What to do ...

The police department is struggling with the 911 calls issues.  They want legal involvement - yesterday.  It is unsettling to them and me that calls were made and then people hung up the phone on Alex while he was calling for help.  The school district is silent about giving the 911 call center help. 

Alex went to school today and something happened - he was seriously stressed. The family got through it but it shouldn't have been so difficult.  It wasn't Alex.  It wasn't the family.  It was something that happened in his day. 

What to do is the question. I keep calling attorneys and they decline  -  the issues are too much for them.  Wimps.

At least the family still is happy.  Even with all the coping with unknown stressors.  The kids sleep happily tonight and Mom is heading to bed.  A wonderful life.

Found out my son kept calling 911 for help while at school!

Alex had been calling 911 from his classroom - several times - and nobody ever told me.  They simply restricted his access to the phone and did not tell me.  Alex called for police help to stop the bullying at school - and nobody told me.  No wonder we had the summer we did. 

Alex did everything we tell our kids to do and he was still hit, harassed, and bullied.  He did what he was told to do and the abuse did not stop.  No wonder he threw so many, many rocks.  No wonder.  I want to throw them too.

I have a call into the police department to get those dates, times and tapes.  My poor sweetie - omg. 

Did they not think I would find out?!?!?!?

Did they not think I would do something about it?!?!?!?!?

I was there, at the school, almost everyday.  I still knew nothing.  I suggest you hold your babies close and keep them safe. 

Alex remains a product of coming from a life where birth parents did not keep him safe.  In his case that resulted in orphanage issues but I have seen even worse problems with domestic foster children.  In these situations children simply take care of what harms them alone.  They do not tell even the caring adult.  By the time they do, they are often violent like the foster child that repeatedly punched me in the stomach and attempted to arm himself with knives. 

I step back from my personal situation and I wonder - how many children are further harmed and try to go it alone?  I remember this little girl at Alex's school last year.  We knew her from the before school placement.  I remember sitting down with her and her grandfather for a thanksgiving lunch at the before school.

When Alex was transferred to Bridger, she looked at me so oddly.  She was no longer with her grandfather.  She had been adopted by a family that was related to another family that also had a child in that room.  These new family members did not get along.  She was so stiff in affectation and kept looking like she wanted to warn me - about something.  But she never did.

I worry about the children left in harms' way and left to fend for themselves.  Before this summer Alex still thought he was that kind of kid.  I think he did a lot of testing this summer.  He made sure I called 911 a lot and had the police come.  Maybe to make up for all those times he needed the police at school and they were not allowed to come.  I let them come - every time.  Alex learned that I would never let him fend for himself.  I will always call for the police to take him to safety - with the doctors.

The ultimate irony of this whole situation is that a severely disfigured child who has to endure many invasive medical procedures and surgeries still trusted those doctors to keep him safe.  And he trusted me to keep calling the police to take him to them.  We do okay. 

We have our happy life back, but it means I stand at the gates, watching for any cloud on the horizon.  And I let none of the cockroaches go free that attempted to do this to him.  I have my bug stomping shoes on of course. 

Back to watching paint dry.


 

Happy Gotcha Day!

It is a day most adoptive parents celebrate - the day their kid legally became their son or daughter.  For Alex and me, that day is today.  Happy gotcha day dear child.  You have been a joy to my heart.  I will love you forever.  You have made me a better human being and I thank you for it.

I was working in the rose garden last night and it occurred to me that children are like roses.  They can be contrary and often come with thorns but they bloom so beautifully with a little love and time.  Some rose bushes grow better in one spot or another.  Some like more water, some like less.  Some overpower with their amazing scent, other dazzle the eyes of a viewer.  Some explode and grow all over while others stay small and grow simply in their little spot.  All are beautiful and often an addition of joy in the world in their own unique way.

All the roses are beautiful - just like children.  I celebrate our gotcha day. 

Words to live by

I recently saw this quote: 

Keep your head up!

God gives

His Hardest Battles to

His Strongest Warriors.

 

 

I had already done my war this summer when I saw this quote.  My work life is now getting busy.   I have to do what I do best - my job - I hope.  My son's school district is messing up with supporting him in his school year.  The teacher is awesome and Alex loves it at this school but there are issues flying around that appear to be calculated to derail Alex. 

 

My sweetheart - he has a chance.  But I must fight yet another battle.  When I so do not have time.  And then I tripped across this quote from behappy.com.

 

It is like what I always say, if God brings you to it, he will bring you through it.  I believe that.  I know it because I have lived it.  My life shows that simple reality of faith.  God has always provided me with the ability to get through - just not always in the way I envisioned.

 

What I like about this saying is the observation that God brings the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.  That may be true.  I certainly withstand hard battles.  I certainly endure and often prevail in the most ardous of life battle situations.

 

I never thought about looking at what I deal with, the battles, as something God brings to me because I am one of his strongest warriors. 

 

I do know that if God had not brought me to Alex, my son, he would be forever lost.  Alex needs such a strong warrior to help him.  I weep for all the other kids like him that have no one to help them live and thrive.  I once did not know that I would find my greatest strength in my tears.  I now know better. 

 

God blesses us all.  He truly does. 

Normal life

I am back to watching paint dry - literally.  Actually I am painting the house with some help before the rains come it is a nice squash yellow with butterscotch brown for the front door and some of the trim.  It looks amazing. 

And Alex is back to being himself.  No more nightmares.  No more episodes at home.  He is even doing fairly well at school.  The family has their life back.

It has been hard.  I think for me at least, the hardest part was the fact that the actions were not tied to stuff happening in our home life which made it so very difficult.

Tonight, during dinner, Alex turned to me and said the kids at the orphanage told him that his mother would never love him.  I was matter-of-fact when I noted they were obviously wrong because I love him, no matter what.  And then I went on with making the lunches for tomorrow. 

I look back at this summer I am think I am overwhelmed.  It is a story about a disabled child who was hit and bullied and his sense of the world was taken back to the orphanage.  The doctors call it a PTSD flare-up.  It felt like a really bad tantrum. 

I call it the journey of a child to find out if they are, in fact, loved.  Mom stayed despite all his efforts to drive me away.  Family stayed.  All the support systems that we have in life remained - unchanged.  In the end, we all just waited until he was done with all the acting out.  And then he was.

Normal life.  A life where a child is loved. 

I went back to the beginning ...

I had a meeting today at the miracle child's school and while I will talk about that soon, it inspired me to look back at this blog to maybe glean wisdom from what I saw after the second time I met my son.  I may talk about that too.  What I found was my words from before I was officially the mother of my son.  I said:

The child I hope to be a mother to is the most amazing child.

Now that I am back home I often tell people this is a child that

has something really special to give to the world.

 

 

I was right.  He is the most amazing child.  He has already survived so much.  He continues to overcome the difficulties of being a severely handicapped child with a grace of humanity that is awe inspiring. The miracle child continues to face difficult surgeries with courage and calmness that even adults can barely tolerate to discuss.  He has something really special to give the world.  I remain convinced that the miracle child will one day make a truely important contribution to humanity.  He already deeply touches the lives of all who know him.

 

Today I met with a room full of very educated and experienced people concerning special education and inclusion in the schoolroom setting.  Alex had a hard week at school last, week and the teachers and staff at the school were unprepared.  They were told nothing - not about the bullying - nothing about how to talk to this kid. 

 

He came home, people were given some space and we all reconvened.  There were so many of the mental health/behavioral people there.  Legal counsel for the school district was there.  A vice principal that is still freaked out about a stunt Alex pulled was there.  Fortunately, the principal was a little calmer about it all.  We had quorum to talk about what to do.

 

We talked.  Everyone was heard.  I heard their concerns.  I heard what they had done to learn more.  I told them a few things - like about the bullying.  I told them they had no ability to connect with him until he felt they were safe.  And then told them how to make him understand they were safe people.

 

We made a plan.  I will also go to school with Alex tomorrow.  And then all these very talented people will pick up the cues and help him normalize. 

 

Alex still remains an almost ten-year-old little boy with all the normal difficulty that can entail.  Buggers and stinkers are simply fall down funny. Yuck.  They totally drive all his peers into hysterics.  His jokes and antics are so contrived and yet so calculated to include an element of gross, he makes me remember being 10.  He has the bald humor of a boy this age I hope he outgrows (many guys do not).  He remains the jokester, simply refining his humor.  His humor is also his way of being with everyone else despite his disfigurement.

He has that boundary testing urge that is so indicative of this age for boys.   He is also amazingly picking up on subtle social cues about correct behavior and boundary issues.  In so many respects he is just a boy.  Soon to be a really, really cute "guy."   

 

I thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers.  I believe without those prayers the miracle child would not be back with us.  May god bless you.  Thank you.  I pray too.  He is the miracle I found in Russia and I pray in thanksgiving everyday to be his mom. 

What a nice week - school is back!

The miracle child did his week at school. While he did his week at school to best of his ability, they still scrambled getting the proper support in place for him, so I have to go back and talk to everyone yet again to try and get them straight about it all. Until then he will stay home for at least Monday. That being said, my most wonderful child is back in the house.

His sister was so happy to be back in school but after about 10 minutes the first morning, she looked around and told me she was done for the year. Nice try kiddo. :)

Tonight we had a major water fight outside. I was trying to pick herbs while the barbeque was trying to start. I kept chasing the kids with water. Alex was so sweet, he kept shielding his sister with the sandbox cover. The giggles and screams of joy were simple music to a Mama's heart.

Life is back to the way it was. Nice. Wonderful. A sweet time.

I also learned something. I finally had time to map out all the times there were problems with Alex this summer and they all coincided with an anticipation that I was leaving - for work - or the gym. I felt that his therapist was right, it wasn't about an attachment issue with me but it was still shocking when I actually laid it all out. He was right and I was right - Alex is like every other kid, he wants to have his mama and be safe. Apparently, he finally, finally believed it. Thank the good lord.

And just in time, the holidays and all the birthdays are coming up. The super festive season is about to commence. And the rains are about to come back - we all need to get down to the serious business of having fun and being much, much cooler.

I knew that if I waited long enough, it would all work out. I have the happy life back. :)

In the end I did not leave and I did not let him leave either

Another trip to the zoo today. Another happy day. Alex did not run today.

Today he decided it was okay to be happy.

Today he decided that Moms do keep you safe. He was sad that not all kids have a Mom to keep them safe.

And then he came home, watched a cartoon dvd, ate dinner and went to bed with his dog at the foot of the bed.

If I didn't have the rather large stack of medical bills and problems with the facilities, I would think it had all been a very, very bad dream.

I do not know for sure who that other kid was, but I am glad to have my son back.

I guess that other kid may have been the little boy I first met in Russia. He may have been the little boy that raged through the embassy and the American airport we came home through. He may have even been that little boy that spent months raging in my house after he was home. That little boy had been gone so long that I had not recognized him when he came back. He had been so young when I had seen him last.

I think that so very sad and lost boy came back to see me this summer. He had better tricks. He tried harder to make me leave because he got scared I would not keep him safe. In the end, I did not leave.

In the end, the lost and scared little boy believed I was his Mom and would keep him safe. He let my little boy come back to us.

My boy wonder sleeps tonight. Finally, our life is back.

Maybe we do okay

Alex was normal today. The typical nine-year-old boy I had before this all happened.

Maybe normal life overtook him.

There are so many, many people that truly care about him in our daily life.

This week he spent most of his waking hours at my office. We check in at the guard station to begin our day. They all know him. There is a city policeman that emigrated from Russia that does extra shifts at our site that has always gone out of his way to help me with the kids. He was the one that told me to be prepared for Alex to swear like a sailor (or a marine) when he first came home. He is the one whose family gave me a place to stay in Russia while I was in the process of adopting Alex's sister. He always comes out to check on Alex and see if he is okay. He has been such an amazing support through all of this. When his mother-in-law came out last summer I missed her because I was sick but these are people that will stay with you always.

All the security staff know about us. They are so amazingly kind towards Alex. Many of them have done time in the military and have a firsthand knowledge about PTSD. To a person they go out of their way to be normal with him, yet so kind.

Alex notices. He quietly watches them and asks when they are allowed to go home. I think he feels seriously safe and treasured in a building surrounded by what he considers "policemen."

He then sits in my office while I pop in and out to deal with all the stuff I deal with. Sometimes people stop by to say hi to him. Mostly I just do what seems to a kid to be boring work. This afternoon I was supposed to leave early, and we were going to play at a public water work, but a couple of legal deadlines were dropped on my desk so the day got interesting. Alex watched me sweat through the stress and work and get it all done.

He walked with me through an empty office to confer with others while I coordinated the last minute filings.

He saw normal life. He did not complain.

Alex also saw a sweet Russian immigrant at my work who insists of speaking Russian to him. That amazing lady is so terribly kind to my son. She knows. Alex peeks up under his lashes to see if she is really that kind. She is.

So maybe we do okay. It is like the kid that came to our house late last May has left. My son a slightly, more happy version, is back. I don't know how we did it, but I think we all did.

It wasn't the recent doctors. I got the medical records from the residential treatment center and the fact that they spelled his name right is amazing. They got everything else wrong. Everything. I feel overwhelmed. Insurance fraud for sure. Medical malpractice definitely. I think we are not an isolated case for this kind of treatment by this facility. I wonder how others cope with them. These people have farms way far away that I think kids in the residential system are eventually transferred to - well outside of any caring adult sight.

I shudder to think what might have happened if Alex and I had not had an excellent communication system.

It was the rest of us that were there for Alex and he came back to himself. His long term treating doctors are back manning the helm and it is good. Family and friends continue to just be okay and help as we need. The school is doing an attempt to fix the problem they started. The better placement and additional support is good but the end of this week things have kind of lagged. I have my support staff at work on alert that I may be spending next week at Alex's new school until everything is okay. The team is good to go.

In the end, we do okay. All of us.

And maybe, just maybe we are all learning about the effects of bullying. It causes significant harm. It has to be stopped.

I told the school district this week that disfigured children are in harms way in their system and they need to address it. I told them in addition to Alex's situation I have seen a child literally turn around in a line and hit my daughter in the face - for no reason. And yes, I did something about that too.

When I began adopting cleft children, I did it because I wanted to help a special needs child. I innocently thought to myself when the first special needs child that God picked out for me was cleft, it was all about the medical issues. I did not realize the societal harm that I would be forced to fight and endure because I mothered a cleft child. I have learned differently. I still would not change my acceptance of the children God has bestowed upon me and our home. They are a blessing that is joyful every day.

I will stand and fight. My children are just kids, still so very young and hopeful of a happy life. They still believe they have a chance at life - because I believe.

Maybe we do okay. Everyone sleeps peaceably tonight and that is good enough for me.

Quick update on the bullying issue

The van driver that assaulted Alex last spring has been fired and put on a child abuse watch list.

The teacher aide that threw him to the ground last Spring before my horrified eyes, has been disciplined to the maximum extent possible under the strong teacher union rules and been given educational opportunities.

Others were reassigned.  The school district is in the process of providing a full response about the original bullying complaint.  The principal personally apologized to me and told me it had been delegated and then not addressed.

Alex is being given a lot of support to address no further harm happening to him.

Does it make up for this very difficult summer - no.

Do I think people are trying to stop it now - yes.  Maybe. 

Alex's most awesome psychologist is absolutely insisting on screening and training any daily assistant assigned to Alex for protection and assistance.

I told that august body of district people that the bullying stemmed from Alex's cleft palate situation and they need to address how disfigured children are not allowed to function in a normal school setting.   

A lot of pieces swirl.  I think none of us adults ever understood the human cost of being a severe cleft palate child.  Regardless, Alex is right, it needs to stop. 

I case I haven't said it recently, he is my hero.  It was an awesome day when God let me be his mom.