Being a Warrior Mom and Unconditional Love

Once there was a little bunny who wanted to run away. So he said to his mother, "I am running away."

"If you run away," said his mother, "I will run after you. For you are my little bunny."

from The Runaway Bunny by Margaret Wise Brown.

One Attach-China Mom wrote about doing attachment parenting with her daughter:

She is clearly showing me that she likes what I do to stay connected to her, that she needs the assurance that I will not give up, and that she needs to know that I will fight for our relationship. Its almost as if she needs to see me, as her forever mom, fight as hard and as deliberately to keep her as her birth mom was deliberate in letting her go. She needs to repeat this over and over again.

We must constantly fight to win over our children and convince them that we will never break their hearts as their birthmothers did. As much as they push us away, we must pull them back harder. We must show them that we are stronger than they are and we will never give up. We must be Warrior Moms, fighting for their love and trust.  http://attach-china.org/parenting.html


Just let me say, being a warrior Mom sucks.  My son is being so hurtful during this time.  Worse yet, he has his psych nurses convinced I am the problem.  They are so terribly rude to me. 

I spoke with him face-to-face for just a few minutes this week and he is in so much pain.  And so terribly depressed.  These children that test us still hurt so much.  As a Mom it tears me apart to see him in so much terrible pain.  At one point, after looking at me for less than a minute while I inadvertently looked at him with love, Alex covered his eyes and started scrubbing them.  I think if he thought he could, he would have tried to tear his eyes from his head so that he could no longer see the look of unconditional Mama love.  I looked away and let him create space. 

Unconditional Love.  Wow.  We all need it and demand it from those we hold dear.  It comes back to us in varying degrees.  In the right families it exists within the family units and difficulties are weathered over time.  That was I experienced as a child.  There were tragedies that we weathered as a family that did not impact my ability to be an okay person on the planet.  Given the current situation family still gives me that unconditional love even when I am being less than perfectly behaved.  So many people have given me so many opportunities to be less than happy recently.

One fact no one told me when I began the process of adoption was that once I needed medical care for Alex's mental state, every doctor I encountered would attempt to talk me into giving up custody of him.  I never even considered such an option and one doctor attempted action against me for refusing to do so.  Whatever.  What I have learned by refusing to do what they try to tell me to do is that they really do not do much after a parent signs over custody.  The current facility has failed to inform and/or follow-up on several medical instances that if I no longer had custody, I would have no way to make them do what is medically necessary.  Like an EKG for the heart issues their meds create.  Or like the failure to provide him with the vitamin supplements he needs, pursuant to their own blood tests. Done over five weeks ago, without my knowledge.  They even failed to connect with his long term mental health providers so Alex is now in his sixth week of residence in an unit where he should have only been 7 days.  And we still do not have a discharge date.  Idiots.

If I had listened to even the latest doctor (he seemed so nice and sincere) I would have no voice about anything, including Alex's treatment going forward.  if I had done what the doctors had pressured me to do - that is give up custody, Alex would have no one there for him!  I did not.  Of course, not - he is my son.  Even when the doctors threatened me with no ability to get treatment for him, I refused.  I have insurance after all, so how could that not be enough especially since members of Congress have the same coverage?  I refused to listen that what I had in place for insurance was not good "enough!"  I had to have excellent insurance to begin with in order for the Russians to even allow me to adopt Alex.  That insurance has always helped get Alex the help he needs so I did not listen to the threats.  It was hard.  That was the sixth attempt by doctors to make me release custody for medical care reasons.

And I was right.  My insurance is providing help.  And care. The hospital Alex is currently in at one point explored the possibility of committing Alex to the State Mental Hospital.  Not because he has any serious illness other that extreme anxiety and RAD but because they did not want to have him in their unit anymore.  Worse they didn't tell me about it (they forgot I still retained custody because no one does) and my insurance told me.  The doctor was extremely upset that I found out about it. 

I am now having a series of tests done to protect Alex from any further attempt to hastily label him fit for easy disposal.  And I am working with my insurance company and others to find the proper care for Alex while he resolves his attachment issues as they intersect with his being bullied last year.

Alex still is mad, sad and so terribly desperate for help.  The likelihood that we can do much more cosmetic reconstruction of his face is small since we will have to wait until the bones grow in his face.  Alex will remain an easy target for those who would harm.  I will continue to do my best to stop that harm.

I remain the Warrior Mom.  That is my job after all.  My unconditional love for this child remains strong.  He is the child of my heart.  I will not let go.  That is what being a Mom means after all.

Thank you Mom for teaching me this lesson.  You rock! 

Loving from the heart out

That is something I said on this blog before Alex came home.  It still sums up my approach to Alex.  I love him from the heart out.  There are no expectations to that Mama love.  He is my hero.  My Mama eyes still see what he does.  My Mama knows why he does what he does.  I still love and adore that so stubborn little boy. 

That being said, Alex is working on attempting to break everyone in the system to his will.  He expects me to come in and slay all that oppose to his will when he determines he is done with them.  I am not doing that and letting the people who were so difficult to me while I tried to warn them suffer.  The hospital he has been at has admitted defeat.  He will not comply with their models of "what should work."  The facility has repeatedly refused to do what I tell them works.  Late today, people told me they are looking at options, some of which place sweetie out-of-state. 

I am talking to all the non-medical people I know about what they think.  I am talking to all the best Moms I know.  Decisions I make now will have ramifications to our future.  I want the normal family life we had back.  I miss Alex.  His family misses him.  His friends miss him.  His dog misses him so terribly much.  His life misses him. What we do not miss is his reign of terror. 

The meaning of love.  I still search for the meaning of love.  That being said I know that I love Alex from my heart out as I search for a meaning that can begin to encompass what I feel for this child.  Everybody knocks me down as I love this child.  I still don't care.  I love my son.  I just will not be hurt anymore.

I remember talking with another Mom who also hovered around the cameras while our sons were in the isolation rooms.  Her son was in his thirties and was living in a group home.  He had been domestically adopted.  His Mom still was there while staff worked to stabilize him.  We should have exchanged information to get together later but we did not.  We were so focused on our children and making sure they got what they needed we forget to go ahead and be there for each other. 

I do not know what the future holds for us.  Alex and the family have paid such a terrible price for the effects of him being bullied.  It is a price we all will continue to pay - every day.  It makes me cry.  And we all still have to get up every day and have a life. 

A child is lost

A mother grieves.  There is simply no other way to talk about it.  Alex has been hospitalized in the pysch unit for 11 days now.  This hospital generally only holds a patient for 7 to 10 days before transfer to home or another facility.  The hospital cannot stabilize Alex long enough to even consider transfer. 

Alex is also breaking all of the orthodontic devices out of his mouth.  What is left he can use to break teeth.  I plead with the doctors to get the rest of it out.  The psych unit does not acknowledge that his breaking of the devices in his mouth warrant a determination of actual intent to cause self-harm.

At this point staff is attempting to placate him to make the records appear he is stable enough to transfer to a facility.  So far Alex has unintentionally made their plans fail.

I grieve for my son.  When a child enters the mental health institutional roulette wheel of care, family members and prior treating doctors are disregarded.  The best interests of the child and the appropriate care for their issues is not considered.  All must comply with the boxes these new people in charge insist upon.  These people know nothing of his landscape of trauma, but they still try to tell him what to do.

My poor sweetie.  I did not teach him to comply with random dictates that counter his survival instincts.  Now Alex finds himself in a world where landscape of reality has changed - and he refuses to take my hand so that I can help him though the bewildering forest of change.  Alex is mad at the world, himself and me.  He now attacks me because I dare to love him and try to save him from himself.

This merry-go-round of drama-trauma started 13 months ago when Alex mentally broke after being assaulted at knife point on school grounds because the escalating bullying at school did not stop despite him telling me about it for over six weeks and me telling the school officials about it every day. 

It is like the phone conversations I now have with the pysch unit - I tell them, x, y and z about Alex and how to help him and then they disregard me.  It feels just like when I told the school officials like the teacher that Alex could not continue to endure what I was literally watching in her class real-time.  I told that teacher that was happening in her class to Alex was worse that what he endured in the orphanage.  Yet, that abuse of him continued until he broke. 

So my Mama heart weeps tonight.  I hope that Alex finally stopped making weapons out of his clothing and went to sleep.  Since the bullying last year he has struggled with sleeping unless he is on the family living room couch or in my bedroom.  At the same time I know that my son is right and he needs to start arming himself from those that would harm him.  He has a long way to go before his face will look normal to others.  Maybe the family loving Alex gives him the courage to start arming himself and stop hurting himself.  I know his grandmother would applaud any offensive to protect him.

A family mourns.  And a child remains lost.  May God watch over us all. 

Alex has gone to stay in the hospital for a few days

I love my son.  No matter what else happens, I love my son.  Sometimes he is the best of what I am as a person.  And then another child comes to visit our life and things go so seriously wrong. 

Alex staying in the hospital is not a decision I made lightly.  I did it to save Alex from literally killing himself in public.  Since Alex has gone to stay in the hospital during what will be a week to ten day visit, I have already gotten many calls about him.  People ask - "how did you keep him home for so long?"  I tell them - I love him.  He is my son.  And when I asked for help for him months ago, doctors simply sent him back to me.  What else was I to do?

When he was admitted into this psychiatric medical unit, I went home.  I sat down that first evening and fell asleep for over an hour and a half.  I cannot remember the last time I felt that relaxed.  The next day, after I visited my hairdresser for an appointment months overdue, I went to bring Alex some clothing and a toy.  I arrive on the unit and he is out of control.  I hear him yelling and I am still outside the unit.  They let us in and Alex is raging while they are trying to put him into seclusion.  It takes five security guards and two medical nurses to get that door closed while Alex is raging. 

Alex keeps trying to get hurt with that door and the people.  I finally leave and go home.  The next day I got several calls while I simply did stuff around the house. Alex ripped out the supports to his partially reconstructed hard palate.  I so wanted to run down to the hospital and be there with him.  But I did not.   

On Sunday, I took my daughter with a friend to Build-A-Bear.  It was supposed to be a trip for both kids.  It was a wonderful time and then my friend suggested a trip to the Oregon Coast.  It was a wonderful day.  We all had so much fun. 

I only got a call three times about Alex being in seclusion.

At the end of the day, Alex, who did not know what we were doing, called to check in.  He told me he loved me.  He then learned from his sister that he had missed the Build-A-Bear trip.  He seemed to handle the news okay though he was mad at me for not making a bear for him.  

Alex told me he had a good day.  Alex wants to be the boy I know and love.  He wants me there to make him feel better.  He misses me.  He also wants to be free of being helped.  Alex will continue to any and every thing he can to destroy himself and me.   Being a mother that is there for their child can be so terribly difficult.

I do not know what it will take, but we need to find a way to help Alex.  I have not posted on this blog but Alex had a very good reason last year to begin down this path that he has.  He was so terribly harmed last year and much of what is now our family reality has been caused by the actions of people outside our family. 

A family doing what they do

I have now been home for weeks - no working - getting things to calm down. 

Is it calmer?  More or less.  We are coming up on a month of no running with a slight recent public tantrum requiring transport.  Afterwards Alex apologized for getting mad and losing his temper.  It had been an amazingly fun day complete with rides and ice cream cones.

It seems to remain a combination of control issues, love and safety.  It is also about testing boundaries.  I often wonder what Alex has been told by kids at school about families.  In the beginning me and the school district moved Alex into the most protected environment but now I wonder about the kids he met there.  The school district destroyed all their records from his time there so all that is left is what I have from them during that time.  While what I have shows Alex was a model student, it does not tell me what he was exposed to during his time there. 

My job situation is at end of dealing with the extremes that the situation the bullying and assault in the school system last year has caused. What I do with that reality I do not yet know. 

Alex is scheduled to go summer day camp in just a few days.  He and I are so very excited about it.  The camp people are worried.  There are federal funds given to them to accommodate kids like Alex but they may not allow him to go.  I hope we all are able to work it out. 

My main focus, after the kids of course, is the fact that most people simply eat too high up on the food chain, me included.  Especially during this time of serious long-term stress.  I am working on getting back to the vegan option, which is closer to a balance with the earth.  My kids eat what they need to be what they need to be.  Ironically they independently and consistently choose the vegetarian option.  My sweeties - I will not have to worry about them being nutritionally unhealthy as they get older.  That is a blessing.

Since I always feel better when I eat what is closer to veganism, I wonder how much my struggle with eating habits mimic my children's' struggle with their life issues?  I know what feels better but then I intentionally deviate.  My kids do the same thing.  How different are our life issues - really? 

Ultimately, we are a family who loves one another.  I will probably wake up tomorrow and worry about the day and all the possible problems, but I will love my kids.  I will probably be more likely to constrain a situation that is necessary so as to ensure a sense of normalcy.   More than likely my kids will do everything to make it a good day too.  And they will love me.  I already love them - no matter what.  My Mom will add her presence to balance it all out. 

We are a family doing what we do.  We love one another.

A child beginning to believe in love and back to a normal happy family life

I drafted an excellent post about our wonderful Saturday and then Sunday happened.  It started early.  The temporarily assigned crisis intervention team (who have no experience with trauma children with attachment issues) spent most of the day in our home.  Then they left and Alex erupted.  Wow.  It was a doozy.  He was transported to the hospital where they told him would be hours before he could be seen and that he should go home.  Alex went home.  Calmly.

Alex and I talked that night.  He told me he still felt sure that he could be sent back to the orphanage in Russia at any time.  I talked about how it wasn't possible but he still told me that while he believed I wouldn't do it, it could still happen.  Alex told me he tried to make it happen faster so that losing me wouldn't hurt so much. 

My poor sweetie.  Needing love so much and fearing it as it surrounds him.  No wonder he fights so hard to work out a back-up plan.  He is looking for a place nearby so that he can stay here.  Near his home and family.

Monday we went to see his long time psychologist - Wes.  That guy is brilliant about Alex and his issues.  He kindly pointed out that have such a wonderful Saturday only pushed Alex further into extreme behavior.  Pretty much textbook attachment fear reaction but it is still hard for a Mom to hear - don't make it so nice and happy. 

Tuesday I kept it as low key as possible but I had promised a trip to Alex's favorite restaurant on Monday so that plan was already agreed upon.  There was the situation where Alex's sister had gotten into his room and broken some of his stuff.  I gave a stern talk to her and as a consequence discussed with everyone in the house, she was not allowed to go to lunch with us.  Alex was hurt but he saw there were consequences given and his space was valued.  We decided how to protect his room from his sister.  We then went to lunch at Red Robin, one of his favorite restaurants.  He ate until he could eat no more.  He remembered that his grandmother wanted a to-go order for staying home with sister.  Alex was one happy kid with all those balloons from the restaurant. 

After dinner, my now very large son kept climbing into my lap and cuddling.  Something he has rarely done.  And then he went home, did some things for his grandmother and then went to bed.   

The path back to normalcy is one taken in small steps.  It is a path that makes a Mom take risks that scare her and make the heart pound faster.  There are so many choices to make - to address this issue, or that behavior in the moment - or let it go.  Do I enforce that family rule or let it go?  Do I talk more about what is happening - or let it go?  Alex is obviously struggling with issues that overwhelm him, being the one that figures out what he needs to know and hear is so hard.  But I do it.

All of us want to be happy and safe.  I know I do.  I know my kids want that too.  For the first time today Alex told me that his prior adoptive Mom had hurt him while the older bio kids looked on and the formerly discussed abusive adoptive father did nothing when Alex told him.  That is the first time he has ever, EVER, EVER, said anything negative about that former adoptive mother.  For Alex to admit that was - unbelievable. 

After that he was back at the orphanage.  I asked him if I had ever hurt him like that and he said no - and that I never would.  I told him that sometimes people try to be moms but they are not really ready.  I told him it was not his fault he had been hurt.

Alex told me that he had not done anything wrong but maybe asked for something and made that other Mom mad.  My sweetie is seeking protection from rejection.  Talking about it is the path back to normalcy.

 Do I think we are done?  Maybe yes and maybe no.  People talk about attachment but it is really about love.  Our children look to us about how to learn about love.  I know I looked to my parents about it and carry those examples into my life every day.  Does Alex yet know what it is to love - yes of course.  Is he beginning to believe that he is loved as he loves - just a bit. 

More amazing - he is trying to look just like me.  He dresses like me, he wears my extra pairs of sunglasses, and he is trying emulate my mannerisms.  I just hope I continue to show him what love and a happy life looks like in real time. 

Still we trudge up the hill of Alex's fear of being loved

It was a war in the house today.  That hasn't happened before.  Alex started with slightly self-harming behaviors and then he tried to run.  He started to de-escalate and then trapped me in the kitchen, refusing to let me call the wrap-around services help.  It then became a war.  Alex tried to get out the front door to run even though I had called for the home support services and 911.  It took like it seemed forever for help to come.  My kid fought hard. I fought hard too - for him.  If he had gotten away at that point he would have jumped from the second story of our house.

It is every parents nightmare.  Fighting your kid to save him. 

And then the police came.  Alex walked out of the house calmly and went to the hospital - calmly.

I went dealt with all the hospital people and social workers today.  I went and brought Alex back down enough to come home - without being drugged. 

The rest of the day with Alex at home was normal life.  Like the morning had never happened.  Alex's eyes were still so wide and the pupils were extremely dilated.  It so scares me when he looks like that.

Me and the rest of the family went back to normal life too.  At the same time we all waited to see if he would re-erupt. Alex apologize to me in pieces about the day.  Life went back to normal.  The switch from the morning to the afternoon was extremely disquieting. 

We all trudge up the hill of Alex's fear of being loved.  Today our home was ground zero with me the target.  I did fight back, mostly while I was calling the community wrap-a-round services and 911.  The phone lines were open as I defended myself and attempted to contain Alex until help arrived. 

Did any of it make a difference today, I do not know.  I know Alex still fears loving me because I did not keep him safe from bullying last year. 

I want adoptive parents to hear this well - you can and will gain your children's trust of safety within the first 18 months - give or take a few.  The problem is that if your kids suffer any later inadvertent harm that they perceived you could have stopped, you will have an attachment disorder problem in your home.  At that point you, as a parent, will be required to go through every safety scenario of concern of your child from their previous life. 

It becomes a war between you and your child about love.  Your child cannot understand it and you will be the person to teach it to them again.  People will ask if your child can go to a friend or family member.  Resist!  Keep your children close.  Let your child know you will still be there no matter what.  Let your child see what love looks like every day and in the trenches.  Do not let your child think you will allow space between you and them. 

Think about it - our child did not grow in our bellies, nor did they get to nurse at our breasts.  We became their parents after they learned to handle extreme rejection and neglect.  We love them and they fear further rejection. 

I know my Mom.  She has been there all of my life.  I grew in her belly and was born into my family.  She nursed me.  She and my father had another child because they were so happy with having a baby - me.  My Mom has been there  all of my days.  Even when I have been less than a perfect child. 

I want Alex to know that kind of Mom too.  It is the most wonderful feeling.  So we trudge up the hill of Alex's fear of being loved. 

God always put me in the right place

I never question the course of my life.  God brought me to my children and he always places me where he needs me to be. 

Alex had quite the spectacular run away event on Tuesday but the police tracked down Alex within 20 minutes and had him on route to the hospital.  That is quite the story but that is for another day. 

Because of the continuing Alex issues, I worked from home today and then had a friend help me go to the store with Alex.  We shopped without incident and made it home.  I took the first bag in with Daria in tow and dropped by purse on the table.  I go back out to my friend's car and all of a sudden I see a blur of young men running across the street.

Two boys started hitting a third and had him on the ground.  They hit him and kicked him in the face.  I yelled at them I was calling for the police.  I ran back into the house to grab my phone and ran back out while dialing 911. 

Those two boys were still hitting the one on the ground.  I started running toward them to stop them.  Only then did they start to leave, but they threatened the beaten young man that they would find him again tomorrow and it would be even worse. 

I called the police and attempted to comfort the young man.  He just wanted to go home.  I asked him to please stay until the police arrived.  He agreed to stay on site until the police came but he refused all aid and water.  I admit it, I called 911 back and asked where the police were.  I was afraid the boy would leave.  I finally took him out some water - it is a hot day today - but I let him have his space. 

The police came and talked with him. And then they came and talked with me.  Given Alex run history, the police officer knew us well.  For once I was grateful that everyone at the police precinct has gotten to know me so well.  After talking with me, the police officer went back across the street and took that young man's statement.

A little while ago, the father came back with his son to talk to me about it all.  He asked if I would swear to what I saw.  He is going to be filing charges.  Apparently this has happened to this young man before and nobody ever sees anything. 

God always puts me in the right place.  I saw and I will tell. 

I wish someone had done that for Alex last year. 

Sweeheart ran the other day but stayed home today

Alex climbed out of his second story bedroom window, crawled down a power line and spent the day playing before the police found him playing on a second story fire slide at the university and then attempting to jump from a window. 

That is the call I got - your son is threatening to jump from a scond story window.  I ran out of the house since it was just a mere block away yelling to my mom and daughter that Alex was jumping.  I got there he screamed at me and then the many policemen and firemen got him down.  Six people carried him and then held him to the guerney kicking and screaming while they strapped him down. 

I rode in the ambulance, just like I always do. 

We got to the new ER (the two others have banned us) and it was a different experience.  People got the attachment issue with Alex.  People were kind to me and saw me as helping instead of demonizing me.  What a difference a change of location makes.  The on call representative from the wrap-around service agency was there verifying everything.  After even enougth medication to drop a rhino was pumped into Alex he finally dropped.  The trauma brain of a child will resist much. 

I then took Alex home.  He woke up in the taxi and tried to fight before falling back asleep.  I carried into our home.  All the kids and hit the big bed in my room. 

Alex woke up today and tried really hard.  Trauma kids need  the boundaries gently set back into place after they test family love and I did that for him. We mostly sat and watched really old Disney G-rated movies like Cinderella and Peter Pan.

I made their favorite foods.  I tried to address the post-sugery issuse of Daria.  I am grateful we see our reconstructive surgeon tomorrow.  I gave the kids their preferred desserts and then put them to bed in the living room where I am.  We will all head to my room shortly for what remains of our night.

Do I worry about Alex - you bet.  The bullying trauma he suffered last year caused him to experience serever attachment issues.  Home life hasn't changed but how the trauma effected him within our home has been severe.

What happens at home really is not connected to what Alex does.  The other day when he climbed out the window, Alex woke up from a dream.  He was awake less than 10 minutes before he left that second story room.  When I later asked him why, he told me he stayed as long as he could.  And then he left.  Without shoes.  Without food.

Alex will do what he can.  I will sleep near him tonight.  I just hope I do not get that call again tomorrow. 

Children will do well if they can.  And when they cannot, parents need to be there for them. 

My little boy is still the best survivor I know.

Alex came home the other night

It was a long day.  There were lots of calls to people about what to do next.  Nobody returned the calls.

Alex's sister Daria, was in day surgery the day I went to get Alex and it took twice as long as anyone expected.  Daria is one of those kids where the surgery will always be a very rough experience.  She is really struggling with it all.  I am struggling with it all.  The poor sweetie. Even I, the seasoned cleft Mama worries.  She is our fragile angel of blown glass that we all much protect and cosset.  Alex has spent hours sitting at her side, watching over her.  He went with me to grocery store to make sure I got all the right stuff for her to eat - if she will. 

The other night, after settling her at home I went to go get Alex from the pysch hospital.  He yelled at me and tried to hit.  Finally, four of the staff members carried him out of the unit and into the ground floor waiting room, kicking and and screaming.  No one had given him a chance to know what was happening. 

So I sat down and told him we would do whatever he needed.  I told him about how much Daria needed him to be home and help her since he was the "seasoned" cleft surgery kid.  After a few minutes I had him sitting on my lap and I told him how much I loved him.  He told me how much he missed me and wanted to go home.  After awhile I called cab and we went home.  Quietly.  Peacefully.  Calmly. 

People from a privately funded organization came to the house to try and help with a community plan for when Alex runs.  It sounds like mostly they will develop a script to give to the police and doctors when Alex does his run thing.  My insurance does not cover it but the children's hospital Alex has been to many times accessed some emergency funds to provide this service to us.  I am sure they did it not for Alex but to avoid the legal liability they have incurred concerning their care of Alex.  If it works, it would be nice.  I will still pursue all avenues to strip the hospital of the ability to do what they did to us.  Another family would probably not survive what was done to us.  Families in crisis do not need the additional burdens of attacks while seeking help.  I continue to thank G-d for all my friends and family that help out while we wait for Alex to get back to center.

Frankly, I think our non-triggering Alex is back.  Did Alex find confirmation of love and commitment from me and the family he was seeking?  I certainly hope so, for his sake.  I know that at every moment he is acting out he looks to me to see if I will be that that other Mom from his failed adoption in Russia.  Will I turn away?  Will I leave him?  Did I, or the family have a limit we will set on his behavior before turning away.  Not likely.  Alex has deep emotional scars from the before time that the bullying last year brought back into his daily life. 

Families stand firm with one another.  We all love one another so much.  I stand ready and then we all get on with normal life.  Mostly the family issue has moved on to our concern about Daria, post-surgery.  I worry for my baby girl tonight.  Alex sleeps in his room, surrounded by all his stuff.  It is normal life - for us.

Sometimes people ask me - would you adopt again, knowing what you know.  Yeah, I would do it again. My son was thrown away and lost. He has been found. Here, close to my heart he will remain. My son does okay. We all do okay.