Sweeheart ran the other day but stayed home today

Alex climbed out of his second story bedroom window, crawled down a power line and spent the day playing before the police found him playing on a second story fire slide at the university and then attempting to jump from a window. 

That is the call I got - your son is threatening to jump from a scond story window.  I ran out of the house since it was just a mere block away yelling to my mom and daughter that Alex was jumping.  I got there he screamed at me and then the many policemen and firemen got him down.  Six people carried him and then held him to the guerney kicking and screaming while they strapped him down. 

I rode in the ambulance, just like I always do. 

We got to the new ER (the two others have banned us) and it was a different experience.  People got the attachment issue with Alex.  People were kind to me and saw me as helping instead of demonizing me.  What a difference a change of location makes.  The on call representative from the wrap-around service agency was there verifying everything.  After even enougth medication to drop a rhino was pumped into Alex he finally dropped.  The trauma brain of a child will resist much. 

I then took Alex home.  He woke up in the taxi and tried to fight before falling back asleep.  I carried into our home.  All the kids and hit the big bed in my room. 

Alex woke up today and tried really hard.  Trauma kids need  the boundaries gently set back into place after they test family love and I did that for him. We mostly sat and watched really old Disney G-rated movies like Cinderella and Peter Pan.

I made their favorite foods.  I tried to address the post-sugery issuse of Daria.  I am grateful we see our reconstructive surgeon tomorrow.  I gave the kids their preferred desserts and then put them to bed in the living room where I am.  We will all head to my room shortly for what remains of our night.

Do I worry about Alex - you bet.  The bullying trauma he suffered last year caused him to experience serever attachment issues.  Home life hasn't changed but how the trauma effected him within our home has been severe.

What happens at home really is not connected to what Alex does.  The other day when he climbed out the window, Alex woke up from a dream.  He was awake less than 10 minutes before he left that second story room.  When I later asked him why, he told me he stayed as long as he could.  And then he left.  Without shoes.  Without food.

Alex will do what he can.  I will sleep near him tonight.  I just hope I do not get that call again tomorrow. 

Children will do well if they can.  And when they cannot, parents need to be there for them. 

My little boy is still the best survivor I know.

Alex came home the other night

It was a long day.  There were lots of calls to people about what to do next.  Nobody returned the calls.

Alex's sister Daria, was in day surgery the day I went to get Alex and it took twice as long as anyone expected.  Daria is one of those kids where the surgery will always be a very rough experience.  She is really struggling with it all.  I am struggling with it all.  The poor sweetie. Even I, the seasoned cleft Mama worries.  She is our fragile angel of blown glass that we all much protect and cosset.  Alex has spent hours sitting at her side, watching over her.  He went with me to grocery store to make sure I got all the right stuff for her to eat - if she will. 

The other night, after settling her at home I went to go get Alex from the pysch hospital.  He yelled at me and tried to hit.  Finally, four of the staff members carried him out of the unit and into the ground floor waiting room, kicking and and screaming.  No one had given him a chance to know what was happening. 

So I sat down and told him we would do whatever he needed.  I told him about how much Daria needed him to be home and help her since he was the "seasoned" cleft surgery kid.  After a few minutes I had him sitting on my lap and I told him how much I loved him.  He told me how much he missed me and wanted to go home.  After awhile I called cab and we went home.  Quietly.  Peacefully.  Calmly. 

People from a privately funded organization came to the house to try and help with a community plan for when Alex runs.  It sounds like mostly they will develop a script to give to the police and doctors when Alex does his run thing.  My insurance does not cover it but the children's hospital Alex has been to many times accessed some emergency funds to provide this service to us.  I am sure they did it not for Alex but to avoid the legal liability they have incurred concerning their care of Alex.  If it works, it would be nice.  I will still pursue all avenues to strip the hospital of the ability to do what they did to us.  Another family would probably not survive what was done to us.  Families in crisis do not need the additional burdens of attacks while seeking help.  I continue to thank G-d for all my friends and family that help out while we wait for Alex to get back to center.

Frankly, I think our non-triggering Alex is back.  Did Alex find confirmation of love and commitment from me and the family he was seeking?  I certainly hope so, for his sake.  I know that at every moment he is acting out he looks to me to see if I will be that that other Mom from his failed adoption in Russia.  Will I turn away?  Will I leave him?  Did I, or the family have a limit we will set on his behavior before turning away.  Not likely.  Alex has deep emotional scars from the before time that the bullying last year brought back into his daily life. 

Families stand firm with one another.  We all love one another so much.  I stand ready and then we all get on with normal life.  Mostly the family issue has moved on to our concern about Daria, post-surgery.  I worry for my baby girl tonight.  Alex sleeps in his room, surrounded by all his stuff.  It is normal life - for us.

Sometimes people ask me - would you adopt again, knowing what you know.  Yeah, I would do it again. My son was thrown away and lost. He has been found. Here, close to my heart he will remain. My son does okay. We all do okay.

Sometimes kids just struggle

Love your children - hold them close for as long as you can.

 

For reasons known to no one, Alex started running away about three weeks ago.  There were no issues at home.  There were no changes.  It was a happy life. 

Alex ran away four times in one week.  He got lost one night and was attacked by strangers.  People gave him money even knowing he was running away.  When the police brought him back, he came with a rooster (we live in a city!).  When he ran again after returning the rooster, the police asked me to ask the doctors for help, so crying I asked. 

 

Thus began our hell that lasted 337 hours and 10 minutes or just over 15 days living in the Emergency Room of our Children's Hospital.  I have watched Alex tantrum like he never has before.  I have seen him given anti-psychotic medications at levels grown men are given - to no effect. 

 

My custody of Alex has been repeatedly threatened far reasons not made clear to me.

 

Yesterday, at 8:15 pm Alex was transferred to an inpatient facility that had discharged him unstable last year.  My concern about him being sent back there for help was one of the reasons my custody of him was repeatedly threatened.

 

At 5:12 pm today, 21 hours after that transfer, the inpatient facility called me to tell me they were ready to discharge him.  They suggested that I give up my son to the state.  They said there was nothing they could do to help.   

 

That facility also failed to note his current medications and began giving him a drug that has proven ineffective for him and then told me that his current medication schedule is too "difficult for them to maintain." 

 

Alex has asked them if he can live in their basement.  My poor sweetie.  He was locked in a cellar in the ground while still in Russia which was loaded with spiders.  He still has serious issues surrounding this.  The odds that he could be in a basement for more than a moment is low.  He will not even go into the basement of my Mom's former house.  I do not know why he would ask for that, and the doctors and staff do not even care to ask why.

 

I often wonder what the medical people think and feel as they fail this child.  Alex is lost and looking for a way out of the room of mirrors.  Alex also has a lot of rage for the two Moms before that failed him.  Every time he hits, kicks or swears at me, I know he is still raging at those who left him.  Silly boy, like I would let him live in a basement.  :) 

 

I have been home just over 24 hours now, after living on the floor of the pediatric ER and/or in the psychiatric isolation room on the adult side for over 15 days.  My house is normal life filled with family, friends, cats and a couple of dogs.  My daughter and I had a "girls day out" with some retail therapy which was awesome.  Daria is very opinionated about my preference for black (too gloomy!!!) and the fact that sparkles makes me "high fashion."  She is a joy every day. 

 

I will get up tomorrow and do what needs to be done for my children. 

 

People keep telling me to send Alex to the "farm" option.  That is permanent warehousing for children away from their families.  I simply cannot consider that option yet. 

 

I remember Alex had restraint marks on him when I picked him up from the orphanage. I took pictures and asked for explanations.  Of course there were none.  I remember Alex and I spending many hours of trauma therapy addressing him being strapped to a bed in Russia and being given drugs through needles.  I just spent 15 days watching American doctors doing the same thing to Alex.  And attacking me when I tried to get them to stop. 

 

Sometimes kids just struggle.  Parents who wade into the deep with their children are often attacked too and victimized by the people who cannot listen to the screams of a child in crisis. 

 

Some people who like labels and now call Alex RAD as well as PTSD.  Alex began having an attachment disorder about six weeks after he was brutally bullied in the public school system.  A severe attachment disorder can begin after a traumatic event such as what he experienced last year. 

 

Alex and I had beat the odds.  He deeply loves me.  During all this time, he keeps coming over to kiss me and comfort me.  He probably loves me even more than I love him - if that is possible!  Because of that, in light of last year, he will pound on me as hard as he can to see if I will walk away. 

 

What I have is a little boy whom I love so much.  If I thought it was in his best interest, I would walk.  But I do not.  It will never be the best option for Alex.   Everyone needs to know that their Mother will be there for them no matter what.  My Mom would never leave my side.  No matter what.  My Mom does that for me so how could I do any less?  I cannot.  I simply love him too much.  I will never be able to let go.  Alex needs to know the love of a mother that I know.  My parents would expect no less from me.

 

I had the most amazing parents.  Love of their children was the most important thing for them.  That is what I remember best about being a child in my family.  I pass that value onto my children every day by me living it for them. 

 

For parents that want to read more about RAD with PTSD I offer this humble link. 

http://attach-china.org/parenting.html

 

I also offer this poem by a Mom of a child in need of a warrior. 

 

Warrior Moms

by Jean MacLeod

I didn't sign up to be a Warrior Mom.
It was awarded to me by default:
I showed up to mother a baby.
I didn't sign up to be a Warrior Mom.
It was awarded to me by default:
I showed up to mother a baby.
In the early days of our adoption,
I clanked around in oversize Armor that hung heavy and slow.
It took me awhile to realize that it had been designed for me to grow into...
I'd been outfitted as a Warrior Mom
but didn't understand what I was fighting.

It was with fear and steel
that I dealt with awful knowledge:
I was fighting for the love and affection
of a baby who no longer trusted.

Making a child's world right
is all-consuming and never-ending.
I figured out why I wore Armor: it held me up at the end of the day.
So many invisible dragons to slay!
I battled for my baby
and I battled to be her mother.
I took rejection-- arrows glancing off metal-- and came back for more.
I demanded a place in the life of my daughter
and I learned to share her with her past.

I became a Warrior Mom
and ditched the Armor, but kept the shield.
Not for me, but to protect the child that became mine
through sweat and tears and years of no sleep!

Who knew this Mom could tilt at windmills
angry feelings and powerful ghosts?
I don't cook, can't sew, won't craft
but I learned I could fight
and I don't give up.
Sometimes it takes a Warrior Mom
to claim a child who has gone past love.

Untapped, under-appreciated,
a Mother's Will is Mighty.
It can make love spring from metal
And change Armor to open arms.


Love your children - hold them close for as long as you can.