I try to be accepting and nurturing but when he turns away I cry.

A little later, there is a point of escalation again and then we are talking about a little boy Sasha knew who still had a bottle in his hand. Given everything I think that little boy is no longer here with us. Sasha desperately searched the last day pictures at the orphanage to see him without avail.

Then Sasha crawls into my arms and pats my back in comfort. I cannot seem to stop the crying. And Sasha continues to comfort me. He comforts me. Like a guide giving comfort to a newbie to hell. Sasha feels bad that it hurts for me but he needs to tell more than cares for my hurt. And that is how it should be. That is how it should because how else would he know his mother is strong enough to be there for him. Of course I am.

I remember the closing comment in Deborah Gray's acknowledgement section of Nurturing Adoptions: Creating Resilience After Trauma wherein she said "[m]y heart was broken long ago by life and by children's sufferings. I am grateful for God's love that fills my heart and shines through my brokenness."

I thought that life had broken me long ago. What I hear from Sasha breaks my mama heart anew. I could not have imagined. I thank my parents for that innocence. I cannot give Sasha that same innocence. I cannot give him that same illusion about the fragility of the curtain between life and death. What I can give him is a hand to hold. That is what I do. I would not trade that for anything.