I spent a lot of time in the gym today!!!

Believe it or not doing all those silly exercises helps to even everything out. And I did a lot of thinking about everything today. I remembered I have such a totally cool life. There are so many amazing people in my life. And there are so many people waiting for the little one to come home so that they can all meet him. I always think I live so quietly but I cannot believe how many people in my life simply expect, nay demand, up-to-the-minute news. And they have already made clear they expect to see him frequently. It is my quiet life for goodness sakes - these people even rarely see me - truly. Much less my academic studies - I live in awe of those people. :0 (I will talk about them in a later post - Dr. Freels is so totally way cool I cannot believe it!!!!!)

The total all - it is so wonderful I simply stand in awe of it all. :) I simply fell in love with a little one and then him for me. It all seemed so simple even though it is complex and difficult. I never considered anyone else would want to hear the story. After others prodded me it occurred to me that it might be helpful to others if I shared my stories from my first trip given it was such an awesome experience. The picture at the top of this page was taken on the bay in Vlad by another fantastic adopting family. They are such an inspiration to me. The sweetness of Peter telling Masha goodnight will never leave me. Of course we bring our children into our lives but his sweetness of giving her comfort while in the embrace of her new family will always make my heart remember. I was not blessed to see Peter welcome his sons after the process was done. But I know it went well!!!!

Such amazing people. That bay is edged by a small amusement park that was closed when we were there in March. I had hoped to take the little one there during the return trip since it was to be open in the summer but that may not happen.

Good thing in a way because then I would have some justification for buying that coat in the pic which while it was on a closeout sale (February in Portland is like spring in other places) but it still cost a bit. Soooo if I could use it for another really cold trip to Vlad my fiscally conservative feelings would be soothed. I am thankful that my mother, after my father died, took the family north to Montana in search of the perfect small town so that I could understand some places on the planet get really really cold - hence the coat. And the serious supply of the long underwear that helps out. And if you adopt in Vlad in the winter do not forget to get good footwear.

Tonight I will refrain from describing the most wonderful first meeting with my son simply because it needs to be done properly. It was such a wonderful experience that I want to make sure I get it all exactly right for everyone. That being said, I would note it is important to be busy and engaged while going through this process. My going to the gym is simply the tip of the iceberg. :)

One thing I did once I decided to adopt a waiting child was to read even more books on adoption and the adopted child. And the medical issues - I have read so much I can literally quote stats about the particular issues which makes me a somewhat cranky mama when people try to gloss over stuff because they see me as a non-medical person. I have read through such huge piles of stuff (in English and Russian) such that when people approach me about wanting to learn about adoption, I can pull books out addressing their specific issues. But I ultimately feel that is still a surface situation. The most important thing is being ready to love from the heart out.

I tend to do that anyway but I think we all need to remember it is how the heart loves that helps the children grow best. I have been, and continue to, work so hard to make sure I am a good mom that, even though I always keep before me the little ones absolute insistence his mother would come for him (that is a story for another day), I still fall into the trap of focusing on that which I can control in the day-to-day drone of existence.

So I try to refocus on his issues. One of the things I did when I decided to adopt him was to begin a cross-stitch design to commemorate this family event. It is totally cool and can be found at http://www.tiag.com/ (click on Angel of Mercy II). I started it the day I filed the paperwork. It was originally a design I had bought to make for my sister and her youngest but never got around to it. I worked on it to trips to D.C. for work. I worked on it on planes to Russia. I worked on it during the daily six plus hour drives from Vlad to his orphanage. This offer of love currently rules my nights and weekends. It is my gift to him. Of course I love him and I am already the mother of his heart but I wanted him to see that love is sometimes simply a gift that has nothing to do with food, clothing or shelter. :) Or even boy things because moms are simply loving and somewhat sappy. :)

And maybe when he is a young man (soon to be) and I am late taking him to school for the last time, he will remember that I have always been there making forever memories for him - even if I forget near deadlines.

So I think I have gone on just a bit so I will say good night. Take care and take love out into the world - Sarah :)

Thank you everyone! It is all good even though it may not be roses :)

So I am still trying to figure out how to respond to everyone. I know, I know, it is just a simple click (probably) but I am so overwhelmed by the love I forget to figure that part out. And I have been seriously working on the little one's issues.

And life has just been so crazy. I am sure I have told people before but I kind of work in a zoo. It pays well enough but the residents are a bit touched. And last week was a bit over top. It is like, people cannot really act like that - but of course they do.

And today - well today took a bit of work so as to get up the hill. I always say if God brings us to it he will bring us through it but geez, this one took some deep breaths. Several weeks ago a family (not CHI) who adopted a cleft child out of China recommended a doctor to contact given she specialized in international adoption. I totally love my family doctor Kathleen given she is so way cool, but she recently moved to southern Oregon due to family issues I thought I would at least talk with this new doctor that is within biking distance of my job.

I have never been one to simply settle but that doctor's visit today felt a lot like that. Even though they sent me initial paperwork in the child's name the visit today was handled as if I was the new patient. At every turn I was simply waived onto the next person as I tried to explain they had the wrong take on why I was there.

So then the visit went on. The doctor came in and took my family history of health. It was like I was being plugged into some kind of impersonal matrix of health information. It is even computerized and I was told I should be comforted by that fact. Suddenly that form I needed to sign and submit in order to keep my little one's information being subjected to anonymous genetic testing started sending off large alarm bells in my head. This situation is not the caring help and sensitive transition I am seeking for my little one.

At some point the doctor realized the visit was not about me but it was for the little one. The doctor then indicated that she did not do these kind of visits at this location but somewhere else. Then she adjusted and focused on the little one - sort of. I tried to make sure the doctor understood the little one was a bilateral cleft palate child with some in country surgery and there were other medical issues. (DuH!!!)

After not really listening to me the doctor started to review my hand written notes about what I was told in Russia about the little one's medical history (after not listening to me). Later those notes were copied. Anyway, at the start of those notes there was a note that there was smoking and alcohol consumption during pregnancy. So, ironically, I was then treated to a tentatively approached yet strongly pursued conversation about the most overt physical manifestations of FAS. Like potentially an overly flat section beneath the little one's nose. Given he was a bilateral cleft he didn't really have a nose before the wonderful doctors in Russia did two surgeries so that was not a real good help.

At this point I am seriously sad about this whole interaction but I decide to not stand up, wave my hands at the idiocy and walk out. Overt behavior can so get you in trouble. :) So then the doctor told me there was probably an unnaturally flat area around his eyes. I said I was aware this possibility and had not observed such. It really felt like I was really rowing up against the current at this point. I frankly cannot imagine what it would have felt like if I had the little one home. This is seriously hard work. And the prejudice makes me even sadder.

Anyway, finally, the doctor looked at the pics. I had only marked a couple of pics in the photo album I have prepared for court so as to show the doctor some of my specific concerns but she looked at them all. As a mom I was most concerned about discussing his need for muscle therapy, his eye sight, the need for bridge, blah, blah, blah. But she looked at all the pictures - even the one I took on day two of my beloved morning cup of coffee. And she did not address my blah, blah, blah.

So after I left, called my Mom and complained. I love my boy and I am not happy with anyone who interferes with his best interests, no matter who that may be in this world. It is obvious that this was not the doctor for us.

Life is silly. But it is good. And these children are just there, quietly waiting for us to get past it all and bring them home. Keep the faith and God bless. And I ask you to please pray for the little one - and however God decides. It really is all good in his hands - just believe. :) Sarah

Sorry for checking out for awhile ...

Some of those who I love so well reminded me that people would like updates so here I go. ALL THE PAPERWORK IS DONE!!! YEAH!!! And the little one's room is mostly done. I am not sure if I talked about it before but when I asked him what his favorite color was he indicated orange. Tangerine orange to be exact. (I personally thought - ick!!) That made this mama-to-be sad given I was hoping to paint his room in the said favorite color when the expected response was to be blue or green. A sign of what it is to be mom. I cannot wait for the horny toads of which my mother remembers so fondly. A total yuck.

I have struggled to accommodate his indication and find resolution between his preference and my inane American need to personalize his room. It seems so like such a silly thing but as many of you know those of who wait try and fix that which is in our control and let God deal with the rest. Hence, the trim in the yellow room will be orange and there are accents that should even out everything aesthetically.

The best thing about the room is that it will reflect the Russian cartoon character Chebrushka which, to the little one, is the story of his life. The little one is a cleft child and while Russia has been fantastic in giving him a functional face and nose, others still tease him. He of course thinks he is beautiful and I thank God for a picture of that moment. On the first day I met him he kept squeezing the toy I brought for him. Then the caretaker (who is so fantastic!) did the same thing so on the second day I asked to stop at a toy store and bought the only stuffed toy that made a sound when squeezed. I found out later it was a well-known Russian cartoon character. In the story, a strange creature arrives somewhere in Russia in an orange crate. To my American eyes Chebrushka looks like a cross between a monkey and a panda bear. Anyway, in the story Chebrushka has no friends because he looks kind of funny until he is befriended by a crocodile, finds a home, other friends and goes to school.

Once I gave that doll to my little one he walked around and played it non-stop until I asked the translator what the toy was singing (my Russian was not up to that!). So it all works out. God puts us on the path. It is our job simply to put one foot in front of another. And trust. And now his room is done in a monkey theme. It is nice since my favorite stuffed toy was a monkey when I was a kid. Seems like a good fit.

On to other things. I finished my art history classes with A's. Now am going to the gym daily in addition to biking to and from work. And I study Russian daily even though it often drives me to my knees. It helps to be distracted. It really does. In addition to getting the little one's room finished I painted most of the first floor of my house. While the more public rooms are done in a tasteful plum and watercolor lily, the master bath was treated to an intense pink. It is so pink it made the adjacent hallway glow. Wow. :) I might have to repaint that next year but for now it really kick starts the day.

So I continue to wait for the travel email. At 5 plus months it hurts. It is my little boy I need to bring home. But I keep finding things to handle for the little one. Portland Oregon public schools have a federal grant for full Russian immersion from kindergarden through high school and I have been working with people to get the little one in sync with it all. There is no other program like it in the country. In addition, Portland has two medical centers that have state-of-the-art, international traveling, cleft palete intervention teams one of which is connected to our Children's hospital so he is covered for medical issues as well as educational needs. As soon as we land, I call and he is in process so that we can evaluate what he needs now. He was a baby when I started this adoption and now he is a young man. My heart hurts.

I miss him so much. People ask me why I adopt internationally, and frankly I am still not sure of the answer. I know I was searching for my child and God brought me to him. He is such a wonderful child and I am so lucky. Thank you God.

I ask you all, if you will, to pray that we finish all this silly legal process stuff soon so that the little one can come home. He is the most amazing child. When I look at him all I can say is WOW.