A child is lost

A mother grieves.  There is simply no other way to talk about it.  Alex has been hospitalized in the pysch unit for 11 days now.  This hospital generally only holds a patient for 7 to 10 days before transfer to home or another facility.  The hospital cannot stabilize Alex long enough to even consider transfer. 

Alex is also breaking all of the orthodontic devices out of his mouth.  What is left he can use to break teeth.  I plead with the doctors to get the rest of it out.  The psych unit does not acknowledge that his breaking of the devices in his mouth warrant a determination of actual intent to cause self-harm.

At this point staff is attempting to placate him to make the records appear he is stable enough to transfer to a facility.  So far Alex has unintentionally made their plans fail.

I grieve for my son.  When a child enters the mental health institutional roulette wheel of care, family members and prior treating doctors are disregarded.  The best interests of the child and the appropriate care for their issues is not considered.  All must comply with the boxes these new people in charge insist upon.  These people know nothing of his landscape of trauma, but they still try to tell him what to do.

My poor sweetie.  I did not teach him to comply with random dictates that counter his survival instincts.  Now Alex finds himself in a world where landscape of reality has changed - and he refuses to take my hand so that I can help him though the bewildering forest of change.  Alex is mad at the world, himself and me.  He now attacks me because I dare to love him and try to save him from himself.

This merry-go-round of drama-trauma started 13 months ago when Alex mentally broke after being assaulted at knife point on school grounds because the escalating bullying at school did not stop despite him telling me about it for over six weeks and me telling the school officials about it every day. 

It is like the phone conversations I now have with the pysch unit - I tell them, x, y and z about Alex and how to help him and then they disregard me.  It feels just like when I told the school officials like the teacher that Alex could not continue to endure what I was literally watching in her class real-time.  I told that teacher that was happening in her class to Alex was worse that what he endured in the orphanage.  Yet, that abuse of him continued until he broke. 

So my Mama heart weeps tonight.  I hope that Alex finally stopped making weapons out of his clothing and went to sleep.  Since the bullying last year he has struggled with sleeping unless he is on the family living room couch or in my bedroom.  At the same time I know that my son is right and he needs to start arming himself from those that would harm him.  He has a long way to go before his face will look normal to others.  Maybe the family loving Alex gives him the courage to start arming himself and stop hurting himself.  I know his grandmother would applaud any offensive to protect him.

A family mourns.  And a child remains lost.  May God watch over us all. 

Alex has gone to stay in the hospital for a few days

I love my son.  No matter what else happens, I love my son.  Sometimes he is the best of what I am as a person.  And then another child comes to visit our life and things go so seriously wrong. 

Alex staying in the hospital is not a decision I made lightly.  I did it to save Alex from literally killing himself in public.  Since Alex has gone to stay in the hospital during what will be a week to ten day visit, I have already gotten many calls about him.  People ask - "how did you keep him home for so long?"  I tell them - I love him.  He is my son.  And when I asked for help for him months ago, doctors simply sent him back to me.  What else was I to do?

When he was admitted into this psychiatric medical unit, I went home.  I sat down that first evening and fell asleep for over an hour and a half.  I cannot remember the last time I felt that relaxed.  The next day, after I visited my hairdresser for an appointment months overdue, I went to bring Alex some clothing and a toy.  I arrive on the unit and he is out of control.  I hear him yelling and I am still outside the unit.  They let us in and Alex is raging while they are trying to put him into seclusion.  It takes five security guards and two medical nurses to get that door closed while Alex is raging. 

Alex keeps trying to get hurt with that door and the people.  I finally leave and go home.  The next day I got several calls while I simply did stuff around the house. Alex ripped out the supports to his partially reconstructed hard palate.  I so wanted to run down to the hospital and be there with him.  But I did not.   

On Sunday, I took my daughter with a friend to Build-A-Bear.  It was supposed to be a trip for both kids.  It was a wonderful time and then my friend suggested a trip to the Oregon Coast.  It was a wonderful day.  We all had so much fun. 

I only got a call three times about Alex being in seclusion.

At the end of the day, Alex, who did not know what we were doing, called to check in.  He told me he loved me.  He then learned from his sister that he had missed the Build-A-Bear trip.  He seemed to handle the news okay though he was mad at me for not making a bear for him.  

Alex told me he had a good day.  Alex wants to be the boy I know and love.  He wants me there to make him feel better.  He misses me.  He also wants to be free of being helped.  Alex will continue to any and every thing he can to destroy himself and me.   Being a mother that is there for their child can be so terribly difficult.

I do not know what it will take, but we need to find a way to help Alex.  I have not posted on this blog but Alex had a very good reason last year to begin down this path that he has.  He was so terribly harmed last year and much of what is now our family reality has been caused by the actions of people outside our family. 

A family doing what they do

I have now been home for weeks - no working - getting things to calm down. 

Is it calmer?  More or less.  We are coming up on a month of no running with a slight recent public tantrum requiring transport.  Afterwards Alex apologized for getting mad and losing his temper.  It had been an amazingly fun day complete with rides and ice cream cones.

It seems to remain a combination of control issues, love and safety.  It is also about testing boundaries.  I often wonder what Alex has been told by kids at school about families.  In the beginning me and the school district moved Alex into the most protected environment but now I wonder about the kids he met there.  The school district destroyed all their records from his time there so all that is left is what I have from them during that time.  While what I have shows Alex was a model student, it does not tell me what he was exposed to during his time there. 

My job situation is at end of dealing with the extremes that the situation the bullying and assault in the school system last year has caused. What I do with that reality I do not yet know. 

Alex is scheduled to go summer day camp in just a few days.  He and I are so very excited about it.  The camp people are worried.  There are federal funds given to them to accommodate kids like Alex but they may not allow him to go.  I hope we all are able to work it out. 

My main focus, after the kids of course, is the fact that most people simply eat too high up on the food chain, me included.  Especially during this time of serious long-term stress.  I am working on getting back to the vegan option, which is closer to a balance with the earth.  My kids eat what they need to be what they need to be.  Ironically they independently and consistently choose the vegetarian option.  My sweeties - I will not have to worry about them being nutritionally unhealthy as they get older.  That is a blessing.

Since I always feel better when I eat what is closer to veganism, I wonder how much my struggle with eating habits mimic my children's' struggle with their life issues?  I know what feels better but then I intentionally deviate.  My kids do the same thing.  How different are our life issues - really? 

Ultimately, we are a family who loves one another.  I will probably wake up tomorrow and worry about the day and all the possible problems, but I will love my kids.  I will probably be more likely to constrain a situation that is necessary so as to ensure a sense of normalcy.   More than likely my kids will do everything to make it a good day too.  And they will love me.  I already love them - no matter what.  My Mom will add her presence to balance it all out. 

We are a family doing what we do.  We love one another.