So Thursday didn't go so well

Sasha was suspended from school again today. This time I am not so sympathetic. He started almost as soon as we left him at school. Everyone at school is trying hard to be there for this child but I sometimes think that only makes it worse.

Anyway, I had talked to Sasha about things Wednesday night and again on Thursday before he went to school. I asked if he was having problems. No. We then went over the fact that if he misbehaved again he would lose privileges and his beloved dvds. Things were fine. He agreed to go to school and then when at school was amazingly disruptive. He openly threatened children with a toy used as a weapon without provocation. One of the new twists on everything is the very, very, very loud high pitched screaming. He does not scream because he is hurt or scared, he does it because it scares everyone else. The little bugger.

So home he went. And that was his intention. He wants to stay home, watch dvds and play with his stuff. And hunt cats in the house. Once that was all taken away (we discussed that before he went back to school) then the real drama began. My poor Mom is taking the brunt of it right now because some days I have to go to work and today was one of those days. He starts as soon as he sees her. He acts just like he does at school and it happens with no provocation. I did come home today at lunch to deal with the screaming, the throwing of objects, hitting, spitting, swearing and attempting to hurt the animals. After dealing with Sasha's issues, I ate my lunch at home so that my Mom could have a break. And then he just stopped the acting out.

I thank everyone for their offering of therapists. I have written it all down and will probably contact one or all at some point. I did find an adoption therapist here who deals with traumatized children and she is pretty fantastic. I also continue to seek other specialists help because it is only way I know to keep fighting for this little boy.

It is truly hard work and I wish someone had told me before I got in this deep. It is a serious commitment of your life to get to the other side of adoption (actually bringing them home). I love Sasha but it is really hard to go from day to day. Ironically, Sasha was a waiting list child with a laundry list of medical issues - all of which I have to keep deferring to a later date because he is so emotionally unstable. Those medial issues I was prepared for and had plans to accommodate. Once home, they were not the problems I have to deal with on a day-to-day basis.

Forget the simple check-up physical or medicating for possible parasites. Forget the treatment for exposure to TB. Forget even testing for the seizures that may or may not exist. And that does not even get at why he is considered to have medical needs.

I am not sure if it makes any difference to me at this point to write about it all because I am engaged in what seems to be a fight to the death to not let this adoption disrupt. That is a problem I knew we had just a few days after getting physical custody in Russia which is why I was so seriously disappointed at the myriad of ways in which my adoption agency failed - they failed again and again. I often say that despite them Sasha and I made it home.

And I have so many people in my daily life trying to help me and Sasha avoid disruption. And they are all such wonderful people. Consequently, I find little comfort in actually documenting it. At the same time, if one person is helped or comforted by all these words then it will have been worth it. I know that I have risked much of my life financially, professionally, personally, emotionally and spiritually to adopt this child. When a person sacrifices that much they should at least know of what it actually looks like when building of a family takes a downward turn. If you asked me today if I would still adopt Sasha I would say yes. The other day, if it were possible to undo everything I maybe would have asked for that opportunity.

And so it goes. Take care and God bless. - Sarah