Some days I cannot see the forest for the trees ...

I have been so busy in the forest I lost sight of the trees in Sasha's life. In Sasha's world, trees rule and a forest is yet unknown. At least that is what is seems like to me anyway. Such a difference in perspective does not lesson what we do, as a family, every day.

Sasha went back to school today after being home for a few weeks wherein he reacquainted me with his perspective on life. He is the most amazing little boy. He can catch flies by their wings, hold several of them clutched tightly in his fist, only to set them free later. He climbs the fence of our backyard as a lark and only comes back with at the threat of calling the police. (Oh my god!!!!) And he tells me stories. So many stories. I am at the point of simply wanting to find a quiet space so as to weep. And weep, and weep and weep. But as those who have young children know, there are few quiet spaces in the life.

And so we go. given Sasha suffered a failed prior placement we, as a family have all that baggage to deal with as we all go forward. And all that work in Russia for his cleft is now a problem.

Every day I praise God for the life saving surgeries Sasha got in Russia. Without them he would not be home today. He is here now and I now see some of the trees. We cannot really see what was done - it is all such a guessing game. And they sent me home with no documentation of what they did.

And of course he has pain. We went to see the reconstruction team this week and he had been telling me he hurts but in all the "blah, blah" he and I forgot to specifically tell them about it. Sasha is worrying about the pain and I am trying to not freak out while the team is confused about where to start. I told them if they could give Sasha an upper lip like his Mommas he would be happy. Later that day my Mama laughed and said it was a good thing my upper lip was so small - it gave the surgeons a reachable goal. So I laugh and I cry.

As a Mama I grieve over the physical damage done and the hard road back, yet the biggest issues for Sash are mental. They say that for every x number of months your child spends in an orphanage they will be delayed x number of months. Double that equation and then add a few. That is where I found Sasha. Months ago I kept saying I felt like I had a very young child in a six-year old body and it now seems I maternally understood what was going on. Sasha is currently an emotional two year old (maybe) in a soon to be seven year old body. Given his abuse history he also has an impressive array of survival/escape techniques that place my essentially toddler son in harms' way. A lot.

So Mama Sarah keeps chopping at the trees. And we keep talking to the head docs. The medical people have run so many tests. The medical reports are now coming in and they confirm what the Russian doctors said. My Sasha is okay but he has a disability. I told them that but they are doctors so they needed to confirm.

So we hold on tight and wait. And I fight. Sasha is currently in a year around day treatment program at school. My hope is they do their stint and I will keep chopping down those trees. And if someone can point me to a quiet corner so that I can weep I would be greatly appreciative.