My heart is still weeping

I cannot seem to stop crying for the babies slaughtered in Newtown.  It could have been my baby girl, Alex's little sister, in those classrooms.  Our Daria would have not run away.  She would not have hid.  I am haunted.  And so deeply filled with grief for the parents of the little ones.  I think none of those parents can ever know know how much I will weep for them.  My children are my life.  I cannot image me living without them. 

Alex, the miracle boy, has been having nightmares about the shooting of little ones too.  I tried to keep the kids away from the tv while the adults watch the news but Alex is too smart - he wants to know what makes me weep until I cannot weep anymore. 

People in my agency started getting texts on their phones almost immediately as the news broke.  By the time I went to my daughter's afternoon class holiday celebration - I knew many little children had died in that other, faraway, classroom.  I left Alex home and went to my little girl's class to see the kids sing.  And I could not stop hugging her. 

Of course parents do what life seems to dictate;  presents are wrapped, visits to Santa happen and holiday pictures are taken.  What I see with all parents right now is a special care toward all our children.  The line to take a picture with Santa was long this year but everyone was so terribly kind with their children.  A special sense of being blessed with their continued existence seemed to be manifested in all the parent interactions with their kids.  There were no short words.  There was no impatience that line was hours long.  I saw parents leave the line midway through after waiting a ton of time because their child was hungry.  Kids played and ran and were happy.  We knew that we are the lucky families today.

The war to keep Alex safe from bullying while getting him the federally mandated education required continues of course.  The school district has taken a deeply troubling approach.  Alex is in new headgear guaranteed to make him more vulnerable and more of a target than he already was - as if that was possible.  

The District has told me a child being hit is normal and it will happen.  They have also told me they will do nothing extra to keep him safe.  I have told them, I will call the police if it happens to Alex again.  I hate that they are making me be this way.  I also know that we cannot let Alex be hit again.  I cannot let it happen again.  Alex keeps asking for a cell phone so he can call me or his grandmother for help.  I think he might get it over my personal preferences. 

Protecting Alex helps me not weep so much for the babies.  If my kids were having a perfectly safe and normal life I do not know how I would channel my grief for those families. 

May God watch over those families.