A child beginning to believe in love and back to a normal happy family life

I drafted an excellent post about our wonderful Saturday and then Sunday happened.  It started early.  The temporarily assigned crisis intervention team (who have no experience with trauma children with attachment issues) spent most of the day in our home.  Then they left and Alex erupted.  Wow.  It was a doozy.  He was transported to the hospital where they told him would be hours before he could be seen and that he should go home.  Alex went home.  Calmly.

Alex and I talked that night.  He told me he still felt sure that he could be sent back to the orphanage in Russia at any time.  I talked about how it wasn't possible but he still told me that while he believed I wouldn't do it, it could still happen.  Alex told me he tried to make it happen faster so that losing me wouldn't hurt so much. 

My poor sweetie.  Needing love so much and fearing it as it surrounds him.  No wonder he fights so hard to work out a back-up plan.  He is looking for a place nearby so that he can stay here.  Near his home and family.

Monday we went to see his long time psychologist - Wes.  That guy is brilliant about Alex and his issues.  He kindly pointed out that have such a wonderful Saturday only pushed Alex further into extreme behavior.  Pretty much textbook attachment fear reaction but it is still hard for a Mom to hear - don't make it so nice and happy. 

Tuesday I kept it as low key as possible but I had promised a trip to Alex's favorite restaurant on Monday so that plan was already agreed upon.  There was the situation where Alex's sister had gotten into his room and broken some of his stuff.  I gave a stern talk to her and as a consequence discussed with everyone in the house, she was not allowed to go to lunch with us.  Alex was hurt but he saw there were consequences given and his space was valued.  We decided how to protect his room from his sister.  We then went to lunch at Red Robin, one of his favorite restaurants.  He ate until he could eat no more.  He remembered that his grandmother wanted a to-go order for staying home with sister.  Alex was one happy kid with all those balloons from the restaurant. 

After dinner, my now very large son kept climbing into my lap and cuddling.  Something he has rarely done.  And then he went home, did some things for his grandmother and then went to bed.   

The path back to normalcy is one taken in small steps.  It is a path that makes a Mom take risks that scare her and make the heart pound faster.  There are so many choices to make - to address this issue, or that behavior in the moment - or let it go.  Do I enforce that family rule or let it go?  Do I talk more about what is happening - or let it go?  Alex is obviously struggling with issues that overwhelm him, being the one that figures out what he needs to know and hear is so hard.  But I do it.

All of us want to be happy and safe.  I know I do.  I know my kids want that too.  For the first time today Alex told me that his prior adoptive Mom had hurt him while the older bio kids looked on and the formerly discussed abusive adoptive father did nothing when Alex told him.  That is the first time he has ever, EVER, EVER, said anything negative about that former adoptive mother.  For Alex to admit that was - unbelievable. 

After that he was back at the orphanage.  I asked him if I had ever hurt him like that and he said no - and that I never would.  I told him that sometimes people try to be moms but they are not really ready.  I told him it was not his fault he had been hurt.

Alex told me that he had not done anything wrong but maybe asked for something and made that other Mom mad.  My sweetie is seeking protection from rejection.  Talking about it is the path back to normalcy.

 Do I think we are done?  Maybe yes and maybe no.  People talk about attachment but it is really about love.  Our children look to us about how to learn about love.  I know I looked to my parents about it and carry those examples into my life every day.  Does Alex yet know what it is to love - yes of course.  Is he beginning to believe that he is loved as he loves - just a bit. 

More amazing - he is trying to look just like me.  He dresses like me, he wears my extra pairs of sunglasses, and he is trying emulate my mannerisms.  I just hope I continue to show him what love and a happy life looks like in real time. 

Still we trudge up the hill of Alex's fear of being loved

It was a war in the house today.  That hasn't happened before.  Alex started with slightly self-harming behaviors and then he tried to run.  He started to de-escalate and then trapped me in the kitchen, refusing to let me call the wrap-around services help.  It then became a war.  Alex tried to get out the front door to run even though I had called for the home support services and 911.  It took like it seemed forever for help to come.  My kid fought hard. I fought hard too - for him.  If he had gotten away at that point he would have jumped from the second story of our house.

It is every parents nightmare.  Fighting your kid to save him. 

And then the police came.  Alex walked out of the house calmly and went to the hospital - calmly.

I went dealt with all the hospital people and social workers today.  I went and brought Alex back down enough to come home - without being drugged. 

The rest of the day with Alex at home was normal life.  Like the morning had never happened.  Alex's eyes were still so wide and the pupils were extremely dilated.  It so scares me when he looks like that.

Me and the rest of the family went back to normal life too.  At the same time we all waited to see if he would re-erupt. Alex apologize to me in pieces about the day.  Life went back to normal.  The switch from the morning to the afternoon was extremely disquieting. 

We all trudge up the hill of Alex's fear of being loved.  Today our home was ground zero with me the target.  I did fight back, mostly while I was calling the community wrap-a-round services and 911.  The phone lines were open as I defended myself and attempted to contain Alex until help arrived. 

Did any of it make a difference today, I do not know.  I know Alex still fears loving me because I did not keep him safe from bullying last year. 

I want adoptive parents to hear this well - you can and will gain your children's trust of safety within the first 18 months - give or take a few.  The problem is that if your kids suffer any later inadvertent harm that they perceived you could have stopped, you will have an attachment disorder problem in your home.  At that point you, as a parent, will be required to go through every safety scenario of concern of your child from their previous life. 

It becomes a war between you and your child about love.  Your child cannot understand it and you will be the person to teach it to them again.  People will ask if your child can go to a friend or family member.  Resist!  Keep your children close.  Let your child know you will still be there no matter what.  Let your child see what love looks like every day and in the trenches.  Do not let your child think you will allow space between you and them. 

Think about it - our child did not grow in our bellies, nor did they get to nurse at our breasts.  We became their parents after they learned to handle extreme rejection and neglect.  We love them and they fear further rejection. 

I know my Mom.  She has been there all of my life.  I grew in her belly and was born into my family.  She nursed me.  She and my father had another child because they were so happy with having a baby - me.  My Mom has been there  all of my days.  Even when I have been less than a perfect child. 

I want Alex to know that kind of Mom too.  It is the most wonderful feeling.  So we trudge up the hill of Alex's fear of being loved. 

God always put me in the right place

I never question the course of my life.  God brought me to my children and he always places me where he needs me to be. 

Alex had quite the spectacular run away event on Tuesday but the police tracked down Alex within 20 minutes and had him on route to the hospital.  That is quite the story but that is for another day. 

Because of the continuing Alex issues, I worked from home today and then had a friend help me go to the store with Alex.  We shopped without incident and made it home.  I took the first bag in with Daria in tow and dropped by purse on the table.  I go back out to my friend's car and all of a sudden I see a blur of young men running across the street.

Two boys started hitting a third and had him on the ground.  They hit him and kicked him in the face.  I yelled at them I was calling for the police.  I ran back into the house to grab my phone and ran back out while dialing 911. 

Those two boys were still hitting the one on the ground.  I started running toward them to stop them.  Only then did they start to leave, but they threatened the beaten young man that they would find him again tomorrow and it would be even worse. 

I called the police and attempted to comfort the young man.  He just wanted to go home.  I asked him to please stay until the police arrived.  He agreed to stay on site until the police came but he refused all aid and water.  I admit it, I called 911 back and asked where the police were.  I was afraid the boy would leave.  I finally took him out some water - it is a hot day today - but I let him have his space. 

The police came and talked with him. And then they came and talked with me.  Given Alex run history, the police officer knew us well.  For once I was grateful that everyone at the police precinct has gotten to know me so well.  After talking with me, the police officer went back across the street and took that young man's statement.

A little while ago, the father came back with his son to talk to me about it all.  He asked if I would swear to what I saw.  He is going to be filing charges.  Apparently this has happened to this young man before and nobody ever sees anything. 

God always puts me in the right place.  I saw and I will tell. 

I wish someone had done that for Alex last year.