And then people help you remember why

So today was not one of our better days, but then I think we will continue to have a lot of those kinds of days. Yesterday I was trying to ask him why (why, why why!) ... and then I told him ... I just flat out told him ... you know how you wished for a mom, I wished for a son too. And you were the son I wished for. That observation got through. He understood. Of course today he was over the emotional wall in joy (with all the smashing and hanging of things that it involves) but he knows he was wished for and is loved.

At the end of the day it is as a colleague of mine noted, so few of us are allowed the opportunity to save someone and that is an amazing opportunity. That is true. I would not wish for my son to be anywhere else.

At the same time I would wish to worry less for his well being. He is so trying to recreate the hell he came from. While I continue to seek out professionals to help, we are also starting to see the suicide tendencies. Just today Mom went upstairs and found that Sasha had found a cord and tied it around a pole with a loop. He was frantically trying to cut the cord (with kindergarten scissors) and hiding it with his body. What do you think was going on?

At least I think I finally heard the name of his most egregious abuser. Or maybe it is just the name of the enforcer because it is a really strange and funny face he gets when I try to talk about it. If I could, I would get back on that plane to Vlad to look up this kid - maybe in the summer. What he did to my son is not good. I see it in Sasha's eyes.

A neighbor of mine is telling others on the street that there is something seriously wrong with me because Sasha screams in the house (she never had kids) - at the top of his lungs. A lot. And I do not come out of the house and "chat" with her anymore. People have begun to look past my Mom (who is here at home with him in the day) and nobody seems to "see me" anymore - even when I wave. The kids from the student house across the way called over last week about "what is wrong with Sasha." I said, as I had him under my arm, he is just having another tantrum. They have now moved from the student housing but they gave me their forwarding address, "just in case."

I do not know whether to be charmed or really mad. On one hand people are concerned and are offering help. On the other hand, if they think there is a problem they should totally call the cops!!!!!

Sasha is doing the best that he can given what he has been through. And I am the one that was given amazing opportunity to be there for him. And yeah when the days disintegrate like today I am sad. I am sad because I saw my son in mental pain today. It was also a day where I had to cancel going to Target to get him his garden assortment. That trip to the store is so what I wanted for him today but is still so far from his ability to be in the world. And so, tonight was a hand in the pocket. And then my son, my saved son, went quietly to bed.

Tomorrow I will work on how to address the knowledge of the name of the child who caused such devastating harm to my child.

And maybe I will not.

Hard to know - life in hell seldom allows the opportunity of choice.

I am learning too much about the particulars of hell - they totally suck. I just wanted to love a child who needed to be saved. I did that. I just did not know it would hurt so much.

My son just fell out of his bed onto the floor - I must go. But remember why - I saved a child that no one else would save, not even his mother. As that colleague of mine notes - that is the most amazing opportunity. Take care and god bless, Sarah