Merry Christmas to All!

Alex today. What an awesome son. Just today I heard a boy in another room asking my son if he did really, indeed love me, his Mom. He said yes. In that boy world he still said it though they were ready to tease. That was the best Christmas gift I could have had.

May your family have a wonderful holiday season. Take care and God Bless, Mama Sarah

Surgery went well!

It is amazing what they can do. Sasha now has a lip and there is that magic space between the nose and his new lip. It is a beautiful thing. And Sasha has been amazing through it all. No complaints. At first I thought he was quiet because of the meds but I think he finally understands that I love him and I am here to help. He is still swollen and there are stitches everywhere but, oh my goodness it is a beautiful sight to see.

And Sasha is a changed child. I keep joking that the doctors gave him a personality change during surgery but it really feels like they did. At first I kept looking at him to see if it really was my kid. Gone is the constant challenges and defiance. Gone are the outbursts and the constant negativity. Things had gotten so much better than last year that I thought we were in a calm space. Since surgery all the negativity is gone, simply gone, like it never existed.

In his place is a gentle child who likes a good joke and laughs a lot. In his transformation I see a message for all adoptive parents of these sometimes difficult to parent children and I am still trying to wrap my brain around it.

We go to our first surgery tomorrow, please pray for us

There is so much work to be done, it seems overwhelming sometimes. Certainly the docs think so as is apparent when they tell he that his situation is "complex."

Tomorrow we begin that journey. My mama heart already cries. I cannot sleep.
But my son sleeps. He sleeps because he knows he will come home after being in surgery. He does not care about the things other kids would care about - like surgery, pain and blah, blah, blah. My son is only concerned about coming home after it all. He did not before. And there must be balloons. Lots and lots of balloons.

So he sleeps tonight. I ramble about the house fussing. It is all so out of my hands. My job is to now get him into surgery. That I will do.

I was whining at my Mom earlier today and she reminded me that this actually was the part that I signed up for when I adopted. My response was "yeah, yeah but who knew it would hurt my heart so much!!!!!"

But this is what this family does - I adopt cleft children. So tonight I weep as I pack and plan to cuddle him close several more times before surgery. Those cuddles are of course couched into our everyday life because corrective surgery is kind of what we do - everyday whether it being preparing for surgery or doing our speech and op exercises. It is what makes my son whole.

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

Truisms from babes :) My Mom is still laughing. Happy Mother's Day to everyone. And may God watch over you and your family. - Sarah :)


Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and
one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.

What kind of a little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom.. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you
got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long..

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair ... I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Time for a little catch-up

Sasha's palate expander came off yesterday and he was fitted with a retainer today to hold everything in place until his first surgery. We go see the surgeons on Monday to talk about this first surgery. It is not reconstruction per se rather we are going find a piece that is not in the "right zip code" and move it into position. Sasha is so exited to finally start work that he literally dances up and down at the prospect. Good thing because we will be spending a lot time in surgery over the next few years.

Also, the speech therapists (he has three) finally did a full spectrum analysis and tagged his developmental delays due to his palate issues. Of course he scored below age level in things like syntax, etc., while he scored above age in vocabulary. There are also some sounds that just will not clear up until we put part of his front back together. The public school speech therapist sounded so disheartened. I am not because what her testing showed grammar and vocabulary lacks that are more indicative a new speaker of English language that true developmental delays. If he was slow there is no way his vocabulary would be above age. That exposure is frankly due to me never talking down to him or simplifying my conversational interaction with him. His private speech therapist rocks and is busy working with him to learn how to make sounds he should be able to do but does not.

So medically we are moving forward. In the behavior department we have also made mega-strides forward. Sasha's support has been clear that no book has been written on what to do with kiddos like my sweetie when they are so over the top behaviorally. But we all pitched in and were there for Sasha. Today he is a normal little boy complete with bug collections and covert plans to leap off of all high places just for the thrill of it all. He loves to watch the skate boarders and then practice their leaping and twisting moves. My son is so home.

I think often about that woman in Tennessee. Everyone who knows me asks my opinion. Ultimately, I think my two parenting wisdoms say it all.

First, I was not the parent I thought I wanted to be rather I became the parent my son needed. As a social worker I spoke to recently noted, I went to where my child needed me to be. I never thought about it that way but of course that is what you do. If a kid gets a skinned knee, you bend down put the band aid on and give a kiss. If your kid's skinned knee is emotional or mental you still go to where the band aid is needed. And give a kiss or two.

Second, just give it time. Often what seems like a tragedy today is tomorrows leftover chicken soup. Still edible with a subtle shift in nuanced flavor. All the drama is gone with a hint of something else. At least that is how it works with my Mom's soup. And that is how it works with the chickadee. I think that before everything in his life operated on a "end of the world" sense of timing. That is pretty common with institutionalized or otherwise traumatized children. Also, there is so much reparenting that simply takes time so as to allow the reprogramming of what is normal to take hold. Until it takes hold normal people are often taken down Alice's rabbit hole and may hear Jabberwokie echoing in the distance. Time cures all.

And then, at the end of the day I just hold my sweetie. Or be near. And the m0nsters will go away. And you will still be there - holding them with love.

Then one day you awake and the kid is just a kid. I then wonder if last year was just a really vivid bad dream. Take care and God bless, Sarah

Please consider signing a letter to Obama and Medvedev

The letter will be sent tomorrow and will call for a full investigation and prosecution of the putting of Artyem back on a plane back to Russia - alone. Please consider signing. As a Mom considering a second adoption out of Russia I am horrified by the actions of the America adoptive family. Click on the link below to be taken to the website and find out more. - Sasha's Mom

www.jcics.russia.htm

I am so disappointed by the idiot who put that child back on a plane to Moscow

As many readers of this blog know, my son's transition home was rough. Some days still have some interesting moments. But I would never trade one moment of my life with my Sasha. He is amazing. He is the sunshine of my life. I cannot believe they sent that other little boy back to Moscow. And believe me, my son has tried it all. I just hunkered down and love him through it all. And he does okay. I know it is hard but it just takes a parent to love them. And a network of family, friends and community to get it done.

Last year now seems like a weird dream. I look at my son sleeping tonight and I weep for that little boy. The little boy put on the plane to Moscow (alone!) is my Sasha's age and I cannot imagine my son going back to that life - alone. And I pray to God that it is years before Sasha hears about Aloysim's trip back and how it happened. He still tests and I would hate for him to think there is a point where I will call it "enough." I simply will never call it enough. That is enough said.

p.s. there are lots going on and I promise to give post an update soon. Take care and God bless, Mama Sarah

I cannot believe we have been home so long!

Every day is a joy. So much has been happening.

First on the school front. It has been a war, no doubt. To be honest, Sasha has had a teacher unable to cope with him which caused her to employ what I will call less than optimal choices to "control his behavior" which then led to him going to the de-esclation room everyday so as to get away from her. And yes, he has been employing the "accidents in his pants as a rebellion tactic" which the special school people continue to miss but I get it. I do not address it other than to discuss and maybe put him in diapers if he threatens to "do it again." And then he came home everyday and told me he couldn't "take it anymore." Of course he should not take such silliness. Mama then goes to battle stations.

As I tell everybody our kiddos have excellent survival behaviors in place. Those skills only look odd here in middle class America. If we understand that then we (I) have the key to "unlock" the puzzle. So then school got a full court press to fix the problem or move my son. Federal law is clear on this issue. We are now transitioning my sweetie to another classroom. He is over the moon. I hope with the right room he can finally take off in learning. And yet, I am so proud. This time last year he still only spoke Russian and could not color, write or count in either language. Today he writes apology letters (with me writing out the words he dictates) to people when he has had a difficult day with them. What an amazing child. I am so proud to be his Mom. And I tell every parent to Fight, Fight, Fight. If we push hard enough the system will do what it is supposed to do and our kids will be okay.

Now for the somewhat sad thing for me. I think that I have indicated in prior posts that there was a failed in country adoption placement for my son. How formal or informal it was is not clear to me. Certainly I was not told about it during my adoption process. Yet, now home my son has finally told me about it. At least some of it. And it breaks my heart. Even if the "people in charge" did not find it worth noting, my son certainly did. He first told me about his other Mom fairly recently. He told me that she had told him to wait at the orphanage and she would "come for him soon." And then she told him to tell nobody.

Suddenly, all the pieces fell into place. For those who read this blog and were there in Russia with us, the extreme behavior may now have an explanation. I remember sitting in traffic outside of the American Embassy in Moscow and Sasha being a screaming, flailing child. I remember Cindy trying to cope with her sweetie pie of a daughter and the driver looking at me like "just make him stop." Of course Sasha could not stop. If I took him back (across the entire expanse of Russia!!!) then he would be where that other Mama told him to be so that "one day she would come back for him."

Sasha did not stop trying to go back until just recently. Once he told me why he had to go back to the orphanage we then talked about how that would look. And blah, blah, blah. It ultimately does not matter about the particulars but rather my commitment to him and his goals. Once we worked that out, things got incredibly better in the house. Even his speech and cognitive functions seem to take a leap forward. I am seeing such a less damaged child. It is almost as if he was faking being younger as a protection. (And that makes total sense!) Once I convinced him (finally) that he does not need protection from me, he let on that he can actually tie his own shoes. The little stinker.

So this long road home for our family has finally shown me that if you are doing all the right things to heal a child with damage and if the family still lives in hell after a bit of time, someone may have lobbed a grenade into the life of your child. Hang tight! Hang tight because that child has a different script for the life. And it probably has additional add-on dysfunctional behavioral patterns. If you love your child enough, unconditionally, that child will eventually concede the battle.

I, while still do not entirely know how to manage the terms of potential future contact with that other Mom, my son is healing before my eyes and becoming whole. I could not ask for more than than that.