Sasha has asked me. Funny thing about the seriously damaged ones, routine in our silly American lives makes them feel safe. We have crazy days but at the end his world is safe - lots of food and no abuse. Yesterday Sasha asked me if I could bring Vanya home. I know who Vanya is - he is in the pictures we took on our final day. He is a child I would have tucked into my arms and bags as I left with Sasha - no question.
Vanya is a little boy who had serious disassociate manifestations when I was there. What must he be like now?!?!? And how do I answer Sasha? I am not even on good terms with the adoption agency who facilitated my adoption of Sasha. Given Sasha was only the third child out of Spaak (the first two went to a wonderful family at the same time) other options do not look good. Nobody even went to Spaak to check on Sasha in between my first and second trip.
When Sasha is in the early part of his sleep it was clear he is clutching another child. Possibly Vanya? I do not know but I would like help the other child Sasha concretely cares about in his sleep. Maybe it will happen without Sasha and me. I hope so but the odds seem so dismal. That orphanage is so distant. It is far from the main path of life. I was there and life in this orphanage was not good. And nobody came for these children. Every night I wait to "not see" Sasha clutching the air in his sleep for the form of a child now not sleeping with him. Mamas do not replace "survivors in kind," we merely love and promote healing, after the fact. Every day I seek the guidance of God to get to where Sasha needs me to be.
And so it goes. Every day I ask God to watch over these children - the ones left behind. Their faces will haunt me for the rest of my life. And so I will continue to tell their story. - Sarah
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3 comments:
I would love to e-mail you with some questions about the orphanage and the children there in Spaask. In Primorsky region? Our daughter was born in Spaask and currently her two older brothers are living in that orphanage. Any info about it would be wonderful!!! My heart goes out to you as you learn your new way of life. I pray that your son will soon totally understand that he has a mom who truly loves him and would obviously do anything in the world for him. You are clearly a strong woman...I don't know how I could endure all that you are. His blessings on your day....
Jody Garber
jjgarber03@yahoo.com
I often wonder how the older children feel when their friends are adopted and they are not. I too wish we could save them all. I wonder if another agency (possibly WACAP) who works in the Vlad region could check on Vanya for you? Just a thought.
Thinking of you!
Sarah...I think you are such a blessing. I read a great many of the adoption blogs, but yours is one of the few that I end up feeling what you are talking about.
This agency you used....what on earth is their problem? Dont they realize it is the children that they are hurting?
Blessings to you ...your mother...and dear little Sasha
Laurie
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