I tried the "let him do chores thing" and it worked for a day. The emotional fallout the next day was so not worth it. Then, I was sitting in my living room kind of surveying the craters in my life this situation is causing and crying, it occurs to me - I am going about this all wrong!
The first thing to remember is that my kid loves me. All the specialists tell me it is "only bonding" and "attachment" comes later but being one of the two people in the relationship - this kid loves me. Maybe it does not meet all the required marks for the specialists but at the end of the day Sasha sees me as his mom. Frankly, most days I wish he did not because he can be so awful. Yet, he looks to me for comfort and help for such silly things as about how old he is - everyone asks and he doesn't know - in either Russian or English. At the end of the day - regardless of the pain, to Sasha I am Mom. So I have to be - just for him. (otherwise I would be so outta here !!!!! :))
This does not make me happy because at this point he needs the sense of simply being "warehoused" without abuse. So suddenly I see - Sasha just needs to be left alone. He knows he is in America (more or less) and that it is not the group home but he still looks for the monsters in the corners of the ceiling.
Nothing but time will ensure that the monsters in corners or those outside the house will permantently disappear from his daily walk through the house much less his walk through life.
That is what I finally see - the monsters are in his head and not in our world. We do not see his monsters. And he will not share his knowledge of them willingly. His visions come out in moments glimpsed around corners. They are moments Sasha is more willing to talk to cats about than any human. Our world does not know the monsters he sees. We live in a sane world with defined senses of space and self. We have been safe. So Sasha gets a free pass.
Sasha will get to be how he needs to be. God watch over my life because it will be in his hands now. Yet, as I often say, it will be what it wil be.
My work will not be happy to hear that because there will continued accommdations. His school will not be happy because they will be allowed the opportunity to continue to suspend him becasue they do not speak Russian and he does not speak English. And my mom. That is hard. She will cover for me as Mom as I deal with all the other silly people. If I do okay as Sasha's mom it is because I had a totally wonderful mom in Marsha. I thank god for her. It is because of her I am the Mom today Sasha needs me to be. Thank you Mom.
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2 comments:
What a wonderful way to look at all that is happening. It is nice to knwo that Sasha understands that you are his mother. It is sad that you cannot make the monsters disappear for him, but maybe he will find peace over time knowing that you love him and are there to protect him.
Thinking of you!!
Although I would never think to compare the magnitude of your struggles with Sash with my much smaller ones with Vika, I do think I have accepted that same approach. You have to let them process it all the way they need to. I'm thinking of you too! You're all in my prayers, and my Dad's too. He asks me about how things are for you often. I think he is too tenderhearted to read your blog because I know he won't be able to bear to hear how difficult things have been for you and Sash. We're all hoping and praying for you to work though this. Hang on.
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