A better day today ...

Mostly we took it slow today - in a locked down house of course.  There had been a tentative appointment with some of the psychologists but after they checked in with me we all decided I would stay home with Alex today.  He woke up triggered but then I got him to go back to sleep and then just kept hitting the med times for him.  It seemed to have worked.

The evening meds pretty much knocked him out tonight.  Good thing.  The most likely time Alex will run is about 5pm to 8pm.  Getting past that time is particularly helpful. 

And he was a lot more like the little boy we are all used to, thank God.  The specialists have been pretty clear that I had to set, and hold clear boundaries, in order to help him feel safe again.  I had to reset his ability to self-regulate no matter how hard the task.  It seems to be working, though Alex is being particularly careful.  He was even unwilling to watch much TV today just in case he saw something that would "give him nightmares." 

We resumed some simple household chores and I held Alex's hand, tightly as he took out the garbage.  He kept saying, "I am holding on to your hand like a rock Mom."  And he did.  In the early days he and I developed a hand holding ritual to help him feel safe and calm down.  It is sweet that he likens holding onto to it "like a rock."  Kids seem to understand so much about the world.  I am certainly Alex's rock. 

I think that when he runs it is not really his choice and it all scares him at the end of the day.  Neighbors and their friends, all watched today, just in case.  But Alex held it together and did not run. 

We have an early morning appointment with his private phsychiatrist that hasn't really seen him since Alex stabilized and the doctor relocated his offices across town.  I am sure J.J. will not be pleased to see all his great work with Alex pushed back.  I do like that Doctor though.  He has been amazing in dealing with Alex and giving him time.  When everyone else wanted Alex medicated into the ozone, he refused. 

After that, I will return calls to the school about things.

My boss remains difficult at work of course.  He struggles with many issues and even though he knows what I am dealing with, he still threatened me with a personnel action if I didn't get my ID badge updated for entry into work.  You just gotta love that guy.  He is kind of like the scrapings off a barn floor.  His general lack of humanity makes me sad for his wife and children. But I would make a deal with the devil himself if it would help me save Alex.  Dealing with this guy is really no big deal in the balance of life.

Regardless, I immediately sent an email off to schedule the rebadging.  No sense in wasting time that does not benefit my kids. 

And, yes, our Daria is still on the scope in the balance of things.  She remains the most amazing child.  She is so amazingly normal.  And happy.  And willing to help out.  She does want in on the validation for "being good" but that only makes sense since I am pouring it on with Alex as part of the plan to re-regulate him. 

Daria remains this amazing oddity of life.  I literally went to a Russian psychiatric children's ward to meet and adopt her.  It was a place with walls and armed guards.  It was a place where a dozen white-coated doctors interviewed me before I was allowed to meet her.  It was a place that was scary if you walked down the wrong hall.  It was also a sad place because we saw kids there that we consider normal here at home.  It never was clear why she was there - for cleft palate we were told.  But she is the most amazingly happy and sweet child. 

I think this time with Alex has been difficult for her.  She does not understand what is going on and the stress has been off the charts sometimes.  I remember one day when we almost had Alex back in the house and she blocked my Mom from getting the door shut before he bolted again.  I did yell about that.  I think my Mom yelled too.  But then we apologized because in her mind she was simply helping her brother.

That being said, I am making sure her sense of the day is normal.  I also talk to her in Russian to give her a sense of comfort.  Sometimes explaining things in her native language is calming.  And I get to practice my very uneven Russian.  :) 

So, hopefully Alex will stay home and not run again.  Maybe my Mama heart can have some peace.  I just want my kid to be okay again.  I miss that little boy.  Regardless I find being his Mom such a joy.

Tonight I read them to sleep.  Life seems normal tonight.  May God keep us close.  Take care, Mama Sarah