Just a quick note on my being told I will never adopt through my State because I am single

It isn't because of anything I did and/or didn't do. It isn't because of anything Alex did and/or didn't do. They had us under a microscope for 26 months and found nothing in even the most trying of circumstances. They even acknowledge that fact.

They just will not let me adopt because I am single. That is not an okay reason. That is not a legally defensible reason. I have been trying to work with my state's Governor's advocacy office but while they are nice, it does not look promising. I have also filed with the federal agency that oversees state agencies concerning adoption. That agency openly publishes their decisions that reverse state actions that are happening to me with less evidentiary grounds.

I wonder how many people out there did not know their state was not the last word on this issue. I wonder how many potentially awesome parents are turned away by such state activities. I wonder how many mama hearts have been broken.

That being said, I am in the process of getting another blog up about this issue because I think it is timely. There are lots of kids that need a home. I suspect there are a lot of parents out there that simply are being denied the opportunity to offer their home to these kids in need for no good reason.

Kind of makes me weep.

Wow - what a day!

Wow. I am still reading the blog of what may be my new hero. And I thought my day went a bit south. At least do not have teenagers – yet. Yikes. I am already bracing for when Alex is driving age. He is so not going to be okay with me hiding the car keys until he is twenty. But I will unless I see his emotional age come up to meet his intellectual and physical age. There are two schools of thought on this issue of course. Some say he will and some say he won’t make the emotional leap forward. I plan for the worst and hope for the best. Alex has a way of surprising people.

Anyway, I finished putting everyone to bed and had a bit of a hissy fit complete with yelling and a few stomps that only my Mom saw. Today has SO not been my day.

I had a couple of those special ed meetings today for two different kids. At one meeting I had to be nice to a teacher that has made it so much more difficult for my little one home from Russia for only nine months. I so wanted to tell her all about it in Russian which I studied for my kids. That teacher speaks Russian so communication is not an issue. I so am not happy with people who treated cleft kids differently. Of course I was the adult and let it go. But I was not happy.

I then was the treat fairy to my kid’s classrooms and watched my nine-year-old disengage from reading time. No wonder he gets marked down for his behavior during that time of the day. I have never seen such poor, yet still complying with the rules, behavior. Wow. I am so incredibly impressed that he can behave so poorly while keeping the classroom rules. Surely such genius can be channeled for the greater good. He does take a person to the edge of sanity though – I feel for his teacher who is awesome but has thrown in the towel so we are going to try a different room.

Sometimes, as the daughter of a Marine, I think I should just hand out at mental helmets and flack jackets to my son’s teachers. That kid can really break a person down.

It wasn’t even 10 am when I hit the office at work and that was a crazy, crazy, crazy day there. I also got a call from the Governor’s office concerning the adoption issue on the home front that just meant I spent the night gathering papers, scanning them and then sending them by email. Apparently it was okay for state case workers to basically refuse to address the complaint - that is until the Governor's office heard I had already filed the discrimination complaint with the federal government.

Then, only then, did my Governor's office, charged with investigating discrimination begin to move. They kicked their state law obligations to the county level and they are out of time. I think I am sad. I do not know what to do to help them be better. I want them to be better because children and parents are desperately looking to them to help everyone. Frankly, if my super liberal county workers find a single woman with a strong support system and an excellent job unacceptable, what about all the others? I have a good parenting track record - what happens to the others?

I like the person I talk to there but my heart wonders - how many awesome parents are lost for kids that need them. I know I am awesome parent. I do it every day. I have done this for the state kids too.

Opportunities in life are like windows in time. Building families in time takes windows of opportunity. The windows of the parents need to line up with the windows of the kid(s) – those are the moments of opportunity - and then we all need to leap. We trust those who help line it all up. I do not yet know what to say about when the people we trust to hold our hands as we leap fail us.

I sought the state adoption option because their website described such a robust post-adoption support system. Given I had such little agency support in my first adoption I found that description to be so amazingly wonderful. Little did I know that the people touting their post-adoption support system would one day tell me I could never adopt because I was single. That was unexpected.

So I was nice to the Governor's office person and said I would send all that I had. Then my email server crashed partway through. Goodness it has been a day.

Anyway, the kids were in high gear – deregulation everywhere. I think I did go into the kitchen and cry a bit just so that I would not totally lose it. Calmness is the only path through it all. I used to say at work – fake it until you make it. That approach kind of works for the kids too. Even when I am so not calm, as long as the kids think I am, it all eventually evens out. Of course my hair is turning white at an amazing rate. Good thing I am blond. ;)

This day used to be one of my favorites. I love hearts, the color pink and I am kind of a sappy girl – sometimes. Now I see my kids struggle with this message of love and what it means in their lives. The kids try so hard. They misbehave and still hope for the box of chocolate. I was so close to eating their lovely candy last night – they just do not know how much I love them and want to give them more than they think they deserve.

I think this holiday will be hard for them until that feeling of love seems like something they can have – forever. And maybe they will never know for sure. I can be okay with that too. I will still try to make sure they know I love them – no matter what.

My son made me a bracelet made of hearts strung on a pipe cleaner. That is my new favorite piece of jewelry – if I can just stop stomping out the emotional brush fires long enough to put it on.

I still love pink though – and hearts. Maybe someday my kids will trust in my love enough to not make it such a difficult day. I still think I should have gotten a Valentine Day family portrait. We do it for Christmas, why not for the day of love? I told you I was a sap. :)

This too Shall Pass (a must see!)

I have been a bit of a missing person the past while. I apologize. I hope to rectify. I have been reading the words of the most amazing woman. I will explain later. Anyway, in addition to Alex having life changing reconstructive surgery he became a child that can be considered for a mainstream classroom. We are not there but it will happen - eventually - when he wants it more than he wants to test the world. Also, he is worried because his classmates like his mom and he does not want to share. :)

So the last couple years I have adopted his sister and was a foster-to-adopt parent in my state. I have been on quite a ride. Getting Daria out of a pysciatric ward in Russia was a breeze compared to what I have lived through domestically. The foster story is a story for another day.

Getting back to the most amazing woman - she is single and is the Mom to 39 kids. No kidding! And she warms my heart everyday. Her oldest daugther posted a link to this marching band from Notre Dame - it is called This Too Shall Pass. Here is the link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJKythlXAIY&feature=player_embedded#! You simply have to see it. It warms my heart and makes me glad to endure. Also I marched in my school days so it has a sense of home for me.

This most amazing woman makes me want to talk to the world again. I keep saying things on her blog and I finally realized, I am ready to talk again. The best of life - the good and the not so great.

And I want to talk about when the morning comes - and it does. As for the video I cannot decide which position I play in life. I would prefer to be the snare or acordian but I may be the voice.

oh yeah - my state told me Janaury 2012 they would never recommend me for adoption because I am single. After a dozen foster kids and two adoptive children, such words were unexpected. They also violate state and federal law.

I am ready to talk.

I filed a compliant with the federal agency that oversees state adoption operations.

I think I have found my voice again.

If you struggle with difficult children or are a trauma parent, check out the champion at: http://thebodiebunch.blogspot.com/

This woman is awesome.

Finally, on a personal note - no surgeries for Alex this year!!!!!!!!! And I will post pictures soon - I promise.

Everthing went well!

It is like a miracle when I see my son's face. He looks so amazing. I see cheekbones and a true front to his face. It is weird to say but skin and flesh simply look different with bone beneath. I am a Mama who sometimes watches her child while he sleeps (like every other awesome parent) and I almost do not recognize him. It is not the swelling. There is simply a different shape to the face I love so much.

It is like my loving eye is constantly "readjusting" to see the miracle we wrought for my son. Being a "sometimes slow to change Mama" I already miss the blue tint under his skin that indicated that which was missing. Gone is the worrisome flatness of his rebuilt lip over missing bone. That was the kid I worried about and protected from so much.

It is kind of silly, the doctors keep checking with me to make sure I have Alex on a soft diet. It is silly because I have always been so careful of anything he eats. We have talked about it so much he tells other adults what he can eat and why. My son is so precious to me.

Anyway, enough about me. Alex did great. They took bone from his hip and put it where it was missing in the bilateral cleft. He is such a favorite at the hospital. People came from other floors to say hello to him. He also got a huge balloon bouquet with a Scooby doo balloon that is actually larger than his sister. :)

Already the swelling in his face is down and we all see the new Alex - complete with beautiful cheekbones. I keep checking his mouth not only to marvel at the rebuilt palete but to also see the permanent space we made for his front teeth. My son still does not believe that he too will have "spongebob front teeth" but I look at that magic space now in the front for his teeth and I cannot wait. Those are still a bit away but we can all see the space for the dream to manifest.

I just did not know it would be so hard to get his mind away from that other place. I did not know how high the price I would personally pay to stay by his side while he came home and got what he needed.

I did not know I would love him so much - no matter what. That is what we tell each other - "I love you no matter what." I hope all adoptive families get to that point of total acceptance. For both the parent and the child. It is a great place. All adoptions take time for all to adjust.

I see it with our little girl adopted last spring. She came with none of Alex's emotional adjustment issues but it still takes time for her to adjust. We all love each other so much but it is still hard sometimes.

We are lucky to have found each other. Life is good.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers tomorrow

As always, I cannot sleep the night before an Alex surgery. Tomorrow we go in for his bone grafts. I think that even this time he is worried though with him it looks like just really bad behavior. At times today he was so on and then there would be these weird behavior spikes. Thank goodness my Mom was here to help me see that at those times today he was just not being my son. Gosh I wish he wouldn't do that because he so has my buttons down. I think he just punched them to make sure that everything at home was normal. Normal Mama response means normal life.

If I was my son and had to face (no pun intended) what he has to, I do not know if I could do it. I try to down play it but this is a big milestone for us in reconstructing his face. I remain sleepless.

So we had his favorite dinner (KFC), did the bath thing and packed our bags. Really we just packed his bag. :) His has cats in toy and book form of course. Dr. Seuss made the cut as did a Russian nursery book I bought way back when we first left the orphanage together. It is the Day and Night book in Russian. I think he also tried to sneak our Maltese into the bag at one point but I was onto it because the bag kept wiggling. BeBe the Bischon is too big so was left to sleep peaceably.

So tomorrow we will take his sister to her Russian immersion kindergarten and then take the train to the hospital. We will confirm the balloons he wants from the gift shop on our way pre-op. We will then create the miracle I hoped for my son when I first decided to adopt him. It will not be the last surgery of course. But it will be the most invasive and the most helpful.

So if you could pray for us that would be awesome. I know that life will be what God wills but sometimes I wonder if he watches over the little ones closer if more of us ask. I know that my heart hopes so and I pray for many kids still not safe.

It has been awhile ...

And that is a good thing. Alex is doing well and is getting ready for his bone graft surgery in a couple of weeks. I am so scared for him, yet so excited because it is an amazing milestone for us. Alex just wants to get on with fixing his face. In March we did surgery to place a screw so as to move a bone fragment and that went very well with none of the possibly devastating consequences. The procedure was rounded out with his new sister cheering him from the sidelines. I thank God every day that Alex is so upbeat about the surgeries because we have so many ahead of us. I think that it is hysterically funny that his sister (also cleft) is his own cheerleader directing him in Russian when he fusses at a particularly difficult moment.

Since Alex took the picture with Santa last December he and I have traveled to Moscow three times and subsequently brought home a sister for him and a daughter for me in late April. She is awesome. So sweet and smart. She came home and it is was like she was always here with us. First day of school came and she was like every other kindergarten kiddo.

She and Alex attached and they seem like they have been siblings forever. Everyone thinks they look alike and it seems like a big happy family. And it is.

I think a lot about how it all began for us - Alex and me. We beat the odds.

I often wonder how we did it - how we do it everyday. I think about how I still battle his school and their failures when dealing with him - but he does okay with coping with them (even though I so am not) so I am thrown back to wondering how did we do it?

No child is saved without their consent I have decided. We silly parents fight and work and cry and pray and hope for our kids. I yelled, I pleaded, I argued, I sacrificed any and everything to save my son. Yet, what made the difference was Alex. I helped because without it he wouldn't have had the chance but it was my son that finally decided to save himself. He reached out and finally grabbed one of those life savers I kept throwing to him. I am not sure when it happened but one day he decided I meant it that he was my son and this was now his life with all its particularity. I think he kept me flinging those life savers for awhile after he caught one just to make sure I meant it. :)

It is like I told my Mom, who suffered a particularly difficult relationship with Alex for a long time, Alex tests those he cares the most about the hardest and longest. He wants to make really, really, really sure you love him no matter what. They now are very close and it makes my heart bloom with love every time I see it.

So I go back to what I have learned. Today my kiddo is okay. He is okay because I went to where he was, got down and stayed there until he got up. I think I was sleeping when he actually did it. :)

What I have learned is that sometimes kids are in a bad space. A really bad space. Sometimes they cannot leave it for awhile. People just need to keep working at being there for them. Then, finally, the kiddo can come home. Home into your arms. Today I have the most awesome kid. He still has edges - all eight year old boys do. I am forever pulling bugs out of his pockets. I may grump about it but I love it every time. It is just so Tom Sawyerish.

I remember a training I took last year about nurturing damaged children and resilience. The lady teaching the class likened the heart of a traumatized child to a vessel sort of like a sieve with lots of really big holes. She demonstrated this by lacing her fingers together widely so we could see the holes. She then said that those of us who adopt these damaged children pour love and attention into their hearts. In the beginning this love and attention is liquid pouring through really wide, wide holes in their hearts. It does not seem to make any difference with those really, really wide holes. Yet, that love is full of sugar and honey and over time it builds up a residue that, given enough time can fill that which it once ran through.

Alex's heart has been healed with love. I pray that all parents loving such children hear the direction from God to just keep loving. And accepting. I hope they learn to accept their child as they are - not as they want them to be.

And then, sometimes, kids come home and everything is perfectly fine. My little girl is like that - no problems what so ever. A joy to be around everyday. Just last night she got mad at me and Alex and told us we did not make her happy and she did not like us. The kids then went up to bed and she broke down the hard attitude and insisted on hugging me and Alex (I had to get him back up) so that she could tell us she did really love us. I think all that drama lasted less than 10 minutes. I often stare at her in awe because it is all so unexpected given everything.

I thank God everyday for my son. He is an amazing person to know and love.

Merry Christmas to All!

Alex today. What an awesome son. Just today I heard a boy in another room asking my son if he did really, indeed love me, his Mom. He said yes. In that boy world he still said it though they were ready to tease. That was the best Christmas gift I could have had.

May your family have a wonderful holiday season. Take care and God Bless, Mama Sarah

Surgery went well!

It is amazing what they can do. Sasha now has a lip and there is that magic space between the nose and his new lip. It is a beautiful thing. And Sasha has been amazing through it all. No complaints. At first I thought he was quiet because of the meds but I think he finally understands that I love him and I am here to help. He is still swollen and there are stitches everywhere but, oh my goodness it is a beautiful sight to see.

And Sasha is a changed child. I keep joking that the doctors gave him a personality change during surgery but it really feels like they did. At first I kept looking at him to see if it really was my kid. Gone is the constant challenges and defiance. Gone are the outbursts and the constant negativity. Things had gotten so much better than last year that I thought we were in a calm space. Since surgery all the negativity is gone, simply gone, like it never existed.

In his place is a gentle child who likes a good joke and laughs a lot. In his transformation I see a message for all adoptive parents of these sometimes difficult to parent children and I am still trying to wrap my brain around it.

We go to our first surgery tomorrow, please pray for us

There is so much work to be done, it seems overwhelming sometimes. Certainly the docs think so as is apparent when they tell he that his situation is "complex."

Tomorrow we begin that journey. My mama heart already cries. I cannot sleep.
But my son sleeps. He sleeps because he knows he will come home after being in surgery. He does not care about the things other kids would care about - like surgery, pain and blah, blah, blah. My son is only concerned about coming home after it all. He did not before. And there must be balloons. Lots and lots of balloons.

So he sleeps tonight. I ramble about the house fussing. It is all so out of my hands. My job is to now get him into surgery. That I will do.

I was whining at my Mom earlier today and she reminded me that this actually was the part that I signed up for when I adopted. My response was "yeah, yeah but who knew it would hurt my heart so much!!!!!"

But this is what this family does - I adopt cleft children. So tonight I weep as I pack and plan to cuddle him close several more times before surgery. Those cuddles are of course couched into our everyday life because corrective surgery is kind of what we do - everyday whether it being preparing for surgery or doing our speech and op exercises. It is what makes my son whole.

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

Truisms from babes :) My Mom is still laughing. Happy Mother's Day to everyone. And may God watch over you and your family. - Sarah :)


Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and
one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.

What kind of a little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom.. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you
got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long..

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair ... I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.