Reactive Attachment Disorder and its wasteland

I have been going through it for awhile.  I wonder if I should start posting again.  It seems like something folks should know about.  I wish someone had told me before it happened. Thoughts?

Normal life here

And then a miracle happened ...

Alex came home.  He has been home for a couple of months now.  The boy we all knew before the bullying broke him is back.  He is in a private school and is doing so well.  He is the family miracle.

We all missed this child.  He is kind.  He is boisterous.  He is bossy about the rules.  He likes to hang out at home with his grandmother.  He gobbles up my homemade morning coffee cake and grouses about dinner and then eats it all up with a smile.  He takes a few candies from the remaining candy cane stash interspersed with the cookies I make whenever he can.  He tells his sister what to do - and what to not do.  As is normal, his sister generally ignores him.  And then simply smiles.

My son avoids school work yet goes to bed early so he can go back to school tomorrow.  I have never seen a kid work so hard to go to bed.  :) 

And as is typical Alex, he refuses to cut his hair, other than his bangs, even though he goes to a rather conservative school where most of the boys sport crew cuts.  He has that sort of Russian poet look to him.  One of his reconstructive surgeons recently commented him on his "rock-and-roll" look of
which he noted, "some people pay a lot of money for that look."  My son had no idea what he was talking about of course - he is just being who he is - himself.

My son is back. 

Things were better and then they were not

So much good work is going on at the place Alex is at now.  It is an amazing place with amazing staff.  Sweetheart attends a normal school and is excelling at school work. So many happy indications that we were all moving forward in resolving this rift in family life. 

And then, it went sideways.  If my heart could break anymore, I think this would definitely finish the job.  The particulars do not really matter from a certain perspective.  The reality is that what happened changes the game.  It changes the fight and requires the family to adjust. 

I remain grateful to the staff where Alex is now - they work so hard at helping these children.  They are also kind towards me and they do their best to shield me from some of the worst of it. 

Life is what it is - and it continues as it is meant to be.  It doesn't mean it hurts any less. 

Dare to Love Your Child No Matter What

There are so many people in my daily life that affirm and support me as I be this Warrior Mom I am able to do what I must do.  I love my child no matter what.  I joyfully dare to do so.  My best current supports are my mother and daughter who continue to infuse each of my days with such hope and love.  And joy.  So much joy.  And I thank God for that family joy every day.

It is the unsung heroes that support me fully as I maintain the Warrior Mom stance that help me survive this challenging time.  It takes a village to raise a child.  That is a correct perspective.

Without the unsung heroes in my life, and there are many, I could not continue what I do - every day.  These unsung heroes some times just give a hug or maybe help me deal with a daily issue that threatens to make me sit down and cry.  Sometimes they just let me talk about things - things they would never care about but I need to verbally process so that I can move past it.  Sometimes these unsung heroes allow me to simply do my job and still trust I will do what needs to be done.  Sometimes these unsung heroes still offer to be my friend even though they know I struggle with difficult issues.  I am humbled by the people I know.

I know a lot of heroes.  And I am grateful that I do.  They support me as I continue to defy strangers' counsel to walk away and no longer care. 

What I am learning is that one must listen to your heart.  If you refuse to hear the calls to quit the field and stand firm on getting your child help, it will happen.  During this process people, doctors and possibly agencies will start to say less than okay things about you.  Do not abandon your child when you are attacked.  Do not let the doctors talk you into releasing custody of your child.  Help will come. 

Have faith.

Be a Warrior Mom.

Navigating public opinion will be difficult.  DO NOT give into the easy out.  Continue to stand for you child.  Refuse to let your child go.  Fight, fight, fight.  Get your child what they need to survive and thrive.

If something knocks you down, get up, dust yourself off and get back into it.  Your child knows you are doing it even when it doesn't seem like it.

Ignore the people looking from the outside.  Ignore the people that tell you to give up and walk away or that you have "done enough."

Thriving - that is what we all want for our kids.  When people ask me why I keep fighting for my son, I tell them, "so that he can live and thrive." 

My son lives.  And he is getting help.  Ironically, he sleeps tonight based upon advice I gave the nurses.  He heard that I gave it and he uses it to go to sleep at night.  It wasn't our normal home life pattern but because I suggested it, he heard I suggested it, and then he used it to go to sleep.

Aw - sleep for a traumatized child is often hard.  I know Alex has struggled with it for years.  My poor sweetie.  When he was younger I used to hold him until he dropped off.  That is no longer an option.

On the home front.  His sister worries about returning to a non-home school situation because she does not want to be hurt like her brother was when he was at school.    I don't know what to do about that. 

Be a Warrior Mom

Once there was a little bunny who wanted to run away. So he said to his mother, "I am running away."

"If you run away," said his mother, "I will run after you. For you are my little bunny."

from The Runaway Bunny by Margaret Wise Brown.

 

 

Be there for your child.  And get them help.  Where Alex is appears to be a great place.  They do what I have been taught to do for years with a trauma child.  They listen to what I say will happen and then when it does, they validate that I told it would happen.  It appears we are all on the same page about Alex.  Thank god. 

 

Staff told me that Alex was desperately missing me today and even calmed down for them so that he could call me. 

 

Finally, finally, finally - contact with me became a reward on Alex's terms.  The young one still was harsh but he kept telling me he loved me - which I told him back of course.  He had a list of stuff he wants from home.  He then hung up before I could ask staff if it was allowed. 

 

That is the trauma child - desperately needing loving reassurance, followed up with requests for stuff and then exercises in control towards the loving parent.  It takes strength to love the traumatized child.

 

I remember that on the trip down he asked me, "why are you always there for me and keep doing things for me?"  That was a question from his heart.  He needed to know why I was still there with him.  I answered, "because that is what Moms do; it is our job."  I am the Mother that runs after her little bunny because he is mine.  I will not stop.  Every bunny needs a Mother - especially Alex. 

 

I cried a lot yesterday but today I got back up on my feet.  I am a warrior Mom.  I will not stop.



Sucide Watch and Bullying

Alex tried to kill himself today at the new place.  And then the kids there started teasing him for being a cleft palate child.  I am working with the staff about how to best manage the situation. 

May God watch over my son.  If you pray, please pray for my son. 

I hate the public school system that did this to Alex.  There are several people in the public school structure that intentionally and continually placed Alex in harms way - knowingly.  Some of them even laughed at me like his last teacher Jenny.  They simply laughed about it all.  Alex now is on a suicide watch because people would not stop harm happening to him. 

May God help us all. 

Home from the Trip

 That was a long trip.  I picked up Alex from the hospital and rushed to the airport to get on the plane.  By the end of the trip the father of a teenage boy sitting next to me was sad for me.  He was such a sweetie and offered to carry my bags for me.  A nice guy.  Every hour I checked the med list I was given at the hospital and then every hour I would pull the pills out and give them to my sweetie.  And yet, Alex was still borderline explosive.  After we transferred to the second plane I didn't think we would make it.  But we did.

We went to the facility this morning and Alex did the new typical RAD thing and pushed me away.  He got mad at me when I told staff about some of his escalation patterns.  He told me to make sure I sent a care box in the mail for him but refused to sit with me during lunch.

The facility seems like a place where some real progress can be made.  Ironically, they are considering putting Alex back on meds similar to what he was on when I adopted him.  They will run tests of course but their position is very similar to that of the Russian doctors.  Doctors here at home have known for the last year that Alex suffers from an auditory processing delay, or a processing disorder, but have done nothing to address the issue.  Where Alex is now does address issues like that as they occur within the brain.  The public school system that allowed Alex to be so horrifically bullied, assaulted, and abused refused even to consider attempting to accommodate this issue. 

So, we will see.  I wonder if the Russian doctors had it right about Alex from the beginning.  How many years has he struggled because the doctors I brought him home to were not as good as the wonderful Russian doctor I met that took care of Alex during the adoption process. 

The place Alex is now at has the same philosophy about bed-time, fun-time activities, routines and school that I have which is such a deep relief.  What is done in the home is based upon extensive training, many hours of therapy input and experience with my kids and foster kids. 

I am hopeful. 

We fly in just a few hours

Gosh I am scared.  What a big step.  So not what any of us wanted.  I think even Alex did not want this.  He keeps searching for help but wants the doctors to validate he is safe here, but they have not.

The fact that is he safe at home and no one will help him see that makes this all so much more heartbreaking.   

Yesterday, staff at Alex's hospital put him on the phone with me after he had been seriously irritated by other kids on the floor.  He was hostile and abusive towards me.   I finally ended the call calmly but I was shaken and scared.  Really scared.  I had not heard my son sound like that - ever.  It was only later staff told me there were serious problems on the unit and they had all the kids isolated in their rooms.  The problems had caused serious anxieties with Alex to escalate which then made him blow up at me.  It was not an Alex issue or a Mom issue but those staff allowed me to be abused and to be scared and didn't even bother to tell me it was their lack of ability to control the floor.   

My son is now on so much medication, which is so not appropriate, it scares even me.  Everyone, the nurses and doctors, know it is not helping but they keep pumping it into him.  My poor sweetie.

If parents think they would still have much a say at this point, please note, you do not have so much.  People will not take care of your child in the way he or she needs, rather your child will be forced to their control paradigm.  If you complain about it because it is actually the inappropriate treatment for a trauma child, they will attack you.  Be prepared.

And you would only still be in this position if you had resisted their insistence during their first meeting with you to release legal custody of your child.  All the doctors try it so they or their staff will not have to answer to you for their failure to help your child.  Stay strong.  Parents need to keep protecting their child and simply being there for them.  In this last year I have also had doctors file complaints with the child protective services in order to remove me as Alex's Mom so that I will no longer have a say about how he is treated.  They also told me that unless I released custody he could not get help for Alex which my insurance tells me is not true.  And my son still has help through my medical insurance so the doctors lied to me.

I was once a State decorated and highly touted domestic foster-to-adopt Mom, after Alex was adopted, so the agency so far has done nothing about these complaints other than investigate and watch.  There have been so many state child protective workers and adoption investigators in-and-out of my home since 2010 there is no possible way there was any basis for anything.  I was the poster Mom for adoption.  Literally.  That is now a story for another day.

I went by earlier today to pick up Alex's stuff so as to pack for the plane ride tomorrow.  His sweet sister came with me. She is so terribly worried that I will put him on a plane back to Russia, to the orphanage.  Of course I would not do that NEVER!!!!!!!!  My kids - they know when they are home - I hate the doctors and their system for not letting Alex understand he will always, ultimately, be home. 

I found the toothbrushes I sent for him plus half of his pants still in the suitcase sent almost seven weeks ago.  For weeks staff had been saying he did not have stuff, but of course he did.  The fact that they didn't care enough to check and/or lie about it, harms your child and causes them to be less than okay towards you.  Is there any recourse, no.  Does it harm your child - I would suggest it depends upon the relationship you had with your child before he/she entered care.  When Alex saw I had sent that stuff in the beginning; it validated the fact that I do take care of him and all the stuff staff had been saying about me for weeks was generally unfounded.  Seeing that stuff confirmed I do always take care of him. Seeing the stuff I had sent for him but staff had not given validated to Alex how our relationship works between mother and child. 

That is so important for these kids.  I want to say keep being the Mom to your child.  NO MATTER WHAT. 

That is worth repeating:  KEEP BEING THE MOM TO YOUR CHILD  - NO MATTER WHAT.

Keep your relationship with your child - on your terms.  Do not walk away that is what everyone will tell you, including the doctors.  That is what your child is expecting so, do not do it. 

Flying to Texas later today with Alex is simply the worse pain a Mother can ever feel.  Yet, I will do it to try and help my child.  My son is the most amazingly wonderful child to know.  He will do great things some day.  I am his third Mom and I refuse to leave him like the others did.  I simply will not.  No matter what. 

I cannot sleep.  My mom cannot sleep.  My daughter sleeps.  I hope my son does though they put him in lockdown earlier and failed to tell me in a timely manner.  Alex worries if his third Mom will stay - even while he does everything he can to push me away.  I am a mountain of love.  I will not move. 

So sweetheart did not come home today

The out-of-state placement agreed to accept Alex and then asked me to have the facility here keep him until I could fly out with him Sunday.  I made a lot of quick phone calls late in the day  and got the hospital and insurance to agree to not discharge today.  If sweetheart had come home today, the out-of-control behavior would have started again.  He told me so on Monday and I absolutely believe him.  He usually does what his says he will do, no matter what adults try to do about it.  I am hopeful that the out-of-state placement will be helpful given they understood that Alex needs to stay where he is until the transfer happens.  I hope they can listen to Alex and listen to me.  If they do, he has a real chance to get better and back to being the happy little boy we all once knew.

Nobody at the hospital could help Alex with his anxiety about it all today.  Once I got everything handled, I tried to call him from work until I could stop by but staff would not put him on the phone. (add your favorite expletive string here!) 

I went and talked to Alex about it.  He was then fine with it all.  I explained everything in detail and why the plan had changed late in the day.  I do not know why the staff did not do that.  At some level I see some marginal improvement with Alex since he did not try and hide his eyes from me.  He still struggled with looking at me and when he did the look of love mixed with intense pain from him was almost too much for me.  He and I have always been very open and honest with one another so he knows I see the pain.  That is one of the side benefits of having a medically fragile child who has had many medical procedures - you both get used to sharing the pain issue.

I see it as an improvement that he is beginning to let me see the pain.  He and I will get there. 

He and I then talked about practical stuff like where were the rest of his clothing and what did he think he was taking when he leaves?  I asked about a really messy pile of paper that is Alex's version of neatly filing papers important to him and he immediately said of course he was taking that stuff - it is the Scooby Doo papers I have brought to him.  :) 

I then went home and hugged my other little one.  And I hugged her again.  And then we went shopping for groceries.   It is something we all love to do as a family.  One lady was charmed when she saw us seriously discussing which cans of vegetables to buy.  That is our family culture - one of happiness, togetherness and everyone having an opinion that is listened to and valued.  I am sad that Alex is not with us currently - he is missing so much happiness and daily joy. 

That being said, I am still listening to his opinion and valuing it.  When he can, he will come home.