So maybe there is a turn in the road ...

Sasha and I celebrated our birthday weekend recently (he is 10/23 and I am 10/24 - go figure!?!) and it was great! We did family things and had lunch at his favorite eatery - The Red Robin. They put the balloons "under our ears" and did the clap clap song. And there was ice cream. Sasha was over the moon. He had such a great day. He makes my momma heart just sing - every day.

Two days before his birthday we put on the first of his orthodontic devices. It is a palate expander. I know of no adult that would put up with such an intrusive and somewhat overwhelming device. Yet my son deals with it so amazingly. The orthodontist is a Harvard-trained artist that literally fitted the devise around every crock and nanny of Sasha's cleft anomaly. I know because I clean it all every day. It is funny - we are growing closer over that silly palate expander. We argue about foods he can eat, he eats them and then I come to help with the gagging. So my son still eats. And I clean. A lot.

The absolutely worst part of it all is turning the expansion key every week. It makes me break out in cold sweats. I only turn that key once a week but it is an image that haunts me. What if I turn it too much - or not enough. ?!??!?!? I would rather be back in the far north of Russia in the dead of winter than face this. Or maybe not.

Anyway, it is all good. We do well. Yesterday was not one of our banner days but at the end of it all Sasha loves me, Mama, because I came and got him. His words not mine. The rest is all surplus at the end of the day. My son is a miracle everyday. He is my miracle I found in Russia.

Why I went dark for awhile ...

The agency I adopted Sasha through has had illegal access to their files of adopting families. What that means I do not exactly know but if someone got my email address from the file, there is a good chance all bank numbers, etc., are now known to a man who formerly worked for the adoption agency but has been gone for awhile and now is finally free of all legal issues.

So I was mad, and hurt and scared and shut down this site. Given all the contacts, I am reopening the blog - even if no body is listening anymore.

Ultimately this site is about my miracle in Russia - my son Sasha. And he is the most amazing boy!!! If he can do it I can too!

Tomorrow we go the the Cranio-Facial eye doctor because a few months ago I noticed Sasha could not see the screen of my laptop while he sat on my lap and watched me type! Sasha has told me from the beginning he had glasses the kids at the orphanage took and broke. Recently I came upon some medical information obtained in Russia that confirms Sasha may need glasses. So off to the eye doctor we go!

On Wednesday we go to his orthodontist to begin to get some of the appliances on that that he needs in order to get ready for the bone grafts. Sasha is excited. At last we start!!!!!!!

The files of our Adoption Agency have been Compromised

Today I had to run to the store after work...

At school Sasha has a new teacher. This has caused some issues. Grief for Sasha sometimes looks like violence and extreme oppositional defiance. Apparently Sash does not like his new teacher who has returned from maternity leave - most probably because she is new. His solution: have pee pee accidents at school. My solution: pull-ups and extra changes of clothing in the backpack. Sash is not cool with pull-ups. They are girlie-girlie pink. This should be a short problem.

It is so sweet really. Sasha is grieving for his substitute teacher. Her name is Kim and she is great. But Geri is back from maternity leave and life changes. That makes Sasha sad. And mad. So he strikes out. I got home today and my kid was a bubbling mass of emotion - all mostly suppressed until his Mom came home. It was all held just below the surface. Then, with one small poke it all came out.

Kim, his substitute teacher, is gone and he is grieving. We talk about all the ways I can keep him safe and he agrees - I can do all of that. Then his face crumples and he asks for Kim back. I tell him that is something I cannot do. Kim must go where life takes her - and I have no control over that. He is sobbing and lashing out.

So off we went to the store. My mom is driving and we are running containment scenarios as we drive to the grocery store. Will she stay? Or will I because as we drive to the store I am holding Sasha in a restraining hold. And then he tells me he can get it together. And he does!

We go to the store, get a piece of chicken (because Sasha is finally eating chicken!), get our groceries and leave. And then the rest of the night was kind of touch and go. Sasha kept kind of "going up over the edge" but then he would bring himself back again!!!

Separation grief from satellite supports is hard for any of us, at any age, but for my son it seems catastrophic. Any change for him triggers insecurity and fear. With the loss of his teacher from last year he was sent into grief such that he curled up into my lap, sobbed and later tried to "tear the house down." He even feared losing others from school. Me being me simply gathered him close and told him things change. And people go away to other places but it is not a bad thing - it is simply something different.

Just one more thing for my Mama list - help Sasha learn to grieve separation appropriately. He sleeps tonight with fair ease so maybe I did so good work tonight - I hope so. The Mama list remains long.

Just one more pic of our happy day

First Day of School!!!

What an amazing day for us! As you can see Sasha is excited to go back to school. Even though we were only off a month because he is in a year around school, it was long enough.

He is officially a first grader and is seriously happy about his new classroom. As we waited on the front steps of home this morning (because the school bus was a little late) he was so excited and happy about going back. And he loves his new school clothes. My son has made it clear that white oxford shirts and khakis are the preferred attire. For me this morning, I sat on that front step and remembered back to this time last year, add a few days, when I got the call to get on a plane to Russia to go to court for my son. I cannot believe how the time has flown.

I was so scared that the call would never come. Then I got caught in Passport Control flying through Moscow and everything started to go slightly eschew. And then stuff was so hard when we got home. It was hard for lots of good reasons but some days were really dark. Yet, as I look into my son's grinning joy it is all so worth it.

And he is having such a great time. Everyone loves him and his antics. Last week we visited one of the surgeons to discuss stuff and I told the doctor that my son could tell him what was needed. And he did. In amazingly good English. At the end the doctor said that what Sasha wants is entirely reasonable. As Mama I just sat back and smiled. Take heed America, Alexander Nickolai is here and he will be heard. :)

We do Great!!!

Sasha is such an amazing child. Everyday is a new miracle. He gave the post-adoption person an individualized tour of the house in which Mama was ordered to remain in the living room. What a sweetie.

And then I wrote down all we did for the last six months and then what was to come. Oh my goodness. We do a lot as a family. Life is good. And Sash goes back to school soon. We have a study area set-up where he "works" at practicing for school. My mom does all the heavy lifting with that. (Thank you Mom!) He is so cute about how his Mama goes to work and then he works at home. I am so excited because soon he will be able to read the books he carries around the house asking me "what it says" all the time. I have no problem reading books to him (thank you Nancy for the huge dump truck load of kiddie books) but even Mommies need bathroom breaks. :)

So that is how it goes. I put everything on the line to get Sasha home. We then went through a screaming hell. Even now days have bumps. But, at the end of the day it is worth it. And that is while I climb the mountain of our upcoming surgeries.

Believe it or not Sasha is looking forward to it. I collapse in tears every time I have to address it. No lie. Yeah, yeah I know I signed up for the cleft issue but it is currently dropping me to my knees. I carry my child on a pillow - I want to have nothing bad ever happen to him again so even corrective surgery makes me cry. Frankly if anyone knows of a source that can hold my hand when I weep during surgery please tell me about it. I have been even through Sasha thinking monsters coming out of the walls but I am on my knees thinking about getting Sasha through his cleft surgeries.

But Sasha is all about it! His only concern was if I would be there when he woke up. Of course I told him I would be so he is off and badgering all of us about wanting his Mama's lips and teeth. He wants those missing upper fronts! And then he wants the pain in his mouth to stop (he only told me about that recently!!!). It is only in the last week or so he figured out his nose can maybe be bigger (we had a late summer cold with congestion that totally stressed me out) so that is now making Sasha's list. Please pray for the surgeons because Sasha is coming with his list of demands and will probably not be deterred.

I cannot imagine a more perfect child. And God let me be his Mama. THANK YOU GOD. There are not thank yous enough. I pray for all parents waiting for their child to come home. It is such a hard trek to get them here. And then the path at home may be hard. But it is totally worth it!!!

People often say they do not understand how I "do it" or "I am amazing." That is all wrong. I "do it" because a child needs a parent. I only seem "amazing" because I hang in and ride the insanity through. At the end of the day, Sasha is still a child that needed a parent. And God gave me the opportunity be the person to step up and be the Mama Sasha needs. I am so blessed.

And this is a sobering thought - Sasha will be going off to college in a small handful of years. I am so not ready! So maybe after people help me find the cleft surgery support people we can search for the "leaving for MIT - bye Mom" support group. My son is seriously brilliant. I know he will leave home and travel far in his love planes and all things need to be taken apart and "fixed."
That is something I cannot want to see- even if it is through tears. May God Bless All that take time from their days to read this blog. Take care, Mama Sarah

Tomorrow We have our One Year Post-Adoption Visit

How crazy is that! It seems like just yesterday Sasha was tearing through Heathrow on our way home. It seems just like last week I stepped into a minivan in Vlad so as to take the three+ hour ride to Sasha's former orphan home to pick him up for the final time. So tonight I think - what does it all mean? First and foremost - my son is home. For me personally, I find the Russian institutional structure an amazing miracle that saves children.


I think anyone still reading this blog should raise a cheer for us! You should raise that cheer because we survive. This family survives and heals in love. And tomorrow we will have the interview to let all that people in Russia know too. I do not know about anyone else but all the people I met in adopting Sasha will have a place in my heart forever.

Somedays I am just so proud!!!

As some of you may know, being a parent is often a lot of loving while correcting and molding behavior. The redirection of institutional behavior as it combines with PTSD often seems like such an uphill battle. Rewarding but tiring. My son, who is such a survivor has given me many moments of growth opportunities as he reaches new heights.

So it was with much trepidation that I approached the birthday party of a neighbor kid. Sasha and I have been really sick so at the last minute I said no to going to the actual party but we still had the gift. It was so sweet really, Sasha picked out a multi-game package with SpongeBob. I sweated bullets over both this present choice and the fact that it would have to be given away but Sasha came through with flying colors. I wrapped it up with a bow (Sasha had never seen such a thing) and then he carefully walked it over and gave it to the birthday boy. He stayed to see it unwrapped, was happy Jake (the birthday boy) liked the gift and then was able to go back home.

What an amazing boy. And so sweet. Mostly Sasha is about defining boundaries about what is his. And most days what constitutes his is everything in sight. (We are still working on filling those reservoirs of unmet need.) Yet today he gave a gift from the heart with no strings attached and no regrets. I am so proud of my son. He is such an amazing person. My life is so much richer for him.

I am so lucky. I hope that all who read this blog are well. May God keep you close. - Sarah

p.s. Next week we go to my favorite county fair - I cannot wait to see if we bring chickens home! Sasha adores them and I remember taking care of them from my childhood. I am certain we do not do something so rash. :) Or maybe we will. :) Or maybe Sasha will just get a cool cowboy hat like his Mom. Life is good.

Yep - we are testing boundaries

So no accidents today. Instead just out and out non-conformance. That is what I call his difficult days - a day where Sasha decides to not conform. From the school perspective he is getting worse. For Mama I see a child in grief. And his sense of outrage translates into out and out non-compliance.

Over the weekend I donated clothing and exercise equipment to my favorite second hand store. After donating I took Sasha into the main section to check out the toys. He had a ball. We got gently used toys (mostly of the music variety) and a motorcycle big wheel that he adores. Frankly, I never even thought about it. Yet for Sasha it was a huge deal.

When he asked me why I did it, I told him it was because I love him and want him to be happy. He asks me that question a lot and most of the times I just say - I [did whatever] because I wanted you to be happy. And I think that causes him grief. Like he finally "gets" that what went on before was not so great. Sasha loves me but that rage and grief needs to go somewhere so school is now bearing the brunt of it. And they look a little ragged around the edges. When I was finally able to pry something out of my red chief tonight he said he did not want to go to school anymore - he wanted to be home with mama.

I pity the school because when he gets like this it will not stop - at least for a while. And he is so sweet, even in his non-compliance stage. When I put him to bed tonight his only concern was that I would come back later and put him in my bed when I go to sleep. When I try to leave him in his room he wakes up crying and crawls in on the far side of my bed in the middle of the night. For Sasha, I am his Mama and his world is safe when I am near.

In the end I cannot argue with him because he was not safe until me. That is the funny thing about kids, they can be more right than adults. I love that about my son. And he is growing so much.

Oh yeah - we are trying to get into surgery. The data was lost on a cat scan we did awhile ago so we need to redo that and meet with yet another round of surgeons and specialists. I talk with Sasha about it and he is excited. He wants lips a bigger nose and teeth that look like the ones every one else has. He is so sweet, he always asks if I will be there and when I say yes - then he is back at thinking about all that we can do.

Until the last round of the doctor team visit, I did not know that his mouth "hurts." Until we can get the new scan etc., they cannot even begin to address this pain. I was cool with all the emotional/mental blah blah but putting my child into surgery is dropping me to my knees. I don't even want him to stub a toe. I am not having a good time. And I will probably whine about this issue a lot more given we go to surgery this fall.

But off we go. And I will cry when I need to cry. And I may yell - a lot. And I will hold Sasha's hand - every day. And when he having a non-compliant day, I will make my signature comment "really," smile, find some momentary consequence to impose and then gather him close and love him. He is the most amazing kid and I am lucky to be his Mom.