I cannot believe we have been home so long!

Every day is a joy. So much has been happening.

First on the school front. It has been a war, no doubt. To be honest, Sasha has had a teacher unable to cope with him which caused her to employ what I will call less than optimal choices to "control his behavior" which then led to him going to the de-esclation room everyday so as to get away from her. And yes, he has been employing the "accidents in his pants as a rebellion tactic" which the special school people continue to miss but I get it. I do not address it other than to discuss and maybe put him in diapers if he threatens to "do it again." And then he came home everyday and told me he couldn't "take it anymore." Of course he should not take such silliness. Mama then goes to battle stations.

As I tell everybody our kiddos have excellent survival behaviors in place. Those skills only look odd here in middle class America. If we understand that then we (I) have the key to "unlock" the puzzle. So then school got a full court press to fix the problem or move my son. Federal law is clear on this issue. We are now transitioning my sweetie to another classroom. He is over the moon. I hope with the right room he can finally take off in learning. And yet, I am so proud. This time last year he still only spoke Russian and could not color, write or count in either language. Today he writes apology letters (with me writing out the words he dictates) to people when he has had a difficult day with them. What an amazing child. I am so proud to be his Mom. And I tell every parent to Fight, Fight, Fight. If we push hard enough the system will do what it is supposed to do and our kids will be okay.

Now for the somewhat sad thing for me. I think that I have indicated in prior posts that there was a failed in country adoption placement for my son. How formal or informal it was is not clear to me. Certainly I was not told about it during my adoption process. Yet, now home my son has finally told me about it. At least some of it. And it breaks my heart. Even if the "people in charge" did not find it worth noting, my son certainly did. He first told me about his other Mom fairly recently. He told me that she had told him to wait at the orphanage and she would "come for him soon." And then she told him to tell nobody.

Suddenly, all the pieces fell into place. For those who read this blog and were there in Russia with us, the extreme behavior may now have an explanation. I remember sitting in traffic outside of the American Embassy in Moscow and Sasha being a screaming, flailing child. I remember Cindy trying to cope with her sweetie pie of a daughter and the driver looking at me like "just make him stop." Of course Sasha could not stop. If I took him back (across the entire expanse of Russia!!!) then he would be where that other Mama told him to be so that "one day she would come back for him."

Sasha did not stop trying to go back until just recently. Once he told me why he had to go back to the orphanage we then talked about how that would look. And blah, blah, blah. It ultimately does not matter about the particulars but rather my commitment to him and his goals. Once we worked that out, things got incredibly better in the house. Even his speech and cognitive functions seem to take a leap forward. I am seeing such a less damaged child. It is almost as if he was faking being younger as a protection. (And that makes total sense!) Once I convinced him (finally) that he does not need protection from me, he let on that he can actually tie his own shoes. The little stinker.

So this long road home for our family has finally shown me that if you are doing all the right things to heal a child with damage and if the family still lives in hell after a bit of time, someone may have lobbed a grenade into the life of your child. Hang tight! Hang tight because that child has a different script for the life. And it probably has additional add-on dysfunctional behavioral patterns. If you love your child enough, unconditionally, that child will eventually concede the battle.

I, while still do not entirely know how to manage the terms of potential future contact with that other Mom, my son is healing before my eyes and becoming whole. I could not ask for more than than that.