Would I do it again?

I was reading the blog of an amazing single adoptive mom I felt inspired to talk a bit about the question of whether I would adopt a child like my Alex again. I have been doodling about other things but I thought I should take a break and share my perspective.


I understand about not giving advice concerning the decision to adopt. I too tell people to search their hearts and think about it. I also tell them that everyone breaks when parenting this kind of child; the difference is in how you respond and what you decide to make of it. I became a different person because of my son. I like to think I became more human.


Someone asked me recently if I would do it again. It just happened to be a day when I was tired of it being an extra effort week. I first thought no, I wouldn’t do it again. It was so hard. It takes so much. I’d rather go to the gym than sit in yet another school meeting. I’d rather read one of my favorite ancient Greek authors than push reading with long “o” and long “i”. I am so tired of playing the adding game with Alex every spare moment in between doctor visits, etc.


Then I look at my son and I see the dramatic difference I have made in his life. A child lost was saved. A child thrown away has a place in the world now. I gave a human being a chance. He can do with it what he will. I hope for the best of course but I will live with the rest. He is my son.


I do believe that my son hardened my position about adoption. Yet, I cannot say I would persuade anyone to my position because it is simply the one I believe I am meant to take. I would be reluctant to try and persuade anyone to the path because it takes such a personal expenditure of strength and dedication. It also requires the destruction of your prior life to some extent. I also hope that my children would think twice about making such a choice. But then I remember how wonderful Alex was with traumatized foster children in my home. He literally helped them heal before my eyes. His history has given him such empathy for another child who has been in harms way, so I don’t know. The choice would be his.


Then, I remember that when I adopted my daughter I specifically looked for a kid that needed a special kind of Mom. I often joked about it but it is true – I did it again just to let people know the first time wasn’t an accident. It wasn’t a mistake. I meant to be their Mom.


And then, despite all the dire prognostications, she came home a normal little girl. No drama. No nightmares. Nothing. She may be ODD but she does in such a charming, passive aggressive way, it is like a breath of fresh air. It makes me laugh. It is also part of her survival tool arsenal so I work at redirecting her life and let it ride just a bit. Unlike a lot of adoptive parents I walked down the hallway saw, heard and smelled the living hell of her life. Me and another were severely worried about our safety. I am still at a loss as to how to talk about that place. Having been there gives me a bit of an intimate perspective as to why she does some of what she does. I just hope she lets up on torturing her teachers soon.


I think part of the reason I adopted, and would do it again is because I have seen the difference I make. I wrote last week about a van driver for Alex’s school hitting him. I would like to point out that the little boy I once knew would have hit back and/or escalated to such an extent he would have literally torn the inside of the van apart. He would have become a screaming monster, uncontrollable in the extreme. He would have opened doors and attempted to jump into oncoming traffic. It has happened in the past.


Instead, last week he came off the van went to his grandmother’s vehicle (because they were to go meet me) and just sobbed uncontrollably. He did not know I was there. When I opened that door he reached out to me and held on tight. We then tried to get the school to stop the problem. The director’s office of the special ed department said they would not stop the situation. They said nothing happened despite witnesses and evidence.


Tonight we filed a police report about the assault on Alex. He told the police officer what happened. He got to tell. What a miracle for Alex. Not only was he able to talk about it, but someone listened. A police officer would not let a man hit him. All trauma kids should get a chance to experience their trauma in a healing way. Alex learned that it is not OKAY for someone to hurt you. He got back a bit of his faith in humanity.


I have never met this van driver, the one the school district will not reassign, but I do not feel the least bit kindly toward him. I need to keep at least fifty feet away from him because I am so mad that he hit Alex. Actually I am so beyond rage at this person. I think of all the stuff that Alex has done, blah, blah, blah in addition to all the thousands of hours he raged and generally tried to destroy the house, myself, himself or anything else within reach and I never once raised a hand to him. I think about all many, many, many hours spent with trauma therapists, psychologists and head docs trying to get this one little boy stable and I find myself less than happy with one man who felt it was okay to yell and hit my son during a less than five minute ride home.

So we filed the police report. And I watched the police officer get Alex to tell her things I hadn’t thought about. I saw my very wonderfully honest son tell her about his experience. He made me so proud. He did a good job of explaining himself.

Yeah, I would do it again. My son was thrown away and lost. He has been found. Here, close to my heart he will remain. My son does okay. We all do okay.

Have a great Friday, Mama Sarah