Yep - we are testing boundaries

So no accidents today. Instead just out and out non-conformance. That is what I call his difficult days - a day where Sasha decides to not conform. From the school perspective he is getting worse. For Mama I see a child in grief. And his sense of outrage translates into out and out non-compliance.

Over the weekend I donated clothing and exercise equipment to my favorite second hand store. After donating I took Sasha into the main section to check out the toys. He had a ball. We got gently used toys (mostly of the music variety) and a motorcycle big wheel that he adores. Frankly, I never even thought about it. Yet for Sasha it was a huge deal.

When he asked me why I did it, I told him it was because I love him and want him to be happy. He asks me that question a lot and most of the times I just say - I [did whatever] because I wanted you to be happy. And I think that causes him grief. Like he finally "gets" that what went on before was not so great. Sasha loves me but that rage and grief needs to go somewhere so school is now bearing the brunt of it. And they look a little ragged around the edges. When I was finally able to pry something out of my red chief tonight he said he did not want to go to school anymore - he wanted to be home with mama.

I pity the school because when he gets like this it will not stop - at least for a while. And he is so sweet, even in his non-compliance stage. When I put him to bed tonight his only concern was that I would come back later and put him in my bed when I go to sleep. When I try to leave him in his room he wakes up crying and crawls in on the far side of my bed in the middle of the night. For Sasha, I am his Mama and his world is safe when I am near.

In the end I cannot argue with him because he was not safe until me. That is the funny thing about kids, they can be more right than adults. I love that about my son. And he is growing so much.

Oh yeah - we are trying to get into surgery. The data was lost on a cat scan we did awhile ago so we need to redo that and meet with yet another round of surgeons and specialists. I talk with Sasha about it and he is excited. He wants lips a bigger nose and teeth that look like the ones every one else has. He is so sweet, he always asks if I will be there and when I say yes - then he is back at thinking about all that we can do.

Until the last round of the doctor team visit, I did not know that his mouth "hurts." Until we can get the new scan etc., they cannot even begin to address this pain. I was cool with all the emotional/mental blah blah but putting my child into surgery is dropping me to my knees. I don't even want him to stub a toe. I am not having a good time. And I will probably whine about this issue a lot more given we go to surgery this fall.

But off we go. And I will cry when I need to cry. And I may yell - a lot. And I will hold Sasha's hand - every day. And when he having a non-compliant day, I will make my signature comment "really," smile, find some momentary consequence to impose and then gather him close and love him. He is the most amazing kid and I am lucky to be his Mom.

"New Parent" v. the "Professional"

I think that I wrote awhile back that I was able to get Sasha into a school program that would deal with his PTSD issues. It was a difficult process. Once there I thought people would understand how daily life goes. Now I think maybe not.

Growing up my family often referenced a story by O. Henry about a child who was kidnapped and the kidnappers, instead of asking for ransom, asked to be able to pay so the child could come home. The child of the story was one that, while lovable, was still so problematic yet actualized, which made that child ungovernable by conventional methods. My family told that story about me. All my life the label of "red chief" was me.

And then I went to pick Sasha up from school on Thursday. (He is in a year around school that holds classes through July). As my mom noted, the principal saw me, strode over and couldn't wait to hand him over. From my perspective, I am not used to the principal walking Sasha out and I could not understand some of the verbiage that basically resulted in the hand off of "he is yours now." Others, like his teachers and para-educators, came up and tried to explain, but they were speechless. And they seemed like they were "worried for me."

My kid - when he is done accommodating a situation and decides to be "out of there" he has a large and interesting bags of tricks so as to make the adult puppets dance. That is what he did at school last week. He dropped the "experts" to their knees. And mom and I laughed all weekend. Red chief syndrome all over again. My mom has started calling him "junior" simply because it is so funny.

Yet, my son is showing how well is adjusting to being home. He is now simply just testing normal boundaries. Sort of like the peeing in his pants incidents. Last week, the first of his friends that maybe the first to not be killed or beaten into unconcsciousness so as to secure his compliance wet his pants in school last week. Two times, both accidents. Both times, Sasha elected to intentionally pee in school. In his words - "not an accident." Sash and I have discussed extensively and he meant to do "it."

Over the weekend Sasha came in from the yard and had "pee" in his pants both days despite there being a bathroom close to the backyard. Ironically, Sash HATES anything not clean, especially when it is him, so it shows how much he wants to protect his new friend in his attempts to create a "problem" at home.. On the second accident over the weekend he went into pull-ups. He is now in diapers until he sees that his attempts to protect his friend do not have an logical connection through his underwear. Boys!

Junior is Red Chief - Junior. What an amazing little boy!!!

We have discovered pirates!!!

We have discovered the idea of "ahoy maties!" It was only a matter of time for a little boy watching SpongeBob. His room has already been entirely redone in the Bikini Bottom theme. Sasha decided to hold off on putting the borders up simply because he is trying to "behave" well enough with the cats so as to get a room upstairs.

He totally LOVES anything pirate right now!!! He is sooooo cute. He always does the "argh" and then asks "what you want?!" I always say I want all the treasure in your treasure chest. He then says okay and gets all the imaginary booty out. It makes my heart melt every time. And he giggles so much all the time now. Don't get me wrong, there are still issues but, finally, he may be getting a little happier now.

And isn't that what we all want for our children? Sasha often asks me "why you do that?" It is usually after I gave him something new he needs like clothing or a kiss, a hug or even candy. And I always say - because I love you and I want you to be happy. I am personally opposed to, and appalled at candy, but it means a lot to him so I try. Frankly I liked it better when in Russia he thought my granola bars were chocolate. :)

In this picture he is asking me the "why" question.

In this picture Sasha has discovered money from the Tooth Fairy for his second tooth. Too cute!

And this is Sasha seriously at work with his marble slide.

All in all Summer is a fun time! I hope you are enjoying your summer and God bless. Take care, Sarah

Families do what they do ...

I often think my posts are maudlin and I apologize if they seem a bit sad. As a family we are happy. As a family we often deal with difficult issues. There are the dramas and traumas but we are a family. When Sasha broke that slide in the latest pic we talked about it as a family, discussed the poor choices made and then got over it all.

Yeah I know the slide was only 10 dollars, but to Sasha is was part of his new water world theme park. It meant a lot. One of the hardest things I have had to learn is that what seems to be such a small thing to us is a literally mind-blowing experience for them. Sasha has no frame of reference about playing in a safe yard with simple toys. And so we work at getting him better.

And he is such a wonderful and happy boy. Everyday I know that God has blessed me with this child. And so this family does what we do. Everyday it is the same thing: get up, hang out a bit, eat, get dressed and go to work/school. Then go home hang out a bit, eat, put jammies on and go to bed. And repeat. That is the secret. An even family life.

That is no easy feat of course because I deal with my adult life issues and there are care taking hand off issues. And work issues. Just today something was seriously off in school because Sasha was off. Not bad or difficult but just "off."
But the family is happy. Sasha does so well, he cannot believe that all the love is truly there. He no longer questions me (most days) but love from the larger circle is still sinking in. So we continue. And that is the best thing of all.

Some days I cannot see the forest for the trees ...

I have been so busy in the forest I lost sight of the trees in Sasha's life. In Sasha's world, trees rule and a forest is yet unknown. At least that is what is seems like to me anyway. Such a difference in perspective does not lesson what we do, as a family, every day.

Sasha went back to school today after being home for a few weeks wherein he reacquainted me with his perspective on life. He is the most amazing little boy. He can catch flies by their wings, hold several of them clutched tightly in his fist, only to set them free later. He climbs the fence of our backyard as a lark and only comes back with at the threat of calling the police. (Oh my god!!!!) And he tells me stories. So many stories. I am at the point of simply wanting to find a quiet space so as to weep. And weep, and weep and weep. But as those who have young children know, there are few quiet spaces in the life.

And so we go. given Sasha suffered a failed prior placement we, as a family have all that baggage to deal with as we all go forward. And all that work in Russia for his cleft is now a problem.

Every day I praise God for the life saving surgeries Sasha got in Russia. Without them he would not be home today. He is here now and I now see some of the trees. We cannot really see what was done - it is all such a guessing game. And they sent me home with no documentation of what they did.

And of course he has pain. We went to see the reconstruction team this week and he had been telling me he hurts but in all the "blah, blah" he and I forgot to specifically tell them about it. Sasha is worrying about the pain and I am trying to not freak out while the team is confused about where to start. I told them if they could give Sasha an upper lip like his Mommas he would be happy. Later that day my Mama laughed and said it was a good thing my upper lip was so small - it gave the surgeons a reachable goal. So I laugh and I cry.

As a Mama I grieve over the physical damage done and the hard road back, yet the biggest issues for Sash are mental. They say that for every x number of months your child spends in an orphanage they will be delayed x number of months. Double that equation and then add a few. That is where I found Sasha. Months ago I kept saying I felt like I had a very young child in a six-year old body and it now seems I maternally understood what was going on. Sasha is currently an emotional two year old (maybe) in a soon to be seven year old body. Given his abuse history he also has an impressive array of survival/escape techniques that place my essentially toddler son in harms' way. A lot.

So Mama Sarah keeps chopping at the trees. And we keep talking to the head docs. The medical people have run so many tests. The medical reports are now coming in and they confirm what the Russian doctors said. My Sasha is okay but he has a disability. I told them that but they are doctors so they needed to confirm.

So we hold on tight and wait. And I fight. Sasha is currently in a year around day treatment program at school. My hope is they do their stint and I will keep chopping down those trees. And if someone can point me to a quiet corner so that I can weep I would be greatly appreciative.