Of course I fight for Sasha!!!!!

I too cannot see a future where I am not there to hold his hand. Of everything the most positive thing is our bond to each other. It happened on our first visit when nobody was watching. They left us alone for the most part that day and we made that magical connection. It has stood the test of time and it is that bond that makes me cry at night because I feel his hurt and lostness.

That bond is what made me fight so hard to get him home. And now the experts are coming in and confirming what I knew months ago: Sasha is in trouble. Ironically, I physically have him in a "better" situation and there is more risk. Now his issues can be addressed instead of simply being pushed down the hall and told to cower. I so hate, HATE when he assumes that position. And so I have taught my very stubborn son to argue. I have taught him to yell and scream when there are things he thinks are bad going on. (He screams a lot anyway so I already figure the ears are shot)

And argue he does. He still does the insane, crazy things but now he also argues about perceived injustices. So when I turn off SpongeBob because we have to leave the house he can now yell about it but I insist on words. He can even call me kaka, but he has to tell why he yells.

Of course some days are going better than others. And last night he wet the bed for the first time since being home. I have to wonder if that is a test. Or maybe relaxing into the life. When I discovered it this morning, I told him accidents happened. And then I moved him to the living room couch and stripped the bed. He assumed the position I HATE. And started the whole "please don't beat (or kill ????) me - I'm sorry." I HATE that whole drill. In moments like that I know he is not manipulating me - he is simply seeking survival from the unintentional infringement of a rule. OMG. My family life so did not prepare for this kind of hell.

But you know, I am there for him. By the end of the day, it was all good. I continue to believe that lots of love and interaction with his Mom (as she is coached by love and therapists) will turn all this to sucess.

Then again we are already successful. When I am sad and feeling a little overwhelmed my mom always says to me: just imagine if you had left him in Russia. Imagine what his chances at a life would be like. I do and then I wipe my tears, blow my nose and buck up. There is another day tomorrow where I will stomp on or over any person in the way of the best interests of my child. It is another day wherein Sasha will need close in parenting in order to heal. I love my son so it is all good.

Oh yeah, the specialists are telling me if I was not a single mom this adoption may have already disrupted. No marriage may be strong enough to survive such hell. Something to think about.