Yep - we are testing boundaries

So no accidents today. Instead just out and out non-conformance. That is what I call his difficult days - a day where Sasha decides to not conform. From the school perspective he is getting worse. For Mama I see a child in grief. And his sense of outrage translates into out and out non-compliance.

Over the weekend I donated clothing and exercise equipment to my favorite second hand store. After donating I took Sasha into the main section to check out the toys. He had a ball. We got gently used toys (mostly of the music variety) and a motorcycle big wheel that he adores. Frankly, I never even thought about it. Yet for Sasha it was a huge deal.

When he asked me why I did it, I told him it was because I love him and want him to be happy. He asks me that question a lot and most of the times I just say - I [did whatever] because I wanted you to be happy. And I think that causes him grief. Like he finally "gets" that what went on before was not so great. Sasha loves me but that rage and grief needs to go somewhere so school is now bearing the brunt of it. And they look a little ragged around the edges. When I was finally able to pry something out of my red chief tonight he said he did not want to go to school anymore - he wanted to be home with mama.

I pity the school because when he gets like this it will not stop - at least for a while. And he is so sweet, even in his non-compliance stage. When I put him to bed tonight his only concern was that I would come back later and put him in my bed when I go to sleep. When I try to leave him in his room he wakes up crying and crawls in on the far side of my bed in the middle of the night. For Sasha, I am his Mama and his world is safe when I am near.

In the end I cannot argue with him because he was not safe until me. That is the funny thing about kids, they can be more right than adults. I love that about my son. And he is growing so much.

Oh yeah - we are trying to get into surgery. The data was lost on a cat scan we did awhile ago so we need to redo that and meet with yet another round of surgeons and specialists. I talk with Sasha about it and he is excited. He wants lips a bigger nose and teeth that look like the ones every one else has. He is so sweet, he always asks if I will be there and when I say yes - then he is back at thinking about all that we can do.

Until the last round of the doctor team visit, I did not know that his mouth "hurts." Until we can get the new scan etc., they cannot even begin to address this pain. I was cool with all the emotional/mental blah blah but putting my child into surgery is dropping me to my knees. I don't even want him to stub a toe. I am not having a good time. And I will probably whine about this issue a lot more given we go to surgery this fall.

But off we go. And I will cry when I need to cry. And I may yell - a lot. And I will hold Sasha's hand - every day. And when he having a non-compliant day, I will make my signature comment "really," smile, find some momentary consequence to impose and then gather him close and love him. He is the most amazing kid and I am lucky to be his Mom.