And then there was calm

Today was simply just a normal day.  Kids get up, eat breakfast, dress and then go through the day.  I kept giving Alex Benedryl on schedule but that was no big deal.

Normal life.  Kids playing.  Kids eating lunch and playing games during mealtime.  A kid playing a video game while another read a book to a doll.  Later, the laughter of children playing in the water during a hot summer day.  Kids doing chores together like taking the garbage out and picking up their things.  Normal life.  So boringly dull.  Gosh I love it so. 

The kids love it too. 

It is like yesterday is just yesterday and casts no shadow on our today.  And that it is how it should be.  PTSD is a funny thing - find the switch in a kid (or adult), turn it off and nnormalcy returns.  What drives Alex to such extremes has really nothing to do with me or the family.  What brings him back to normalcy has everything to do with us, me his mother, and his family. 

A couple of times today he came, grinned at me and told me he loved me.  A couple of other times he told me silly jokes, waiting for my predictable responses (it was not the first time he had told those jokes).  Mostly there was just a laid back reaffirmation of the rhythm of our life.  I am still Mom with a practical bent but who also allows them to run through the house while soaking wet.  Like I explained to my mom, in perfect Pacific Northwest logic, "it will dry."  Since it is hot outside, the water will dry weeks earlier than it would otherwise.  :)  My area of the country is significantly wet most of the year. 

So life is still just normal life.  I do not know what tomorrow will bring but it will be okay.  We are a happy, loving family.

Like I always say, Alex has hardened my position on adoption.  We all had such a joyous day. That would have never happened for any of us without me taking that leap of faith and then holding firm.  I will continue to stand on this front line of adoption joyfully and with thankfulness.

God has blessed this family.

Rides to the ER and adverse drug effects

We have been going through just a bit.  Finally got Alex into a day treatment program that is awesome for dealing with his anxiety and fears but then most of this week was taken up with doctor appointments.  His long standing psychologist was so unhappy to learn that Alex had de-stabilized due to being bullied and assaulted at school.  His perspective was a nice reality check and confirmed that, in fact, Alex had been okay for a long time now.  Tuesday we checked in with his long term psychiatrist and all was happy there too.  Gosh I love those guys.  Alex does too.

Then we went to the pediatricians appointment.  Alex saw someone that he had met during his ER visits and seeing her set him off.  It seems like maybe she reminded him of something from the before time in Russia.  Anyway, his very sweet and wonderful pediatrician called for security who then walked him over to the ER so that he could be sedated.  He was being so very violent.  And then he went to sleep.

He woke up this morning all happy and ready to go to school (day treatment).  And then the adverse reaction to medication he had been given before started.  I was on the phone to all the doctors.  The psychiatrists called me back and told me to take him to the ER.  Alex then went into severe dystonic shock.  I call it shock, they call it a reaction.  It was scary as heck.

I saw him experience a milder form of it when we were leaving Russia and were having problems with his medications I was given by the orphanage.  I did not know what it was then and nobody told me.  But what I saw was never to this extent. He eyes rolled back in his head and his body literally bent backward into a u-shape.  His face became unrecognisable. 

He was terrified.  I was seriously stressed.  I kept holding his head to try and relieve the pressure of it bending painfully backwards.  The very nice fireman carried my now rigid but terrified son out to the emergency vehicle.  They immediately gave him Benadryl and I rode with him to the ER.  They confirmed it was an adverse drug reaction.  Alex slept awhile and I went and got coffee.  He seemed fine and we went home. 

After a little while he went back into dystonic shock.  It started escalating faster than it had this morning so I didn't waste time - I called 911.  The same very nice fireman showed up with everyone else and he carried Alex back out for a benadryl shot in the emergency vehicle.  He noted that it wasn't so bad this time.  I responded that I hadn't waited so long before calling.   It was the very nice fireman that told me that with this particular drug it takes two days before the side effects start to disappear.

The medics called the ER and they refused to treat.  They said to just keep giving him benadryl.  The doctors had given me a prescription for something less.  The medics drove me over to the drug store and I stocked up on benadryl.  They were awesome. 

So we sit in the house tonight and watch.  And medicate with over the counter Benadryl.  My Mom noted Alex was starting to seize up when the medicine was due.  It is all so very scary. 

I will sleep holding him in my arms tonight to make sure he is safe.  I will awake every few hours to an alarm clock.  My little sweetie.  It sucks to have to process so much trauma.  I will be talking to the doctors tomorrow about no more anti-psych drugs.  If they need to stop the violent behavior they need to use something less potentially lethal - like a tranquilizer.  

My summation of the day is this - I think Alex violently acted out in Russia, and now here, because of trauma and other things.  His reactions, while extreme, were and remain appropriate.  Despite that fact, both in Russia and here, the doctors are quick to turn to the anti-psych drugs, further causing damage. 

I blame nobody.  I harbor no rage toward anyone.  I cannot even summon a bit of irritation at Alex for putting himself in such harms way.  I just want to get Alex enough time to stabilize and come back from his nightmares.  I call them nightmares but it may be more appropriate to call them memory based dreams.

We have all the best people on it.  Alex is trying so hard himself.  At least he and I have each other through it all.  When he was first panicking and screaming this morning, I had to yell for him to hear that help was here.  He was still in full panic, with his eyes rolling back and his body seriously in spasm and so I yelled at him, "have I ever lied to you?!?"  He screamed no but he could not see me anymore.  So I told him I was holding his head and that help was here because I could see them.  He coped.  He believed because I do not lie to him - ever. 

That is relationship.  Being there for your kid and him knowing it.

Alex has hardened my position about adoption.  People need to do it.  But they need to be prepared.  I was and to the extent I was not I got help and learned.  Alex will be okay, but it is only because I went and brought my son home.  No one else could have done my mama job.

I think I may adopt yet again.  Shush - I know it sounds crazy but my miracle has taught me well.  Kids will do well if they can.  Kids need love and time.  If I do try again I need to set up some kind fund people can contribute to I think. It is seriously expensive to get kids out of Russia.  My insurance is awesome so more kids needing medical help is not an issue.  Just getting them home is the financial trick. 

And then there is Daria, the sister of Alex.  Alex and I found her in a psych ward in Russia and she is a perfectly normal little girl but has a cleft palate.  She and I were walking home today and she told me she decides to be happy every day.  She decides and she is - truly.  Daria is a child that sings and dances every day.  She has a core of pure steel.  She is an awe inspiring example about the tenacity of children. 

So I may go back again.  Alex continues to harden my position about building a family through adoption.  I am so blessed to have such a gentle son.

Kind of going through a rough spot

Alex has been struggling with multiple trips to the ER.  We just got back from the latest trip.  He did a few days at intreatment last week but it did not help.  We are working on getting him some longer term help but it is an uphill battle. 

He dismantled all the cell phones in the house and threw them into the crawlspace of of neighbors house.  They are unable to currently be retrieved.  And the neighbors are out of town. 

Then the very large rocks were thrown, the police were called, the police then ducked those very large rocks until the ENTs arrived and he was strapped down and transported.  In the ER they were rude to me, attempted to report me to our state Children's Services and then pumped him full of anti-psychotics and sent him home.  Barefoot. 

Alex is nine and knows he needs help.  He isn't getting it. 

They are now labeling him FAS and RAD.  He is not.   Alex just needs help.  He knows it and he isn't getting it.  He is now trying everything he can to get someone, anyone, to help him.

Alex is also testing me to see when I will leave.  He hits me, he rages at me, he spits at me.  He yells for me to leave.  After they pumped him full of all the icky drugs and he was laying in a heap on the floor almost out, they sent me in to talk to him.

Up he jumped as if they had given him nothing.  But he didn't hit me again and I walked him out of that room.  They wanted to stuff him in a car with security strong-arming him all the way.  I said no.  Alex would have to walk out alone or no go.  He did it. 

Alex is tired of being bullied at school.  He is sick to death of people punching him in the face or telling him he is stupid.  Alex is tired of kids sexually molesting him.  It happened at school in May and it happened the year before when I had a foster-to-adopt placment in my home.  The molestation of my son last year is part of the very long list of reasons why I would never recommend a domestic adoption - to anyone. 

So Alex sleeps tonight on a couch where I can see him until he goes to bed with me.  He is fighting to survive. 

The latest ER doctor gave me a perscription for the anti-psychotic drugs they are giving him in the ERs.  It says "as needed" and I asked what that meant.  He could not tell me.

So I am a Mom, with a little boy who needs more than a bit of help, who is left with trying to figure out "as needed."  When all the drama started today, I was taking a nap on the couch while Alex sat next to me watching SpongeBob.  There was no trigger.  There was no indication that he was going to escalate until the very large rocks started being thrown.  Do you suppose they think "as needed" begins with breakfast? 

I would rather call the police.  What if I get it wrong?  What if he overdoses? 

So I am kind of going through a rough spot.  Alex and I had beat the odds.  He was stable and our life was humdrum and kind of normal.  Now Alex is in the lost place.  He is in the lost place where those monsters rule.  I know those monsters from the before time.  They are big and they hurt Alex a lot.  I would give anything if Alex was not in the lost place. 

And he has a Mom who is a bit mouthy.  As these people fail him again and again and again, I point it out to them.  In explicit detail.  When they threaten me and attempt to harass me, I call them on it.  I was a military officer and I have been law for over twenty-five years and they still treat me horribly.  What happens to the normal mamas out there?  What happens to the families out there that step up to help the kids that so desparately need it.  I think they must mostly be destroyed. 

I spent a fair amount of my childhood in very remote places in the Rockies.  It was an amazing childhood.  I cannot not raise Alex there.  It would be insanity with no help.  So I stay where I am and dig in.  My family is already there, standing ready to dig in.  We will not lose Alex.

Alex is nine and he knows he needs help.  He is not getting it today.  We will try again tomorrow.

He is my miracle.  He has also hardened my position about adoption.  He would be dead but for me.  I hope that I can be his miracle again.