The kids expect fairy tale endings from us of course

They really do. They wake up everyday hoping for it. I make sure their days start that way of course. My kids, adopted from radicially different orphanage settings across a vast country, still expect the same fairy tale ending every day.
They look for the loving family. They get it of course. They look for safety and comfort of course. They get it. They look for boundaries that prove they are loved. They get them of course.

Today was a difficult day for my miracle son. All day he struggled with oppositional and defiant behavior. All day he fought me making it a great day for the family. All day he fought me feeding him enough - at least what he thought was enough.

He lost any family engagement for oppositional or defiant behavior. We all simply refused to engage.

We had a great day as a family at one of our favoirate stores - IKEA. They have food and remodeling ideas. We were happy. Alex even ate so much that he could not eat any thing more. Like his own fairy tale ending.

Before Alex came home his life left him often hungery. The whats or whys do not actually matter. What matter is being fed enough - to him at least. But he still struggled. Sometimes he conquered the demons he woke up with today and sometimes he did not.

When we all got home, he went into timeout. To give the rest of us a break if nothing else.

He did a bathroom break and bolted out of the front door of our house. He was so emotional. Like he was in a life or death situation. He kept threatening to run away. He said he knew the way to the other place. Neighbors came out. Nieghbors helped watch for him.

Alex was in a state. After awhile I came out and talked to a neighbor about a new baby the family had in their home. Alex finally came over and cooed over the baby too.

He wants the fairy tale life. Family and babies included.

After that teen mom left with her Dad (my heart breaks for him and his wife) Alex ran back across the street and yelled at me. I could see, he wants to come home. But he also needs me to want him home. I asked him to come home, arms spread and he did.

He sat on my lap and cuddled for all to see. He wants all to see that he has the fairy tale Mom.

I am not of course but I love my kids and do what they need. But maybe I am the fairy tale Mom. I am there, in the way they need, when they need it.

It is a simple solution. Be there when they need you to be. Today Alex needed to be a world class difficult child, have family still continue, be fed and then have public validation by all who surround his home.

I remember specifically remember town kids hurling stuff and vile insults at the windows of his orphanage rooms as I left so I get him needing such a public, in situ, validation of his family being okay.

So my boy wonder simply validated his own miracle today.  Fairy tales do come true - for little boys and for Mamas too. We are the lucky ones. May God continue to bless this home.

Thanks to Vica's Mom!

You are so right about the school system.  Alex got hit yet again today and they moved him to another room to sit with a para-educator for the rest of the day.  At least she found his medications I sent to school and had told the teacher about first thing this morning.  The school people plied him with three lollipops and two cookies.  Classic case of an abuser rewarding a child so they will not tell.  Alex told of course. 

Gosh these school people make me mad.  Alex will stay home tomorrow of course and I have a call into the principal.  The knife-wielding 10-year-old will be back in school tomorrow.  Not a day for Alex to be there.

We will all meet on Wednesday.  I think it is time not only for a permanent para-educator to be assigned to Alex but also a change in schools.  What a crazy crazy world confronts the parents of traumatized kids. 

I finally think I figured it out - it is not Alex that is the problem - it is the fact that he is being constantly anxietized in the school setting.  He is fine if not traumatized.  I guess that is why neither me nor the doctors could see the problem.  We do not cause him to endure more than he can.

And he has lost another academic year. 

Met with the Feeding Team today with Alex ...

Sounds kind of silly I know but there are people out there that specialize in coaching kids to eat.  Those awesome people came to see Alex today.  We all met before, talked about his medical situation, and then went to join him for lunch.  The team watched him eat and I watched the classroom. 

They have many ideas of how to address his issues.  My wonder boy eats but there are many ways he compensates for the problems his condition present to him.  His will to survive is awe inspiring. 

The team will find ways to help him eat better.  They can help him learn things about using his mouth that most of us take for granted.  We learned it all in babyhood.  Alex did not.  I am giddy with excitement about what they will put together for him.  Another step toward normal for him.

Back to me watching the classroom.  It was out of control.  In a B-room that is not good.  The classroom had already been cleared once and a particularly violent kid was in the principals office being suspended.  other kids were pushing into Alex's space.  A boy pushed his chair close to Alex and my son stood up and moved his chair a couple feet closer to me, away from the boy.  When I asked him why, he said, "that is one of the boys that hits me Mom."  And then he went back to eating.  My kid was doing what I taught him - he got out of striking range.  Good boy.

None of the teachers saw the interaction.

He got hit today of course.  He told me and the teacher confirmed but said it wasn't too bad.  Alex said it hurt and he did not like it.  After awhile I asked him if he wanted to go home.  He said no. 

I left and then later the teacher called me because Alex was seriously escalated.  I missed the call and did not return it.  What do people expect?

What I am also seeing is that Alex is fine when not subjected to violent behaviors.  At school he is expected to endure violence and assault from other kids.  When he blows apart when he can no longer endure, the teacher and others cannot adjust. 

Whatever.  The boy wonder will need to transferred again.  This is not the right place. 

I suspect that if Alex is not subjected to harmful behavior from others in his class, he will be fine.  He is in every other setting in his life. 

His recertification for IEP services is next week.  I suspect I will insist on a change of venue.  Alex is done with this scene.

other than that he is an awesome kid.  No problems at home or during after school activities - other than he is a nine-year-old boy.  And he continues to endure an amazing amount of doctor appointments with a calmness and sense of humor I do not think I could manage if I was in his shoes.  That scope alone would have sent me running for the hills, never to return.  Alex remains my hero. 

He is a seriously awesome young man.  I am lucky to be his Mom. 

I hate being such a sad sack ...

That comment ages me I know.  But it seems to fit.  I like being happy.  I fight that which makes me unhappy.  My kids know that if they can get me to smile, even when I am at my maddest, I will just cave in and be happy.

I often think that when I hear Daria tell herself "to just be happy" I actually always am. 

I can be crabby - sure.  When I am bone-tired, struggling with unreasonable issues and generally faced with battering the walls of ignorance and incompetance I become a bit of a pill.  I can be mouthy.  I can be stern with the idiot adults.  Even worse I can tell people about their shortcomings - in the nicest of terms of course. 

But mostly I am happy, even in the most dire of circumstances.  I can always understand a perspective that gives rationality and calmness to a situation. 

I think my kids do as well as they do because we are happy.  There are rules and chores and expectations and blah, blah blah but we are happy. 

So I hate being such a sad sack that Alex is almost home four years and we still have hills to climb.  We are faced with things that should not even be there before us.

I do not want my son to learn that what harmed him so greatly in Russia is what he is expected to endure here where home is supposed to be safe.  If that is true, then what difference is there between here and there?  None as far as he can see.  And I see nothing different.

So I wish to be happy with everyone but it is not going so well.  I was once told by a very knowledgable person that we judge people by how we are ourselves.  So if you are a liar, cheater and "base deciever" (an Addams Family Gomez line) you expect everyone else is one too.

If you are an honest, forthright, and kind person you expect everyone else is too.  Worse yet, if you wake up happy every day, you expect everyone else does too.  In my house I make sure my kids wake up happy - every day.  That is one of the joys of childhood.  At least that is the way I learned it. 

And that is how my kids know it too. 

Being a cleft child is not easy - A new hill to climb

Unexpectedly lost our little Maltese today.  I rushed Precious to the emergency hospital, promised them anything and asked them to save our little one.  They tried, they really did.  I cried, comforted my mom and then took Alex to his speech therapy session.  Alex figured it out later but did not pepper me with questions because I was so generally teary.  What a little sweetie.  I fed my kids, watched a rerun of Sister Wives (being from the valley I kind of get their sense of family), and then all of us sat on the big couch and watched America's Next Top Model.  My kids got bored and played their leapsters - they just wanted to be close because they sensed I was sad.  Kids learn so many things from us.  Today they got a lesson in grief and how to be kind even when your heart is breaking. 

That is not the hill.  That is normal life and knowing wonderful beings either of the two-legged and/or four-legged variety that bring love into your life means that there will be a loss.  It does not lessen the joy that being brought to your every day.  And as they say, all dogs go to heaven.  I wish people like us had it so easy.

  In midst of everything, it became clear that Alex is yet facing more abuse at school.  Yesterday, a boy picked a fight with him, and after he became agitated, he was held by a teacher and this kid started punching him again.  IN THE FACE. 

IN THE FACE.  The teacher told me the kid was suspended and they were taking steps to deal with the issue.  Then today, I go to pick up Alex and he is being weird, not wanting to come near where the teachers are.  I didn't think much of it (after a long day at the dog emergency place) but then I see their daily report of his behavior.  Before I can even say anything  (got the call about the dog and put Alex into speech therapy so I wasn't really caring about the often vague report) Alex tells me the kid that beat him up yesterday was back in school today and punched him in the eye first thing this morning. 

omg.  I was there at the school and nobody told me.  All they said was "they had a day."  No wonder they didn't engage.  No wonder they threw Alex's backpack onto the porch while I was getting him off the top of the swing set.  No wonder they had shut the door to the trailer. 

I was a bit slow earlier.  It has been a hard day for me. 

But Alex identified the hill we need to take.  (Forgive me, my step-dad was a Marine and I was an officer in the Air Force so the military terms make some sense to me).  The hill I refer to is getting the school,or another, to be a safe place for Alex. 

A cleft kid should not have to be hit in the face everyday at school.  Given how horribly Alex was abused in Russia for being cleft, I feel doubly horrified.  And angry.  And enraged. 

How dare these people.  They refuse to listen to even the most basic information but they then turn around and allow Alex to experience what he did in Russia. 

Wow.  I thought my day was bad when I panicked and rushed my dog Precious to emergency.  I cannot believe I learned that I have basically allowed Alex to be targeted daily for being cleft. 

How do people protect their disabled children?  When I came home and engaged all the specialists, I thought my child would be safe.  I was wrong.

Good news and not so great news

Good news for Daria - no failure to grow issues.  I was really scared because there is a genetic deficiency condition which when failure to grow combines with cleft and a few other things, can mean pretty significant problems.  I was seriously worried.  But the tests came back in the normal range so she is just a tiny girl but no health concerns about it. 

The not so great news is that several different entities are testing Alex for delays, I.Q., etc.  Some of the early people on deck are giving out grave news and labels.  People in other camps such as the school are finding the conclusions and labels far off the mark.  What to do, what to do.  There are so many different angles with this kid. 

I will have to think about this some more.