So I struggle ...

Last week an agency director told me that she and another agency head would rank me in the top five of adoptive parents in their professional experience.

Pretty heady information in a time I grieve for kids lost within my state system.

If you asked me on the street I would tell you I am an awesome mom and the best bet out there for any child. My kids would tell you the same. Family and friends would be quick too confirm. The doctors and various support people would also confirm.

My governor's office continues to fail me and the kids lost in thier system. Apparently the state's
entire file on me as an adoptive parent and the pre-adoptive placements has been lost. The representatives cannot return my calls. They are months late in issuing any letter explaining themselves.

The feds are lost too. They are freaked out at what happens at the state level but they feel
unable to stop actions at the state level that make them want to hurl.

So I struggle with what to do.

Some people say fight – get the kids I know out of the state quagmire I know that continues to harm them daily. The people that push me to fight give me the names of attorneys almost daily. I also get medical conformation daily that the mental conditions my former foster kids are being labeled is simply not possible. Most of those attorneys I contact say they will take the case but then give me a caution that people who advocate for the best for children are the most opposed.

I remember a little girl in our state foster system that was sent from her pre-adoptive family to her paternal grandmother in Mexico. There were a couple of articles about her in our local Pulizer prize winning newspaper and then nothing. Last fall that child, about four was found dead in Mexico. By family members. The social workers in my state failed to even asked when someone had last seen that child alive.

As a Mom I am horrified. I so worry about my foster kids. I know them. I first cannot sleep, and then when I do later wake up and stress about what to do.

Nothing I think. Those kids are left exposed to the whim of state social workers working through their unresolved issues. So I struggle. I work on grief. I work on the state making a final statement. I work on what to do next.

As with all of us, our time is limited. What to do, what to do?

My passport is still good. I hear there are still children needing a home in other countries. I am tired of mothering domestic kids put back into harm’s way. I am tired of not being able to sleep because I know they are not yet safe.

My son, and now my daughter have hardened my position about adoption. They have taught me that children in harm's way need to come home.

So I struggle. May God be with our journey.