I drafted an excellent post about our wonderful Saturday and then Sunday happened. It started early. The temporarily assigned crisis intervention team (who have no experience with trauma children with attachment issues) spent most of the day in our home. Then they left and Alex erupted. Wow. It was a doozy. He was transported to the hospital where they told him would be hours before he could be seen and that he should go home. Alex went home. Calmly.
Alex and I talked that night. He told me he still felt sure that he could be sent back to the orphanage in Russia at any time. I talked about how it wasn't possible but he still told me that while he believed I wouldn't do it, it could still happen. Alex told me he tried to make it happen faster so that losing me wouldn't hurt so much.
My poor sweetie. Needing love so much and fearing it as it surrounds him. No wonder he fights so hard to work out a back-up plan. He is looking for a place nearby so that he can stay here. Near his home and family.
Monday we went to see his long time psychologist - Wes. That guy is brilliant about Alex and his issues. He kindly pointed out that have such a wonderful Saturday only pushed Alex further into extreme behavior. Pretty much textbook attachment fear reaction but it is still hard for a Mom to hear - don't make it so nice and happy.
Tuesday I kept it as low key as possible but I had promised a trip to Alex's favorite restaurant on Monday so that plan was already agreed upon. There was the situation where Alex's sister had gotten into his room and broken some of his stuff. I gave a stern talk to her and as a consequence discussed with everyone in the house, she was not allowed to go to lunch with us. Alex was hurt but he saw there were consequences given and his space was valued. We decided how to protect his room from his sister. We then went to lunch at Red Robin, one of his favorite restaurants. He ate until he could eat no more. He remembered that his grandmother wanted a to-go order for staying home with sister. Alex was one happy kid with all those balloons from the restaurant.
After dinner, my now very large son kept climbing into my lap and cuddling. Something he has rarely done. And then he went home, did some things for his grandmother and then went to bed.
The path back to normalcy is one taken in small steps. It is a path that makes a Mom take risks that scare her and make the heart pound faster. There are so many choices to make - to address this issue, or that behavior in the moment - or let it go. Do I enforce that family rule or let it go? Do I talk more about what is happening - or let it go? Alex is obviously struggling with issues that overwhelm him, being the one that figures out what he needs to know and hear is so hard. But I do it.
All of us want to be happy and safe. I know I do. I know my kids want that too. For the first time today Alex told me that his prior adoptive Mom had hurt him while the older bio kids looked on and the formerly discussed abusive adoptive father did nothing when Alex told him. That is the first time he has ever, EVER, EVER, said anything negative about that former adoptive mother. For Alex to admit that was - unbelievable.
After that he was back at the orphanage. I asked him if I had ever hurt him like that and he said no - and that I never would. I told him that sometimes people try to be moms but they are not really ready. I told him it was not his fault he had been hurt.
Alex told me that he had not done anything wrong but maybe asked for something and made that other Mom mad. My sweetie is seeking protection from rejection. Talking about it is the path back to normalcy.
Do I think we are done? Maybe yes and maybe no. People talk about attachment but it is really about love. Our children look to us about how to learn about love. I know I looked to my parents about it and carry those examples into my life every day. Does Alex yet know what it is to love - yes of course. Is he beginning to believe that he is loved as he loves - just a bit.
More amazing - he is trying to look just like me. He dresses like me, he wears my extra pairs of sunglasses, and he is trying emulate my mannerisms. I just hope I continue to show him what love and a happy life looks like in real time.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Still we trudge up the hill of Alex's fear of being loved
It was a war in the house today. That hasn't happened before. Alex started with slightly self-harming behaviors and then he tried to run. He started to de-escalate and then trapped me in the kitchen, refusing to let me call the wrap-around services help. It then became a war. Alex tried to get out the front door to run even though I had called for the home support services and 911. It took like it seemed forever for help to come. My kid fought hard. I fought hard too - for him. If he had gotten away at that point he would have jumped from the second story of our house.
It is every parents nightmare. Fighting your kid to save him.
And then the police came. Alex walked out of the house calmly and went to the hospital - calmly.
I went dealt with all the hospital people and social workers today. I went and brought Alex back down enough to come home - without being drugged.
The rest of the day with Alex at home was normal life. Like the morning had never happened. Alex's eyes were still so wide and the pupils were extremely dilated. It so scares me when he looks like that.
Me and the rest of the family went back to normal life too. At the same time we all waited to see if he would re-erupt. Alex apologize to me in pieces about the day. Life went back to normal. The switch from the morning to the afternoon was extremely disquieting.
We all trudge up the hill of Alex's fear of being loved. Today our home was ground zero with me the target. I did fight back, mostly while I was calling the community wrap-a-round services and 911. The phone lines were open as I defended myself and attempted to contain Alex until help arrived.
Did any of it make a difference today, I do not know. I know Alex still fears loving me because I did not keep him safe from bullying last year.
I want adoptive parents to hear this well - you can and will gain your children's trust of safety within the first 18 months - give or take a few. The problem is that if your kids suffer any later inadvertent harm that they perceived you could have stopped, you will have an attachment disorder problem in your home. At that point you, as a parent, will be required to go through every safety scenario of concern of your child from their previous life.
It becomes a war between you and your child about love. Your child cannot understand it and you will be the person to teach it to them again. People will ask if your child can go to a friend or family member. Resist! Keep your children close. Let your child know you will still be there no matter what. Let your child see what love looks like every day and in the trenches. Do not let your child think you will allow space between you and them.
Think about it - our child did not grow in our bellies, nor did they get to nurse at our breasts. We became their parents after they learned to handle extreme rejection and neglect. We love them and they fear further rejection.
I know my Mom. She has been there all of my life. I grew in her belly and was born into my family. She nursed me. She and my father had another child because they were so happy with having a baby - me. My Mom has been there all of my days. Even when I have been less than a perfect child.
I want Alex to know that kind of Mom too. It is the most wonderful feeling. So we trudge up the hill of Alex's fear of being loved.
It is every parents nightmare. Fighting your kid to save him.
And then the police came. Alex walked out of the house calmly and went to the hospital - calmly.
I went dealt with all the hospital people and social workers today. I went and brought Alex back down enough to come home - without being drugged.
The rest of the day with Alex at home was normal life. Like the morning had never happened. Alex's eyes were still so wide and the pupils were extremely dilated. It so scares me when he looks like that.
Me and the rest of the family went back to normal life too. At the same time we all waited to see if he would re-erupt. Alex apologize to me in pieces about the day. Life went back to normal. The switch from the morning to the afternoon was extremely disquieting.
We all trudge up the hill of Alex's fear of being loved. Today our home was ground zero with me the target. I did fight back, mostly while I was calling the community wrap-a-round services and 911. The phone lines were open as I defended myself and attempted to contain Alex until help arrived.
Did any of it make a difference today, I do not know. I know Alex still fears loving me because I did not keep him safe from bullying last year.
I want adoptive parents to hear this well - you can and will gain your children's trust of safety within the first 18 months - give or take a few. The problem is that if your kids suffer any later inadvertent harm that they perceived you could have stopped, you will have an attachment disorder problem in your home. At that point you, as a parent, will be required to go through every safety scenario of concern of your child from their previous life.
It becomes a war between you and your child about love. Your child cannot understand it and you will be the person to teach it to them again. People will ask if your child can go to a friend or family member. Resist! Keep your children close. Let your child know you will still be there no matter what. Let your child see what love looks like every day and in the trenches. Do not let your child think you will allow space between you and them.
Think about it - our child did not grow in our bellies, nor did they get to nurse at our breasts. We became their parents after they learned to handle extreme rejection and neglect. We love them and they fear further rejection.
I know my Mom. She has been there all of my life. I grew in her belly and was born into my family. She nursed me. She and my father had another child because they were so happy with having a baby - me. My Mom has been there all of my days. Even when I have been less than a perfect child.
I want Alex to know that kind of Mom too. It is the most wonderful feeling. So we trudge up the hill of Alex's fear of being loved.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
God always put me in the right place
I never question the course of my life. God brought me to my children and he always places me where he needs me to be.
Alex had quite the spectacular run away event on Tuesday but the police tracked down Alex within 20 minutes and had him on route to the hospital. That is quite the story but that is for another day.
Because of the continuing Alex issues, I worked from home today and then had a friend help me go to the store with Alex. We shopped without incident and made it home. I took the first bag in with Daria in tow and dropped by purse on the table. I go back out to my friend's car and all of a sudden I see a blur of young men running across the street.
Two boys started hitting a third and had him on the ground. They hit him and kicked him in the face. I yelled at them I was calling for the police. I ran back into the house to grab my phone and ran back out while dialing 911.
Those two boys were still hitting the one on the ground. I started running toward them to stop them. Only then did they start to leave, but they threatened the beaten young man that they would find him again tomorrow and it would be even worse.
I called the police and attempted to comfort the young man. He just wanted to go home. I asked him to please stay until the police arrived. He agreed to stay on site until the police came but he refused all aid and water. I admit it, I called 911 back and asked where the police were. I was afraid the boy would leave. I finally took him out some water - it is a hot day today - but I let him have his space.
The police came and talked with him. And then they came and talked with me. Given Alex run history, the police officer knew us well. For once I was grateful that everyone at the police precinct has gotten to know me so well. After talking with me, the police officer went back across the street and took that young man's statement.
A little while ago, the father came back with his son to talk to me about it all. He asked if I would swear to what I saw. He is going to be filing charges. Apparently this has happened to this young man before and nobody ever sees anything.
God always puts me in the right place. I saw and I will tell.
I wish someone had done that for Alex last year.
Alex had quite the spectacular run away event on Tuesday but the police tracked down Alex within 20 minutes and had him on route to the hospital. That is quite the story but that is for another day.
Because of the continuing Alex issues, I worked from home today and then had a friend help me go to the store with Alex. We shopped without incident and made it home. I took the first bag in with Daria in tow and dropped by purse on the table. I go back out to my friend's car and all of a sudden I see a blur of young men running across the street.
Two boys started hitting a third and had him on the ground. They hit him and kicked him in the face. I yelled at them I was calling for the police. I ran back into the house to grab my phone and ran back out while dialing 911.
Those two boys were still hitting the one on the ground. I started running toward them to stop them. Only then did they start to leave, but they threatened the beaten young man that they would find him again tomorrow and it would be even worse.
I called the police and attempted to comfort the young man. He just wanted to go home. I asked him to please stay until the police arrived. He agreed to stay on site until the police came but he refused all aid and water. I admit it, I called 911 back and asked where the police were. I was afraid the boy would leave. I finally took him out some water - it is a hot day today - but I let him have his space.
The police came and talked with him. And then they came and talked with me. Given Alex run history, the police officer knew us well. For once I was grateful that everyone at the police precinct has gotten to know me so well. After talking with me, the police officer went back across the street and took that young man's statement.
A little while ago, the father came back with his son to talk to me about it all. He asked if I would swear to what I saw. He is going to be filing charges. Apparently this has happened to this young man before and nobody ever sees anything.
God always puts me in the right place. I saw and I will tell.
I wish someone had done that for Alex last year.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Sweeheart ran the other day but stayed home today
Alex climbed out of his second story bedroom window, crawled down a power line and spent the day playing before the police found him playing on a second story fire slide at the university and then attempting to jump from a window.
That is the call I got - your son is threatening to jump from a scond story window. I ran out of the house since it was just a mere block away yelling to my mom and daughter that Alex was jumping. I got there he screamed at me and then the many policemen and firemen got him down. Six people carried him and then held him to the guerney kicking and screaming while they strapped him down.
I rode in the ambulance, just like I always do.
We got to the new ER (the two others have banned us) and it was a different experience. People got the attachment issue with Alex. People were kind to me and saw me as helping instead of demonizing me. What a difference a change of location makes. The on call representative from the wrap-around service agency was there verifying everything. After even enougth medication to drop a rhino was pumped into Alex he finally dropped. The trauma brain of a child will resist much.
I then took Alex home. He woke up in the taxi and tried to fight before falling back asleep. I carried into our home. All the kids and hit the big bed in my room.
Alex woke up today and tried really hard. Trauma kids need the boundaries gently set back into place after they test family love and I did that for him. We mostly sat and watched really old Disney G-rated movies like Cinderella and Peter Pan.
I made their favorite foods. I tried to address the post-sugery issuse of Daria. I am grateful we see our reconstructive surgeon tomorrow. I gave the kids their preferred desserts and then put them to bed in the living room where I am. We will all head to my room shortly for what remains of our night.
Do I worry about Alex - you bet. The bullying trauma he suffered last year caused him to experience serever attachment issues. Home life hasn't changed but how the trauma effected him within our home has been severe.
What happens at home really is not connected to what Alex does. The other day when he climbed out the window, Alex woke up from a dream. He was awake less than 10 minutes before he left that second story room. When I later asked him why, he told me he stayed as long as he could. And then he left. Without shoes. Without food.
Alex will do what he can. I will sleep near him tonight. I just hope I do not get that call again tomorrow.
Children will do well if they can. And when they cannot, parents need to be there for them.
My little boy is still the best survivor I know.
That is the call I got - your son is threatening to jump from a scond story window. I ran out of the house since it was just a mere block away yelling to my mom and daughter that Alex was jumping. I got there he screamed at me and then the many policemen and firemen got him down. Six people carried him and then held him to the guerney kicking and screaming while they strapped him down.
I rode in the ambulance, just like I always do.
We got to the new ER (the two others have banned us) and it was a different experience. People got the attachment issue with Alex. People were kind to me and saw me as helping instead of demonizing me. What a difference a change of location makes. The on call representative from the wrap-around service agency was there verifying everything. After even enougth medication to drop a rhino was pumped into Alex he finally dropped. The trauma brain of a child will resist much.
I then took Alex home. He woke up in the taxi and tried to fight before falling back asleep. I carried into our home. All the kids and hit the big bed in my room.
Alex woke up today and tried really hard. Trauma kids need the boundaries gently set back into place after they test family love and I did that for him. We mostly sat and watched really old Disney G-rated movies like Cinderella and Peter Pan.
I made their favorite foods. I tried to address the post-sugery issuse of Daria. I am grateful we see our reconstructive surgeon tomorrow. I gave the kids their preferred desserts and then put them to bed in the living room where I am. We will all head to my room shortly for what remains of our night.
Do I worry about Alex - you bet. The bullying trauma he suffered last year caused him to experience serever attachment issues. Home life hasn't changed but how the trauma effected him within our home has been severe.
What happens at home really is not connected to what Alex does. The other day when he climbed out the window, Alex woke up from a dream. He was awake less than 10 minutes before he left that second story room. When I later asked him why, he told me he stayed as long as he could. And then he left. Without shoes. Without food.
Alex will do what he can. I will sleep near him tonight. I just hope I do not get that call again tomorrow.
Children will do well if they can. And when they cannot, parents need to be there for them.
My little boy is still the best survivor I know.
Friday, April 26, 2013
Alex came home the other night
It was a long day. There were lots of calls to people about what to do next. Nobody returned the calls.
Alex's sister Daria, was in day surgery the day I went to get Alex and it took twice as long as anyone expected. Daria is one of those kids where the surgery will always be a very rough experience. She is really struggling with it all. I am struggling with it all. The poor sweetie. Even I, the seasoned cleft Mama worries. She is our fragile angel of blown glass that we all much protect and cosset. Alex has spent hours sitting at her side, watching over her. He went with me to grocery store to make sure I got all the right stuff for her to eat - if she will.
The other night, after settling her at home I went to go get Alex from the pysch hospital. He yelled at me and tried to hit. Finally, four of the staff members carried him out of the unit and into the ground floor waiting room, kicking and and screaming. No one had given him a chance to know what was happening.
So I sat down and told him we would do whatever he needed. I told him about how much Daria needed him to be home and help her since he was the "seasoned" cleft surgery kid. After a few minutes I had him sitting on my lap and I told him how much I loved him. He told me how much he missed me and wanted to go home. After awhile I called cab and we went home. Quietly. Peacefully. Calmly.
People from a privately funded organization came to the house to try and help with a community plan for when Alex runs. It sounds like mostly they will develop a script to give to the police and doctors when Alex does his run thing. My insurance does not cover it but the children's hospital Alex has been to many times accessed some emergency funds to provide this service to us. I am sure they did it not for Alex but to avoid the legal liability they have incurred concerning their care of Alex. If it works, it would be nice. I will still pursue all avenues to strip the hospital of the ability to do what they did to us. Another family would probably not survive what was done to us. Families in crisis do not need the additional burdens of attacks while seeking help. I continue to thank G-d for all my friends and family that help out while we wait for Alex to get back to center.
Frankly, I think our non-triggering Alex is back. Did Alex find confirmation of love and commitment from me and the family he was seeking? I certainly hope so, for his sake. I know that at every moment he is acting out he looks to me to see if I will be that that other Mom from his failed adoption in Russia. Will I turn away? Will I leave him? Did I, or the family have a limit we will set on his behavior before turning away. Not likely. Alex has deep emotional scars from the before time that the bullying last year brought back into his daily life.
Families stand firm with one another. We all love one another so much. I stand ready and then we all get on with normal life. Mostly the family issue has moved on to our concern about Daria, post-surgery. I worry for my baby girl tonight. Alex sleeps in his room, surrounded by all his stuff. It is normal life - for us.
Sometimes people ask me - would you adopt again, knowing what you know. Yeah, I would do it again. My son was thrown away and lost. He has been found. Here, close to my heart he will remain. My son does okay. We all do okay.
Alex's sister Daria, was in day surgery the day I went to get Alex and it took twice as long as anyone expected. Daria is one of those kids where the surgery will always be a very rough experience. She is really struggling with it all. I am struggling with it all. The poor sweetie. Even I, the seasoned cleft Mama worries. She is our fragile angel of blown glass that we all much protect and cosset. Alex has spent hours sitting at her side, watching over her. He went with me to grocery store to make sure I got all the right stuff for her to eat - if she will.
The other night, after settling her at home I went to go get Alex from the pysch hospital. He yelled at me and tried to hit. Finally, four of the staff members carried him out of the unit and into the ground floor waiting room, kicking and and screaming. No one had given him a chance to know what was happening.
So I sat down and told him we would do whatever he needed. I told him about how much Daria needed him to be home and help her since he was the "seasoned" cleft surgery kid. After a few minutes I had him sitting on my lap and I told him how much I loved him. He told me how much he missed me and wanted to go home. After awhile I called cab and we went home. Quietly. Peacefully. Calmly.
People from a privately funded organization came to the house to try and help with a community plan for when Alex runs. It sounds like mostly they will develop a script to give to the police and doctors when Alex does his run thing. My insurance does not cover it but the children's hospital Alex has been to many times accessed some emergency funds to provide this service to us. I am sure they did it not for Alex but to avoid the legal liability they have incurred concerning their care of Alex. If it works, it would be nice. I will still pursue all avenues to strip the hospital of the ability to do what they did to us. Another family would probably not survive what was done to us. Families in crisis do not need the additional burdens of attacks while seeking help. I continue to thank G-d for all my friends and family that help out while we wait for Alex to get back to center.
Frankly, I think our non-triggering Alex is back. Did Alex find confirmation of love and commitment from me and the family he was seeking? I certainly hope so, for his sake. I know that at every moment he is acting out he looks to me to see if I will be that that other Mom from his failed adoption in Russia. Will I turn away? Will I leave him? Did I, or the family have a limit we will set on his behavior before turning away. Not likely. Alex has deep emotional scars from the before time that the bullying last year brought back into his daily life.
Families stand firm with one another. We all love one another so much. I stand ready and then we all get on with normal life. Mostly the family issue has moved on to our concern about Daria, post-surgery. I worry for my baby girl tonight. Alex sleeps in his room, surrounded by all his stuff. It is normal life - for us.
Sometimes people ask me - would you adopt again, knowing what you know. Yeah, I would do it again. My son was thrown away and lost. He has been found. Here, close to my heart he will remain. My son does okay. We all do okay.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Sometimes kids just struggle
Love your children - hold them close for as long as you can.
For reasons known to no one, Alex started running away about three weeks ago. There were no issues at home. There were no changes. It was a happy life.
Alex ran away four times in one week. He got lost one night and was attacked by strangers. People gave him money even knowing he was running away. When the police brought him back, he came with a rooster (we live in a city!). When he ran again after returning the rooster, the police asked me to ask the doctors for help, so crying I asked.
Thus began our hell that lasted 337 hours and 10 minutes or just over 15 days living in the Emergency Room of our Children's Hospital. I have watched Alex tantrum like he never has before. I have seen him given anti-psychotic medications at levels grown men are given - to no effect.
My custody of Alex has been repeatedly threatened far reasons not made clear to me.
Yesterday, at 8:15 pm Alex was transferred to an inpatient facility that had discharged him unstable last year. My concern about him being sent back there for help was one of the reasons my custody of him was repeatedly threatened.
At 5:12 pm today, 21 hours after that transfer, the inpatient facility called me to tell me they were ready to discharge him. They suggested that I give up my son to the state. They said there was nothing they could do to help.
That facility also failed to note his current medications and began giving him a drug that has proven ineffective for him and then told me that his current medication schedule is too "difficult for them to maintain."
Alex has asked them if he can live in their basement. My poor sweetie. He was locked in a cellar in the ground while still in Russia which was loaded with spiders. He still has serious issues surrounding this. The odds that he could be in a basement for more than a moment is low. He will not even go into the basement of my Mom's former house. I do not know why he would ask for that, and the doctors and staff do not even care to ask why.
I often wonder what the medical people think and feel as they fail this child. Alex is lost and looking for a way out of the room of mirrors. Alex also has a lot of rage for the two Moms before that failed him. Every time he hits, kicks or swears at me, I know he is still raging at those who left him. Silly boy, like I would let him live in a basement. :)
I have been home just over 24 hours now, after living on the floor of the pediatric ER and/or in the psychiatric isolation room on the adult side for over 15 days. My house is normal life filled with family, friends, cats and a couple of dogs. My daughter and I had a "girls day out" with some retail therapy which was awesome. Daria is very opinionated about my preference for black (too gloomy!!!) and the fact that sparkles makes me "high fashion." She is a joy every day.
I will get up tomorrow and do what needs to be done for my children.
People keep telling me to send Alex to the "farm" option. That is permanent warehousing for children away from their families. I simply cannot consider that option yet.
I remember Alex had restraint marks on him when I picked him up from the orphanage. I took pictures and asked for explanations. Of course there were none. I remember Alex and I spending many hours of trauma therapy addressing him being strapped to a bed in Russia and being given drugs through needles. I just spent 15 days watching American doctors doing the same thing to Alex. And attacking me when I tried to get them to stop.
Sometimes kids just struggle. Parents who wade into the deep with their children are often attacked too and victimized by the people who cannot listen to the screams of a child in crisis.
Some people who like labels and now call Alex RAD as well as PTSD. Alex began having an attachment disorder about six weeks after he was brutally bullied in the public school system. A severe attachment disorder can begin after a traumatic event such as what he experienced last year.
Alex and I had beat the odds. He deeply loves me. During all this time, he keeps coming over to kiss me and comfort me. He probably loves me even more than I love him - if that is possible! Because of that, in light of last year, he will pound on me as hard as he can to see if I will walk away.
What I have is a little boy whom I love so much. If I thought it was in his best interest, I would walk. But I do not. It will never be the best option for Alex. Everyone needs to know that their Mother will be there for them no matter what. My Mom would never leave my side. No matter what. My Mom does that for me so how could I do any less? I cannot. I simply love him too much. I will never be able to let go. Alex needs to know the love of a mother that I know. My parents would expect no less from me.
I had the most amazing parents. Love of their children was the most important thing for them. That is what I remember best about being a child in my family. I pass that value onto my children every day by me living it for them.
For parents that want to read more about RAD with PTSD I offer this humble link.
I also offer this poem by a Mom of a child in need of a warrior.
Warrior Moms
by Jean MacLeod
I didn't sign up to be a Warrior Mom.It was awarded to me by default:
I showed up to mother a baby.
I didn't sign up to be a Warrior Mom.
It was awarded to me by default:
I showed up to mother a baby.
In the early days of our adoption,
I clanked around in oversize Armor that hung heavy and slow.
It took me awhile to realize that it had been designed for me to grow into...
I'd been outfitted as a Warrior Mom
but didn't understand what I was fighting.
It was with fear and steel
that I dealt with awful knowledge:
I was fighting for the love and affection
of a baby who no longer trusted.
Making a child's world right
is all-consuming and never-ending.
I figured out why I wore Armor: it held me up at the end of the day.
So many invisible dragons to slay!
I battled for my baby
and I battled to be her mother.
I took rejection-- arrows glancing off metal-- and came back for more.
I demanded a place in the life of my daughter
and I learned to share her with her past.
I became a Warrior Mom
and ditched the Armor, but kept the shield.
Not for me, but to protect the child that became mine
through sweat and tears and years of no sleep!
Who knew this Mom could tilt at windmills
angry feelings and powerful ghosts?
I don't cook, can't sew, won't craft
but I learned I could fight
and I don't give up.
Sometimes it takes a Warrior Mom
to claim a child who has gone past love.
Untapped, under-appreciated,
a Mother's Will is Mighty.
It can make love spring from metal
And change Armor to open arms.
Love your children - hold them close for as long as you can.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Good for Alex! A happy family
Alex just went back into braces and he currently has five different orthodontic devises in his mouth - all due to the ongoing reconstruction. The sweetie - I promised him a really, really big bag of salt water taffy when it is all done. He has no idea what that is since he has been braces and/or palate expanders since coming home. It is his beloved babushka's favorite sweet so I cannot wait for him to try it. It will be another thing they can share together.
Daria is due to be in braces too, but we have to wait until they repair her lip so she may not get into the braces until the summer. She needs to have some teeth straightened so that we can do the bone graft. She is one of the lucky ones - most of her upper front teeth came in so the braces will help preserve them.
My kids just know they have what they need when they need it. They also try to "compete" about who has braces. All the doctors just smile and laugh. The reconstructive surgeon commented that he had never seen kids vie for surgery. Then we all smile - me and the doctors. We are the cleft family and it is a good life.
Changing gears a bit, also awesome is Alex's healing from the horrific bullying at school. I cannot determine who is happier that we have our Alex back - is it me, the many, many, doctors, the friends, the family members, the nanny or is it the therapists? Actually, I think it is Alex himself. Alex came home with a trunk full of issues and he trusted all of us to help him which we did. And then Alex got over those issues and moved beyond them.
When the bullying happened last year and none of us outside of the school setting saw it, he thought we failed him and acted to protect himself. Once the institutionalized bullying system in the school system was discovered and removed from his life, Alex had his life back. The rest of us will always do what is needed for Alex of course, but the bigger issue is that Alex gained back his life for himself - on his own terms. And his terms are simple - he wants to be happy every day and no more darkness. He doesn't give it and he doesn't want it around him. Just like every other normal, well-adjusted human being.
So I am back to having a normal 10-year-old little boy. Is the school system and those who oversee it doing what they need to do? Not so much.
We are the happy family. We are also the normal family. They have age appropriate issues and, my personal joy, sibling conflict.
Good for Alex!
As a final note, my Mom survived the infection in her blood that less than 10 percent of people who contract it do. That has been the most difficult time. It took a couple of months, but she lived. While that is an issue outside of the parameters of this blog, it is worth noting it was a terribly difficult time for the family. We endured. We also had a lot of people help us and take care of what we needed, when we needed it. Mostly people stood by. My kids got so see what love looks like in the trenches. We are a happy family. And not just because I said so :)
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Family Life a Little More Normal
Mom continues to improve. She sent me to Starbucks today to pick up her signature mocha. :) The nurses were impressed.
It is still too soon to know what we will do, but it will be all okay. As long as she lives, I can stop crying and the rest is easy. I took one of my favorite down napping quilts in for her because she has been so cold in the hospital and I want her warmer. People heal faster if they are not shivering all the time. I also told her to eat more and put so fat on. :) The nurses are amazed at how much I get her to do.
Rookies. I have have dealt with so much worse. For the rest of my life I think everything will be measured against what I personally call the Alex Standard. He has really set the bar fairly high. He is a normal little boy today but that took time and work. In what I find to be the funniest interaction of all is Alex telling his babushka that the last tube needs to come out - and she should have done it days ago. Alex has been celebrating as the number of tubes became less. He knows about this issue well. They are so terribly sweet with one another. I never truly understood before now how deeply connected they are with one another.
My mom complains that I sound too much like the nurses and they have too many rules. Again, I have done a lot of time with the medical people so I get it and I then explain it to her in detail. Then she does what is needed.
After our visit today the kids and I went to a crafts store to stock up on science kits and art projects. I think we spent a little too much but they were so happy with what we decided upon so that is what we did. As I am swooning a little during the swiping of my debit card, Alex races back to the valentine stuff and picks out a sticker book for both him and his sister. He then pulls out his money he has saved from chores and plops down the payment. He was so proud. He is a paying customer too. And his sister was ecstatic.
My children are so terribly sweet with one another. I would like to think it is my influence but I am not sure. Maybe it is all the sappy Disney movies we all watch. I do not know. I am just so terribly grateful that we have such a wonderful family life daily. That is our normal.
So then we went home and I stacked the projects in the work area while they tore around the house playing. For the first time in weeks I made a dinner which had some of my creative flair with the baked chicken - and all the right portions of everything. Given my kids were so lacking in nutrition when they came home, it has been my most important priority that they get the right foods, and plenty of them. For instance, my children guzzle bottled water like other kids drink soda. They love broccoli. They think snacks are always a fruit or vegetable. Last couple of weeks it has been a struggle, with me falling back on the plan B heat and serves options, while still good, they lacked inspiration.
The fact that I walked back into my kitchen and created food with joy, is a sign things are getting better. Now if the eggplant in the frig can remain good for another day, I will be a happy camper.
We are the lucky ones. We found one another. Our family is happy and getting back to our normal happy pace.
Alex goes to rock climbing class tomorrow. He is always such a hoot hanging off that wall. He races through the exercises and is absolutely fearless hanging by a mere grip and dangling. He is amazing to watch. Daria and I will practice her dance routine simply because she loves it so much. Life is good.
It is still too soon to know what we will do, but it will be all okay. As long as she lives, I can stop crying and the rest is easy. I took one of my favorite down napping quilts in for her because she has been so cold in the hospital and I want her warmer. People heal faster if they are not shivering all the time. I also told her to eat more and put so fat on. :) The nurses are amazed at how much I get her to do.
Rookies. I have have dealt with so much worse. For the rest of my life I think everything will be measured against what I personally call the Alex Standard. He has really set the bar fairly high. He is a normal little boy today but that took time and work. In what I find to be the funniest interaction of all is Alex telling his babushka that the last tube needs to come out - and she should have done it days ago. Alex has been celebrating as the number of tubes became less. He knows about this issue well. They are so terribly sweet with one another. I never truly understood before now how deeply connected they are with one another.
My mom complains that I sound too much like the nurses and they have too many rules. Again, I have done a lot of time with the medical people so I get it and I then explain it to her in detail. Then she does what is needed.
After our visit today the kids and I went to a crafts store to stock up on science kits and art projects. I think we spent a little too much but they were so happy with what we decided upon so that is what we did. As I am swooning a little during the swiping of my debit card, Alex races back to the valentine stuff and picks out a sticker book for both him and his sister. He then pulls out his money he has saved from chores and plops down the payment. He was so proud. He is a paying customer too. And his sister was ecstatic.
My children are so terribly sweet with one another. I would like to think it is my influence but I am not sure. Maybe it is all the sappy Disney movies we all watch. I do not know. I am just so terribly grateful that we have such a wonderful family life daily. That is our normal.
So then we went home and I stacked the projects in the work area while they tore around the house playing. For the first time in weeks I made a dinner which had some of my creative flair with the baked chicken - and all the right portions of everything. Given my kids were so lacking in nutrition when they came home, it has been my most important priority that they get the right foods, and plenty of them. For instance, my children guzzle bottled water like other kids drink soda. They love broccoli. They think snacks are always a fruit or vegetable. Last couple of weeks it has been a struggle, with me falling back on the plan B heat and serves options, while still good, they lacked inspiration.
The fact that I walked back into my kitchen and created food with joy, is a sign things are getting better. Now if the eggplant in the frig can remain good for another day, I will be a happy camper.
We are the lucky ones. We found one another. Our family is happy and getting back to our normal happy pace.
Alex goes to rock climbing class tomorrow. He is always such a hoot hanging off that wall. He races through the exercises and is absolutely fearless hanging by a mere grip and dangling. He is amazing to watch. Daria and I will practice her dance routine simply because she loves it so much. Life is good.
How Love Literally Shapes a Family - An interesting observation about how people view families
At least twice today, people mistook my kids for twins. And then they noted how much they looked like me. People have been saying that a lot about my kids lately. I kind of smile and now only say they are not twins.
I no longer tell strangers they are adopted. I am proud of my kids and want to give them full credit for being so well adjusted but I am attempting to zip my mouth and let them be known as simply "normal." I no longer try to tell people why they are not bio siblings. Because it does not matter of course.
My far older brother adopted children and then he and his wife got pregnant. Twice. I remember being at a family function and someone attempting to point out who was adopted and who was not. I did not see the difference and could not understand the distinction. Since my brother David was the third generation to adopt and have bio children it was the norm in my sense of family.
I am now seeing that happen in my house. I will tell you, my kids did not look like me or like each other when we met. While Alex and I had the same hair and eye color, we did not look alike - more or less. Now he looks like me because he uses my facial expressions, verbal intonations, etc. Before his last surgery he used to complain he could not sound like me - but now he does. When I met my daughter, Daria, she looked so beautifully different I was in awe.
Now it is true, we all look similar. I think it is because my kids are being loved and cared for daily. They now smile my smile of love. They now make my gestures of exuberance or frustration. They do what I do. Just like all other kids do with their parents. I think we all look like one another because we love one another. It is love that makes us seem similar not our actual physical features. Alex is so incredibly handsome and sweet the girls already swoon at his feet. Daria is bound for stardom, I am convinced. She just has that something "extra." My kids are so different but yet so bound to the safety and normalcy of family life. My children wanted a family more than anything else and they work at it every day. I am so terribly proud of them.
At the same time I feel kind of cheated. I worked really hard to adopt and I didn't know it but I kind of wanted people to know I had done it. Instead people just look at us as another family, not knowing how hard we are work at it - every day. They just see me as a single Mom with a couple of kids and sometimes underestimate me. They do not know I am not a woman abandoned, nor do they know my kids and I work with one another every day to create our lives. I made the choice to have these children and my kids made the choice to be with the family.
So I am quiet and just smile for the folks. Adoption has been a terribly hard road for me with lots of sacrifice and loss but I still do it for the children. When I began I thought it was about me but now I see that it has always been about them - the kids needing a home. When I forget, the children say something to remind me.
Maybe that is how it should be - all families work at being the best family they can be. The love found within a family is unmatchable. It heals all.
So it goes. May all be well with you and your loved ones.
I no longer tell strangers they are adopted. I am proud of my kids and want to give them full credit for being so well adjusted but I am attempting to zip my mouth and let them be known as simply "normal." I no longer try to tell people why they are not bio siblings. Because it does not matter of course.
My far older brother adopted children and then he and his wife got pregnant. Twice. I remember being at a family function and someone attempting to point out who was adopted and who was not. I did not see the difference and could not understand the distinction. Since my brother David was the third generation to adopt and have bio children it was the norm in my sense of family.
I am now seeing that happen in my house. I will tell you, my kids did not look like me or like each other when we met. While Alex and I had the same hair and eye color, we did not look alike - more or less. Now he looks like me because he uses my facial expressions, verbal intonations, etc. Before his last surgery he used to complain he could not sound like me - but now he does. When I met my daughter, Daria, she looked so beautifully different I was in awe.
Now it is true, we all look similar. I think it is because my kids are being loved and cared for daily. They now smile my smile of love. They now make my gestures of exuberance or frustration. They do what I do. Just like all other kids do with their parents. I think we all look like one another because we love one another. It is love that makes us seem similar not our actual physical features. Alex is so incredibly handsome and sweet the girls already swoon at his feet. Daria is bound for stardom, I am convinced. She just has that something "extra." My kids are so different but yet so bound to the safety and normalcy of family life. My children wanted a family more than anything else and they work at it every day. I am so terribly proud of them.
At the same time I feel kind of cheated. I worked really hard to adopt and I didn't know it but I kind of wanted people to know I had done it. Instead people just look at us as another family, not knowing how hard we are work at it - every day. They just see me as a single Mom with a couple of kids and sometimes underestimate me. They do not know I am not a woman abandoned, nor do they know my kids and I work with one another every day to create our lives. I made the choice to have these children and my kids made the choice to be with the family.
So I am quiet and just smile for the folks. Adoption has been a terribly hard road for me with lots of sacrifice and loss but I still do it for the children. When I began I thought it was about me but now I see that it has always been about them - the kids needing a home. When I forget, the children say something to remind me.
Maybe that is how it should be - all families work at being the best family they can be. The love found within a family is unmatchable. It heals all.
So it goes. May all be well with you and your loved ones.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Alex leaping forward
I have always likened Alex's academic ability to progress to a rubber band. You stretch things out and nothing seems to move forward, only backward and then boom - the rubber band shoots forward. Alex is in the process of shooting forward. He is leapfrogging forward in reading and he is simply hungry for math. I am running to keep up. He is so hungry to learn.
He did a science report on eels this week and helped to dissect an octopus in class. Totally yuck for me but he loved it. No, he REALLY LOVED IT! The teacher gave him portions of the octopus to take home. Fun. Like I want Alex to show me the eyes of it. Yuck.
His sister's class also dissected an octopus and Daria couldn't stop talking about the multiple hearts, etc. She has learned more about science these last several weeks than she was ever exposed to in public school. She loves it. Both of them are signed up for Chinese History next month. They will love it. I studied Chinese art and history so I am looking forward to their experiences with the classes. So much fun.
Our day started very early today because the doctors wanted to do a procedure for my Mom at the hospital that I needed to be there about. I consented after I talked with my Mom about it but then she refused to comply with the process. My Mom is back. :)
If you looked up stubborn in the dictionary you might find her picture there. She also is truculent and downright hostile about people, especially strangers, telling her what to do. And the doctors thought I was the difficult one. :) I was simply following orders she had given me in the event of medical emergencies and I was happy to quit the field. I just sat back with the kids and smiled as they dealt with her and she disposed of them and their ideas to her satisfaction, in short order. It was sheer joy to watch her back in action. She even made them give her a Pepsi as a pre-requisite for her to begin eating. I napped in a rocker with Daria curled up with me and Alex read a book. A nice quiet day. After awhile we went home did some school work and then went to swimming class. Alex is excelling at learning swimming too.
I thank God for my Mom being back. There are still issues and many, many weeks of antibiotics needed and other medical support to deal with the weeks in the hospital but she is back and we will keep fighting to get her back to normal. Rather, we will do what she tells us to do and what she will allow.
I strongly suspect that Alex is leaping forward in all areas is because he is no longer in harms' way at school. Alex is so desperate to move forward and quench that thirst for knowledge I feel like I am still only handing crumbs to a starving child. He races through his gymnastics class like it will be gone if he doesn't do it fast enough. I will tell you this though, he never pushes another child, gets in their way or tries to make them move faster. It is like his internal engines are on high rev and he just doesn't want to miss one more minute of his life.
Even though Alex is no longer in school, the public school district is now doing the testing I first requested in 2009 and then again last Spring. I haven't seen the results yet, but one of the testers noted to me, a surprised tone, that Alex is a child that always chooses to do the right thing and he is kind. I have literally being screaming, at some level, about this to them for awhile now. Alex is this really, really good child. He does the right thing - his choice, no one elses. For years I have offered them specialist after specialist to help them understand this gentle child. Such a kid that is kind and gentle is fragile, especially in light of his history, needs kindness in kind - not be allowed in a classroom where other kids hit. Alex will respond to abuse in kind. It was what he was taught in the orphanage when he was too small to fight back and it is what he has been taught in American public schools. But it is not his preferred response.
When I adopted Alex in 2008, I did not understand what I was seeing. I have had a lot of specialists and Alex to help me learn. Now I know. Now I see. I can see it with other children. Alex helped me understand him and other kids dealing with stuff. Kids are resilient. They get over stuff. Remove the trauma, give them support and time and they learn to live with what they know. They become who they are and need to be.
We are all kind of like that - we learn to live with what we know. It is a good thing.
He did a science report on eels this week and helped to dissect an octopus in class. Totally yuck for me but he loved it. No, he REALLY LOVED IT! The teacher gave him portions of the octopus to take home. Fun. Like I want Alex to show me the eyes of it. Yuck.
His sister's class also dissected an octopus and Daria couldn't stop talking about the multiple hearts, etc. She has learned more about science these last several weeks than she was ever exposed to in public school. She loves it. Both of them are signed up for Chinese History next month. They will love it. I studied Chinese art and history so I am looking forward to their experiences with the classes. So much fun.
Our day started very early today because the doctors wanted to do a procedure for my Mom at the hospital that I needed to be there about. I consented after I talked with my Mom about it but then she refused to comply with the process. My Mom is back. :)
If you looked up stubborn in the dictionary you might find her picture there. She also is truculent and downright hostile about people, especially strangers, telling her what to do. And the doctors thought I was the difficult one. :) I was simply following orders she had given me in the event of medical emergencies and I was happy to quit the field. I just sat back with the kids and smiled as they dealt with her and she disposed of them and their ideas to her satisfaction, in short order. It was sheer joy to watch her back in action. She even made them give her a Pepsi as a pre-requisite for her to begin eating. I napped in a rocker with Daria curled up with me and Alex read a book. A nice quiet day. After awhile we went home did some school work and then went to swimming class. Alex is excelling at learning swimming too.
I thank God for my Mom being back. There are still issues and many, many weeks of antibiotics needed and other medical support to deal with the weeks in the hospital but she is back and we will keep fighting to get her back to normal. Rather, we will do what she tells us to do and what she will allow.
I strongly suspect that Alex is leaping forward in all areas is because he is no longer in harms' way at school. Alex is so desperate to move forward and quench that thirst for knowledge I feel like I am still only handing crumbs to a starving child. He races through his gymnastics class like it will be gone if he doesn't do it fast enough. I will tell you this though, he never pushes another child, gets in their way or tries to make them move faster. It is like his internal engines are on high rev and he just doesn't want to miss one more minute of his life.
Even though Alex is no longer in school, the public school district is now doing the testing I first requested in 2009 and then again last Spring. I haven't seen the results yet, but one of the testers noted to me, a surprised tone, that Alex is a child that always chooses to do the right thing and he is kind. I have literally being screaming, at some level, about this to them for awhile now. Alex is this really, really good child. He does the right thing - his choice, no one elses. For years I have offered them specialist after specialist to help them understand this gentle child. Such a kid that is kind and gentle is fragile, especially in light of his history, needs kindness in kind - not be allowed in a classroom where other kids hit. Alex will respond to abuse in kind. It was what he was taught in the orphanage when he was too small to fight back and it is what he has been taught in American public schools. But it is not his preferred response.
When I adopted Alex in 2008, I did not understand what I was seeing. I have had a lot of specialists and Alex to help me learn. Now I know. Now I see. I can see it with other children. Alex helped me understand him and other kids dealing with stuff. Kids are resilient. They get over stuff. Remove the trauma, give them support and time and they learn to live with what they know. They become who they are and need to be.
We are all kind of like that - we learn to live with what we know. It is a good thing.
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