So what if you did not get there in time?

I may not have been in time for Sasha. That is a question I struggle with everyday. Time is such a relative question. Time and the question it poses for abused children remains dark. The question of "Am I in time?" is something I struggled through the entire adoption process. I was one of those adoptive parents that had my paperwork done within the first month. And then there were delays. And more paperwork requested. And more delays. Blah, blah, blah.

Sasha is now home and we are trying to unravel it all for him. Everyday, as the parameters of my life erode in an attempt to save him, I think how did it happen?

• Did anyone tell me this would happen if Sasha left Russia - no they did not.
• Did I do anything wrong - no I did not!
• Did family, friends or work do anything wrong - no they did not!
• Did Sasha do anything wrong - no he did not!

So every day I find nothing but hell. Sasha pretty much worsens by day. There is no real place to turn. Friends and family are done. Work keeps me on but I wonder how long. The American doctors are now turning down the mood modification drugs and starting at level one. So far so good - no seizures. Just really, really outrageous behavior.

At the end of the day I ask myself - did I get there in time? If you ask me I would say no - I did not get there in time to save the Sasha that once was. I am simply trying to save what is left.

I ask you - how hard is that? And yeah, sometimes I cry.