It is true, I do love carrot juice. All through Russia I would ask for it, everyday. It does wonders for the morale and one's complexion. Since I have been home I have missed many days of pouring my morning glass of carrot juice. Even Sasha notes the mornings I remember.

Thank you C for reminding me of that. It takes me back to the first time we met, at the end of that long flight. You seemed so tired and yet so full of joy, I just knew you were another Mom just a little further down the path. I thank you for that memory.

Today was not such a great day. And Sunday was even worse. I think the hardest part may be staying sane and even through it all. Today, Mom took the worst of it. When Sasha went to school this morning he wanted to go (he has the choice every morning). By the time he got there he wanted to go home so Mom went back to my place. From there he deteriorated. He began his escalating abusive behavior. It is a situation that has become normal in the house. When it starts the dogs hide and the cats scatter.

Finally, Sasha was chucking plastic toys and pieces of furniture down the stairs at my Mom. That was in addition to the rote drama of biting, swearing and spitting (Mom particularly hates that part). And today was one of those days when I needed to be where I needed and to be - out of the house. So I spent a lot of time listening on the phone and praying.

In the end it seemed to be about a dvd. Ironically, once I figured that out and told Mom to give him the silly thing he had already broken his dvd player in the TV room. So now he has the dvd and nothing to play it on. And no, I will not fix or replace that dvd player anytime soon.

And so it goes. Most of tonight was done as a "hand in the pocket of my jacket night." When possible I asked him to sit on the couch for a few minutes of "still" time. Mostly I just wanted him to stop ranting. And being so extreme. Finally, he quieted and I could feed him. Now he sleeps, thank God. Tomorrow is another of those days where I have to be at work and not at home. I hope he does not rant tomorrow.

But he might and if he does we will cope. Our first post adoption visit is on Thursday. That should be fun. The adoption agency I went through has been less than supportive so this visit may be fun.

I often think about what I would say to that judge. Did we do the right thing??? Because, looking back I think only that judge and I have Sasha's best interests at heart. I do not know. Who was this adoption supposed to be right for??? Was it for the people I saw being paid off or for those I saw openly spending the money? Or was it for Sasha or me?

Or was it for Sasha's mother whom I saw watching us in the playground after the court date? As far as I can piece together she was hustled into court so as to reaffirm her relinquishment of rights just weeks before I was in country. I hope all CHI adoptions do not occur this way. The reason why I have this hope is because the woman I saw that day, after court, loved her son. She waited in the grounds of the hotel so as to simply see the woman she had been told would give her son a better life. She wanted to see if I was an okay person to take one of her children to raise as their own. I was so scared. It was my first day outside with Sasha, I saw her, he then turned to me to clutch, she stood up, crushed out the cigarette and walked away. I wish I had been able to chase after her that day so that we could have talked. But it did not happen.

In that instant I became the nurturer of another woman's son. This is a child feared for his medical condition but a child still worried after. I cannot imagine what it feels like to give up a bilateral cleft child after birth and to still worry six years later as to whether or not he can speak. And that is what she asked, just weeks before I was given custody - can he even speak? Today I would yell and drag Sasha after me while tried to get a moment to speak with the mother of the son I love. Not just for him but for me.

Also, I would prefer to not have days like today. Children left in institutions too long have monsters come to live within them. It is scary so see Sasha struggle with so much. He is a good kid. God save us all.